Dwindling Intimacy
So I (35F) married 17 years and polyamorus. Husband 38. New boyfriend 31 moved in last May.
At the beginning of my husband and I's relationship we had sex alot. Then it dwindled. He had ED issues even as a teen. I have a high libido and part of my love language is physical touch (tickling, cuddling, holding hands, and yes sex). Not having sex starts to mess with me mentally. I went the last 15.5 years being horny giving all my cues then started verbalizing, only to be met with my husband going to sleep. So I lay there wondering why he doesnt want to be with me. Everything else in our married life was really good. But that started to effect me. Yes I masturbate, but its not the same and it just makes me feel lonely and pathetic. Pretty much its a means to an end for me.
Some other things happened in between but we will fast forward.
Boyfriend moves in. We are having sex like crazy. Sometimes 3 times a night! Now I dont have to have it that much but I was not complaining. But now we may go a month without sex. Plus his other physical intimacy has dwindled too. Not playing or picking on me as much. Everything else is good. Great actually. He surprised me with a date day and we had the best day! The last time I brought how I was feeling he said, "I just dont want you to think I just want sex".....I mean I get that but we live together and have been together for a year and a half. Thats something I'd think at the beginning of a relationship not this far in.
Anyway now I pretty much feel like the only way we have sex is if I verbalize I want it. There's no playing or foreplay. He doesnt initiate with out me speaking it so I just feel like a kid asking to be bought a toy or that sex with me is no longer a priority.
Now my husband rarely ever has been told no. However, there were times I wanted to say no (just wasnt on that mood, tired, sick whatever) but wpuld still have sex because I know what its like to feel rejected. Once boyfriend moved I started saying no. I chose myself for once. Well husband wanted it more when I wasnt in the mood so that caused some issues that we are still working through but things are getting better.
Boyfriend makes me feel like he doesnt want me to have sex with my husband but he doesnt want to have sex with me either.
Its starting to impact me mentally. Any advice would be great.