I know I need to leave. Why can’t I?
I’ve been in a long-distance relationship for three years. In the beginning, it felt like the best relationship I’d ever had. He was attentive, kind, emotionally aware, and we had incredible chemistry. Even our early disagreements felt healthy and productive.
About six months in, things started to shift. He began getting extremely angry over small things. During arguments, he would twist my words, project his behavior onto me, and somehow make everything my fault. It made me feel like I was crazy.
His reactions escalated into full-blown rages. He would scream, throw things, kick me out or leave himself, and break up with me during arguments. He regularly called me names and told me I was the problem. Early on, I reacted badly too. I yelled, defended myself, and sometimes matched his energy. I hated who I became in those moments, so I worked to change that. I thought maybe it was all my fault.
Now, I don’t react. I stay calm and let him rage until he burns out. These episodes can last for hours, sometimes days. If I apologize, even when I don’t feel I should have to, it usually ends faster. All of his crazy behavior is somehow acceptable because I triggered him into these rages.
Last year, things turned physical. During a vacation, he exploded over something minor. I teased him for his hat so he destroyed it in a bar front of people, yelled at me and then left me. When we finally got back to the house it got worse. He destroyed my phone and hair straightener, threw me to the ground, spit in my face and locked me out of the house. I ended up sitting outside and crying in the rain. He eventually let me back in and tried to mend things. But the next day on a hike he left me again when I suggested the behavior was inexcusable. It was my fault he did that and my fault that I was covered in bruises.
I should have left then, but I didn’t.
To his credit, he started therapy and there have been improvements. The rages are less frequent and slightly less intense. He can sometimes recognize his triggers and talk about his childhood trauma. But the behavior hasn’t stopped. He still yells, calls me names, and shuts me out for days. He can take some accountability but it’s somehow still always my fault he behaves this way. I thought we were on the right track though and felt hopeful. He really has been trying.
Recently, though, during a minor disagreement, I told him I felt like everything revolved around him. That set him off again. He kicked me out, and when I couldn’t get an uber to the airport late at night, I came back in and stayed on the couch. I texted him to let him know and asked for a ride in the morning. He came out of his room and he repeatedly poured water on me while yelling and blaming me for all of his relationship problems, including issues with his family. He also threw furniture and stole my phone and went through it while I was soaking wet and crying. He didn’t find anything.
The confusing part is that outside of these episodes, things can feel good. His kids adore me, and he behaves completely differently around them. There has never been a rage when his kids are around. We even had a normal, enjoyable weekend right after that incident.
But when I tried to talk about what happened when I returned home, he dismissed it, said I shouldn’t bring up the past, and justified his behavior again. He broke up with me (again), and we haven’t spoken since.
I’ve left so much out since this is already so long. I know this isn’t healthy. He’s not ever gonna change, right?? I don’t know why I’m struggling so much to leave. I’m 40 years old, fit, have a really great high paying job, beautiful home, a wonderful and close family, no drama outside of my boyfriend. He’s got so much baggage. Three kids (who I love), no relationship with his parents and several other family members, constant drama with his ex. He lives in a much less desirable part of the country than I do. What am I doing???
I don’t even know what im looking for here. Maybe just to finally vent and get it out of me. Maybe im looking for perspective, or maybe just the push I need to finally leave for good. Anyway, thanks for listening.