I (f) have a meta (f) with HSV2. They’ve had two outbreaks in the past 6 months. She and our shared partner (m) have sex without condoms a couple times per week without condoms. He and I exclusively use condoms (this is at my request, mainly due to the known hsv2). This has been the arrangement for about 4 months. Today, my partner told me they’d had sex a few days into one of her outbreaks. I am really trying not to react based on stigma, but that made me uncomfortable. I would be far more comfortable if the two of them wore condoms, but I am unsure if it’s an overstep to ask them to de-escalate their relationship in that way. I would be comfortable enough continuing as we have been, but it almost feels unfair, that we are taking this precaution and they are not. Thoughts?

I have just been feeling all types of weird ever since I found out. I thought I was being careful. I thought I’d done my due diligence. Yet, here the hell we are.

I’m really pissed at myself. (Actively working on letting that go and to not be hard on myself.)

Testing positive caused me to feel shame about my own sexual activity and desires. I immediately started thinking, “Well, if you didn’t have sex with this person…”, “Why do you like sex so much? You need to chill.”, “You have too many partners.”, and “See, this means you shouldn’t be poly.” Yadda yadda yadda. Just spiraling.

It’s also made me feel horrible for possibly infecting my current partners. Just the thought of it makes me cry.

Thankfully the STI is curable. But, STILL. I hate this so much.

How did you handle having an STI?

Hi! I apologize if this isn’t allowed. My partner (30M) and me (30F) are new to poly. We’ve had threesomes in the past, but nothing that ever turned into a relationship.

We met this girl recently that we both hit it off with. It felt like she met our relationship very well.

The last time we all had sex was good. But I noticed my partner really enjoyed it. Like really. Like they’ve never sounded like that with me or have enjoyed themselves that much.

Long story short I ended up asking them what they would rank the sex with our new partner. And they said a 9. When I asked what they would rank sex with me, they said a 6.

I know it was my fault for asking the question in the first place, but I also felt like I just needed to hear it bc I was already thinking it anyway.

My question is, is this something to take pause at? Should we discontinue the relationship until I can work on my hurt feelings/jealousy. Or is this something that we should consider working through? TIA

Hello everyone, I (24m) and my wife (23f) have been in a relationship for 3 years. Early on they have expressed to me that the way they view friendship and relationships are different to the norm. There isn’t much differentiation. From the research I’ve done the world align most with Relationship Anarchist I think.
So about 6 months-1 year in my partner wanted to open up the relationship a bit by being able to flirt and kiss other people. Which I was and still am okay with. I also ended up expanding our boundaries. We communicate a lot and are always making sure we are happy, comfortable, and secure in our relationship.

Well before we got engaged (not 100% when) she brought up the idea of an open relationship/poly relationship. I didn’t turn it down and was very open to talk and discuss as is our usual. So for the last 2 years maybe we have been having a lot of discussion about the possibility of us opening up our marriage to be polyamorous. I still have a few reservations, but I’m doing a lot of research and therapy to try to get to a point where I am comfortable with it.

About 9 months ago I found out that she had escalated a relationship she had with one of her friends to being boyfriend/girlfriend/partners and didn’t ask me about it or communicate it until a couple months later. At this point we can flirt, kiss, makeout, send explicit content, and she can suck/touch tits. However, our discussions didn’t cover allowing for other relationships other than friendships. To me it would be obvious that if it wasn’t explicitly discussed then it is a no go. (We have since had many many many conversations about this and are actively working through it.)

My first question is: Could you move forward and feel safe in an open relationship/polyamorous relationship if your partner had already cheated on you while exploring with the lifestyle?

What would you need to feel comfortable moving forward?

My second topic is sexual in nature. I do not feel comfortable with my wife having sex with others, but I want to feel comfortable with it. I know there is jealousy, possessiveness, and ownership issues in my mind that I’m trying to resolve. But how do y’all deal with it? How can you have a partner go have sex with another person and come back to you and feel okay about having sex with them?

Any insight and advice is wanted and welcome. I look forward to your input. Thank you all and much love. 🫶

I (31NB) have been seeing a guy (61M) that I met on Grindr back in November ‘24. He is married to a woman, and says it’s DADT. I have my grievances with that but for the most part I believe it genuinely is that, and it’s not cheating. For context I have BPD and I am mono. I am unsure if he would describe himself as poly, but he says he has the capacity to love multiple people so I guess so? He’s not really into hook ups, more building a bond with someone. The first time we met up we hit it off right away and began texting 24/7. At first he called it FWB+ which I had never heard of, then said it was a relationship but I didn’t really want to call it that. It made it seem so real, when it wasn’t.

I was in love him but I was scared to tell him, eventually I did. He said it back a few months later. He became my favourite person way too quickly, but he wasn’t put off by that unless I was having a splitting episode.

We meet on average once every 3/4 weeks, sometimes more often and sometimes less. Texting can be frequent and then we have dry spells. I’m slowly learning to make peace with that fact that if he doesn’t message daily, it doesn’t change things. He has a very busy life with three jobs, so sometimes it is hard to fit anything else in and I understand that.

However I have had several meltdowns, breakdowns whatever you want to call it because of this ‘relationship’. When it’s good it’s really good and when it’s bad it’s really bad. He understands my feelings are complicated because essentially I am in love with someone I cannot fully be with, but I also do not want to lose him completely. It’s like a vicious circle of emotions. Part of me knows I need to end it, but I don’t want to never see him again. But at the same time it hurts so much, and I need to put myself first.

I recently told him I have a crush on an older guy I sometimes see at my job, and he says I should go for it. Once I started talking about it more, he genuinely teared up and said he hopes it goes well. Initially I took this as he just wants rid of me, but I realised he just wants to see me happy and with someone who has more time for me. He’s a great guy, it’s just an unfortunate situation. I used to sit for hours thinking about what it would be like if we were married etc, but I stopped doing that because I made me insanely depressed lmao.

Can anyone else relate at all? Has anyone been in a similar mono/polo situation? Advice is always welcome but this is mainly for a discussion.

I had a brief relationship with a woman a while back. Recently she found me on a dating app and then we starting talking again. I haven’t told my wife about these interactions yet as I am unsure where to even go with this. Our relationship was toxic and problematic. She had bpd and high anxiety. Looking back I see how manipulative she was especially when those I dating before, during and after her had lead me to believe she has a lot of insecurities . It’s been a couple of years and I don’t know if I should give her the benefit of the doubt that she’s changed. I also know she will love bomb so I want to be cautious. Maybe it’s because I have had a break on dating for a little while that I’m even considering it. I’m enjoying her chats but she’ll get NRE very quickly (she started talking about wanting to be included in our family events within the first month and was pushing me and my wife into kitchen table which does not work for us. ) so I am
Even uncertain about friendship. I am just confused and seeing if anybody else has been in this situation.

(Sorry in advance for any mistakes, I translated this from my language)

Hello everyone, I need some help. I feel lost, but above all, I’m extremely sad. I (37, non-monogamous) have been in a relationship with a man (37, polyamorous) who is perfect for me in every way since June 2025. We had known each other for two years on Instagram when we decided to meet in person, and it was love at first sight.

When I met him, he was still with the mother of his children; their 14-year relationship wasn’t going very well, and they decided to split up a few months later. He also had a second partner whom he sees about once every two or three months.

We’ve had a very passionate relationship from the start, and we’ve had our ups and downs. Every challenge has brought us closer together. I find it hard that he doesn’t want to prioritize his relationships, but I’m working hard on my self-esteem so that it doesn’t affect my sense of feeling special. He lives about an hour and a half from my place, but we spent a lot of time together between October and February since he didn’t have a regular job at the time.

I’m currently in school; I still have at least two years left at university while working full-time. At the start of our relationship, we talked about living together someday, and he seemed enthusiastic about the idea. That plan is on hold for now since I want to finish my studies before moving out of my apartment, and since he has two young children—I’m not ready to live with kids.

Recently, he told me that he realizes he’s a solo polyamorous person. He basically told me that he no longer wants to plan on living together. He wants our meetings to be based on our own choice to see each other, not on one of us imposing our presence on the other. He also told me that he doesn’t like the concept of an open relationship because it implies always returning to the same core group or the same primary partner afterward.

Personally, when I love someone, I always want to see my partner. I don’t need to be in my partner’s presence all the time, but I love sharing my daily life, sleeping with someone, cooking together, chatting after work…

I feel like I’m going to miss out on a wonderful relationship if I don’t let go of my need to live with my partner. Is it unreasonable of me to want to live with my partner at 37, even if they’re into non hierarchical polyamory?

How can I find a solution?

I’m a 37 y/o M married for 18 years to my 37 y/o wife and together we have a 32 y/o Female partner (our fiancé) for about 3 years now. There’s been many ups and downs the last couple years with coming out publicly and some family and friends lost because of it. But I have to say it’s been a completely amazing relationship. I still struggle with some childhood wounds and those are amplified when introducing people to my life that doesn’t currently know. I have this idea of just to start creating content solely to take that power back as well is answer questions and be a voice for men in this lifestyle. I figured this is the best place to start before I flat out put my face on camera for the world to see! With that said I’m at a blank on what to create content on. I do a lot in my workshop from laser engraving to making rings and pens etc. I’ve thought about making stuff on camera while talking about throuple life. The biggest goal is to help myself get past the scary of telling people about my relationship. The part I love about this idea is that it’s a chance for me to help other people. I’m just struggling to come up with topics of conversation.

Me: 32M, Top, slim/athletic body, Chub-Chaser.

Fiancé (Zack): 38M, Vers-Bottom, Chub.

Status: Together 8 years, engaged last year, planning to marry late 2026.

TL;DR:

My fiancé wants non-monogamy in theory, but shuts me down in practice because he has "bad luck" on apps. I’m worried that if we don’t fix this conflict now, I’ll end up lonely and burnt-out in a monogamous marriage.

Some Context:

Zack and I have been non-monogamous since a year into our relationship. During the "honeymoon phase" we were monogamous but would talk about eventually opening the relationship. His last relationship was a Triad with 2 other guys, and I’ve always known I was poly. Going into the relationship, I assumed dating someone with previous Poly experience was the right idea if I also wanted a Poly relationship in the future.

We have a great life. I've bonded with his family, we adopted a puppy together, and recently we moved to a much larger city. We finally live in an area with an actual queer community to socialize with.

We play together with long-term FWBs and occasionally invite other Tops over to tag-team Zack with me. I occasionally also go on solo hookups.

The Issue:

We agree on being open in theory, but it feels like we're failing when it comes to the execution. Zack is a Chubby Bottom, and I'm a Chub-Chaser Top. Within the gay community, there seems to be way more Bottoms than Tops. And way more Chubs than Chasers. Because of this, Zack has less of a population of gays to choose from compared to me. Zack said his ideal hookup is someone who is: a Top, Chub Chaser, and Well-endowed (size queen lol). His checklist narrows his potential hookup pool down to a tiny fraction of an already small community. He recently started exploring the possibility that he's demisexual too (Only experiences sexual attraction after forming an emotional bond with someone). Because of this, he isn't having the best luck finding hookups. When Zack does hook up with others, it’s usually because we’ve brought in another top for a three-way, (which we both enjoy since we share a group sex kink).

Since I'm a slim/athletic guy, and Top, I have much better luck finding solo hookups. Whenever I make plans to actually go on them, I get an attitude, or the cold shoulder from Zack. His logic is that it isn’t "fair" for me to go out when he isn't getting any. Sometimes, it's easier to just cancel my plans to save the peace for the rest of the day. He says he’s okay with me hooking up, as long as his needs are met first. Since he's my primary partner, I'm happy prioritizing his satisfaction first, but he is never actually satiated. By the time I manage to semi-satisfy him, I don't have any energy, or time, (or libido) left to go on any hookups.

The overall issue is that I'm polyamorous. I'm sexually attracted to so many different types of guys in the bear community. Frankly, I'm a slut, and I say that proudly. Meeting new people and exploring sex keeps things exciting for me. Zack still excites me, but a long-term relationship can become repetitive sometimes. Casual dates and FWBs would keep things interesting and spontaneous for me. But Zack can barely tolerate me going on quick hookups, let alone the idea of me hanging out and building connections with other people.

An Extra Layer of Stress:

To add even more stress into the situation, Zack's family has a genetic disease and he has a 50% chance of having it (similar to Parkinson's). His dad has it, and it completely changes his personality and behavior. I’ve seen how much stress this has put on his parents.

I love Zack and I want to be his caregiver IF that day comes. However, the idea having secondary partners for emotional and physical support, relieves a lot of the worry and fear I have of being lonely when Zack and I are older... I’m worried that if we can’t figure out polyamory now, while things are good, I'll be signing myself up for a lonely future later.

The other parts of our life together is great! We support and care for each other. We have a lot in common. Zack's the perfect life partner. I just feel like we’re sliding toward monogamy by default because it’s "easier" than dealing with his jealousy. But I’m a poly person at heart. I want a partner with compersion, not a partner that keeps score of how often I hookup vs how satisfied I've kept him at home.

My Questions for the Kink/Bear Community:

1.) How do you handle a "success gap" with hookups without one partner feeling resentful or the other feeling "held back"?

2.) Is "Fairness" (1-to-1 ratio of hookups) a realistic or healthy metric in a polyamorous relationship?

3.) How do I navigate the "Needs must be met first" rule when those needs seem to be a bottomless pit?

4.) Am I just being privileged? Or being selfish for thinking about secondary relationships, given his potential health diagnosis?

As the title says, me (33m) and my fiance (30f) have been together for 7 years and engaged for just under a year. Things have genuinely been fantastic, and with me being divorced once before when i was young and dumb i really thought she was the one.

About 2 months ago she had lost her job and started having a lot of free time at home. She was actively looking for work but also joined a large Discord server community to make friends and play games with in her free time. It turns out that server was run more with the intention to date / flirt than to actually socialize which she did not know when she joined.

Being one of 20ish females in an online group of 500 she naturally starting getting many messages very quickly. She had about 15 guys in her DM’s within a week or two and actively talked with most of them. I am also in the server and have played with some of the guys. Some are genuinely nice and cool, and others are very flirty which i do not mind as my fiance and i can also be flirts, she had just never crossed a line before. Well, one day when i was at work she had a 6 hour private voice call with one of the guys. Long story short they had phone sex.

Its been about a month since the incident and she has refused to stop talking to him. I talked to my therapist about the incident and i came to the conclusion i dont want to give her an ultimatum because i want it to be her choice and not forced to harbor resentment. It all came to a head again yesterday when i found out she had sent him $500 for his birthday and “for being there for her after losing her job” as he lives across the country and also doesnt have a job.

We start couples counceling on Monday, but she told me she needs a councelor who will explore and open relationship discussion because the idea of being married to one person scares her. She admitted that it was fun to have phone sex with a stranger and because she never had a “hoe phase” before her relationship with me she will always wonder what if.

Im upset, and i know reddit is going to tell me how easy it is to call off the engagement and leave her. But i love her. I have never wanted an open relationship. I want to be mono with her until the day i die. Im wondering if she really does want an open relationship, or if she just likes the attention and pro’s of being single while using me for the pro’s of a relationship.

my partner and i recently opened our relationship. originally we had agreed that we would be primary partners and every connection outside of us would just be casual and that we wouldn’t fall in love or pursue long term or serious romantic relationships with anyone else. but now he’s admitted that he doesn’t find this arrangement to be fair or realistic after visiting with his queer platonic partner.

he recently became queer platonic partners (QPP) with his best friend of 5 years and is developing romantic feelings for this person. he went to visit this friend in their hometown a couple months ago for the first time and for the duration of his week long visit i felt very insecure and struggled to regulate. i had suspected that he was developing romantic feelings while he was there and asked about it repeatedly only for him to delay answering the question saying things like “let’s talk about this when i get back.” he’s since admitted that he wants a romantic partnership with this person in the future but that for now they are both focused on growing their queer platonic partnership.

before he left for his visit he asked me what my boundaries were around social media and i asked that he and his QPP not post anything online that made them look like a couple. he told me that he didn’t think it was fair to his QPP for me to control what they post online and so he never communicated that boundary to the QPP. fast forward to him coming home from his visit with them. his QPP made a post with pictures of the two of them holding hands and pressing their cheeks together saying “who knew falling in love with you would be so easy.” my partner claims that his QPP meant this platonically.

helpful context: i am friends with the QPP on social media platforms and have been for years because we hangout as a group sometimes with my partner’s other friends regularly.

my partner texted me to warn me that his QPP had made this post and recommended that i unfollow them if i didn’t want to see it. he also told me later that his QPP asked if they should take the post down or post it in the first place and my partner told them it was okay to post despite me communicating my discomfort with them posting things that make them look like a couple publicly.

we’ve been arguing about this situation so much since then because i feel like my boundaries were crossed, but we kept coming to a stalemate so i just gave up and said “post whatever you both want.”

fast forward to today. his QPP has posted a photo of themselves with kissy marks all over their body (presumably from my partner) saying “soon 🥰” referring to their upcoming next visit together.

again i find myself uncomfortable and want to ask my partner and the QPP to not make posts that are sexual in nature about each other. my question to reddit is: am

i being fair by asking this of my partner? and am i allowed to ask the QPP to respect my boundaries as well?

Hello. First time poster.. I hope this is okay to bring here and I apologize if this all seems scatterbrained.

Im a 40yo straight male. I'm recently divorced, since October '25. A few months ago I met a woman who i've grown a strong connection/relationship with. She is married and they are in a poly/open relationship. We have all met and discussed things, rules and such and it went really well. Him and I are able to talk and hang out and game together and be friendly. In my marriage, while not exactly open, we were in the BDSM lifestyle and had many experiences with others being brought into the fold, so I don't believe I have any issues with the open/poly situation.

Its a bit of a Long Distance relationship - about 5.5hrs away - and we aren't able to see each other as much as we would like. She has repeatedly told me that she's fine with me doing what I have to do to get those physical needs met, as long as she is informed and I communicate everything. I have no problem with that. I actually had a FWB situation with someone until recently (She crossed a line we agreed not to cross) so I don't really have that option anymore.

But since I am so new to this dynamic - which I absolutely want - I am struggling with a couple things and would appreciate any advice that could be given:

1 - I know she's had some jealous feelings with me and the FWB. We were able to communicate and talk through those feelings quickly and honestly, and there are no lingering issues. I still find myself struggling with the idea that if I go out looking to meet someone, thinking she may have those feelings/worries, and that makes me feel bad. Is there anything I can do from my end to try and help those worries/feelings from taking over her?

2 - As a 40yo man, how should I go about looking for people that would be accepting of my situation? I have no desire for any emotional connection with anyone else at the moment, it would be purely for that physical release, which makes me feel bad again because that may not be fair to any potential partners - considering I am 40 and most women my age are beyond looking for anything "casual". I don't want to lie to any potential partners about intentions/wants but I also don't really see many women being okay with my situation, which I would honestly understand.

I apologize again if this isn't what this forum is for but I didn't really know where else to turn to for a community that may understand my issues. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I am just asking the group if I am.I really love being with a a couple. i don’t consider myself gay but I love being with a couple and doing things in and out of the bedroom with the couple. I feel it is so much more intense that a regular heterosexual relationship. I love it and I love spending time with a couple. I love making sure all three of are needs are met and we do things that are exclusively for us. It’s just such a turn on. I love it. Does anyone else experience anything like this and could this be a sign that I’m poly? thanks!

So me and my partner have moved in together from being in a 3/4 year long distance relationship. They were polly when we met and have another partner they live near now we live near. Is I wasn’t Polly going into this but I am now and just haven’t found someone else yet. So before I was only able to see him a hand full of times a year. I didn’t realise how often they got to see eachother like dates and spending time together at houses ( I want to be clear I don’t want them to stop or anything!!) but rn I see them after work when they get home or log off and they want alone time wich is fair I don’t really mind and at the weekend they sleep till mid day and then go in their room to game we haven’t been out much together or anything. We r both ppl that like our own space whats bothering me rn is they call a couple times a week wich again don’t bother me but they said when I lived hours away that they didn’t like to call because it made them sad so we rarely did. And I’m just starting to feel insecure wich I know is dumb cuz they love me and I love him it just saddens me to see all the things he does with them but don’t with me I guess. Sorry this was more of a rant to get my feelings out but if anyone has advice I’d love to read it.

hi. i feel strange even making this post but i don’t really have anyone in my life (other than my partner) that i feel i can be completely honest with.

my partner and i are both females.

i found out a couple days ago that my wife of almost four year (together nearly eight) has been cheating on me for the past several weeks —sending nudes, sexual messages, romantic messages, and talking with him on the phone for hours a day. she has been leaving early in the morning and staying out late at night. she hasn’t really been trying to connect with me at all.

i found out by looking through her phone which was a terrible way to find out. but i had my suspicions about this man weeks ago and asked her about it and she said it was nothing. i was trying to trust her so i let it go but the more i tried to give her her freedom, the more i just felt she was gravitating away from me.

we talked about it and she said that she imagined that we could all be together. that he could provide her with the experience she has been longing for (ie., being with a male) and he could provide me with friendship and intellectually stimulating conversations in the way she cannot. i don’t really want to be apart of that especially because i was never even factored into the decision making. she says that she never wants to lose me and that she just need more than i can provide her. essentially she wants a polyamorous relationship.

after a couple days away and packing up all my belongings, i caved. i told her i was willing to try whatever it takes because i genuinely love her with every fiber of my being and find it extremely distressing to try and think of my life without her. we reached out to a couples therapist and i reached out to someone i could speak with 1:1.

has anyone else tried this? what was the result? we wound up agreeing to something closer to an open relationship because i am not attracted to cis males and i really don’t think i can look at him the same way (we were friends btw). i’m not even in a place to seek another relationship- i need to heal from not only this but my own shit too.

as badly as i want her to be the bad guy, i know that i could’ve also been better. but i also know that even if i was, the result would’ve been the same because she has an undying curiosity about sex with males.

i don’t want to be controlling and i also logically understand that two things can be true at once - that she can love me and love him, but why does it hurt so bad? why do i so badly want to be her one and only?

anyways. rant over. i’m just at a loss, truly.

First time poster sorry if its all over the place.So im new to poly (37 f) with my partner (41 m). He made it clear when we met the lifestyle he was seeking that he wanted to be able to date multiple women and as a bisexual woman I was allowed to date women no men. An ideal situation would be us having a mutual partner but thats never happened and we had a heard time when meeting women they only wanted one or the other.

So for the past few months I became suspicious that he has been doing thing without being open and honest about it and that was my main ask in the relationship. His routine changed and he had been acting different. I asked him about it he denied it was another woman and just tired and dealing with work stuff. The other night we talk about it again and I ask to look through his phone if there wasnt nothing too hide. He give me the code I skim through but he is talking to me the entire time distracting me from going through it.

The next night while he was asleep I really went through the phone and found out he had a girl who he had been seeing for sex and had multiple others he had been trying to make plans with to have sex. He never told me any of this. Now he says he did it because he didnt think I could handle the truth and that I would get too emotional about it. Now he is making it out to be a jealous thing when to me he just broke our trust.

Someone said I should repost this here-

I feel like such a cliche.

After a great day hanging out together, I spent about 2 hours putting our (husband and I) 2 year old down for bed.

Came down to join in the "wine and music video" party when she told me she loves him and me romantically, and wants to be in a relationship with us.

They asked me what I think- I said I don't know what to think, and mentioned some of my fears, but did not shut it down fully. why did they ask just me? Because they already briefly discussed this last weekend and "wanted to talk to me together".

I'm a people pleaser and felt so cornered, I gave non committal answers that I now have to walk back.

I'm not sexually attracted to her. Hell, I'm demi and only have eyes for one person. I'm not interested in being the side chick in my marriage, being the mom and taking care of everything, while they go off and have fun.

We sort of tried this several years back- mostly just sex- and it was not sustainable.

I'm okay with my husband having "side quests" but our agreement has always been that I know about it but it's not someone I know personally/no friends.

I already talked to him about this, now I have to do a video call to clarify with her T\_T

I know I'm such a weenie and I should have shut it down last night... They were just both so happy and excited, and she was ecstatic to be getting this off her chest (that she's been in love with him for like 5 years and fell in love with me when I had my daughter).

I simultaneously feel like they did nothing wrong and feel so betrayed.

For context I’m a bi (30yo) latina and I’ve come to realize and accept that I’m poly for like 3 years now. It took leaving a relationship for me to really understand how important that is to me. And since that relationship, I’ve been in a relationship and have had lovers. Separately just for timeline context. And all of them ended at different points but ultimately for the same reason. Us not having the same views on long term love being poly versus monogamous. Even if we began with that as an initial convo and they seemed down. They ultimately changed their minds and or things just didn’t work out which is fine. But I’m having difficulty finding people who are also poly/queer to date. Where do people go to date poly folks outside of events and dating apps? I barely get to go to events cuz it never aligns with my schedule and is always some money to get in. On dating apps I’ve found “ENM couples” to talk to and turns out it was just the guys in the relationship trying to sell their relationship as open for the sake of just getting nudes and wanting to meet up alone without their partners which always made me uncomfortable. So I feel discouraged to take that route. What should I do at this point 😵‍💫

Me (41M) & Husband (47M) | 5 years together, open for most of it
My husband identified as poly when we met — I understood it conceptually but not emotionally. A couple years ago, distance kept us apart for 1.5 years and he developed a boyfriend during that time. It was a rough adjustment, but I threw myself into resources (therapy, Polysecure, podcasts, this community) and got to a better place. That relationship eventually ended due to communication issues and possessiveness on his boyfriend’s part.

About 8 months ago we met a guy on vacation. My husband stayed in that city for 2 months afterward and they developed a daily hangout routine and a romance. Now we’ve moved back to that city, and since I’m out of the house 11–12 hours a day for work (he works remotely), they spend significant time together — sexual and non-sexual. Husband describes it as a deep friendship, not a relationship, and consistently reassures me I’m his priority. But I can the writing on the wall that this has a strong chance of turning into a relationship.

Here’s where I’ve landed: I’ve realized I’m wired mono. I enjoy FWB situations but don’t want or feel romantic love outside my marriage. I’m on a therapy waitlist for someone who specializes in ENM.

My question: How do people navigate a mono/poly dynamic? Specifically, I’m considering asking for a DADT (don’t ask, don’t tell) arrangement — not just about sex but about their time together generally. Is that a reasonable thing to ask for? Has it worked for others?

Hi I (m18) have been dating my boyfriend (tm18) for about a year now and I have known he's poly the whole time but we agreed to not talk about it very much as I didn't quite get it at the time but now I've accepted and am comfortable with him dating another man(tm) but recently he's been asking me to get to know the other boyfriend and I don't know how to go about it and any advice on what to do would be greatly appreciated