r/emotionalabuse

I get into this fight often with my spouse: we are at a party together and I feel ignored all night. She seems to avoid me all night but bounces around to all the people (even strangers) and shows them so much love and attention. It’s hard for me to tell her in the moment so I’ve usually shared my upset when we get home.

She has reacted by telling me I need to come to her if I want connection at a party. She’s acussed me of wanting to take her away from her friends and putting unfair expectations on her.

She has told me I am playing the victim, am self centered, controlling because I want her attention at a party.

Last night this happened and she got wasted and denied it- and her drunk makes me so uncomfortable… she seems to become a different person and acts fake in my view. It’s like she’s getting energy by making others feel good. She’s always the one to pump someone up, help out anyone in need, clean up after the party etc. How I see it is she gives others all her positive attention and I don’t see that side of her at home. I just miss having fun WITH her.

Last night she walked by me several times without looking at me or even touching me. It hurts me so much. I def have neglect wounds but when I ask for more attentiveness at parties she calls me self centered.
we even came up with a plan in therapy to check in at parties. She never does this. And I try but am very tentative and super uncomfortable when I see her drunk.

Last night felt like a total darvo: she denied she was drunk, she told me she did come see me several times and it was I who ignored her, she called me a victim and self centered, said she wasn’t safe with me, started crying and told me she’s done with this. She can’t take my crazy behaviour anymore.

My mistakes were: not asking for her attention at the party directly, raising my voice with her when we got home. But as soon as she started crying I softened, I apologized for my loud voice, but I really did not call her names, accuse her or anything. I was sober and reasonably grounded trying to share my hurt feelings and ask for what I need from a partner. I never got empathy pr validation from her - she thinks is selfish to want her attention at a party and I am playing the victim.

I feel really broken about this.

This is my first relationship, and because of the lack of experience, I've been ruminating a lot on what I should tolerate in a relationship. I feel like for the past four months that we've been together, some issues have come up and we've talked about them. However, every time I start ruminating on something he has done, I'm like "is this normal?", "am I being manipulated?". I'm exhausted and feel like its draining the life out of me.

As an example, my boyfriend got upset yesterday, because he asked for cuddles and I said yes of course, but then he constantly would grab my butt and I just wanted to be held and caressed. I told him to stop being so grabby and he started crying, because he felt like it was unfair and I took something away from him. It felt funny, since I don't think I would've reacted so strongly if my partner didn't want physical touch. He said that it feels unfair if he tends to my needs, but doesn't get what he wants. It felt weird, because I only told him to stop grabbing me and still would've gotten cuddles. I felt like I'm only a butt to him.

It's been some months since I (F34) broke up with him (M40). I swing between being happy for my newfound freedom and being sad because I miss him. When the latter happens, I read my 'notes' on the emotionally and verbally abusive incidents that happened in those 6 months. I also go to specific dates in our chat history and read our conversation. To remind myself of how bad it really was just in case I start to focus on the few good times too much. Now I've noticed a pattern of sorts: He seemed to have a really fragile ego or thought very low of himself I guess? Because he was so sensitive to any perceived slight, would misunderstand what I said, take offense to it, start 'punishing' me (silent treatment, sulking, withdrawing affection and attention etc) for saying something I didn't say. When i tried to clear the misunderstanding, often even by pointing him to the exact words I used in text, he absolutely refused to accept my version, kept insisting I was lying about what I really meant, and continued to fight about it, not dropping it for ages after. Most of the times, I would end up apologising(almost immediately) just to keep the calm but that didn't work. It was almost like he didn't ever believe me when I said what I meant but preferred to attach his own meaning to my words so he could take offense to it and be mad at me. When I read these conversations, my body involuntarily reacts like I'm trapped and I can't breathe. Does anyone recognise this?

I’ve been in a long-distance relationship for three years. In the beginning, it felt like the best relationship I’d ever had. He was attentive, kind, emotionally aware, and we had incredible chemistry. Even our early disagreements felt healthy and productive.

About six months in, things started to shift. He began getting extremely angry over small things. During arguments, he would twist my words, project his behavior onto me, and somehow make everything my fault. It made me feel like I was crazy.

His reactions escalated into full-blown rages. He would scream, throw things, kick me out or leave himself, and break up with me during arguments. He regularly called me names and told me I was the problem. Early on, I reacted badly too. I yelled, defended myself, and sometimes matched his energy. I hated who I became in those moments, so I worked to change that. I thought maybe it was all my fault.

Now, I don’t react. I stay calm and let him rage until he burns out. These episodes can last for hours, sometimes days. If I apologize, even when I don’t feel I should have to, it usually ends faster. All of his crazy behavior is somehow acceptable because I triggered him into these rages.

Last year, things turned physical. During a vacation, he exploded over something minor. I teased him for his hat so he destroyed it in a bar front of people, yelled at me and then left me. When we finally got back to the house it got worse. He destroyed my phone and hair straightener, threw me to the ground, spit in my face and locked me out of the house. I ended up sitting outside and crying in the rain. He eventually let me back in and tried to mend things. But the next day on a hike he left me again when I suggested the behavior was inexcusable. It was my fault he did that and my fault that I was covered in bruises.

I should have left then, but I didn’t.

To his credit, he started therapy and there have been improvements. The rages are less frequent and slightly less intense. He can sometimes recognize his triggers and talk about his childhood trauma. But the behavior hasn’t stopped. He still yells, calls me names, and shuts me out for days. He can take some accountability but it’s somehow still always my fault he behaves this way. I thought we were on the right track though and felt hopeful. He really has been trying.

Recently, though, during a minor disagreement, I told him I felt like everything revolved around him. That set him off again. He kicked me out, and when I couldn’t get an uber to the airport late at night, I came back in and stayed on the couch. I texted him to let him know and asked for a ride in the morning. He came out of his room and he repeatedly poured water on me while yelling and blaming me for all of his relationship problems, including issues with his family. He also threw furniture and stole my phone and went through it while I was soaking wet and crying. He didn’t find anything.

The confusing part is that outside of these episodes, things can feel good. His kids adore me, and he behaves completely differently around them. There has never been a rage when his kids are around. We even had a normal, enjoyable weekend right after that incident.

But when I tried to talk about what happened when I returned home, he dismissed it, said I shouldn’t bring up the past, and justified his behavior again. He broke up with me (again), and we haven’t spoken since.

I’ve left so much out since this is already so long. I know this isn’t healthy. He’s not ever gonna change, right?? I don’t know why I’m struggling so much to leave. I’m 40 years old, fit, have a really great high paying job, beautiful home, a wonderful and close family, no drama outside of my boyfriend. He’s got so much baggage. Three kids (who I love), no relationship with his parents and several other family members, constant drama with his ex. He lives in a much less desirable part of the country than I do. What am I doing???

I don’t even know what im looking for here. Maybe just to finally vent and get it out of me. Maybe im looking for perspective, or maybe just the push I need to finally leave for good. Anyway, thanks for listening.

I keep forgetting things she's done to me and details and start to believe she isn't really abusive. Then I let my guard down and she hurts me again. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm living life numb and depressed. I feel like I'll be a villain for not talking to her anymore because she hides it to most people. More recently my step-dad tells me he doesn't even know if she loves him anymore. Whenever I'm over she's always yelling at him or making a snide comment or telling him to shut up. My whole family just smiles and moves on like nothing ever happened and we all love each other. I just don't know what to do. Whenever I try low contact she becomes so clingy and I feel so guilty and mean. I can't rationalize it in my head because I legitimately can't remember the things she did or said to me that was bad. and when I've tried to confront her before she cried and said she's the worst mom ever. It just sucks. I wish she would stay loving and get better 😥 She even vents to me about the same kind of abuse she endured from her mother and it's just ridiculous. Idk just needed to vent bc I'm in my apartment alone washing dishes and having a ptsd episode over a sponge triggering a memory. I know I won't feel good no matter what happens 😞

I know he’s bad for me. We have 3 kids together. He’s always been bad for me. My kids see the fights and the arguments. Sometimes they get yelled at too. Yelled at for crying. Or for being in the way. I try to shelter them from it but how can I? I’m sure they can hear him scream in Alaska. I’ve tried to reason with him and it just gets worse. When the screaming is over he tries to act like nothing is wrong. Nothing happened. He didn’t just scream and throw things. But the screams stay with me. Long after the argument is over. I hear his profanities. I hear him bad mouthing me to my kids. He acts like I should be ok. I should act like everything is normal because at least our 3 kids all have the same mommy and daddy. But I can’t. I’m angry. And I don’t want to speak to him. He doesn’t get it. I’m hurt, yes. Im wondering just how sick and tired I have to be to actually leave. How much longer can I put up with it. We’ve been together for almost 10 years. 9 years. I truly feel like he hates me or wants to punish me. I pray to have the strength to leave but I honestly don’t see a way to that point. Just venting as the emotional abuse gets a lot to deal with sometimes. I hate talking about it to people I know because I don’t want them to get involved. Even though I’m pretty sure I need a lot of people right now.

I wanna know, if I am alone in my feelings. Because I feel so alone.

I(F30) left my husband(M34) 3 months ago. We have been married for 6 years, he has emotionally abused me for 4-5 years. I have been quite strong I would say, when it comes to being firm in my decision, to not go back to him. That is till now. The divorce papers is now on the way, but all I can think about now, is him! I love love love him so much, and I miss him terribly and all I can think about now, is that I want to go back to him. I cried so much these past days, that I couldn't breathe. The pain is horrible!But when I think about living with him again, then I can feel it in my body, that I shouldn't. But at the same time, I can't imagine not hearing his voice again! I am so in love with him, and I hate him so much at the same time. He feels safe, and unsafe at the same time, I want to kiss him so bad, but at the same time, it feels wrong. I can't imagine my life without him, but I also cant see a future with him, that will necessarily make me happy.... this traumebond is killing me, and I feel so trapped, alone and sad. I want to be happy but I cant... do you feel this too? And when does it get better?

Ps. Sorry for my english, english is my third language.

so much gaslighting and controlling for 3 years. has called me a whore, left bruised on me etc. although that stuff doesn’t happen as much anymore. i’m at my wits end with the relationship and tonight he locked me out of the bedroom. that was a new thing he’s never done before and i was really shocked by it. my blankets and stuffed animal were in there

I don't know if you guys are like me, but I've tried a couple of therapists and felt like none of them were deep enough to see through me and my issues. It always just some generic things that I already know. I feel like I need a super smart or someone sharp enough to cut through my own BS and point out the blind spots I actually can't see. It's honestly exhausting.

Ironically, I got more out of this one video than most of my sessions. It finally gave me that "aha" moment about my childhood and why I build these walls in the first place. If you're also tired of surface-level advice, you have to watch this.

https://youtu.be/ifw9jLZO\_KI

I’m posting this because I genuinely don’t know if I’m overreacting or if something’s actually not right here.

Over the past few months, my girlfriend has repeatedly said things like:

•	“you’re so autistic”

•	“no you’re severely autistic”

She’ll point to really normal or small behaviours and frame them as autism. For example:

•	briefly looking away while talking

•	tapping my leg

•	being slightly shy or quiet in certain situations

A lot of normal behaviour gets explained as “that’s your autism”.

Over time this actually got to me. I started believing her. It got to the point where I’ve now gone down the route of getting an assessment after her constantly telling me to.

But the impact on me has been pretty bad:

•	I went through a period of anxiety and depression

•	had panic attacks at work

•	started questioning my whole life and identity

•	felt disconnected from myself at times

I’m currently waiting for the assessment, but deep down I don’t feel like there’s anything fundamentally wrong with me. I was shy as a kid, that’s about it. No strong childhood signs or anything that stands out.

Now I’m starting to question whether I’ve been influenced too much.

Has anyone experienced something like this?

Being told repeatedly you have autism to the point you start believing it?

I’m trying to figure out if:

•	this is a genuine possibility I should explore

or

•	I’m being pushed into something and it’s affecting my mental health

A side note that she has diagnosed ADHD and BPD, for added context

Any honest input would help.

I saw another post, don’t remember if it was on this subreddit or another one about life after leaving abusive relationships. It made me want to further discuss how exhausting and hard recovery is.

Maybe we can share some struggles and give each other some virtual hugs and support? I for one really need it. Below is my most apparent struggles right now.

My abuse contained physical and emotional abuse all intertwined - and I find myself scrambling around in the dark of my own mind after leaving. My head is in a state of constant conflict. My mind feels like a messy room where the chair is upside down and the painting is crooked. Nothing is where it is supposed to be. If I reach for safety I find fear, I reach for anger and I find love. The world outside is in screaming color, it’s too bright, too noisy and so unsafe.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD, and I’m awaiting treatment but today I feel especially knocked down by the relentless state of confusion. The disconnect between my bodily emotions and the interpreted emotion in my mind is so confusing. Everything is just wrong and I feel like I am therefore just wrong.

Can false praise be a form of abuse?

I’m talking about a spouse or in-laws constantly putting you on a pedestal, praising you in ways that are exaggerated, false, or socially trapping, until you start feeling like you are being forced to live inside a made-up version of yourself.

From the outside, it looks like admiration.

From the inside, it can feel like control.

You cannot easily correct it without looking ungrateful. You cannot reject it without seeming rude. You cannot fully accept it without feeling complicit. So you get trapped inside a flattering lie.

Has anyone experienced this? Does this feel like a form of emotional abuse or coercive control to you? And can overpraise from family slowly erode your sense of self the way more obvious manipulation does?

I’ve tried to think this through carefully and wrote about it elsewhere, but I’m not posting the link because I want honest views, not clicks.

I’d really value your perspective.

somebody. help me. my mom is emotionally incestuous and i haven't slept in 3 years because of this. she's genuinely insane, wants me to stay emotionally dependant on her forever, and to be problematic and toxic like her. they won't let me out of this house. nobody hires me, i have no money. i am dying. please help.

My sister's birthday was a week ago and I did not call her. I have spent the last three years coming to terms with the fact my mother was emotionally abusive towards me during my childhood, and often recruited my sister to engage in said abuse. Now I don't blame my sister. She was much less the target of my mother's foul moods (mom's favourite), but not totally immune to them. Also she was doing what kid's do, modelling her behaviour after the adults around her, chiefly our mother. The issue is, around two years ago, I wrote to her, after confronting my parents, and she wrote back with the advice I to not let mom get to me. I brought up things like how my mother used to accuse me of anorexia if I didn't like the food she cooked, how she yelled at me ina department store once, because I didn't like the dress she chose for me, and all the times when I was a young kid they ganged up on me for trivial reasons, despite the fact it was two against one, and I'm the youngest. I wasn't expecting an apology, again, she was just a kid, but I would like some acknowledgement. I got nothing. She didn't write back, never called. I would eventually see her when I went to visit my parents last summer, and nothing. To be fair, I didn't bring it up, and I could have, but I'm just not motivated to. It's been a fraught couple of years, and I'm still coming to terms with stuff, still navigating my new relationship with my parents, while also married and raising kids. My relationship with my sister is just not a priority, and I don't need the stress. And if I'm totally honest, I suspect my sister will deny I was abused. I base this on very little, maybe I'm just being paranoid. Anyways, am I wrong to just not having my sister in my life ATM. It's not like we refuse to talk to one another, but neither of us is making an effort, or talk unless it's something my Dad has put together, like a family zoom call.

Finally got blocked today by him , Going through mental health issues so thought of venting here . Was in relationship with someone for 8 freaking years from teenage to early adulthood. Literally grew up in that relationship, guy was several years older in his twenties while I was just a kid . Wouldn’t go much into details of it but it was very toxic and emotional,mental and verbally abusive relationship , he’d compare me to any girls, he’d laid his eyes on ,rate me to his friends but would never leave me or let me leave him , giving me fake promises to change and also give sewerslide threats if I dare leave him , I was a dumb c*** to think he’d change but never . Anyways he ghosted me literally mid conversation on call while screaming and shouting that how’ ugly’ I am and he could do better , not even a bye ! . Literally cut me off mid sentence! Tried to reach out a lot after ,even to his friends but no response ! I’m kinda relieved he left but excruciatingly upset that he left me that way and didn’t even think I was worth just a …… bye?!

The worst part he didn’t even block me immediately he blocked me like after a month , A MONTH !! like a whole complete month !! , while posting pics of him with his friends , them going on some trips and parties looking all happy while I was going through this immense emotional breakdown and was legit dissociating ! Like it didn’t even faze him a bit!? Like everything was a show, indeed it was! . Like was he blind before trying to come in relationship that I’m ugly ? Like I remember I legit asked him very initially like he can leave if I’m not his type (I was a pudgy teen with acne and was very insecure ), never forced this relationship onto him, but it was him who forced this relationship on me from the start like we aren’t even from the same city ,let alone having anything in common ! Why waste my time and yours and your resources in this relationship, if I wasn’t what you wanted ?

I (31F) broke up with my emotionally abusive partner (33M) a little over 2 months ago. I thought I would be starting to feel better by now. The more time goes on, the more I struggle to forget the verbal abuse and only remember the good.

I have dreams about him and his kids almost every night. I was very involved in their lives for over 3 years and they felt like my own children. The youngest often called me mom. We were very close.

I left one night after he had accused me of cheating and called me weird, told me to take off my ring (we wore promise rings), and told me I couldn’t go to the kids’ game the next morning. It felt like a punishment. And I had reached my limit, things like this happened whenever he got triggered. I told him I was leaving and he said good, go. Then he shut himself in the other room and I left. That night, the reason he accused me of cheating because I had a doctor touch my jaw at my job for my TMJ. The doctor offered me free healthcare at his office and I told my partner I was planning on going to see if he could help (this man was a bit older and seemed to be gay, not a threat to our relationship at all). When I told my partner, he said he doesn’t want to be with a woman who is that desperate for healthcare that I’m not willing to just go pay for it but instead go somewhere that is free. I was extremely loyal throughout our whole relationship, I still am even after being broken up. I can’t imagine even looking at another man like that.

I didn’t feel heard throughout most of the relationship and he would often lash out when I brought up issues, calling me weak or sensitive. He would say I’m selfish, childish, act like a victim, immature, can’t handle the truth, always negative, I didn’t know how to be a team, etc. He would tell me I always had a problem with something and I could never just be at peace. I felt often times it was the opposite and he was this things but projecting them onto me. I’m sure I became more negative throughout the relationship and I know that I wasn’t perfect. He’d convinced me he had cancer early on in our relationship and he also deleted some texts with his children’s mother that I found out about. It’s a very layered situation. I started becoming reactively abusive toward the end as well.

3 weeks after I ended things, he began reaching out every day begging for me back saying he is in therapy weekly and sober, got rid of his Xbox, going to church regularly, etc. He seemed to take full accountability for the issues in our relationship. He stopped reaching out after a couple weeks of consistently trying. Not responding has been so hard. I cry everyday missing him and our family. I often wonder if I made a mistake. I don’t think it’s fair to me that he knew what he had to do to change and he didn’t do it over our whole relationship. I catch myself just remembering the good and forgetting the bad, or how anxious I always felt. I can’t remember a lot of the bad. Why is that? Has this happened to any of you? Any advice? Sorry for the long post. Thanks in advance.

i f16 was emotionally and mentally abused by my boyfriend for almost a year and a half, and it’s really fucked me over. he’s still harassing me but that’s another tangent.

i can’t stop ruminating on the thought i was actually the abuser and ive got the situation all mixed up.

does anyone else feel like this sometimes? what helps? both with recovering and yk, moving on?

Hello. I've been searching for a job for roughly 2-3 years and most of the replies i receive are either ghosting or rejection letters despite creating multiple versions of my cv and receiving a good feedback from recruiters. My mom says with a loud voice that it's my fault i fail at interviews because I speak loudly in either phone screenings or video calls even though i am calm and patient. I feel like a failure and job market is cursed (It's said that it needs 1000 job applications in average to get a single interview which it's a waste of time with little to no results). She doesn't understand that the job market got worse. Every rejection and every ghosting makes the dream of moving away from a borderline parent impossible.

My therapist had never heard about it before, but said that it definitely fits what’s been happening to me with my ex

At first it was them saying I’m overreacting, then saying I’m the one hurting our relationship by bringing up my pain, then they started taking accountability finally, but said that I’m hurting myself by dwelling on my pain (even tho I was only dwelling on it because nothing had changed or because it hadn’t been enough time for me to heal from it yet) then they started saying I’m the abusive one and said I’m using DARVO because I taught them that word and explained how they are doing that, they couldn’t deny facts after I explained it to them, so they just reused the same words back on me, except I would ask them to explain themself and ofc they never actually had an explanation other than they just “felt manipulated” or something, never any real evidence that I was doing anything they ever said I was doing, and when that stopped working they stopped accusing me of all those things but went behind my back and talked shit about me instead, cus I wasn’t listening so maybe they could get sympathy from others and make themself look like the victim instead, the even admitted to lying to them for sympathy

I am 30 year old woman now need help not sure if i should take my cousin to court. For i couple years now its been really heavy on my mind. When we were all around 8-10 i remember the family gathering around to "decided"how they would handle the situation i brought it up to my mom & she acted as if she didn't know what i was talking about which has me thinking did she never knew did i made up the part where she found out in my head. I should start from the beginning when i was around 8 my cousin was most likely 20 was molesting me & my cousins( me he just touched not sure for them)we was all girls & it seemed that to them it was something perfectly fine since this is something he has been doing often when i found out it was more my cousin telling him to show me something & him just touching my bottoms i remember my mom being on the phone with a family member & after she got off telling me if someone ever touched me to let her know thinking back i know now the call most likely bout that as a kid i was really quiet & shy and did not really think much about it however do remember my mom crying & trying to hit my cousin when we all gather. i was so young i never understood the reason or the effects that would bring now at my 30s is when it had come up & sometimes in relationships i feel disgusted with myself i have done a lot of things i am not proud of & i look back try not to blame it however it seems like this shadow i can't escape from i am learning now to heal to have boundaries to not be a yes men. sometimes it is hard for me to really look at myself in the mirror without thinking bout the people i let come into my life & it always lead me back to that however i want to get over it & the only thing that keeps entering my head is i should sue him IDK SOMEONE HELP