Update on a post from two years ago: my one penis policy husband was actually abusive.
Here’s my original post from two years ago - https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/I9ofF238eQ
TW- Covert abuse
So many of you pointed out the red flags in my (26F) post two years ago and I wanted to prove you all right. Just to recap, I made a post (linked above) about my (soon to be ex) husband (M29) two years ago basically saying that he had slept with someone without protection and I felt like I’d been cheated on. Eventually I forgave him but never fully trusted him after that. I (wrongly) came to the conclusion that I hadn’t made my boundaries clear, when thinking back, we wrote an agreement when our non-monogamy started, explicitly outlining boundaries, and use of protection was included in that.
So fast forward to August 2025, we split up after a horrendous camping trip that ended in me walking 3 miles down country lanes, 1.5 hours away from home, to get away from him. I had rang my father crying who did the drive and came to rescue me. Knowing I hadn’t eaten yet as we were packing up after the camping trip, my dad took me to a cafe where I laid my entire marriage out on the table. I realised something was horrifically wrong when I was talking very blasé about my relationship, only to look up and see my giant manly man dad crying at how I was being treated. Six months later and I’ve been with domestic abuse support, and found out that the way that we were polyamorous had a lot to do with the covert abuse that I was a victim of. We had a one penis policy, veto power, and every other polyamorous red flag you can possibly think of. My relationships had to be for his sexual gratification when all I wanted was to be loved. The incident linked above ended in so much gaslighting and emotional manipulation that I genuinely thought him being irresponsible was my fault. I felt sorry for him. I comforted him.
There was so much more abuse at play but I wanted to give this update to clarify that, if you ask Reddit something and red flags get pointed out, please listen to them. If I had I might have been out of abuse far sooner.