Mono/Poly Struggles
I (31NB) have been seeing a guy (61M) that I met on Grindr back in November ‘24. He is married to a woman, and says it’s DADT. I have my grievances with that but for the most part I believe it genuinely is that, and it’s not cheating. For context I have BPD and I am mono. I am unsure if he would describe himself as poly, but he says he has the capacity to love multiple people so I guess so? He’s not really into hook ups, more building a bond with someone. The first time we met up we hit it off right away and began texting 24/7. At first he called it FWB+ which I had never heard of, then said it was a relationship but I didn’t really want to call it that. It made it seem so real, when it wasn’t.
I was in love him but I was scared to tell him, eventually I did. He said it back a few months later. He became my favourite person way too quickly, but he wasn’t put off by that unless I was having a splitting episode.
We meet on average once every 3/4 weeks, sometimes more often and sometimes less. Texting can be frequent and then we have dry spells. I’m slowly learning to make peace with that fact that if he doesn’t message daily, it doesn’t change things. He has a very busy life with three jobs, so sometimes it is hard to fit anything else in and I understand that.
However I have had several meltdowns, breakdowns whatever you want to call it because of this ‘relationship’. When it’s good it’s really good and when it’s bad it’s really bad. He understands my feelings are complicated because essentially I am in love with someone I cannot fully be with, but I also do not want to lose him completely. It’s like a vicious circle of emotions. Part of me knows I need to end it, but I don’t want to never see him again. But at the same time it hurts so much, and I need to put myself first.
I recently told him I have a crush on an older guy I sometimes see at my job, and he says I should go for it. Once I started talking about it more, he genuinely teared up and said he hopes it goes well. Initially I took this as he just wants rid of me, but I realised he just wants to see me happy and with someone who has more time for me. He’s a great guy, it’s just an unfortunate situation. I used to sit for hours thinking about what it would be like if we were married etc, but I stopped doing that because I made me insanely depressed lmao.
Can anyone else relate at all? Has anyone been in a similar mono/polo situation? Advice is always welcome but this is mainly for a discussion.