r/Codependency

First posted in r/Anxiousattachment - redirected here by a commenter.

I (F-AP) was broken up with approx. 1 month ago after 1.5 years of dating. My ex (M-DA) often experienced shutdowns when I expressed my emotions and/or needs, these shutdowns lasted a couple of days, during which he would pick up the phone only to tell me he didn't want to talk to me and needed "space." I still, now, feel highly responsible. I struggle to not blame myself for the relationship falling apart, especially for my inability to honour his boundary of space. I had such visceral reactions (i.e., nausea, puking, panic-spirals) to space/no contact. My anxious attachment was well under wraps for the first 6 to 8 months of the relationship - until he started to take space without indicating when he'd or if he'd return - this escalated my anxiety x1000. I was no longer able to manage and regulate myself. I didn't overflood him with messages, but often reached out in heavy tears. Over time, we both noticed that the pattern continued to accelerate and occur more frequently. Is it normal as an AP with a DA to feel like the sole responsibility of fixing the cycle sits with you because your emotions trigger the DA shutdowns, even when you try to express them in the most "secure" manner possible - would the DA always see it as an attack? I felt that as the AP, the success of the relationship was only on my shoulders and I was made to believe I was the one required to change. I blame myself for all the times I let my protests slip out and now I cannot stop ruminating on where I might have gone wrong and if I had been able to act differently would this have improved the relationship and/or his perspective of it. As the AP I always felt like I was trying to fix my issues for the DA, but that the DA wasn't trying to fix their issues for me.

I (30F) recently went on a few dates with a guy from a dating app. After getting out of a long-term relationship, I wasn’t looking for anything serious, but I genuinely cannot tell if I’m overreacting or if this man is just a walking red flag wrapped in dopamine.

He works construction in his father’s company and has a 5-year-old son. I honestly didn’t even realize he had a kid at first because I didn’t fully read his profile (my fault). But when I found out, I actually thought, “Okay, what’s the big deal?” and surprisingly, it didn’t bother me.

The chemistry in the beginning was INSANE though. We could talk for hours, even if it wasn’t super deep. On our first real date, after lunch, he literally grabbed me and started making out with me aggressively. I think my brain got hooked on the dopamine rush immediately.

By the third date, we slept together.

And then it was like a switch flipped.

Suddenly, he started criticizing EVERYTHING:

\- my apartment isn’t clean enough
\- what I eat
\- how much I eat
\- what I drink
\- that I should work out more
\- commenting on bruises on my body, saying “that’s not okay”
\- saying I should “do woman stuff” while he “does man stuff” (while also asking to split the bill)

Then, when we were outside together, he randomly said he doesn’t want us to “look like a couple,” and I thought to myself… we are not a couple??? Which felt rude because I never even asked him for commitment in the first place.

What really messed with my head is that the more we talked, the more attached I got to the idea of him as a father. He absolutely adores his son, and honestly, seeing him with his child was the softest, most loving side of him. It made me wonder:

Can a genuinely loving father still be emotionally shitty to women?

Anyway, after he kept acting cold and critical after sex, I finally told him:

“I wanted something casual/FWB but with mutual respect, and I don’t feel respected, so I’m done.”

He never replied to the message.

But he kept liking my Instagram stories???

So eventually, I told him not to bother me anymore.

Now I’m trying to move on, but it’s weirdly hard. I feel almost chemically addicted to the validation/intensity. Meanwhile, this man follows hundreds of half-naked Instagram models, updated his dating profile to “father of my monster (his son’s name),” and apparently lied about his age (he’s 32 but put 30).

I genuinely cannot tell if:

1. he’s emotionally unavailable and immature,
2. I got love-bombed,
3. or I’m just attached to the dopamine rollercoaster.

Why do some people completely change after sleeping with someone? And why am I mentally hooked?

I (26F) just left a 6+ year relationship and I feel like I’m dying. I need advice from people who healed from emotional dependency / trauma bonds.

I’ve been in an on-and-off relationship with the same person for more than 6 years. He cheated on me multiple times throughout the relationship, and every time we broke up it was because of betrayal, lies, inconsistency or emotional neglect.

I know people will probably ask why I stayed, and honestly I ask myself the same thing now. The answer is: because I loved him deeply, because I’m extremely attached, and because despite everything he genuinely did love me in his own way. He wasn’t a monster. He was loving at times, affectionate, emotionally intense, and we shared an incredibly deep bond and familiarity. But he was also avoidant, emotionally inconsistent, insecure, dishonest and unable to give me the stability and emotional safety I needed. My brain also struggles to stay angry at people. I’m very empathetic and when I see where people are coming from it is hard for me to stay angry.

The relationship became a cycle of:
- closeness → distance
- reassurance → anxiety
- love → emotional neglect
- rupture → reunion

And every time we got back together, the relief felt so intense that it reinforced the attachment even more.

Two years ago we got back together after another breakup and things were actually going well for a while. But eventually the same issues came back. I started feeling emotionally abandoned again. I didn’t feel protected, considered or prioritized enough. I constantly felt like I was fighting for emotional connection while overgiving and overcompensating.

I’ve always been extremely loving, loyal and emotionally invested in relationships. I tend to overgive, struggle with boundaries, and tolerate way too much because losing people terrifies me. I grew up in a very unstable environment, experienced abandonment in childhood, and I know this relationship triggered those wounds massively.

I also have OCD, chronic anxiety and I’m neurodivergent, which makes attachment and trust incredibly difficult for me. I’ve always tended to “attach” to one specific person very intensely. Even with friendships, I’ve experienced unhealthy attachment and devastating grief when relationships ended.

The hardest part is that despite all the pain, he became my emotional home. Even when I wasn’t happy, he felt familiar, safe and regulating to my nervous system. I always comforted myself by believing we would eventually find our way back to each other somehow.

But now I found out he cheated again. And something finally broke in me.

I always told myself that if he ever cheated again, I would leave. So I did.

The problem is: I feel like I’m in withdrawal from a drug.

When I lose contact with him, I genuinely feel like I’m dying:
- I can’t eat
- I can’t sleep
- I can’t focus
- I can’t function properly
- all I do is cry and obsess

I wake up thinking about him. I go to sleep thinking about him. My nervous system keeps screaming for the one person who hurt me.

That’s the part that scares me the most:
the only thing that seems capable of soothing me is HIM.

And I know going back would only restart the cycle and destroy me further. Yet, I can’t bring myself to give him his stuff back, because it’s the only thing I have left. Once we give each other our stuff back, I won’t have anymore excuse to see him..

In past breakups I tried seeking comfort or reassurance from other men, but it always backfired because:

1. I struggle deeply with trust and connection
2. it was often just a way to soothe abandonment panic
3. eventually I always went back to him

This time I genuinely want to heal in a healthy way.

I am in therapy and have been for years. I read a lot about attachment, trauma bonds, emotional dependency, nervous system dysregulation, etc. Intellectually I understand what is happening. I know my brain is in withdrawal and that this relationship activated childhood wounds.

But nobody explains HOW to survive this emotionally.

I feel terrified because previous breakups took me years to fully recover from emotionally. I’m scared of the intensity of this grief and attachment. I’m scared I’ll never feel safe or connected with anyone else again. I’m scared that no matter how much clarity I have, I’ll eventually become so emotionally desperate that I’ll go back. But still, I hate the idea that we are done. I thought we would spend our life together.

At the same time, I know I deserve better. I know I deserve honesty, consistency, emotional safety and reciprocity. I know love should not feel like constant anxiety and survival.

So I guess I’m asking:
Has anyone here genuinely healed from this kind of attachment / emotional dependency / trauma bond?

How did you survive the withdrawal phase without going back?
How did you learn to self-regulate when your nervous system was completely attached to another person?
How long did it take before life started feeling real again?

I’m not looking for judgment. I already know the relationship was unhealthy.
I’m genuinely trying to understand how to heal because right now I feel completely lost.

Hi, I’m a “hardcore” chronic codependent.
My mind never stops obsessing, about relationships, the future, work, family, what people think of me, and how life was supposed to go. Looking back, I can see I was constantly trying to arrange life to suit myself, and no matter how hard I tried, it never really worked. I felt constantly separated and different from others but longed to belong and be accepted.

I’m in a Twelve Step program and work the Big Book of AA for chronic codependency. It’s changed the way I live and relate to other people, and honestly, it’s given me a kind of freedom I didn’t think was possible.
I’m not an expert. I just know how exhausting it is to live trapped in obsession, fear, control, and self will. If you relate to any of this and you need help, I’m happy to share my experience with you.

me (21f) and my boyfriend have been dating for around 3 and a half months. i’ve had multiple relationships before but this is the first time i’ve actually felt this safe and cared for in one, and i have bpd/borderline tendencies so trust is really hard for me.

we originally met because he thought i was pretty, but i kept rejecting/pushing him away because he didn’t seem trustworthy to me at first. instead of giving up, he kept trying to make me feel safe. he posted me everywhere, made me his profile picture, introduced me to his family, took risks for me because i told him if he wanted me to trust him he had to invest in me/show me he was serious. he even gave me a ring because he said he genuinely saw a future with me.

the thing is, even though he’s been emotionally invested from the beginning, i only recently started fully showing my feelings back because i was scared. he always knew i cared though and was patient about it.

today we got way more intimate than before for the first time, but now i feel extremely uncomfortable and anxious afterwards. he checked on me a few times and asked if i was okay, but honestly i said yes even though i wasn’t fully sure. now my brain is convincing me that he’s going to use me, lose interest, or that if he really loved me he “wouldn’t be able to touch me” or something.

guys especially: if you were genuinely in love with a girl, would being intimate with her make you lose feelings/respect? or is that just my fear talking? i genuinely can’t tell if i’m overthinking or if this feeling means something is wrong. im losing my mind rn…

I (straight GenX Male) am currently taking an inventory of all my co-dependent behavior.

I am wondering if my attitude to sex is co-dependent.

I have always considered myself a selfless lover. I really enjoy my partner reaching climax as many times as possible. I'm very happy to start by going down on her for the first, and will hold back as much as possible for more. To the point where I can't even finish myself.

Is this co-dependent, not selfless? I'm feeling their emotions more than mine, and putting their feelings ahead of my own. If it is, how do I change? Is there a compromise?

I was sitting at the park yesterday and thinking about how utterly ALONE I have been feeling the past few weeks. Not lonely but ALONE. I kept thinking "I feel this way because there must be an obvious need that I am not meeting for myself" but then it dawned on me like the noon day sun: It's not the absence of people that has me feeling like this but the absence of the pattern.

Living in codependency, people pleasing, and fawning patterns for so long I didn't realize these patterns came with some unspoken residue. When I was in the old patterns there was this unconscious belief that because I was over-performing for that person then we had some kind of "bond" or "connection" or even a relationship (one sided due to varying levels of limerence both in friendships and with lovers). I would over give and over perform in their lives thinking that when I needed them they would show up in the same capacity but that rarely happened. It isn't that all of the sudden I feel so alone because I am alone but it's the illusion that there was a true connection in the first place that is crumbling. This is where the feeling of "alone" is originating from. Holy crap, now I have to reflect: have I ever had a genuine connection? This was a monumental realization for me and I just wanted to share, maybe even to help someone else.

Hi all.

So, my mum was in a long marriage with my father. He was violent, abusive and SA’d her throughout their marriage. She refused point blank to leave him and it got scary. The police were involved but without her help, they couldn’t do anything.

Me and my siblings realised we couldn’t save her, we could only protect ourselves. I made the decision to go to the police about historic child abuse from my father against me. The police took it seriously and he has been charged.

As a result, my mum’s relationship with my dad ended. She couldn’t handle knowing that he was going to be arrested and feared the aftermath, so she fled.

She had loads of therapy and was in a great place for a year or so. She then started seeing a new man. We told her we thought it was a bad idea and she needed more therapy first.

In November my sister’s husband died suddenly and tragically. My sister is now a 40 year old widow with two young children and has a whole host of health conditions.

Rather than help me and my brother support my sister, my mum has escaped into her relationship. A week after my brother in law died, my mum went to a Christmas charity event with her boyfriend - which was devastating.

Since November she has consistently put her boyfriend’s needs above ours. Agreeing to babysit and then cancelling to do stuff with him. When mum is with us, her phone is buzzing constantly from his calls. She finds any excuse to leave the room to spend hours on the phone with him.

We put in place a boundary - we can’t keep seeing her if she keeps hurting us. She needs to put her own healing and therapy first. She said she had ended things with him on Tuesday.

We weren’t surprised to learn that she hasn’t.

We have now said we are going no contact with her unless she continues to get therapy and attends CoDA meetings. She doesn’t understand the issue and accuses us of bullying her like our dad did.

All three of us are trying to grieve and learn to cope without my brother in law. We are devastated. Her two boys may have inherited the faulty heart issue that led to his sudden death and we are awaiting genetic testing results. We can’t handle my mum’s drama and lies on-top of it all.

My question: is there any hope from her attending CoDA meetings if she doesn’t think she is codependent?

Hi all. I’m struggling with sadness and fear whenever my spouse goes to a social event without me. I wasn’t always this way, but a series of events triggered some unresolved trauma. I’ve been going to therapy and we are in couples therapy… which is how I discovered that I am def struggling with codependence. I feel the sadness and grief and then I’m disgusted and ashamed at my neediness. I’m going to try and find a meeting that works with my busy schedule, but just curious if others experience that and how you shift perspective to get out of the sadness and grief!

I’ve been working on my codependent tendencies and I had a massive realization about why I get "addicted" to people so fast. I’m not actually seeing them; I’m seeing my own unmet needs reflected back at me.

It’s like I’m looking at a mirror, not a human being. I’ve been researching how to "break the mirror" and actually see people for who they are.

Hey,

So I’ve been with my ex for 3 years on and off. During this relationship I acted very codependent. I ended it many times cause I was not feeling alright in our dynamic but came back every time. Now it’s been 6 months off, after the last and final breakup. I was missing him all the time still, even though he treated me like shit sometimes and especially at the end… he did not respect my decision and a breakup that should have lasted a day to a week lasted one and a half to two months… I needed to re explain myself again and again, until he literally discarded me and said mean stuff.
I was so confused why did I still miss him all along, even when I chose to break it off and even though he treated me badly at times. I started to listen to podcasts like “why she stayed” and I realized it had abusive elements so I contacted an organization for women in abusive relationships and I made an appointment with a social worker. I told her our relationship story and asked her if I should even be sitting there, at the organization. And she said yes, it was abusive on many levels apparently… I had no clue all along but I definitely felt like this all along. Apparently he is just so manipulative (not on purpose I think) that I couldn’t see it all along.
I’m grieving this relationship and I am so sad about this and wanted to share. I am now starting a course of therapy with a psychologist who is specialized in those relationships through this organization. I am going to therapy for over a year but it’s so tricky that my therapist couldn’t help with that so much.

If you read all along thank you 🤍

I want my old friend back, but it seems things are not right. What should I do?

I’m a 30M and one of my closest platonic friends is a 36F married coworker. We’ve known each other for around 4 years. The first 2 years were honestly great, we were fully supportive of each other, not judging each other, always laughing,etc . We used to talk a lot, laugh together, support each other emotionally, and I genuinely felt valued in the friendship.

But over the last 2 years, especially after more people became part of our office circle, her behavior toward me has changed in a way that keeps confusing and hurting me.

When we are alone, she is usually very warm and comfortable with me. She shares personal things, asks me for favors, calls me when she needs emotional support, and overall acts close to me. Even now, if she needs help, wants chocolates from outside, or wants to vent, I’m usually the person she comes to first.

But in group settings, especially around 7–8 coworkers, she becomes a completely different person. She ignores me, excludes me, barely engages with me, and acts much more lively and interested with everyone else. We all stand together daily outside a tea shop after work, and I’ve noticed something repeatedly: when I’m standing there, she becomes quiet or disengaged, but the moment I step away to pay or pick up tea, she suddenly starts laughing and talking actively with others. Then when I come back, she withdraws again.

She also behaves differently toward me socially compared to others. If she wants to go to lunch, she directly invites others, but with me she’s indirect like “where are you going?” instead of openly including me. Sometimes it genuinely feels like she doesn’t want to be seen choosing me in front of others.

Another thing that affects me is how she reacts when people disrespect me. If someone jokes about me or misbehaves with me, she often laughs with them instead of supporting me. But if I defend myself or react back, later in private she tells me I shouldn’t have retaliated. It feels like she becomes protective of others even when they disrespect me, while my feelings are rarely considered.

Even one-on-one, she sometimes subtly insults me, curses at me, or behaves disrespectfully, though not all the time. The confusing part is that sometimes she can also be genuinely caring and supportive, which keeps pulling me back emotionally.

Professionally, we work together too. She’s disciplined and good at her work, and although she has more experience, I’m the Team Lead. Most things are fine professionally, but there have been moments where I felt she indirectly teamed up with others to pressure or corner me at work socially.

Overall, I feel like privately she depends on me emotionally, but publicly she distances herself from me and values others more. Sometimes she seems happy for me when we are alone, but the moment others join, her energy shifts completely toward them and I feel invisible.

I know there are red flags, but I’ve become emotionally attached and I’m struggling to understand why someone can be caring in private but dismissive in groups. Part of me wants answers, and part of me wants her to realize how much this behavior has affected me.

What I find good:

She drinks water from her bottle, and mine. No one else.

Whenever we all go for lunch she is only comfortable to pillion on my bike and no one else.

She never goes to anyone else's desk except mine, not only for work but for off topic discussion too.

What I find bad:

She ignores me when we are in group setting or even any third person joins.

She has stopped laughing with me but never fails to laugh at me.

She teams up with others but not me.

She has never cursed anyone else except me (once she cursed me because I dont take leave and boss compliemented me about it).

She once made a new friendship with a guy who disrespects me, The problem is after becoming his friend she started to disrespect me, they both always made me feel left out, never considered me, she always declines me whenever I stand for myself against this guy or anyone else.

She now only remembers me most of the time when she needs favour or wants to be emotionally heard.

Once in every 1-2 months she behaves like I am special to her, this is when I feel good about myself. Then again she is back to bad patterns as mentioned above.

TL;DR:

Close female coworker friend is warm and emotionally dependent on me in private, but ignores, excludes, and sometimes joins others against me in group settings. She rarely supports me publicly and often takes my feelings for granted, while still coming to me for emotional support and favors. This confusing push-pull dynamic has been going on for 2 years and is affecting me emotionally.

This is just going to be a long, rambling post of things I’ve never verbalized. I’m almost 28 and I’m pathetic. I have almost none of the skills my friends have despite being an intelligent person. I’m so far behind I don’t even know where to begin. I’m back in school to get a degree for a job I’ll actually enjoy, but that’s only one small piece in such a big puzzle. Above all, I hate myself and I’m so afraid of myself that I think I should self-isolate indefinitely and just dedicate myself to a career, nothing else.

Childhood was rough. I had very severe unmedicated ADHD that, once puberty hit, the emotional dysregulation was in full swing. I was quick to throw fits and had hair-trigger frustration. I’m now medicated and it has helped massively. I’m trying to pair this with behavioral interventions. But under it, I think I’m just an evil person. I don’t know how much of me I can fix, and I’m scared that the “real me” will always be waiting below the surface.

My dad was an alcoholic and full-blown narcissist. He cheated on my mom repeatedly, but my mom is an extreme codependent. She would give and give and give and then things would explode into huge fights. She’s always been self-effacing, including towards us kids. Anything we asked for, she gave it to us and then tried to find more to give us. “No” wasn’t a word that was said until she couldn’t take it anymore and detonated. The fights were really ugly. My dad punched a hole through a door one time. They kept almost divorcing. I was part of the problem. I was a really messed up kid and I’m a selfish person. Things stayed ugly for a really long time. The house was always tense and I would violently explode because I couldn’t stand it, and I didn’t know how to make it stop except by blowing it all up. I would be physically and verbally violent. I often didn’t even know why I was being that way. If I could go back in time and punish myself for everything, I would. I don’t forgive myself.

I know things I don’t want to know. I know that my mom used to pray for my dad to die on the way home. I know a lot of other things I don’t want to write down. I feel bad because my mom shouldn’t have to keep this to herself, but I wish I could forget what I’ve heard. I’m an adult and should be able to be an outlet for her to talk to about this, but I wish I didn’t know.

Fights still happen and I just shut down. I go cold. I remember when I was 16 and this happened for the first time. A switch flipped, and I didn’t feel empathy for the next two years or so. I didn’t cry. Didn’t feel much of anything. This still happens in arguments with my family, I just turn off. With my friends, it doesn’t happen as much. But that duality just feels like a lie.

I don’t know how to be kind. I don’t know what love is supposed to be. I feel like you can’t be kind or loving except if you’re ready to sacrifice everything every day. Every time I think I feel love I feel like I must be faking it. When I cry during movies I feel like a monster putting on a performance, even if I’m alone.

I can be kind with other people, but I feel like I must be faking it. I like to see people happy. I don’t know why it’s so hard to be that around my parents. I don’t understand. I just want to be a gentle person. I want to be capable and reliable. I feel such horrible guilt for everything I’ve taken. I want to fix myself so I can move out and get out of their way.

I don’t like to be with kind people because I’m terrified of taking advantage of them. I like cruel people because then I know I can’t be greedy. They won’t let me. I want to become kind, but that isn’t enough. I’m scared I’ll just become horrible again and the only thing that can keep me in check is being beaten back into place. I see codependency as sainthood, and anything short of sacrificing everything you have is selfishness. I don’t want to sacrifice everything, so I pathetically let myself become even more selfish, as if I don’t understand the importance of trying. I’m tired all the time. I’m almost 30 and I still hurt myself sometimes. I don’t want my family to know I still do it.

I dont know where to begin. I dont know how much of myself I can outrun, or if I really am just a narcissist. I’m scared I’m just like my dad and I’m scared I won’t have the desire to fight it. I was a really sweet, courageous kid when I was little. I don’t know who I am.

I’ve been in recovery for 2 months (ACA) and therapy for 6 months. I’ve noticed that I get actually upset a lot more. still not “a lot” but enough that it is noticeable. I used to only get enraged once every 3 years or so. usually black out for a minute or so and say some really mean stuff to someone who was antagonizing me and go back to being calm and collected as usual. but in the past few months it’s happened probably 4-6 times. given I have dealt with a lot of antagonizing but no more than I did before. it’s just how it comes out as rage rather than me SHing or breaking down crying. maybe it’s not a bad thing. it does scare me a bit though. thankfully I think people are willing to give me the space to walk away and recompose myself. it mostly scares me because it comes so suddenly and I feel like I don’t have much control over my actions in those moments. has anyone else experienced this? have ways to deal with it?

if you’re wondering what this has to do with codependency I find this mostly happens when I don’t just go along with someone else for their sake and have some self respect, my response being to them to get upset. maybe just a normal human reaction that I now feel because I’ve allowed myself to.

Today one year ago, my reality shattered. My spouse, who I had made the center of my codependent world, told me that they weren't who I thought they were. In a matter of days, the person I'd built my life around and bore children with became a stranger. I clung hard to my fantasy, trying to convince them they were wrong about their view of themselves. I was convinced I was fighting to save the person I loved, and in a way I was. I was fighting to preserve them as they'd been, completely rejecting the person they wanted to become. I was completely unaware of my codependency and myself in general.

Over the past year, as lot has changed. I'm becoming aware of myself. I can finally hear my inner voice some, not just the inner critic that sounded like my parents or my spouse. I can identify my feelings, protect myself from my shame. I live with my kids and am building a new life. I have goals and dreams, and I'm actually working toward them now. I'm still learning, but it's leagues ahead of where I used to be.

Happy anniversary, me. Here's to another year of growth.

I also want to note, I did apologize to my partner and have been respecting their life changes.

Just to be clear: I understand why she pulled back. That's not really what this is about. It's about not knowing whether I should grieve this friendship or if I can do anything to save it.

About a year ago I (26M) got close to someone (let's call her A, 22F) from my friend group and we quickly became best friends: we talked all day, opened up about our traumatic pasts and were always there for each other. It really felt like the kind of connection that's supposed to end up becoming one of the most important ones in your life.

Long story short, it turns out she was talking to me that much out of guilt: she thought I would feel anxious if she were to be less present, and she forced herself to talk to me so that this wouldn't happen. And the truth is that she was right: I felt like shit because I do have anxious attachment, but I still accepted and encouraged her need for space.

Despite supporting this, I still felt like crap along the way: I would interpret her distance as disinterest, her silence as hate. Several times I actually brought this up, and she quickly (fairly) started getting exhausted by this.

This next event further destroyed my trust and hope in the relationship. At one point I noticed that A was on Discord with our friend group. I just had one of the episodes I just mentioned, so it kind of surprised me that she had screenshare on. Once I joined the call, I saw that she was streaming our private messages to our friends. I saw my messages forwarded in other chats and it seems she was telling pretty hurtful stuff about me to her girlfriend. I closed the call and actually had a complete emotional meltdown over that, I felt like I had been betrayed all along. She said it was an accident and that the others likely lied to her about the chat not being visible on screen. She said that these episodes exhausted her but still did not want to hurt me like that. This event felt genuinely traumatic and still haunts me months later, and I just don't know whether I should trust anyone in the group anymore.

In the coming months, I noticed that she was becoming even less available and I actually had one major breakdown and I distanced myself from her and the whole friend group for a few days. I did realize that I could not continue pestering her about distance and availability. I started working on myself once again, picked up a DBT self-help course, followed in the 12 steps codependence program and seriously apologized to her once I came back. She accepted the apology and seemed very content with me taking action to improve. I have not had one of these anxious episodes since then.

Still, it feels like none of what I've done actually matters for the friendship itself. She's becoming harder to reach, very emotionally unavailable, and I don't even know if she's talking to me because she wants to or because she feels forced to. It feels like she doesn't care about me anymore, sometimes even becoming visibly irritated when I say I'm going through a lot. I also feel like she never took accountability for that screenshare incident, along other similar incidents that I won't get into.

I just wish this relationship would improve and feel like it did before, but I don't even know where to start. Has anyone navigated anything like this? How can I have an honest conversation about this without her feeling like it's another of these episodes? It hurts so viscerally that I feel like it's time to go, but I just wish I could stay.

TL;DR: had a friendship that felt special. She gradually pulled away, one major incident destroyed my trust and despite putting in some serious work the connection keeps fading. I don't know whether this can be saved or if it's just time to let go.

There a friend of mine that start listening to me about my problem.I just realize he always heard my problem,always help me and i always sometimes push him too hard.And now i think he started dislike me as I sometimes too intense emotionally and too dependent with him although I a bit older.I think I was a horrible friend,although i have no bad intention. How to I improve myself to be a better and calmer person?

Wondering if anyone has had this experience...

2 years ago i hit my codependency rock bottom. It had led me right into a relationship with an alcoholic i loved very much who was very sick when I met him and became sicker and sicker and very abusive. And I responded with reactive abuse. At the end it was a very emotionally abusive relationship.

when I left him I took a good hard look at my patterns and I have been working on codependency since. I'm now a far more whole person, in some ways at least. I still have a lot of work to do. But I take good care of myself, I have relationships and hobbies that are important to me. I have dated a little bit here and there and I have developed discernment for red flags in dating.

A couple of months ago my ex reached out. He has been in recovery for like nine months or something. With a short relapse four months ago. I guess the relationship was something I needed to revisit now that he is sober and we spent a lot of April together. Initially things were weird but good. However quitting drinking did not solve a lot of his emotional issues... he was at times dysregulated, verbally abusive (eg, telling me to shut up), invalidating, self-centred, entitled. Not much ownership of the trauma he caused through his addiction. The more time I spent with him the more I felt like I had to suppress myself and my feelings and make myself small so as to make him comfortable. I was consciously doing it, mindful of the fact that he is newly sober and not wanting to destabilize him.

I have always had this role with him where I am the caretaker, paying for everything, suppressing my feelings and needs. We only work when I take on that role. When I first met him that role was very natural to me, such that I didn't even realize I was doing it. Now I have enough recovery that I am cognizant that I am playing this role and that I don't like it and I don't want it long term and that would make me very unwell.

Now I am in the position of having to set boundaries and close this door, maybe entirely I'm not sure. Probably because we both have really bad attachment issues. He seems to be one of those people who I will always be connected to somehow. He weaves into and out of my life. I always hope that he is healthier than he ends up being.

I am aware that I am a lot healthier than I used to be to have this perspective on this relationship and to have the ability to set boundaries. However with that growth comes a lot of grief that I can't have him in my life based on his current emotional functioning. I have a lot of love for him as we have similar wounds so I have always thought that there is a level of empathy. I really like a lot of stuff about him but his emotional and interpersonal skills make it really difficult for me to be close to him. I think he could work on these skills and maybe be safer in the future but right now he isn't an emotionally safe person for me. I know I can't control his healing journey and I have to take or leave him as he is and his current functioning is harmful to me so I have to leave him.

Part of me wishes I didn't have the awareness that I do now so I could go back into this familiar attachment. But I'm not blind to it now. Have you experienced this grief over people you lose as you get healthier? How do you cope with it?