AITA for asking my bf about escalating the relationship?
Me (f37) and my now ex bf (m50) started dating shortly after our marriages ended. At first it was a casual thing but after taking a trip together we fell har for each other. This relationship went on for 3 years. He also was dating my meta (f46). That has been going on for 2-3 years as well.
At first we mostly dated in a parallel style, but as time went by and eventually met. We became friends. Sometimes we would attend events altogether. We all also dated other people.
As time went on, I became more and more uncomfortable with the blurred lines of the relationship of me and my bf and the relationship I had with my meta. I was longing for more of a primary relationship and if I were to continue to go on trips or spend time and resources with my boyfriend, I wanted to feel more of a commitment and public acknowledgement of the relationship.
I had gotten vague hints of escalation- comments on how we should be together, that he felt closer to me than his other partner. Cute comments after a server would refer to me as his wife. He even mention at some point if I wanted to have a child that he would consider being the father.
When I asked about escalating things (I want a primary and I would love it to be you), he said he didn’t want to hurt his other partner. He’s never really clarified why he would say things that would lead me on if he didn’t mean to act on any of it. I live alone in a house to myself, am self employed and make a decent income, and have no kids of my own. I felt I was in a good position to find a life partner, and felt being so attached with my boyfriend would keep me from finding a primary.
We broke up for a variety of reasons… I decided to date and focus my energy elsewhere, and after he broke up with me he said he was gonna move out of state because he could not afford to live in the area and wanted his daughter to live closer to her mom. He said he would reconsider getting back together if I ended my new relationship, but I didn’t think it was fair of him to ask that of me without a serious commitment on the table.
Now my meta is mad at me for asking all of these questions. She said she felt I was asking him to de escalate things with her. I honestly can’t blame her for feeling that way, but I also felt that I had a right to ask this question. I didn’t want to wait forever to see where things would go, and was no longer happy being one of two girlfriends or being referred to as a friend. I wasn’t willing to compromise my needs just to keep the peace. AITA for asking if the things I am being lead to believe are actually gonna happen?