hi. i feel strange even making this post but i don’t really have anyone in my life (other than my partner) that i feel i can be completely honest with.
my partner and i are both females.
i found out a couple days ago that my wife of almost four year (together nearly eight) has been cheating on me for the past several weeks —sending nudes, sexual messages, romantic messages, and talking with him on the phone for hours a day. she has been leaving early in the morning and staying out late at night. she hasn’t really been trying to connect with me at all.
i found out by looking through her phone which was a terrible way to find out. but i had my suspicions about this man weeks ago and asked her about it and she said it was nothing. i was trying to trust her so i let it go but the more i tried to give her her freedom, the more i just felt she was gravitating away from me.
we talked about it and she said that she imagined that we could all be together. that he could provide her with the experience she has been longing for (ie., being with a male) and he could provide me with friendship and intellectually stimulating conversations in the way she cannot. i don’t really want to be apart of that especially because i was never even factored into the decision making. she says that she never wants to lose me and that she just need more than i can provide her. essentially she wants a polyamorous relationship.
after a couple days away and packing up all my belongings, i caved. i told her i was willing to try whatever it takes because i genuinely love her with every fiber of my being and find it extremely distressing to try and think of my life without her. we reached out to a couples therapist and i reached out to someone i could speak with 1:1.
has anyone else tried this? what was the result? we wound up agreeing to something closer to an open relationship because i am not attracted to cis males and i really don’t think i can look at him the same way (we were friends btw). i’m not even in a place to seek another relationship- i need to heal from not only this but my own shit too.
as badly as i want her to be the bad guy, i know that i could’ve also been better. but i also know that even if i was, the result would’ve been the same because she has an undying curiosity about sex with males.
i don’t want to be controlling and i also logically understand that two things can be true at once - that she can love me and love him, but why does it hurt so bad? why do i so badly want to be her one and only?
anyways. rant over. i’m just at a loss, truly.