u/straycatwrangler

I'm 24 and this year I had a moment where a memory of something inappropriate happened with a family member. I have had conflicted feelings about this family member for my entire life. On one hand, I was always told I had to love this person because they're family, but on the other hand, it felt like I would have red flags, alarm bells, and sirens when I was around this person. Like, something was obviously off with this person.

And aside from this memory resurfacing, this family member was terrible to me. He was probably my first ever childhood bully. He would make comments about my weight, my eating habits, activity level, acne, appearance, my clothes, the size of my clothes, comparing me to other girls my age, questioning my intelligence. My self-esteem never stood a chance with that man in my life. He wasn't secretive about these comments either. None of my family said anything to him when he would make rude comments or if he said something inappropriate to me/about me. Everyone just turned a blind eye. All of his more covert physical acts were also ignored because to everyone else, it all looked innocent.

After my parents split, my mom, sibling and I spent a lot more time at this family member's house. We didn't live with them, but we did spend half the weekend at their house. And I cannot describe the bone chilling fear I would have if everyone except me and this family member left the house. I would do everything to make sure I was not left alone with this person. If his wife wanted my mom or me to bring them coffee when they were outside, alone, we would both practically argue over who had to do it. She didn't want to be left alone with him either.

Being alone with that man made me feel like a target. I felt like prey. In those moments where I couldn't avoid being alone with him, nothing else mattered. I had to know where he was, what he was doing, and have a route to escape if needed. I never needed to because nothing ever happened. Not then, at least.

I just feel so stupid because I have this vague and fuzzy memory of something bad happening, and that's it. And it would explain so much. Like, why I was the way I was as a kid. Health issues I had that I was blamed for. The weird interests and obsessions I had. I just don't know what to do or where to go from here. And he's dead. So, I can't bring this up with anyone with my family without talking badly about a "departed loved one" of theirs. I think they would actually shun me if I ever talked about it with them.