I need clarity
I get into this fight often with my spouse: we are at a party together and I feel ignored all night. She seems to avoid me all night but bounces around to all the people (even strangers) and shows them so much love and attention. It’s hard for me to tell her in the moment so I’ve usually shared my upset when we get home.
She has reacted by telling me I need to come to her if I want connection at a party. She’s acussed me of wanting to take her away from her friends and putting unfair expectations on her.
She has told me I am playing the victim, am self centered, controlling because I want her attention at a party.
Last night this happened and she got wasted and denied it- and her drunk makes me so uncomfortable… she seems to become a different person and acts fake in my view. It’s like she’s getting energy by making others feel good. She’s always the one to pump someone up, help out anyone in need, clean up after the party etc. How I see it is she gives others all her positive attention and I don’t see that side of her at home. I just miss having fun WITH her.
Last night she walked by me several times without looking at me or even touching me. It hurts me so much. I def have neglect wounds but when I ask for more attentiveness at parties she calls me self centered.
we even came up with a plan in therapy to check in at parties. She never does this. And I try but am very tentative and super uncomfortable when I see her drunk.
Last night felt like a total darvo: she denied she was drunk, she told me she did come see me several times and it was I who ignored her, she called me a victim and self centered, said she wasn’t safe with me, started crying and told me she’s done with this. She can’t take my crazy behaviour anymore.
My mistakes were: not asking for her attention at the party directly, raising my voice with her when we got home. But as soon as she started crying I softened, I apologized for my loud voice, but I really did not call her names, accuse her or anything. I was sober and reasonably grounded trying to share my hurt feelings and ask for what I need from a partner. I never got empathy pr validation from her - she thinks is selfish to want her attention at a party and I am playing the victim.
I feel really broken about this.