Is this Polyamory? Is this Ethical? I Don't Know Anymore.
Is it polyamory if the wife is monogamous to her husband and has said "I don't want to hear her name ever again." (Speaking of secondary partner. Wife has gone back and forth on what info they want to know about the secondary partner, which has continued to jerk secondary partner back and forth by hinge. Relationship dynamic has changed over the years as a result of wife's requests.) And when asked of hinge what would happen if the wife hears the secondary partner's name or is reminded of their existence that she would leave and divorce him. And therefore, all traces of secondary partner's existence is remained hidden and secret by hinge and what hinge has to offer for a relationship is limited. The relationship only exists in ways that he can hide secondary partner from his wife and life with her and anyone connected with her.
Is this polyamory? Hierarchal? Ethical? Unethical? Polyfuckery? Sneakyarchy? Strict parallel? DADT? Affair?
Would you be able to be the seconary partner in this situation and if so, how would you make this work for you? If not, why not? Would you do anything to try to change this situation for you and if so, what? What rights do you feel you would have in this situation?
I'm asking because I don't even know anymore which way is up, what is ethical or not, or what this even is anymore. As the secondary partner, I have tried for 12 years- and walking away is fucking painful as hell. So much invested. And staying feels awful as well.
I'm open to any advice at this point.