r/adultsurvivors

I’ve been mulling over this for a while now and it’s been making me feel extremely anxious (hence the almost 4 am post).

Also, to preface this, I experienced CSA from a relative around age 3. I don’t remember details and I’ve never spoken to any family members about it. I’d have flashbacks growing up of the room it happened in and the smell and sight of the person who did it. That and some very early and odd sexual behaviors helped me realize what happened and I’ve gone to therapy for it. That helped a lot and I feel like I healed some of the mental health issues that arose from that experience. I think It’s affected my sex life, though (Vaginismus) and I’ve been working on that. It’s been much better lately and I’ve been able to have sex with my bf with little pain.

But then I (26F) woke this weekend next to my partner (28M) masturbating in bed next to me. I think he’d tried to cuddle but I was still sleepy and turned over. I was half asleep but noticed something moving in the corner of my eye whenever I’d turn. If I moved he’d stop and pretend to be asleep. That went on for a bit and then felt the bed vibrate and he took a big breath. At that point I was almost positive he’d been masturbating. I felt a little off about it and didn’t know why.

Later on that morning, we did have sex (mostly bc I was worried that he wouldn’t want me or react to me after doing that earlier but that wasn’t the case so I felt a bit better about it). And afterwards I brought it up. I made sure to let him know that I wasn’t mad about it but wanted to know if that’s what he’d been doing. He vehemently denied it at first but I assured him it was okay and gave him a few minutes while we cuddled in silence. He then let me know that he actually had been masturbating and had just gotten extremely embarrassed when I brought it up. He said he gets excitable in the mornings and sometimes he just does it to relax. I don’t really have a problem with him doing that mentally. But I’ve been having a negative physical reaction to it. Idk why but the thought of that situation gives me a lot of anxiety. I didn’t know why it bothered me so much until I realized it might be connected to the CSA I experienced?

I don’t want to be bothered by my bfs behavior. I think it’s normal to do so, and I’ll admit I did do it once around him in the middle of the night when I couldn’t sleep. But for some reason this is making me super anxious and I don’t know what to do since my bf and I already talked about it and sorted things out. At one point I thought I felt like my trust had been broken but I don’t think it’s that. I understand that it was embarrassing to be confronted about it and he did tell me the truth a few minutes later. I shared that I value honesty and am glad he told me.

That was almost 48 hours ago and yet I find myself still feeling anxious when I think about it.

I’m not sure what I’m hoping for with this post. Maybe some thoughts about the situation and why I’m feeling anxious? Advice on how to proceed? Any stories of partners doing this around you and how it made you feel? Idk I’m open to anything. I just don’t want to feel so anxious anymore. I have therapy on Thursday and will be bringing this up, but I just had to get this off of my chest bc I literally feel too anxious to even sleep right now.

PS. my partner and I don’t live together currently and are moving in together in July. I’m assuming we’ll have more opportunities to be open and honest together, but I’m worried that if this makes me so anxious, it might cause issues in our relationship? I’ve already had a few moments the past few days where I got so anxious I thought about breaking up bc it’d be easier to not have to deal with this. But I love my bf. He’s kind, caring, accepting, supportive, smart, loving, and has been so patient with me as I’ve worked through my Vaginismus and other issues.

Also, he knows about my CSA. I told him about a year ago and we’ve been together for almost 2 years now.

when life is really hard, i fantasize about dying and waking up again as a child. being with my papa again, before i understood how wrong the things he did were. it wouldn't matter, because i would never grow up. i want to feel his hands on mine again, cuddle in his lap, and feel so wholly loved and special. i want to be dumb and unaware again. i miss him a lot, but it's really painful to grapple with those "good" memories now. i think he's dead now. i cant really admit that out loud without crying, even for such an evil person who > ! even molested babies. ! <

i had such a scary dream last night.

The head me hates the body me. The "head" me is comfortable, logical, and smart. The body "me" is disgusting, impulsive, and weak. I hate how my body reacts. I tell myself "no" but it wants refuses to stop giving me signals that it wants "affection". No I dont want affection I want isolation. When I go to think about what happened the body "me" reacts in ways I dont like, in ways I dont consent. If I could divorce the head "me" from the body "me" I would.

I remember the day he the "abuser" left me, the body "me" thought "after everything we've been through, can we give dating a chance, ill give you my body, please stay" but the head "me" protected me by staying silent, and letting him go.

I feel disconnected from my body, constantly talking to as if it is a different person, I wish it was. It feels foreign, I feel like an "other" and I see other people as full beings. I see myself as only half a human - The head "me".

I’m 24 now and the man who molested me and my sister constantly throughout our childhood has died. I thought I would feel better but I feel worse because I never told anybody but my sister. I didn’t even say anything or react when he was doing stuff to me I just would lay there and look at him. it was at my grandma’s house everyday and I know if I would’ve said something she would’ve helped me so I don’t know why I didn’t.

Now I am paying the price because it’s on my mind everyday and I can’t get it out. I was so disgusting. He was my big cousin and he touched my sister too, then she started touching me and kissing me whenever we were alone but I don’t blame her because he did stuff to her too and I love my sister so much. I’m just tired of feeling so nasty and sad. I’m 24 now and I’ve never had sex or anything because it feels like people only want to touch me when they’re not supposed to. I just don’t know how to cope anymore and I wish I could go back to before when I didn’t react to this stuff as a kid.

how could i forget something so extreme and horrifying? i don’t understand. how could i go basically my whole life without realizing this happened to me? how could i have been so hypersexual and disgusting growing up and not remember being raped like that until last year? why do i have to deal with the torment that comes with being in the dark every night and seeing those things and feeling his weight on my chest? why do i have to think of this every second of every day? why does this happen to people, to innocent people? i want to die. how could this have happened and how is it even real? i can’t accept it. i can’t accept that it’s real.

Hi all. As the title suggests, in my recent work with a somatic therapist I’ve started putting together a lot of dots and remembering a lot of things from my past. I’ve recollected that I experienced COCSA. Additionally, I’ve began to worry much that there was a prior event that left me predisposed to COCSA, as I didn’t have a phone, the internet, cable, or anything that might otherwise expose me to suggestive and inappropriate adult content at such a young age. Anyways, this has been really hard. I’ve had a chronic pit in my stomache for so many weeks now I’ve lost track. I’m getting really depressed. And spacing out all the time. I obviously don’t have anyone to talk to besides my therapist, because this is such a taboo topic that I wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing this with anyone around me, nor would they know what to say. I’m really depressed. I havnt been this depressed in a long time. I feel so alone and like I’m drowning in this huge horrible feeling and I can’t tell anyone because of how intense it is. Does anything outside of therapy help you guys soothe and support yourselves? Are there any support groups out there for survivors of child assault? I’m really struggling. I feel so alone. And this is really scary. I worry the more i remember the harder it’s gonna be.

All I got was “the past is the past, what can we do but overcome my cousin abused me and her own sister when we were about 7-10ywrs ild:

It makes sense, but it destroys me that my own mom cant offer more support. She was abused by her father as a kid, and I know. Life just seems hopeless for everyone.

I've been seeing a lot of stuff lately about how "csa ruins lives" and how csa victims often repress the actual events. This has kind of confused me, because in my experience, I've mostly thought of my sexual abuse as something kind of unpleasant, like going to the dentist. And I don't even hate the person who did it. So i've been feeling a little conflicted lately about identifying as a csa survivor, because while according to the law it is, I feel like I should be a little worse affected. For reference, I was groomed/molested by a teacher for a few years in high school (14-17). However, I was fully clothed for all the actual touching, and I was only alone with him once a week so I knew when it would happen. Also I would pretty much start disassociating whenever any actual touching would happen. I didn't even realize it was actually inappropriate until a few years later. I've had some issues with drinking, relationships, shame, and general heightened fear (also never told anyone because aside from embarrassment I felt guilty about the idea of getting someone in trouble), but overall, possibly because I was older, I feel like I almost got off...easy? Do any older survivors (or in general) feel like this?

(trafficking, csam tw)

Hey folks. I was here a week or two ago and was talking about how isolating it is to have been trafficked to only one person, my uncle/aunt's ex husband, by my father.

I recently started CPT (cognitive processing therapy) with a social worker, and more information and trauma material is coming back that was lost to dissociative amnesia... I am having a really hard time, to be honest. I think I need to ask my social worker to slow down, because it's stirring up my system worse than we have been in a long time.

Last night, I was trying to wrap my head around the betrayal of being raped by and then trafficked to/by my uncle as a direct result of trying to tell him what my father was doing, and something clicked into place. I was my father's only victim, but not my uncle's.

His film industry connections...the movie room in the basement, walls covered with shelves and shelves of DVDs, with the couch, computer, and the webcam... I already had memories of that room, of him filming the abuse, but not the webcam. Not the livestream. Not watching myself back on the monitor.

With the dominos falling into place... I think I was wrong about my father and my uncle being a two-person team. I think I might have been a victim in an isolated branch of a CSAM/trafficking ring. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with myself now, I feel absolutely devastated and horrified. I really, really didn't think what I remembered could get any worse, but I was wrong again.

Please, just tell me I'm not alone. Tell me how to comprehend what was done to me. I feel so lost.

I know this is long, but I'd really appreciate ANY advice. Even if you don't read the whole thing.

I'm 19yo with two narcissistic, abusive parents. Initially, my older sister was the golden child, my younger brother was the scapegoat, and I was emotionally neglected. Around the start of COVID (12yo), I began having severe depressive episodes and became the scapegoat. I'm not giving details because I'm tired of trying to prove that the abuse was real. It's hard to make sense of everything with the memory loss, manipulation, and gaslighting. Until last year, I felt dramatic even using words like "abuse" and "trauma". When I started applying to colleges, they felt their control slipping and completely lost their shit trying to sabotage me. I ended up at community college (free in my state), mostly because they didn't offer any financial help like they did for my sister. I figured two more years here would be better than accumulating tons of debt and having to move back home after graduating.

However, last January, I started reliving my CSA trauma in my dreams. My mental health plummeted (Mainly ADHD, PMDD, PTSD, and BPD), and I dropped all my S2 classes. I tried to tell my mom twice, but she doesn't want to "accuse" anyone bc I didn't have specific memories of who it was. I didn't believe myself either. I do think she genuinely cares for me (unlike my dad), but can't let go of her narcissistic tendencies. She's been with my dad since 15yo and has been abused/controlled by him as well. I spent a long time trying to get her to see that, and see it within herself. When she finally asked for a divorce last month, I convinced myself that she would start trying to be a good mom. Again. Spoiler alert: she didn't.

Since then, it's been a living nightmare. Both parents have finally left me alone, but there's so much tension. My dad refuses to move out, and my brother idolizes him. My mom can't afford to move due to the financial abuse and still acts like his servant. Worst of all, the CSA memories won't stop flooding in. I am now 100% sure it was my dad. It makes sense why I became the scapegoat when I did. I checked my childhood medical records (nothing before 2018/12yo) and saw so many infections, UTIs, back pain, failure to thrive, and obviously mental issues. Everything is adding up. He knows that I know. I'm almost positive my mom knew the whole time, too, but won't admit it to herself. I can't be near either of them. I can't sleep through the night. I can't walk two steps in this house without getting triggered. I can't find a therapist who can handle my complicatedness. I can't hold down a job because I'm so unstable. They made sure I never had a support system. I lost touch with all of my friends after high school. I have under 10k saved and don't know where to go. I feel stuck.

Idk where to go from here. My dream is to find an apartment with a roommate somewhere in CA, save up for a while, then take advantage of their free community college. My mom offered complete financial support during this transition. Ik accepting it seems stupid, but I know how to be assertive with my boundaries now. Plus, she HAS changed, just not enough for me to want a relationship with her. It just feels insanely unrealistic to move across the country on my own. Though ik they want me to believe I'm incapable of living without their support. I'm okay with taking my time to get there, but I need to get out of this house like immediately. She offered to help me find a studio apartment in the area. Ik shes full of shit. She never follows through with these offers. Should I start looking myself? My mom's parents also offered to let me stay with them. They don't know much about the situation, besides the divorce and a watered-down version of the shitty parenting. I think they'll support me regardless, but I wouldn't know what to say to them. My mom offered to stay there with me, and I told her idc what she does. I'm worried that I'll burden them or be worse off there.

Part of me still feels dramatic for all of this. It's not like I'm actively in danger. There was this one night 3 weeks ago when I forgot to lock my door though... I took Benadryl before falling asleep and woke up in pain and had GI symptoms all day (rare bc I eat super healthy), and I swear the blanket I left on the ground was in a different place the next morning. I told my mom, and she thinks that if something had happened, I would've woken up. She's probably right. Either way, I'm sick of the paranoia. Ik my dad stole my old tablet, iPod touch, and old phone. I don't remember what was on there. They both told me these things were "lost" but now I'm convinced he's been burying evidence. They've done crazy shit before, like put tracking devices in my car and hacked into my laptop. I'm scared he'll do something similar now. Should I request my full medical history? How would I do this? I wouldn't even want to pursue legal action if he didn't work in a high school. I feel responsible. And sick to my stomach. I don't have money for a lawyer or anyone to help me. What do I do???

In my childhood and young adulthood, I had no control over who had access to my body. Then I met my now-husband and I thought I was saved from that. I’ve always felt so safe with him and once we started dating, I enjoyed my first multi-year period of safety. I think I thought that my relationship with him was protection somehow.

Then last year it happened again. And now for the past two-ish months I’ve found myself in a situation where I keep returning to someone who is being inappropriate with me. It’s difficult to explain, but suffice it to say I didn’t fully realize that what he does was wrong until it had happened 3 times. I did know I was uncomfortable but I kept returning because…idk, trauma reenactment or something. It makes sense when my therapist explains it. But now I sit there every couple of weeks with this man touching my breasts, wishing I were dead, counting tiles on the floor just like I counted links in a fence last year or slats in a shed roof as a little girl.

I want to crawl out of my skin. I wish I didn’t have a body. It’s never respected, it’s never given privacy, it’s been used against me over and over again. Clearly I’m doing a bad job managing it. I just wish I didn’t have a body.

Long story short, I've been a victim of csa many times but when I was 8 years old, my then landlord stalked me until he violated me. I had no understanding of what was happening, and only in my early teens did it click in my head what happened. I only know this man's first name, that he was also a math teacher at my elementary school and the vaguest idea of what he looked like. This has haunted me ever since, and I feel like my word isn't good enough evidence. So even if he could be identified, I'd look like a liar or something. Not to mention I'd be terrified to ever face him again. It makes me wanna cry thinking about how many others have just gotten away with things like this and live free lives.

This is going to be an in depth, detailed retelling of all the things that make me suspect I was SAd as a child, without having an actual clear memory of it being done. this'll probably be a little unorganized.

-age 2-4, My privates often burned for seemingly no reason.

-age 4, I started becoming increasingly curious about mine, and other children's (at my preschool) private parts. always wanting to play inappropriate games/ wanting to see. (this can be normal in children, but in the context, I question it)

-age 6, I begun to often draw very strange and detailed pornography in my diaries. I'd also started to masturbate with dolls.

age 8, drew a rape fantasy I had about myself.

-age 8-11, I had come onto my older brother (by 3 years) and we would occasionally engage in groping eachother. We both knew it was wrong, yet we'd still do it. I'd often initiate. I genuinely have no idea how it started happening though.

age 8-12, refusing to sleep in my room for no reason. insisting on the couch or the hallway.

-age 10, got my privates looked at by a doctor for a UTI, and I broke down in tears directly afterward, feeling incredibly violated. Then I had rage filled, violent thoughts toward her for a few days following.

-age 11-15, porn/masturbation addiction

-age 12-16, I started actively seeking out grown men to groom me because of the attention and pleasure it gave me. the addiction became so bad I emotionally relied on it, and it took a very bad toll on my mental health

[other random things I experienced throughout my life]

-unwanted arousal/warmth in my privates when I was around my father/other older men. To the point I felt sick.

-nightmares about family members (especially father) groping me

-subjecting others to my hypersexuality (constantly wanting to talk about)

-repulsion toward my father when i started to get older/always having an off feeling about him

[vague things, might still be worth mentioning]

-separation anxiety from mom

-depression, anxiety, ED

-age regression

I'm about 75% sure my suspensions are correct, but having no real memory of it makes me doubt everything. My main theory is that my father may have touched me while I was asleep. And he would've had full access to it since his office (for whatever reason) was also my bedroom. He'd stay up into all hours of the night typing.

I never have great luck with people seeing my reddit posts, but I'd like to hear whatever anyone has to say nonetheless.

I found out that my abuser recently died.

I spent so much of my young adult life waiting or hoping for it. I gave too much time trying to blame everything I could on them and came to terms with accepting responsibility for myself and my actions.

Now, after all of that pain and growth, I feel nothing. I'm not relieved. I don't feel bad for their relatively short life. I am close with their son and I feel sympathy for the loss of a parent. I dont know what I expected.

I don't think there is much to dwell on, but it is a weird experience. No weight lifted no tears. I guess I just wanted to feel something and I just have void and the shimmering feeling of melancholy.

I guess its just lonely. I dont feel entitled to complain about a nothing feeling and I don't have a desire to celebrate.

Hi,

Long story but I want to hear from people who reported their abuser in the US, especially those who were victims of COCSA.

I (now 24F) was molested by an older cousin when I was around 5/6 (maybe even younger as I don’t remember when the abuse started). He molested me multiple times ( I don’t want to get too graphic but there was no penetration he performed oral sex on me and rubbed his area on mine). I told my mom when I was around 11/12 (maybe even a bit younger) and finally understood more of what happened to me and that it was wrong. I vividly remember telling my mom and she started yelling at me saying no no how could this happen why didn’t you tell me. Her reaction really scared me. Also for reference, I was verbally and physically abused by my older brother growing up who would constantly slut shame me. So I felt even more ashamed. I remember a few more instances talking to my mom about it a little but for the most part we never spoke of it and I lied and said it only happened once and to not tell anyone.

Then, when I was 19 my mom was drunk on the phone with me and she has experience CSA and said how I would never understand and kept repeating it. I finally lost it and was like what do you mean mom don’t you remember I told you what happened to me. She broke down crying and was like oh my god yes I do remember I’m so sorry. I was upset it was the first time I talked with her about it in years. I spent my life growing up always around that cousin but distant, quiet, the weird cousin that didn’t talk much. I clinged to my mom but then my parents got divorced and this happened on my dad’s side so I tried to stay close to my sister but was always called weird and told to go away. Anyways, I started healing slowly told my sisters. My oldest sister (I have 2 sisters) questioned me about it I felt not believed and sad by her. Come to find out when I’m 22/23 it was because my oldest sister experienced something similar with my abuser. But my sister and the abuser are the same age and she said they played house and doesn’t remember how it started and had a lot of shame and guilt around it. Maybe it was just me being silly and young but I always felt like he was the one who started things and finally I felt not crazy like surely this happened because it wasn’t just me. Anyways, still struggled a ton and was depressed and angry at my parents for so long never had told my older brother because I didn’t want him to go to jail for trying to beat my cousin up.

Fast forward to now, I sent a group text to all my cousins on my dads side exposing my abuser because a couple weeks ago I told my brother( another long story) what happened but didn’t tell him who the abuser was. My brother was pissed calling around, called a different male cousin of mine saying hey this happened to my sister but I don’t know who it was. My cousin goes I know who it was, it was _____ , because he did it to me too. Similar situation no penetration as far as I know but messed up. Another cousin of mine came forward to my brother saying she was offered money by the abuser in exchange for touching her, thankfully she got scared and ran away. So now we have multiple people saying something about the same person. So I sent the group text out also saying I wasn’t alone in this but it’s not my story to tell. I said I would file a police report and the next day I did. It’s been 19 years since this happened to me, is there any possibility anything could come of the police report? I was mainly looking for the cycle to stop and for peace and healing for myself as well as to make sure (as best I can in my ability) that he doesn’t do this to his own children or others. But has anyone had success in getting their abuser in jail for something similar? What was the process like? How long did it take?

Hello everyone who can read this post. I am now a young adult with a pretty simple life. I’m 18; in two months I will pass my final exams at school, and I’ll leave this city—or maybe the country. I don’t know.

I’m writing this because I need to tell someone. I have a problem in my head, a problem with my mind, and I don’t know how to solve it.

Something happened to me when I was younger. I live in a small countryside town in Russia. We have only one school, and I have studied here for five years. It happened when I was 13. I had just moved to this town with my family, and I was a new student at school. We have nice teachers, and now I have friends (and I’m happy sometimes). But it was very hard for me to connect with people my age in my class. I didn’t have friends when I was a new, scared pre-teen with a funny haircut and a somewhat childish face.

I felt very lonely at the new school, so I tried to make friends everywhere. But no one wanted to talk to me, just because I was new and had moved from a big city.

Then someone noticed me—someone named Alikhan (I changed the name but kept the national identity). He was a geography teacher.

You know what? At first, I wanted to be his friend. He seemed cool and mature, like he knew everything. He started talking to me. Everyone else in class had tasks, and I was the only one talking with him—about football, girls, school and students, the world, and his past life in another city. He told me how he used to graze sheep. It felt amazing to have my first “friend,” someone cool who made me feel special, because I was the only student who could talk to him about things other than geography.

Then we built another connection. He gave me his Telegram and added me on VK. “Only to ask about your homework,” he said—but it wasn’t true. We never talked about homework in messages. He told me everything about himself—how he felt abandoned because of his nationality. I felt a strong connection, because I’m not Russian in a Russian place either. We bonded because there was a lot of racism in Russia in the 2020s.

After a few months, he invited me to a local football match in a city a bit bigger than ours. The last bus was at 9:40 p.m., which is still the schedule for intercity buses. We missed the bus, and he invited me to stay at his place. I agreed.

And now I’m broken. I’m crying while writing this, because I feel ashamed and wrong. I blame myself for such passion and passive agreement.

At his place, he brought a knife and put it to my face while I was sitting on the couch. He said, “Open your mouth.” I was so fucking scared. He said he would kill my little brother, my entire family, and me if I won’t open my mouth. So I did.

I shut my mouth for five years. No one knew—not a single person. I only started talking about it after five years of silence.

He told me he was drunk and that it “didn’t count.” He said he loved me and wanted to be with me because I was his crush. I know how stupid this sounds, but we even started “dating.” He said that’s how adults act after sex. I told him I was done and didn’t want to feel that again, and he agreed for a few weeks. Then it happened again—worse and more brutal than the first time.

I was trapped in that nightmare for two years. We “broke up” in 8th grade, in winter—I think January or March. I remember the snow when I tried to tell my principal. She said he was a grown, hot-blooded man and would never be interested in “an ugly boy.” After that, I went back into silence.

I’m sorry for telling this story. I just needed to tell someone without hearing reactions like, “Oh my God, you had the kind of relationship everyone dreams about.” One of my friends even said, “You should be the top in this relationship; the geography teacher looks like a bottom.”

I feel like something is wrong with me. Everyone saw what was happening to me. Everyone knew, and now my geography teacher is still alive, walking freely, feeling fine—and I’m not. He created a monster, and I feel like I did too. I used my story to write fanfiction, using real experiences to create a story. I have readers who are waiting for updates and see it as a love story. I feel so ashamed. I didn’t try to romanticize it—I made it disturbing—but some people still love it and even the character based on my abuser.

Thank you if you read this. Good luck to everyone who has survived something like this. And I’m sorry for any remaining mistakes—English is not my first language

I (M24) don’t even know how to begin addressing everything my father has done to me, so I just continue on talking to him like everything is fine and we have a relatively normal (yet distant) relationship.

This same man who was so, so rough and so uncaring and put me in so much physical pain for ‘medical reasons’ - this same man telling me he hopes I have a wonderful day and that he knows I’ll succeed in my day therapy program.

My mind cant handle the dichotomy that he could both love me and be so sadistic and sick to me when I was younger.

My therapist says it’s rape even if he didn’t penetrate me. How could I talk to him like it’s normal and I love him and want him to see my art. How could I be attracted to him right back.

I feel ruined. Totally isolated because of realizing this. I feel I’m not traumatized enough to call myself a survivor. But I can’t tell anyone what happened or it’ll be too much for them to handle, or they won’t believe me. I am stuck with myself. And I can’t go a day without thinking of everything he did.

I (30/f ) keep realizing more and more that I didn’t grow up in anything close to “normal”

I just thought I did

Like… emotional neglect was just how families were

like your feelings getting dismissed, your health being minimized, being told things were in your head even when there were real diagnoses behind it all. I had ADHD, thyroid issues, later found out other health stuff too and none of it was really explained or supported properly. It was more like “push through it” or “you’re fine” even when I wasn’t

I was responsible for other peoples emotions way too early. like if I upset someone it felt like I was doing something dangerous

There wasn’t really safety with boundaries either. Or privacy. Or being allowed to just be a kid without feeling watched or judged or corrected.

I was isolated a lot too. Like I learned how to exist alone more than I learned how to exist with people

I think the part that’s messing with me now is realizing how much of that shaped everything after

because later in life I ended up in a lot of unsafe situations and relationships and I kept thinking it was just bad luck or my fault or me being “too much” or not smart enough to avoid it

But now I’m starting to see it was a pattern. Like my sense of normal was built inside survival mode and I didn’t even know it

It feels weird grieving something you didn’t know you were supposed to have.

I guess I’m just wondering if anyone else here had that moment where you realized way later that your “normal” wasn’t actually normal at all and you’re just trying to rebuild yourself from it now

Hi everyone. I’ve been struggling the past week with flashbacks of my assault when I was 3-4. I don’t have insurance right now to be able to consult with a physician. I guess I’m just scared, because these are obviously repressed memories. They’re extremely disturbing, so I’ve been zoning out frequently (dissociation is normal when I’m extremely anxious).

My mother didn’t protect me. She hid what happened to me from my father, and nobody ever checked in on me to see if anything happened to me. Flashbacks that I’ve already had for years now have extra snippets and details that I wish I didn’t remember. How do you all deal with the flashbacks and repressed memories resurfacing? It’s disrupting my normal daily life right now

I'm 24 and this year I had a moment where a memory of something inappropriate happened with a family member. I have had conflicted feelings about this family member for my entire life. On one hand, I was always told I had to love this person because they're family, but on the other hand, it felt like I would have red flags, alarm bells, and sirens when I was around this person. Like, something was obviously off with this person.

And aside from this memory resurfacing, this family member was terrible to me. He was probably my first ever childhood bully. He would make comments about my weight, my eating habits, activity level, acne, appearance, my clothes, the size of my clothes, comparing me to other girls my age, questioning my intelligence. My self-esteem never stood a chance with that man in my life. He wasn't secretive about these comments either. None of my family said anything to him when he would make rude comments or if he said something inappropriate to me/about me. Everyone just turned a blind eye. All of his more covert physical acts were also ignored because to everyone else, it all looked innocent.

After my parents split, my mom, sibling and I spent a lot more time at this family member's house. We didn't live with them, but we did spend half the weekend at their house. And I cannot describe the bone chilling fear I would have if everyone except me and this family member left the house. I would do everything to make sure I was not left alone with this person. If his wife wanted my mom or me to bring them coffee when they were outside, alone, we would both practically argue over who had to do it. She didn't want to be left alone with him either.

Being alone with that man made me feel like a target. I felt like prey. In those moments where I couldn't avoid being alone with him, nothing else mattered. I had to know where he was, what he was doing, and have a route to escape if needed. I never needed to because nothing ever happened. Not then, at least.

I just feel so stupid because I have this vague and fuzzy memory of something bad happening, and that's it. And it would explain so much. Like, why I was the way I was as a kid. Health issues I had that I was blamed for. The weird interests and obsessions I had. I just don't know what to do or where to go from here. And he's dead. So, I can't bring this up with anyone with my family without talking badly about a "departed loved one" of theirs. I think they would actually shun me if I ever talked about it with them.