Still living with my abusers. Need advice please!!
I know this is long, but I'd really appreciate ANY advice. Even if you don't read the whole thing.
I'm 19yo with two narcissistic, abusive parents. Initially, my older sister was the golden child, my younger brother was the scapegoat, and I was emotionally neglected. Around the start of COVID (12yo), I began having severe depressive episodes and became the scapegoat. I'm not giving details because I'm tired of trying to prove that the abuse was real. It's hard to make sense of everything with the memory loss, manipulation, and gaslighting. Until last year, I felt dramatic even using words like "abuse" and "trauma". When I started applying to colleges, they felt their control slipping and completely lost their shit trying to sabotage me. I ended up at community college (free in my state), mostly because they didn't offer any financial help like they did for my sister. I figured two more years here would be better than accumulating tons of debt and having to move back home after graduating.
However, last January, I started reliving my CSA trauma in my dreams. My mental health plummeted (Mainly ADHD, PMDD, PTSD, and BPD), and I dropped all my S2 classes. I tried to tell my mom twice, but she doesn't want to "accuse" anyone bc I didn't have specific memories of who it was. I didn't believe myself either. I do think she genuinely cares for me (unlike my dad), but can't let go of her narcissistic tendencies. She's been with my dad since 15yo and has been abused/controlled by him as well. I spent a long time trying to get her to see that, and see it within herself. When she finally asked for a divorce last month, I convinced myself that she would start trying to be a good mom. Again. Spoiler alert: she didn't.
Since then, it's been a living nightmare. Both parents have finally left me alone, but there's so much tension. My dad refuses to move out, and my brother idolizes him. My mom can't afford to move due to the financial abuse and still acts like his servant. Worst of all, the CSA memories won't stop flooding in. I am now 100% sure it was my dad. It makes sense why I became the scapegoat when I did. I checked my childhood medical records (nothing before 2018/12yo) and saw so many infections, UTIs, back pain, failure to thrive, and obviously mental issues. Everything is adding up. He knows that I know. I'm almost positive my mom knew the whole time, too, but won't admit it to herself. I can't be near either of them. I can't sleep through the night. I can't walk two steps in this house without getting triggered. I can't find a therapist who can handle my complicatedness. I can't hold down a job because I'm so unstable. They made sure I never had a support system. I lost touch with all of my friends after high school. I have under 10k saved and don't know where to go. I feel stuck.
Idk where to go from here. My dream is to find an apartment with a roommate somewhere in CA, save up for a while, then take advantage of their free community college. My mom offered complete financial support during this transition. Ik accepting it seems stupid, but I know how to be assertive with my boundaries now. Plus, she HAS changed, just not enough for me to want a relationship with her. It just feels insanely unrealistic to move across the country on my own. Though ik they want me to believe I'm incapable of living without their support. I'm okay with taking my time to get there, but I need to get out of this house like immediately. She offered to help me find a studio apartment in the area. Ik shes full of shit. She never follows through with these offers. Should I start looking myself? My mom's parents also offered to let me stay with them. They don't know much about the situation, besides the divorce and a watered-down version of the shitty parenting. I think they'll support me regardless, but I wouldn't know what to say to them. My mom offered to stay there with me, and I told her idc what she does. I'm worried that I'll burden them or be worse off there.
Part of me still feels dramatic for all of this. It's not like I'm actively in danger. There was this one night 3 weeks ago when I forgot to lock my door though... I took Benadryl before falling asleep and woke up in pain and had GI symptoms all day (rare bc I eat super healthy), and I swear the blanket I left on the ground was in a different place the next morning. I told my mom, and she thinks that if something had happened, I would've woken up. She's probably right. Either way, I'm sick of the paranoia. Ik my dad stole my old tablet, iPod touch, and old phone. I don't remember what was on there. They both told me these things were "lost" but now I'm convinced he's been burying evidence. They've done crazy shit before, like put tracking devices in my car and hacked into my laptop. I'm scared he'll do something similar now. Should I request my full medical history? How would I do this? I wouldn't even want to pursue legal action if he didn't work in a high school. I feel responsible. And sick to my stomach. I don't have money for a lawyer or anyone to help me. What do I do???