On the psychology of meta problems vs. hinge problems
I know we're all sick of saying it or hearing it: it's not a meta problem, it's a hinge problem. I've told people this, and I've been told it. It made me draw on my psychology background to ask myself, why am I so preoccupied with my meta when I should be focusing on communicating with my hinge?
I think there are some obvious and not-so-obvious, but most importantly, human and understandable reasons we get hung up on metas. Just like we can't unlearn compulsory monogamy with a snap of the fingers, neither can we make ourself magically unlearn these patterns. However my hope is that by naming them it will (for me personally) give me anchors to interrupt and redirect my thought loops about metas when they come up.
1. It avoids us having to ask the hard questions about our hinge. This one is pretty obvious - "but my hinge is just so nice/accommodating/easily influenced/conflict avoidant!" We say these things like they are immutable facts and not also unattractive behaviors. The unconditional positive regard for the hinge (especially if NRE is in play) makes it very hard to accept that if meta behavior is impacting the relationship, that is because of poor boundaries of the hinge 99% of the time.
2. Metas are people who we do not usually have much or any influence over. In anything other than kitchen table or greater enmeshment, we can't necessarily work conflicts out with a meta with a heart to heart conversation. This means metas are ambiguous - we don't know what they are thinking, feeling, or doing; or if we do it might be informational leaks from hinge that are unhelpful (comparisons, complaints, etc.). Ambiguity aversion is a behavior associated with anxiety, so it follows that many will respond by grasping for points of control. This often includes believing we deserve to get our way because we have the moral high ground (assuming/projecting motives onto the meta because they are unknown to us).
3. Metas who have more structural power in the relationship can make it feel like the position as a newer partner is more tenuous. Of course a reasonable person doesn't expect to date someone for a month and be prioritized over a partner of 10 or more years, especially if there is nesting or kids involved. But on the other hand, longstanding or highly hierarchical relationship structures sometimes only leave a small corner open for the development of new relationships, and it can feel like an uphill battle carving out space. This positions the meta as an obstacle to escalation or closeness - "if meta didn't take up 75% of their available time I would be able to get more than 25%." This is again a fallacy, because the hinge could in theory always renegotiate time splits with meta, even if they've been together 50 years. But, longer or more strictly hierarchical relationships can have more entrenched patterns or expectations and being expected to "fit in around" that can lead to resentment of the overall structure, including what we perceive to be the meta's role.
4. Rarely will someone advertise up front that your meta is a nightmare, so by the time the hinging issues occur there can be sunk cost fallacy. Related to points 2 and 3, many folks will talk a good game early in dating about their existing relationships being healthy and "non-hierarchical" regardless of whether they actually are as you would define it. Most people are wise enough to shove their messiness under the carpet at first. I've found it can take a month or two or six for people to share that actually, meta has a serious alcohol problem and there is heavy. codependency; or, that ex they keep complaining about is actually still living with them; or, that stable primary partnership they're in is actually based on an incredible shaky foundation of people pleasing by the hinge. The sunk cost fallacy means that if we have caught feelings or put in emotional labor to try to make things work, we are prone to sticking it out too long in the hopes of getting back to the good old days of NRE before the hinge's behavior became such an issue.
Are there others you've encountered? How do you redirect yourself when you have misplaced focus on a meta?