How to handle the balance between managing emotions and negative feedback?
This is mostly about relational communication, but since it mostly handles feelings in relation to polyamory my feeling is that it fits best here.
Me (male) and my fiancee (Ash) are polyamorous, and we both have extra partners. My girlfriend (Birch) has become quite a serious relationship and Ash is having problems managing her feelings in relation to this. I word it this way, because this is my experience, but it's only one side of the story, of course.
So, Ash doesn't handle her emotions very good, this she can admit to herself, but one part of our problem is her feeling of being validated and "understood". I can understand that need and it is a need I would want to meet.
My problem, though, is that it feels constant. If I book a lunch date with Birch, then Ash want to express - or more likely, want ME to express that this is hard on her feelings. To me, this is most of the times, where her feelings need to talked about again and again and again.
I feel that this creates a negative feedback sort of situation, me having (almost) any kind of interaction with Birch means that Ash's feelings need to be talked about.
And I realise that I sound like someone that rejects talking about someone else's feelings, or at the very least that I don't want to talk "enough" about Ash's feelings which leaves her feeling ignored and her feelings is a problem. I get that, and there are aspects of this that are true as well, in the sense that I feel that nothing ever really changes. We talk about her feelings, I feel guilty for wanting to spend time with Birch but also frustrated by the lack of goal with these talks. She repeats that she wants her feelings to be validated and feel heard and understood - which again is an important part of relational communication, and I have no problem with that. But then a week passes, or a few day passes and then we're there again, and again. Treading the same points, the same feelings again and again. To the point where I fear booking anything with Birch because I don't want to have this conversation and this feeling again.
What I need help in getting my head around here - is how do I manage this? When do I put my foot down, how do I do it? Am I being unreasonable? Maybe I shouldn't "put my foot down"? How do I help her manage these situations? What kind of language should I use to describe what is happening and how it affects us? I want to be mindful about how she feels about this while at the same time apply working methods on how to manage this.