u/False_Temperature_95

I (M24) don’t even know how to begin addressing everything my father has done to me, so I just continue on talking to him like everything is fine and we have a relatively normal (yet distant) relationship.

This same man who was so, so rough and so uncaring and put me in so much physical pain for ‘medical reasons’ - this same man telling me he hopes I have a wonderful day and that he knows I’ll succeed in my day therapy program.

My mind cant handle the dichotomy that he could both love me and be so sadistic and sick to me when I was younger.

My therapist says it’s rape even if he didn’t penetrate me. How could I talk to him like it’s normal and I love him and want him to see my art. How could I be attracted to him right back.

I feel ruined. Totally isolated because of realizing this. I feel I’m not traumatized enough to call myself a survivor. But I can’t tell anyone what happened or it’ll be too much for them to handle, or they won’t believe me. I am stuck with myself. And I can’t go a day without thinking of everything he did.

I am struggling heavily with loneliness even in daily group therapy. It feels like I am not able to share almost anything I’ve gone through without being too triggering to other members. I have to sugarcoat everything and it makes me sick to my stomach.

I am new to this program so maybe it’s just a matter of time before I become comfortable, and am able to share more with these people. I hope so.

But I can’t help myself from wondering: what if I don’t? What if I can never open myself up to the worst of the trauma to share with anyone else? What if, even among the sickest people I’ve ever met, I’m still a stranger because of the sexual torture?

I haven’t gotten assigned individual therapy yet so I am stuck without anywhere to process this.

I think I probably have a dissociative disorder so it’s pretty hard as it is to stay consistent to receive help. My body puts on an okay face without my permission. So group therapy is pretty hard anyway, even without feeling like I can’t say anything or trigger the group.

The director of this program shot me down during the intake and told me I probably didn’t even experience sexual abuse… so that’s doubly troubling.

Does anyone have any tips for this experience?