r/polyamory

Here’s my original post from two years ago - https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/I9ofF238eQ

TW- Covert abuse

So many of you pointed out the red flags in my (26F) post two years ago and I wanted to prove you all right. Just to recap, I made a post (linked above) about my (soon to be ex) husband (M29) two years ago basically saying that he had slept with someone without protection and I felt like I’d been cheated on. Eventually I forgave him but never fully trusted him after that. I (wrongly) came to the conclusion that I hadn’t made my boundaries clear, when thinking back, we wrote an agreement when our non-monogamy started, explicitly outlining boundaries, and use of protection was included in that.

So fast forward to August 2025, we split up after a horrendous camping trip that ended in me walking 3 miles down country lanes, 1.5 hours away from home, to get away from him. I had rang my father crying who did the drive and came to rescue me. Knowing I hadn’t eaten yet as we were packing up after the camping trip, my dad took me to a cafe where I laid my entire marriage out on the table. I realised something was horrifically wrong when I was talking very blasé about my relationship, only to look up and see my giant manly man dad crying at how I was being treated. Six months later and I’ve been with domestic abuse support, and found out that the way that we were polyamorous had a lot to do with the covert abuse that I was a victim of. We had a one penis policy, veto power, and every other polyamorous red flag you can possibly think of. My relationships had to be for his sexual gratification when all I wanted was to be loved. The incident linked above ended in so much gaslighting and emotional manipulation that I genuinely thought him being irresponsible was my fault. I felt sorry for him. I comforted him.

There was so much more abuse at play but I wanted to give this update to clarify that, if you ask Reddit something and red flags get pointed out, please listen to them. If I had I might have been out of abuse far sooner.

Tell me who has dated a married person and had them say they arent hierarchical? And have full relationships on offer?

Just 6 months into this situation and a series of seemingly smallish actions have turned on the floodlights that show me cracks in hinge, in meta, in their dynamic...and that in spite of them saying theybe eliminated as much hierarchy as possible, there is indeed hierarchy that will be reinforced by both of them when they feel like it, and one partner straight up used the marriage as an excuse to create a new rule that limits what my partner has on offer (but not what she has on offer) and means my partner no longer has a full relationship on offer. The full relationship was a requirement for me. So this feels like a veto without a veto, because they *don't do those*. This is against the spirit of their original agreement I was told existed and changes so much about how they agree their polyamory works, and sets the stage for future additional limitations on my relationship, but not metas of course. And my partner just agreed to it - it has become clear that there's some, *if I'm being generous*, carelessness in demands from meta and use of the not great marriage dynamic to get things back in her favor anytime she's feeling insecure. She doesn't do the work to not feel insecure but instead implements rules that dont hold up to any kind of examination. And hinge *goes along with it*.

Hinge and I have fantastic connection in many ways, but at this point Im not just dating hinge, I'm dating his wife's toxic insecurities and their well established unhealthy dynamic and I don't want to give him up, but he's doing so much to insure that I do.

Is it polyamory if the wife is monogamous to her husband and has said "I don't want to hear her name ever again." (Speaking of secondary partner. Wife has gone back and forth on what info they want to know about the secondary partner, which has continued to jerk secondary partner back and forth by hinge. Relationship dynamic has changed over the years as a result of wife's requests.) And when asked of hinge what would happen if the wife hears the secondary partner's name or is reminded of their existence that she would leave and divorce him. And therefore, all traces of secondary partner's existence is remained hidden and secret by hinge and what hinge has to offer for a relationship is limited. The relationship only exists in ways that he can hide secondary partner from his wife and life with her and anyone connected with her.

Is this polyamory? Hierarchal? Ethical? Unethical? Polyfuckery? Sneakyarchy? Strict parallel? DADT? Affair?

Would you be able to be the seconary partner in this situation and if so, how would you make this work for you? If not, why not? Would you do anything to try to change this situation for you and if so, what? What rights do you feel you would have in this situation?

I'm asking because I don't even know anymore which way is up, what is ethical or not, or what this even is anymore. As the secondary partner, I have tried for 12 years- and walking away is fucking painful as hell. So much invested. And staying feels awful as well.

I'm open to any advice at this point.

This is mostly about relational communication, but since it mostly handles feelings in relation to polyamory my feeling is that it fits best here.

Me (male) and my fiancee (Ash) are polyamorous, and we both have extra partners. My girlfriend (Birch) has become quite a serious relationship and Ash is having problems managing her feelings in relation to this. I word it this way, because this is my experience, but it's only one side of the story, of course.

So, Ash doesn't handle her emotions very good, this she can admit to herself, but one part of our problem is her feeling of being validated and "understood". I can understand that need and it is a need I would want to meet.

My problem, though, is that it feels constant. If I book a lunch date with Birch, then Ash want to express - or more likely, want ME to express that this is hard on her feelings. To me, this is most of the times, where her feelings need to talked about again and again and again.

I feel that this creates a negative feedback sort of situation, me having (almost) any kind of interaction with Birch means that Ash's feelings need to be talked about.

And I realise that I sound like someone that rejects talking about someone else's feelings, or at the very least that I don't want to talk "enough" about Ash's feelings which leaves her feeling ignored and her feelings is a problem. I get that, and there are aspects of this that are true as well, in the sense that I feel that nothing ever really changes. We talk about her feelings, I feel guilty for wanting to spend time with Birch but also frustrated by the lack of goal with these talks. She repeats that she wants her feelings to be validated and feel heard and understood - which again is an important part of relational communication, and I have no problem with that. But then a week passes, or a few day passes and then we're there again, and again. Treading the same points, the same feelings again and again. To the point where I fear booking anything with Birch because I don't want to have this conversation and this feeling again.

What I need help in getting my head around here - is how do I manage this? When do I put my foot down, how do I do it? Am I being unreasonable? Maybe I shouldn't "put my foot down"? How do I help her manage these situations? What kind of language should I use to describe what is happening and how it affects us? I want to be mindful about how she feels about this while at the same time apply working methods on how to manage this.

I am specifically looking for comments on:

Have you had experience with yourself or your partners splitting up “intimacy” - which felt like part of identity - among different people?

TLDR

Here is what I mean by identity and intimacy:

It seems like my partner separates these two functions of intimacy and approaches them as different kinds of activities to be resourced from different places. Loving over here (w me) fucking over there (with them). These were both co-located with me, until recently.

Historically, I have considered both of them to be a central feature of how I show up in relationship.

Providing for the two of them together(the broad savannah of love making and the jagged peaks of intense fucking) form a key component of my self-image in relationship, and how I created safety in relationship.

The fact that my partner seems to be outsourcing “fucking“ to a different (new) partner who is by all observable measures significantly better at fucking than I am, has been very challenging.

I have been amply reassured that the continental savannah of my lovemaking is what creates the safe base in our relationship, and is the foundation of my partner’s long term relationship with me (there is a unspoken assumption that while the new fucking partner could develop into a full blown romantic relationship, that there does not seem to be much potential for that. It’s really about the intensely peak experience of fucking).

I simultaneously rejoice for my partner’s fucking luck, and have to find a new way to understand my own identity (as liver and fucker) and how I have created relational security through sex.

Have you had similar experiences?

Thank you.

Me (f37) and my now ex bf (m50) started dating shortly after our marriages ended. At first it was a casual thing but after taking a trip together we fell har for each other. This relationship went on for 3 years. He also was dating my meta (f46). That has been going on for 2-3 years as well.

At first we mostly dated in a parallel style, but as time went by and eventually met. We became friends. Sometimes we would attend events altogether. We all also dated other people.

As time went on, I became more and more uncomfortable with the blurred lines of the relationship of me and my bf and the relationship I had with my meta. I was longing for more of a primary relationship and if I were to continue to go on trips or spend time and resources with my boyfriend, I wanted to feel more of a commitment and public acknowledgement of the relationship.

I had gotten vague hints of escalation- comments on how we should be together, that he felt closer to me than his other partner. Cute comments after a server would refer to me as his wife. He even mention at some point if I wanted to have a child that he would consider being the father.

When I asked about escalating things (I want a primary and I would love it to be you), he said he didn’t want to hurt his other partner. He’s never really clarified why he would say things that would lead me on if he didn’t mean to act on any of it. I live alone in a house to myself, am self employed and make a decent income, and have no kids of my own. I felt I was in a good position to find a life partner, and felt being so attached with my boyfriend would keep me from finding a primary.

We broke up for a variety of reasons… I decided to date and focus my energy elsewhere, and after he broke up with me he said he was gonna move out of state because he could not afford to live in the area and wanted his daughter to live closer to her mom. He said he would reconsider getting back together if I ended my new relationship, but I didn’t think it was fair of him to ask that of me without a serious commitment on the table.

Now my meta is mad at me for asking all of these questions. She said she felt I was asking him to de escalate things with her. I honestly can’t blame her for feeling that way, but I also felt that I had a right to ask this question. I didn’t want to wait forever to see where things would go, and was no longer happy being one of two girlfriends or being referred to as a friend. I wasn’t willing to compromise my needs just to keep the peace. AITA for asking if the things I am being lead to believe are actually gonna happen?

A bit of a rant. Maybe I just need to vent. But there’s a real question at the end. My wife and I got together in high school. We were each other’s first relationship. We’re in our 30s now. Married for a couple of years. Most of our relationship was essentially as close to blissful as it comes. We communicate well. We love to talk and discuss and analyze. We disagreed sometimes--we would get emotional, and tense, and conversation wouldn’t flow so easily as it does normally, but only because we wanted to be deliberate about what we said and how we said it, and so we got through most things without “fights.” And I love her. I wanted to give her everything.

About 5 years ago, she asked me about opening our relationship. It hadn’t been something I was interested in. I asked her how important it was to her. She said she couldn’t help but be discontent if we didn’t. I thought long and hard about it and decided I could handle it, that I’m at least curious about being with someone else before I died. So we were open, and she enjoyed herself, and I was happy for her. I, on the other hand, didn’t have much luck either meeting people or connecting with them in a casual sexual context. As expected, I would feel pangs of jealousy sometimes, but it gradually subsided in frequency and intensity from rageful fits to a light tickle, almost fun.

A year ago, I met someone I liked. For the purposes of this rant, call her Olivia. We dated weekly and gradually fell in love over the course of a few months. I was careful not to let the limerence affect my relationship with my wife; I still loved her just the same and showed her no less attention, but I could tell that it was bothering her. She was quicker to anger, prickly about boundaries. And her mental health started to decline. I told her we didn’t need to keep doing this. She insisted she was committed to this, that it would get better. Several times, after she had panic attacks, I was convinced I would have to break up with Olivia. I know how disrespectful that is to Olivia’s agency and devalues our relationship. She’s a whole person who loves me and who I supposedly love, and I was going to cancel her like a gym subscription. But I didn’t think I had any other options. Each of those times, my wife talked me out of it.

Finally, a couple of months ago, my wife started having weekly panic attacks. I had to take her to the emergency room. I could see where this was going. I decided to break it off with Olivia. But my wife still has this sea of repressed rage towards me. We try to have positive connections and fun dates, but she feels distant and subdued. In her sober and in control moments, she understands that this was a difficult situation for me, that I care for her and didn’t do anything dishonest or underhanded. But anything--if I’m too sad about how things have turned out, if she’s not doing well and I try to be cheerful, some casual disagreement--can set her off and start that rage bubbling over. Then, she might yell anything at me, that I didn’t care as much about her suffering as I did about my own enjoyment, demand an apology from me, that she can’t trust me anymore, followed by tears and panic and sleepless nights and days-long tension. We’ve been in couples counseling basically since I met Olivia, trying to make things work. Any conversation at all about our feelings, including our counseling sessions, leaves things in that state of unresolvable tension--so now we’ve cancelled our sessions. At this point, I’m finding myself emotionally shutting down around her, not able to express myself or have anything more than superficial interactions because I’m afraid of what might happen. I’ve started to experience total emotional numbness and anhedonia when she’s around. When she’s not in our home, I randomly start sobbing uncontrollably. And I’m increasingly finding myself angry as well--feelings which I know she simply cannot handle. I know she’s not choosing to feel this way. She’s not a spiteful or selfish person, the feelings just completely take her over. When I talk to friends, mutual or otherwise, I pretty much always hear the same thing; I’m in an impossible situation, they don’t know what I should do, and maybe we need some space.

In the end, I feel like she’s stuck with the feelings of having been cheated on. She’s angry I fell in love with , and any expression that I still love Olivia or miss her or don’t regret that relationship feels like disrespect. In her heart, she wants me to apologize, wants me to make up for it and earn her trust back. But in her head, she knows that I didn’t actually cheat on her, so none of that is something I can do authentically. So we’re stuck. How can we repair an affair that didn’t take place?

EDIT: Some common themes:

1. Yes she is in a lot of individual therapy, and has been.

2. No, it doesn't really make much sense that she's mad at me, and she knows that, but the fact that it doesn't make sense doesn't make it go away for her

I know we're all sick of saying it or hearing it: it's not a meta problem, it's a hinge problem. I've told people this, and I've been told it. It made me draw on my psychology background to ask myself, why am I so preoccupied with my meta when I should be focusing on communicating with my hinge?

I think there are some obvious and not-so-obvious, but most importantly, human and understandable reasons we get hung up on metas. Just like we can't unlearn compulsory monogamy with a snap of the fingers, neither can we make ourself magically unlearn these patterns. However my hope is that by naming them it will (for me personally) give me anchors to interrupt and redirect my thought loops about metas when they come up.

1. It avoids us having to ask the hard questions about our hinge. This one is pretty obvious - "but my hinge is just so nice/accommodating/easily influenced/conflict avoidant!" We say these things like they are immutable facts and not also unattractive behaviors. The unconditional positive regard for the hinge (especially if NRE is in play) makes it very hard to accept that if meta behavior is impacting the relationship, that is because of poor boundaries of the hinge 99% of the time.

2. Metas are people who we do not usually have much or any influence over. In anything other than kitchen table or greater enmeshment, we can't necessarily work conflicts out with a meta with a heart to heart conversation. This means metas are ambiguous - we don't know what they are thinking, feeling, or doing; or if we do it might be informational leaks from hinge that are unhelpful (comparisons, complaints, etc.). Ambiguity aversion is a behavior associated with anxiety, so it follows that many will respond by grasping for points of control. This often includes believing we deserve to get our way because we have the moral high ground (assuming/projecting motives onto the meta because they are unknown to us).

3. Metas who have more structural power in the relationship can make it feel like the position as a newer partner is more tenuous. Of course a reasonable person doesn't expect to date someone for a month and be prioritized over a partner of 10 or more years, especially if there is nesting or kids involved. But on the other hand, longstanding or highly hierarchical relationship structures sometimes only leave a small corner open for the development of new relationships, and it can feel like an uphill battle carving out space. This positions the meta as an obstacle to escalation or closeness - "if meta didn't take up 75% of their available time I would be able to get more than 25%." This is again a fallacy, because the hinge could in theory always renegotiate time splits with meta, even if they've been together 50 years. But, longer or more strictly hierarchical relationships can have more entrenched patterns or expectations and being expected to "fit in around" that can lead to resentment of the overall structure, including what we perceive to be the meta's role.

4. Rarely will someone advertise up front that your meta is a nightmare, so by the time the hinging issues occur there can be sunk cost fallacy. Related to points 2 and 3, many folks will talk a good game early in dating about their existing relationships being healthy and "non-hierarchical" regardless of whether they actually are as you would define it. Most people are wise enough to shove their messiness under the carpet at first. I've found it can take a month or two or six for people to share that actually, meta has a serious alcohol problem and there is heavy. codependency; or, that ex they keep complaining about is actually still living with them; or, that stable primary partnership they're in is actually based on an incredible shaky foundation of people pleasing by the hinge. The sunk cost fallacy means that if we have caught feelings or put in emotional labor to try to make things work, we are prone to sticking it out too long in the hopes of getting back to the good old days of NRE before the hinge's behavior became such an issue.

Are there others you've encountered? How do you redirect yourself when you have misplaced focus on a meta?

Hello!! I have a nesting partner and just started dating someone else. There were a lot of big feelings in the first week of dating, such as NRE with this new person and hard feelings of change with my nesting partner. I think I made it quite a bit of missteps in terms of communicating and pacing. I really want to be a good hinge and I want to care for both of these people. I’m nervous about how couples privledge will negatively impact my new date and I want to minimize that. My partner needs things to slow down for her nervous system to settle. And this new person is feeling anxious about the uncertainty of when we will see each other. How have you handled this in the past? What are some tips you have for me, someone who has never done this before? What are some things you wish you knew? I’m needing words of encouragement that it will work itself out too.

Hey! So I (32,NB) noticed that I have always struggled with being alone. Nowadays I see that my addiction to constant contact with people got worse. I also scroll through dating apps to find some new entertaining people. Currently I have 1 partner (32,NB), 1 meanigful relationship (26,NB) currently abroad and I am dating a new person (27,F). I can see that I have some sort of NRE but I don’t really like this feeling cause I tend to obsess about them like „why aren’t they texting me”. It’s draining and I want to learn how to be alone and fulfilled without being on the phone all the time in order to write either to my partner or my current date or swiping on Feeld etc. I know it can come from anxious attachment. I am in DBT therapy. Just to give the context - I am AuADHD. I would appreciate some helpful advice how to be more content with myself cause I tend to chase novelty, be addicted to texting and checking my phone and constantly think about my love life.

Any advice? 😭

I am solo-poly, with one serious partner.

I had two absolutely out of the gate requests from men on the apps today.

One who required me to meet his wife before we could sleep together- we had exchanged about 4 messages, I appreciate at least they disclosed it up front.

Another who would require to get some sort of confirmation from my partner that I was allowed to see other people before we even went on one date.

I vet well and from the start, and immediately unmatch anyone that is incompatible or has rules that don't offer what I am looking for.

Interested in the weirdest/interesting rules or boundaries you've come across recently.

Hello,

So my situation is that I met someone, Tomato, and had started connecting with the idea of friendship that might turn into more. At the time I was in conflict with my partner Cherry and we were taking a break. I had long talks with Tomato about what was going on, because our conflict was largely about polyamory and the things it was bringing up between us. Tomato is also poly and so it was really nice to talk with someone who could understand some of the issues we were facing. I didn't disparage Cherry but talked about my feelings and about what was going on.

Fast forward a few months, Cherry and I reconciled and are going to couple's therapy and have done a lot of work. Unexpectedly, Cherry and Tomato have started exploring a potential relationship, while my relationship with Tomato has stayed on more of a friendship level.

The other day, I was chatting with Tomato about some of their own relationship troubles with another partner and they asked me something about the timeline of my previous conflict with Cherry. I slipped into complaining about a current conflict with Cherry and then stopped when I realized it was bad. Apologized to Tomato who said that no harm was done.

I really want to avoid triangulation. I don't want to influence meta (Tomato) negatively towards Cherry now that they're maybe starting something together. I spoke more freely in the past because it wasn't something that was on the horizon as a possibility.

My question is whether folks have tips on how to navigate a friendship with a meta where we talk about what it's like to be poly, without turning that into a conflict of interest for the meta. If that makes sense?

So I (35F) married 17 years and polyamorus. Husband 38. New boyfriend 31 moved in last May.

At the beginning of my husband and I's relationship we had sex alot. Then it dwindled. He had ED issues even as a teen. I have a high libido and part of my love language is physical touch (tickling, cuddling, holding hands, and yes sex). Not having sex starts to mess with me mentally. I went the last 15.5 years being horny giving all my cues then started verbalizing, only to be met with my husband going to sleep. So I lay there wondering why he doesnt want to be with me. Everything else in our married life was really good. But that started to effect me. Yes I masturbate, but its not the same and it just makes me feel lonely and pathetic. Pretty much its a means to an end for me.

Some other things happened in between but we will fast forward.

Boyfriend moves in. We are having sex like crazy. Sometimes 3 times a night! Now I dont have to have it that much but I was not complaining. But now we may go a month without sex. Plus his other physical intimacy has dwindled too. Not playing or picking on me as much. Everything else is good. Great actually. He surprised me with a date day and we had the best day! The last time I brought how I was feeling he said, "I just dont want you to think I just want sex".....I mean I get that but we live together and have been together for a year and a half. Thats something I'd think at the beginning of a relationship not this far in.

Anyway now I pretty much feel like the only way we have sex is if I verbalize I want it. There's no playing or foreplay. He doesnt initiate with out me speaking it so I just feel like a kid asking to be bought a toy or that sex with me is no longer a priority.

Now my husband rarely ever has been told no. However, there were times I wanted to say no (just wasnt on that mood, tired, sick whatever) but wpuld still have sex because I know what its like to feel rejected. Once boyfriend moved I started saying no. I chose myself for once. Well husband wanted it more when I wasnt in the mood so that caused some issues that we are still working through but things are getting better.

Boyfriend makes me feel like he doesnt want me to have sex with my husband but he doesnt want to have sex with me either.

Its starting to impact me mentally. Any advice would be great.

My husband (39M) and I (36F) have been in a triad with our boyfriend (26M) for about a year and a half now. 2 months ago, we transitioned from long-distance to all living together.

As a background info, husband and I both have herpes, but our boyfriend does not. I recently had an outbreak while ovulating (only my 3rd outbreak ever) and it was such a pain. I wanted sex so bad and could not have it, not to mention the burning, itchy, tingly butt I was experiencing.

Flash forward to yesterday, I had finished my round of antivirals and my butt finally wasn’t contagious anymore (scabs gone).

Our boyfriend seized the opportunity to go down on me, refusing to let me do anything for him, just saying “making you happy is all the pleasure I need”, looking up at me midway through to tell me, “you are so beautiful like this.” Afterwards, all 3 of us cuddled and watched a show that I picked out on the TV, snuggled up under a blanket.

I know I should not feel “gross” because of herpes and yet, like so many people, I do. It made me feel amazing to be treated with such love and care after an outbreak, especially by someone that does not experience herpes themself. During the outbreak, he also gave me plenty of cuddles (while I was wearing underwear and pajama pants), making sure I still felt loved and appreciated even though we couldn’t have sex for awhile.

I definitely feel like one lucky girl, and told him so after our experience, to which he replied, “I think the same thing about you every day.”

Basically, NP (29F,) and I (27F) have been living together for 6 years. We have had conversations about expectations after hosting in our shared space. My expectations are that sheets be changed and any blankets etc that got bodily fluids on them be put in the laundry bin. For a long time, it was like that! The expectations were followed! It was great!

Then our amount of sheets started dwindling (dog had a couple accidents in our bed, no problem for the waterproof mattress cover, but obviously sheets took a hit, he doesn’t do that anymore but we just…haven’t gotten new sheets cuz I don’t have the money to and NP just doesn’t care to.)

Now, when she hosts in our shared space, she expects me to just be okay with the things I was never previously okay with when it comes to Where I Sleep, and I’m supposed to be okay with dirty sheets with bodily fluids that aren’t mine, or at least mine and hers from a moment between us. For months she has not changed the sheets after because “we don’t have any other sheets.” Sure, whatever, why hasn’t she washed them? “Well I don’t have enough quarters right now to just go to the laundromat for just the sheets” which like… at that point just do the rest of the laundry??

But! Friday she hosted, I wasn’t supposed to be home (as I typically prefer not to be when she hosts) but I had a medical event the day prior that made me unable to go to work on Friday. Instead, I hung out for 3 hours in my roommates room (with permission from roommate) still in pain from my medical event, because she was spiraling when I told her what happened and that I wouldn’t be going to work and I was like “dude I’ll just go to roommates room it’s fine.”

A friend of mine came over and since I had been telling her about how we had had dirty sheets for months and that NP was hosting, my friend bought us a set of new sheets as a housewarming gift. NP and friend changed the sheets and NP seemed happy about it but there was something strange in her eyes that shifted? I don’t really know how to explain it.

And NP has been being very short, cold, and almost downright mean to me since then.

Today, I’m laying in bed still in physical pain preparing to go to work tomorrow after NP has been being mean to me since Saturday and I don’t know why, and I’m curled up under our comforter aaaaandd…. there is a MASSIVE cumstain on our comforter. She is the only one with the uh, equipment, required to do that that was involved Friday and we use condoms between us so I know it wasn’t from us. And thinking back, the bed was still made almost perfectly when Meta left Friday.

TLDR I think NP fucked meta on top of our comforter because our sheets were gross, then didn’t mention it or clean the comforter or put it in the laundry bin because she’s gotten so used to not doing that in recent months because of various excuses, and when we finally changed the sheets a friend gave us as a housewarming gift I felt a bit cleaner, just to find a massive cumstain on Top of the comforter I was all curled up in and was holding against my face. I feel like I need to take a shower and have 10,000 conversations.

My wife and I are just starting this, with the agreement that we not see someone the other person knows. She specifically said she’d prefer that I see someone from my work (which is in another city). I did ask a coworker if she’d like to grab a drink sometime after work, and she said she would. I don’t really know if it’s like as a date or just friends, and just not sure how forward to be about it. Do you have any advice for “feeling things out” with another person? Do you tell them upfront that you’re non-monogamous or wait and see what kind of vibes you get? I just don’t want it to be weird…

I also haven’t dated anyone else in 7 years, so just out of practice in general.

So my boyfriend wants to have a second girlfriend. For some backstory, we’ve been in an open relationship, but only for sexual partners. I personally just don’t think I’ll ever love someone the way I love my boyfriend, or even have a real crush on someone else. I feel like I’ll only ever have that kind of love for him.

So I’ve been really confused and hurt. But he’s been so much happier being able to flirt and have a deeper connection with this other girl. And I am happy that he’s happy, so I don’t want to take that away from him. But I just… don’t know. I need some tips on how to maybe get through this. Because I know he really wants this and he has been happier. So I don’t want to tell him to stop.

Was talking about this recently with a partner and was explaining that building a life with a partner for me implies a level of enmeshment based on quality time and relationship milestones more than combining our entire life infrastructure (marriage, kids, cohabitation, etc).

I’m the non-nested one. He is married and nested. This is not something he has thought too much about before in this context, but it came up because I started differentiating between solitary date nights versus multiple consecutive days spent with a partner where there may be unstructured quality time. To me, this feels like building a life off the escalator and an evolution of how we spend our time together from curated compressed time where there’s some level of performance to just existing within a space together where we become more familiar with each others daily habits/routines, being able to sit in silence without constant conversation, relying more on ambiance, etc.

Now I’m really curious about others who are nested, but have additional serious partners.

What does building a life with those partners look like to you?

So I (39M) am sure I'm not alone in this; I don't know how to tell someone when I'm interested. Poly life is great, but how do you want someone to tell you that they're interested in you? I know that I need directness, I can't just be left to my own devices because I'll never figure it out, but it seems like that throws most people off! But just asking them out has always felt awkward and forced to me, especially since it can still leave ambiguity. So, fellow polyams of all genders and neurotypes, To ask again....how?

Edit: I currently have two partners, each of whom has at least one other

Alright everyone, I have been asked again and again to do an update on this post that I did shortly before new year’s eve:

https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/ChiZpPdzlX

I am really sorry that it took me so long, life happened. It was so much fun to read my old post again though, as things have changed so much since then.

So here is what happened:

After all the great comments I got I decided that there really is no way around talking it out beforehand. So I asked partner to arrange a meeting for the three of us. I then started the conversation by asking everyone about their limits and expectations concerning the sleeping arrangement. For example how much/how little clothing they’d be ok with in the bed and how much physical intimacy would be ok between the two sets of partners. Meta looked really confused and blurted out “What do you mean? I thought we’re planning on having a threesome!”

That was so unexpected that we all broke out in laughter for a solid 5 minutes. I felt so relieved and stupid and smart, all at the same time.

In my initial post I said that I had a gut feeling that she might want that and maybe make a move on NYE, but she never ever said anything explicit about us doing anything together. So my gut feeling was spot on but I felt really stupid for making such a fuss about it and not just trusting my feeling and just addressing the question directly.

So after we all clarified that everyone would be on board with the idea of a threesome, we started planning the fun and openly discussing potential risks. It felt really good and also made it much clearer to me that she was actually really into me, and really wanted to explore this for herself. So my worries were all heard, discussed and cleared up. You were all so right.

Unfortunately, on new year’s eve in the afternoon I realised that I had a very painful cystitis. I literally had this only once in my life before. Such an unbelievable bad luck. I was soooo angry and disappointed and sad and exhausted and in pain, I was very close to cancelling and spending the evening alone in bed, crying. But ended up dragging myself to meta’s place. Partner was already there. When I arrived, meta was soooo lovely and caring and provided me with medicine, tea and a hot water bottle, so I instantly felt so much better mentally and gradually also physically.

So we agreed that we could still have fun, just without any involvement of my poor and sore bits.

After dinner we made ourselves comfortable and started playing a game based on the wheel of consent, to kind of test the waters. Partner and I were both quite hesitant and went very slowly, asking for shoulder rubs and stuff like that, because we were both worried that meta might become overwhelmed. Well that was so wrong. She basically expressed that she would rather like to get naked and sweaty immediately. So that’s what we did then and we ended up having a lot of fun. Although I have to admit that in my condition I couldn’t enjoy it 100%. But it was still very nice and I didn’t worry about any potential bad feelings anymore. We slept together all cuddled up, woke up all sweaty because of the extra body heat of 3 people, had a shower and continued the fun. Somewhere in between we also had champagne and watched the fireworks of course, but I don’t remember much of that, it really didn’t matter to us.

I was previously worried that meta’s and my relationship might change, but it somehow didn’t. We had discussed what we wanted from this already beforehand, agreed that we didn’t want to change anything substantially and immediately bounced back to friend mode afterwards (i.e. no physical intimacy except for hugs). But to me it feels much closer and easier now. All the little things where I felt a bit awkward previously are just gone now. For example how long I am supposed to hug her when we greet each other or whether I’m looking at her too much/too little or whether she wants me to hug her when she’s sad. Everything feels more natural and flowy now and I feel like it has brought us closer together.

Meta and I had a night out without partner recently and ended up at her place having fun together again, this time just the two of us. That was even nicer, because this time I was healthy. After that we again bounced back to friend mode. It feels a bit weird that we are switching between these different “modes” so clearly, so I still wanna understand that a bit better and have a conversation about it, but I’m very grateful about the lovely relationship we have and about the joy we shared. We agreed that we would repeat the experience and also the threesome sometime, but there is no sense of urgency.

So thanks everyone for your advice, I’m really happy I posted the question here and got so many kind and thoughtful replies. Hope you all have lots of fun as well!