u/AdministrationDue544

I’m trying to understand a situation properly, not label or blame.

My girlfriend has diagnosed BPD and ADHD. She’s currently not in therapy.

Over the past few months, there have been patterns that are starting to affect me mentally, and I’m trying to understand if this aligns with BPD behaviours or if this is something else.

Examples:

Repeatedly labelling me negatively (e.g. saying “you’re autistic” or “you’re severely autistic”)

Explaining normal behaviour (being slightly shy, looking away briefly, tapping my leg) as something “wrong” with me

This was said enough that I actually started believing it and am now awaiting an assessment

At the same time:

There are moments of closeness, warmth, and connection

Followed by withdrawal, distance, or needing space

She tends to blame external things (work, GP, people) rather than take accountability

She’s resistant to therapy

Some added context:

She has tried DBT before, and honestly those were probably the best couple of weeks we’ve had. She was more positive, more aware, and even encouraged me to read and think differently in a good way.

But she hasn’t been able to stick to it. She stops engaging with DBT, doesn’t follow the workbooks, and tends to say things like it’s “shit” or that the therapist isn’t good.

Impact on me:

Anxiety and panic attacks at work

Periods of depression

Questioning my identity and reality

I’m not here to attack her. I care about her a lot.

I’m trying to understand:

Does this kind of behaviour align with BPD patterns (especially push/pull or projection)?

Is repeatedly labelling a partner like this something that can happen during emotional dysregulation?

What does “healthy” look like in this situation if someone with BPD is actively working on themselves?

And from my side:

What is the best way to respond to behaviour like this without escalating things?

Is taking space / going no contact for a few days a healthy move, or can that make things worse with someone who has BPD?

How do you support someone with BPD while still protecting your own mental health and boundaries?

I’m just trying to get a grounded understanding of what I’m dealing with and what is realistically manageable long-term.

Appreciate honest perspectives.

I (31M) have been in a relationship with my girlfriend (27F) for 10 months, and I’m honestly at the point where I’m considering ending it, but I want some outside perspective before I make a final decision.

Over the last few weeks/months, I’ve noticed a pattern where she becomes overwhelmed (work, health, life in general), and instead of communicating properly, she withdraws, becomes distant, and inconsistent.

Recently it’s escalated.

What happened:

She told me she’s been feeling “overwhelmed,” “ill,” and “has a lot on”

Communication dropped massively (we’re talking 8+ hours of silence, which is very unlike us)

She was still able to do things like go to a hair appointment, post on IG, etc.

She didn’t reply to my mum, who invited her to my brother’s 18th birthday (this really bothered me)

The call that changed everything:

We spoke on the phone and I calmly asked her to just be honest about what’s going on and where her head is at.

Her responses were very confusing:

She said she’s “not sure about anything right now”

She said she “doesn’t want expectations”

She suggested we don’t see each other for 2 weeks

Then said it’s “not black and white” and we can still “check in”

She also said I’ve been “weird” and hard to talk to

It honestly felt like:

Contradictions

Avoidance

No clear direction

My issue:

I’m not asking for anything crazy.

I just want:

Communication

Basic consistency

Feeling considered

If she had said:

“I’m overwhelmed, I need a few days to myself, I’ll check in with you”

I would have respected that.

But instead it feels like:

I’m being pushed to the side

There’s no clarity

And I’m just supposed to sit here while she “figures herself out”

Other context (important):

She has a pattern of blaming external things (work, GP, other people’s “negativity”)

She has diagnosed BPD & ADHD

She’s resistant to therapy and says it doesn’t work

She has made comments towards me before that I didn’t like (calling me “autistic,” “dumb,” criticising how I dress, etc.)

I’ve still shown up for her consistently despite all of this

My mum (who is very level-headed) doesn’t like her and feels she’s made no effort and given nothing back

Where I’m at now:

I feel like:

She doesn’t have the capacity for a relationship

She wants the comfort of one without the responsibility

And I’m being sidelined while she decides what she wants

The whole “2 week space” thing doesn’t sit right with me at all.

To me, it feels like:

“I want distance, but I also don’t want to fully lose you”

My question:

Am I being unreasonable for thinking this isn’t how a healthy adult relationship should work?

And more importantly:

Would you stay and give this space, or would you walk away at this point?

I’m genuinely trying to approach this calmly and not emotionally, but something about this just doesn’t feel right.

Appreciate any honest opinions

I’m posting this because I genuinely don’t know if I’m overreacting or if something’s actually not right here.

Over the past few months, my girlfriend has repeatedly said things like:

•	“you’re so autistic”

•	“no you’re severely autistic”

She’ll point to really normal or small behaviours and frame them as autism. For example:

•	briefly looking away while talking

•	tapping my leg

•	being slightly shy or quiet in certain situations

A lot of normal behaviour gets explained as “that’s your autism”.

Over time this actually got to me. I started believing her. It got to the point where I’ve now gone down the route of getting an assessment after her constantly telling me to.

But the impact on me has been pretty bad:

•	I went through a period of anxiety and depression

•	had panic attacks at work

•	started questioning my whole life and identity

•	felt disconnected from myself at times

I’m currently waiting for the assessment, but deep down I don’t feel like there’s anything fundamentally wrong with me. I was shy as a kid, that’s about it. No strong childhood signs or anything that stands out.

Now I’m starting to question whether I’ve been influenced too much.

Has anyone experienced something like this?

Being told repeatedly you have autism to the point you start believing it?

I’m trying to figure out if:

•	this is a genuine possibility I should explore

or

•	I’m being pushed into something and it’s affecting my mental health

A side note that she has diagnosed ADHD and BPD, for added context

Any honest input would help.