Me: 32M, Top, slim/athletic body, Chub-Chaser.

Fiancé (Zack): 38M, Vers-Bottom, Chub.

Status: Together 8 years, engaged last year, planning to marry late 2026.

TL;DR:

My fiancé wants non-monogamy in theory, but shuts me down in practice because he has "bad luck" on apps. I’m worried that if we don’t fix this conflict now, I’ll end up lonely and burnt-out in a monogamous marriage.

Some Context:

Zack and I have been non-monogamous since a year into our relationship. During the "honeymoon phase" we were monogamous but would talk about eventually opening the relationship. His last relationship was a Triad with 2 other guys, and I’ve always known I was poly. Going into the relationship, I assumed dating someone with previous Poly experience was the right idea if I also wanted a Poly relationship in the future.

We have a great life. I've bonded with his family, we adopted a puppy together, and recently we moved to a much larger city. We finally live in an area with an actual queer community to socialize with.

We play together with long-term FWBs and occasionally invite other Tops over to tag-team Zack with me. I occasionally also go on solo hookups.

The Issue:

We agree on being open in theory, but it feels like we're failing when it comes to the execution. Zack is a Chubby Bottom, and I'm a Chub-Chaser Top. Within the gay community, there seems to be way more Bottoms than Tops. And way more Chubs than Chasers. Because of this, Zack has less of a population of gays to choose from compared to me. Zack said his ideal hookup is someone who is: a Top, Chub Chaser, and Well-endowed (size queen lol). His checklist narrows his potential hookup pool down to a tiny fraction of an already small community. He recently started exploring the possibility that he's demisexual too (Only experiences sexual attraction after forming an emotional bond with someone). Because of this, he isn't having the best luck finding hookups. When Zack does hook up with others, it’s usually because we’ve brought in another top for a three-way, (which we both enjoy since we share a group sex kink).

Since I'm a slim/athletic guy, and Top, I have much better luck finding solo hookups. Whenever I make plans to actually go on them, I get an attitude, or the cold shoulder from Zack. His logic is that it isn’t "fair" for me to go out when he isn't getting any. Sometimes, it's easier to just cancel my plans to save the peace for the rest of the day. He says he’s okay with me hooking up, as long as his needs are met first. Since he's my primary partner, I'm happy prioritizing his satisfaction first, but he is never actually satiated. By the time I manage to semi-satisfy him, I don't have any energy, or time, (or libido) left to go on any hookups.

The overall issue is that I'm polyamorous. I'm sexually attracted to so many different types of guys in the bear community. Frankly, I'm a slut, and I say that proudly. Meeting new people and exploring sex keeps things exciting for me. Zack still excites me, but a long-term relationship can become repetitive sometimes. Casual dates and FWBs would keep things interesting and spontaneous for me. But Zack can barely tolerate me going on quick hookups, let alone the idea of me hanging out and building connections with other people.

An Extra Layer of Stress:

To add even more stress into the situation, Zack's family has a genetic disease and he has a 50% chance of having it (similar to Parkinson's). His dad has it, and it completely changes his personality and behavior. I’ve seen how much stress this has put on his parents.

I love Zack and I want to be his caregiver IF that day comes. However, the idea having secondary partners for emotional and physical support, relieves a lot of the worry and fear I have of being lonely when Zack and I are older... I’m worried that if we can’t figure out polyamory now, while things are good, I'll be signing myself up for a lonely future later.

The other parts of our life together is great! We support and care for each other. We have a lot in common. Zack's the perfect life partner. I just feel like we’re sliding toward monogamy by default because it’s "easier" than dealing with his jealousy. But I’m a poly person at heart. I want a partner with compersion, not a partner that keeps score of how often I hookup vs how satisfied I've kept him at home.

My Questions for the Kink/Bear Community:

1.) How do you handle a "success gap" with hookups without one partner feeling resentful or the other feeling "held back"?

2.) Is "Fairness" (1-to-1 ratio of hookups) a realistic or healthy metric in a polyamorous relationship?

3.) How do I navigate the "Needs must be met first" rule when those needs seem to be a bottomless pit?

4.) Am I just being privileged? Or being selfish for thinking about secondary relationships, given his potential health diagnosis?