All the things I experience/experienced that make me believe I was SAd as a child, with no real memory of such happening.
This is going to be an in depth, detailed retelling of all the things that make me suspect I was SAd as a child, without having an actual clear memory of it being done. this'll probably be a little unorganized.
-age 2-4, My privates often burned for seemingly no reason.
-age 4, I started becoming increasingly curious about mine, and other children's (at my preschool) private parts. always wanting to play inappropriate games/ wanting to see. (this can be normal in children, but in the context, I question it)
-age 6, I begun to often draw very strange and detailed pornography in my diaries. I'd also started to masturbate with dolls.
age 8, drew a rape fantasy I had about myself.
-age 8-11, I had come onto my older brother (by 3 years) and we would occasionally engage in groping eachother. We both knew it was wrong, yet we'd still do it. I'd often initiate. I genuinely have no idea how it started happening though.
age 8-12, refusing to sleep in my room for no reason. insisting on the couch or the hallway.
-age 10, got my privates looked at by a doctor for a UTI, and I broke down in tears directly afterward, feeling incredibly violated. Then I had rage filled, violent thoughts toward her for a few days following.
-age 11-15, porn/masturbation addiction
-age 12-16, I started actively seeking out grown men to groom me because of the attention and pleasure it gave me. the addiction became so bad I emotionally relied on it, and it took a very bad toll on my mental health
[other random things I experienced throughout my life]
-unwanted arousal/warmth in my privates when I was around my father/other older men. To the point I felt sick.
-nightmares about family members (especially father) groping me
-subjecting others to my hypersexuality (constantly wanting to talk about)
-repulsion toward my father when i started to get older/always having an off feeling about him
[vague things, might still be worth mentioning]
-separation anxiety from mom
-depression, anxiety, ED
-age regression
I'm about 75% sure my suspensions are correct, but having no real memory of it makes me doubt everything. My main theory is that my father may have touched me while I was asleep. And he would've had full access to it since his office (for whatever reason) was also my bedroom. He'd stay up into all hours of the night typing.
I never have great luck with people seeing my reddit posts, but I'd like to hear whatever anyone has to say nonetheless.