Forgetting abuse after breaking up with partner
I (31F) broke up with my emotionally abusive partner (33M) a little over 2 months ago. I thought I would be starting to feel better by now. The more time goes on, the more I struggle to forget the verbal abuse and only remember the good.
I have dreams about him and his kids almost every night. I was very involved in their lives for over 3 years and they felt like my own children. The youngest often called me mom. We were very close.
I left one night after he had accused me of cheating and called me weird, told me to take off my ring (we wore promise rings), and told me I couldn’t go to the kids’ game the next morning. It felt like a punishment. And I had reached my limit, things like this happened whenever he got triggered. I told him I was leaving and he said good, go. Then he shut himself in the other room and I left. That night, the reason he accused me of cheating because I had a doctor touch my jaw at my job for my TMJ. The doctor offered me free healthcare at his office and I told my partner I was planning on going to see if he could help (this man was a bit older and seemed to be gay, not a threat to our relationship at all). When I told my partner, he said he doesn’t want to be with a woman who is that desperate for healthcare that I’m not willing to just go pay for it but instead go somewhere that is free. I was extremely loyal throughout our whole relationship, I still am even after being broken up. I can’t imagine even looking at another man like that.
I didn’t feel heard throughout most of the relationship and he would often lash out when I brought up issues, calling me weak or sensitive. He would say I’m selfish, childish, act like a victim, immature, can’t handle the truth, always negative, I didn’t know how to be a team, etc. He would tell me I always had a problem with something and I could never just be at peace. I felt often times it was the opposite and he was this things but projecting them onto me. I’m sure I became more negative throughout the relationship and I know that I wasn’t perfect. He’d convinced me he had cancer early on in our relationship and he also deleted some texts with his children’s mother that I found out about. It’s a very layered situation. I started becoming reactively abusive toward the end as well.
3 weeks after I ended things, he began reaching out every day begging for me back saying he is in therapy weekly and sober, got rid of his Xbox, going to church regularly, etc. He seemed to take full accountability for the issues in our relationship. He stopped reaching out after a couple weeks of consistently trying. Not responding has been so hard. I cry everyday missing him and our family. I often wonder if I made a mistake. I don’t think it’s fair to me that he knew what he had to do to change and he didn’t do it over our whole relationship. I catch myself just remembering the good and forgetting the bad, or how anxious I always felt. I can’t remember a lot of the bad. Why is that? Has this happened to any of you? Any advice? Sorry for the long post. Thanks in advance.