Mono/poly struggle
Me (41M) & Husband (47M) | 5 years together, open for most of it
My husband identified as poly when we met — I understood it conceptually but not emotionally. A couple years ago, distance kept us apart for 1.5 years and he developed a boyfriend during that time. It was a rough adjustment, but I threw myself into resources (therapy, Polysecure, podcasts, this community) and got to a better place. That relationship eventually ended due to communication issues and possessiveness on his boyfriend’s part.
About 8 months ago we met a guy on vacation. My husband stayed in that city for 2 months afterward and they developed a daily hangout routine and a romance. Now we’ve moved back to that city, and since I’m out of the house 11–12 hours a day for work (he works remotely), they spend significant time together — sexual and non-sexual. Husband describes it as a deep friendship, not a relationship, and consistently reassures me I’m his priority. But I can see the writing on the wall that this has a strong chance of turning into a relationship. He has said that the other guy brings me up often and wants to hang out and include me in activities and so does my husband. His ideal situation is a triad/throuple to have me included.
Here’s where I’ve landed: I’ve realized I’m wired mono. I enjoy FWB situations but don’t want or feel romantic love outside my marriage. I’m on a therapy waitlist for someone who specializes in ENM.
My question: How do people navigate a mono/poly dynamic? Specifically, I’m considering asking for a DADT (don’t ask, don’t tell) arrangement — not just about sex but about their time together generally. Is that a reasonable thing to ask for? Has it worked for others?
Also thank you to everyone in this group. I was in another poly advice group and found to be the solo mono/poly person there. I appreciate everyone’s vulnerability and willingness to share in this space. It’s so great to know I’m not alone.