u/TypicalAlbatross911

I feel like I’m failing at life. even though I’m not, I’m doing so much better and I’m on a good path right now. but I feel like I suck, everyone hates me, even if they act like they don’t they secretly do and are just using that too manipulate me (this is not the case in reality at all, I’ve cut off and weeded out all of the abusive people in my life).

I feel like I might as well not exist. I’m not gonna do it because deep down somewhere I know all this is not true. but it’s like if my own parent thought I “wasn’t enough” then who will? I’ll never earn their love, and that’s something I want so desperately. I know they hate me even more since I went NC. I know they’re talking shit about me. o know even if I tried to “make amends” they would still just use me to get what they want. they’ll never “like” me. they didn’t even like the version of me I built to please them. they found it tolerable but still hated it. all the while telling me “I love you” and demanding hugs and whatever. telling people about how amazing I was, about whatever achievements I’d made that they deemed braggable. but the other things… they could care less. oh something small that doesn't make you look like a fantastic parent but I care about and am excited about happened? Lisboa’s give a fuck, let me tell you all about the pointless crap in my life that I’m going to complain about a million times despite it not mattering at all.

I just wished they had cared even a tiny bit but no… and I don’t know how to just move on. there are people who I am close too now who love me and care about me and support me so incredibly deeply but in my brain it still doesn’t matter. I’m not gonna try and earn it, I watched my parent do that with their parent to just end up feeling even less loved by them. spinning further into gaslighting themself about it. I’m tired of this. exhausted by my feelings that I don’t matter and I’ll never be anything in life. some please tell me it’ll be okay 😭

it’s kind of a weird thing but I have someone whom I feel very safe and comfortable with. I talk to them via messagepretty frequently. we live far apart so don’t see each other really ever. I enjoy calling them but haven’t in a long while and want to do so. but every time I get kind of nervous. maybe it’s because I hate calling my parents and their kind of like a parent to me… maybe it’s because I’m almost afraid of feeling that comfortableness I feel when I’m verbally speaking to them… I don’t know but it is a bit frustrating… I do generally hate talking in the phone but I guess I enjoy them more than I hate that so… yeah it just doesn’t make a lot of sense in my brain I guess.

my last food fixations were fewer and probably “worse.” at the moment all I can eat is cheese, pepperoni, olives and ice cream. specifically cheddar cheese, and honestly that has fizzled a bit.. the ice cream is very particular too. I’m typically not a big ice cream fan recently I’ve really been feeling the dipped cones from the freezer section of Walmart… I have no idea why. im drinking diet soda, Gatorade, coffee (that’s the main beverage, with milk and a bit of creamer). I guess I just needed to rant about it… I kind of don’t feel the greatest especially about he ice cream…befit: mostly just concerned because the ice cream makes me feel full but obviously.. sugar…

I’ve been in recovery for 2 months (ACA) and therapy for 6 months. I’ve noticed that I get actually upset a lot more. still not “a lot” but enough that it is noticeable. I used to only get enraged once every 3 years or so. usually black out for a minute or so and say some really mean stuff to someone who was antagonizing me and go back to being calm and collected as usual. but in the past few months it’s happened probably 4-6 times. given I have dealt with a lot of antagonizing but no more than I did before. it’s just how it comes out as rage rather than me SHing or breaking down crying. maybe it’s not a bad thing. it does scare me a bit though. thankfully I think people are willing to give me the space to walk away and recompose myself. it mostly scares me because it comes so suddenly and I feel like I don’t have much control over my actions in those moments. has anyone else experienced this? have ways to deal with it?

I’ve been in recovery for 2 months (ACA) and therapy for 6 months. I’ve noticed that I get actually upset a lot more. still not “a lot” but enough that it is noticeable. I used to only get enraged once every 3 years or so. usually black out for a minute or so and say some really mean stuff to someone who was antagonizing me and go back to being calm and collected as usual. but in the past few months it’s happened probably 4-6 times. given I have dealt with a lot of antagonizing but no more than I did before. it’s just how it comes out as rage rather than me SHing or breaking down crying. maybe it’s not a bad thing. it does scare me a bit though. thankfully I think people are willing to give me the space to walk away and recompose myself. it mostly scares me because it comes so suddenly and I feel like I don’t have much control over my actions in those moments. has anyone else experienced this? have ways to deal with it?

if you’re wondering what this has to do with codependency I find this mostly happens when I don’t just go along with someone else for their sake and have some self respect, my response being to them to get upset. maybe just a normal human reaction that I now feel because I’ve allowed myself to.

so basically im in college, when I started school o cut off my mother and all of her family. in that time only her friends came after me. they weren’t explicitly attacking me but you know those texts where they act interested in your life blah blah… i wont go on about other stuff she did behind my back cause you all know what they do…

anyway, but now im afraid more people will notice im gone. then they’ll start asking questions. of course anyone with any sense in their brain could intuit the ACTUAL circumstances (one of my friends from high school actually figured this out without me ever saying anything so it is possible) . so yeah I’m just ready to turn my phone off for most of the time and enjoy my life. Maybe figure out how to filter messages and calls so only the ones I care about go through . I guess if anyone asks I’ll lie and say I moved. the parents haven’t showed up but I wouldn’t put it past them to have some crisis that I’m “in danger” and show up.

are there any meetings on Mother’s Day to help the coping of having a dysfunctional mother on Mother’s Day?

no theology, no politics, no “moral” dilemmas. just about God.

the churches I’ve been too claim the ultimate thing is a relationship with God. personally, I have that. but they would argue otherwise because I don’t go to church, am not strongly political on one direction and could care less about trying to understand the Bible or theology or whatever.

so I am F, and I am straight. I like men, I don’t think women are attractive at all. sexually they gross me out. but there is a weird thing I’ve noticed. the only “explicit content” that actually gets me off is boobs. it’s weird because again I’m really not into it. I never want to be near another woman’s breast that just gives me the ick

and so I was like why is this and I genuinely think it is because when I was a teenager I had a lot of male friends and they were constantly posting pics of naked oversexualized anime girls in our chats and I think it just weirdly required my brain. because I kid you not when I say NOTHING else works for me except for that…

ok so long story short I recently left the church and my group of acquaintances/some friends attached to said church. one of my friends invited me to hang out with the group to have a chill gaming hangout. sounds fun right? well I agreed because yeah it does sound fun

problem thought, I am terrified of hanging around this group now that I have left. problem is I agreed already but I could hypothetically still get out of it… overall I am not too worried but they tend to want to have super deep chats and stuff. I haven’t been around a lot so I am scared they’re gonna start asking about my faith and whatever and then be super judgy because.. well you all know why. this is also after an incident I wrote a post about the other day in which I was hanging out with some people from this group and they just started talking super weirdly about God. like idk just very love-bombingy if that makes sense. it just made me so uncomfy and weird. when religion doesn’t come up idc. but when they get really into it I get uncomfortable. I’m not even “not religious” I literally go to a Bible study with one of these people still. the thing is though most of the people in this study were raised in church but aren’t super “deep” so it isn’t uncomfy for me cause it’s very open and honest and not everyone has the exact same view and I know those people wouldn’t hate my for leaving. anyway any advice appreciated. I just wanna play some video games with friends but I feel like maybe it isn’t a great choice rn…

been LC, basically NC for several months now. o know the guilt will eat me alive… I know I’ll be torn on whether or not I should send her a happy Mother’s Day (I don’t think I will because… obviously that would be dumb).

I’m in college and used to be a very ac to be part of a religious group. it got kind of culty so I kind of walked away a bit and then eft church altogether. I’ve been evaluating my beliefs for a while now and I’m kind of in a weird spot. I guess still kind of Christian but no really…

anyway I ended up hanging out with some people from said group just because. I’ve been avoiding the group because well it seemed like it would be uncomfy to be there and sure enough it was. extremely.

i wanted to crawl under the table and be gone.

it was not “bad” it was just… such an experience. it’s like almost kind of disingenuous seeming. like everyone is just such a big Jesus fan but like it feels almost forced. like yeah I know they are serious but it just feels off for some reason. I think these kind of convos always made me feel weird but this time I just was not feeling it

she texts me occasionally, says she loves me. acts interested in my life. we all know she doesn’t care. hasn’t asked about my life, because again she doesn’t care. we’ve been basically NC. but every time I feel the guilt that she wants me to and I feel terrible for ignoring her. 😭 😭 😭

someone made a post about Christian music which sparked some thought about this movie. I thought it the day it came out on DVD because I was intrigued. people online at the time pointed out some inaccuracies and with more people getting exposed I think it’s important to note that

they repeatedly said “we’re human so we made mistakes” while talking about Sandi Patty cheating on her husband, talking about any grants divorce (that part I thought was fine) but then implying she also cheated on her husband… they also talked to members of the band Stryper and about Larry Norman being “groundbreaking“ which I suppose is true but then people online in reviews and whatnot were saying they did some shady stuff while on tour… a personal gripe I had was they skipped over all “the good bands“ ir Switchfoot, sixpence and Relient k and just focused on all the churchy super Christian ones. trying to frame Amy grant Michael W smith as the heroes of the industry or something for “going mainstream“ like uhm what? on a note that could’ve just been ignorance they interviewed Michael Tait who has now had serious charges alleged against him for SA and also John Cooper who just really enjoys attacking people (including other popular Christian’s) in his free time. so… yeah fun times

TLDR partner isnt helping with our huge project

I’m in college and have a final project where I need to write a 22 pages script (it’s for a 22 minutes tv pilots episode). i have a partner, but they have done basically nothing. ive written 8 pages of the script and they wrote maybe 3 sentences and didn’t even finish the scene they wrote for. it isn’t even that hard, it’s just coming up with scenes that add to the overall plot. I’ve been using Ai to brainstorm when I get writers block but those ideas usually suck and involve me rewriting to such a far degree. I’ve tried to just “lock in” but it’s just so much in so little time. I emailed the partner asking if they could add stuff, I showed my friend and they said it was “too nice” and I should’ve been more forceful. but at least now I have proof I tried… not that it matters anyway. I’m fairly certain my professor could tell I know what we are doing and the partner does not. as this is college I doubt he will do anything about it. I know this is my own fault. I would just BS it and not care at this point but I want all of my work to be good, plus I have to produce this piece in a future class.

if my partner would do even just 30% of the work things would be so much better but like I said they have literally just written a few sentences. they made a PowerPoint presentation for our proposal to the class as well but that was after I came up with the concept and everything. 😭

I have a family member who has become like a parent to me after leaving my narc. it has always confused me but I kind of thought id get past the confusion eventually. they actually WANT to help me. they WANT to listen to me, be there to comfort and support me ALWAYS. i literally talk this person several times a day, ask them guidance, share my accomplishments, just rant to them about whatever trauma surfaced that day. and they still are always there… they celebrate my small and big wins with me. listen to all my rants. are there to offer support whenever I need it no matter what the thing is. it’s so weird to me. my own parent couldn’t listen to me for 5 seconds and here is someone literally dealing with me day in and day out and actually seemingly enjoying it?

so yesterday I met with someone a friend had recommended just to have a chill chat about secular subjects. it’s probably the only time ive talked to an atheist about religion in my entire life. suffice it to say the conversation was lovely.

but I’ve been really struggling with what to label myself recently. I know I don’t need “a label” but I feel like without a clear idea of what I am my identity isn’t solid. anyeay…

during this chat I said “I feel like I’m weird mix between agnostic and a Christian“ and he said “well that’s still agnostic“ and explained that agnostic is more of a blanket term regarding the brief in a God or that there is a God or just for questioning generally the existence of God.

I found this to be interesting. I personally feel much more comfortable with the term agnostic, weirdly I feel even in the throws of religion that was the case. But in my mind agnostic feels like I acknowledge there is God and then have no interaction with God. But I still “pray” near daily and generally “trust God to guide my life.” if I had to summarize I suppose then my beliefs are that I believe in a spiritual entity, that I choose to call God And treat like one would “God” do I know if that God exists or if I’m just experiencing conversation with my own conscious and things in my life just so happen to work out when said consciousness tell me they will, maybe? Should I just accept that Christianity made me feel like I can’t question God despite me having apologized to my own interpretation of God for not understanding and being reassured that I am perfectly fine to question and search and try to understand it even in the end be content with not? yeah probably

I ate popcorn a while ago and one of those small little pieces got stuck between my gum and tooth. I couldn’t get to it though so it just atayed there. over time my gum got swelled up and it pushed it a place I couldn’t reach. after some digging I finally managed to pull it out. now I’m both relieved it’s gone and also in pain because I scratched my gum with my fingernail in the process of getting it out. I’m amazed though that it stayed in that long

edit: I meant “kernel“

got my check for the month, I had $1,700 in my account. the check sends my available balance to $2,600. I was always told not to have over $2,600 in my account. I didn’t think this would happen because I put that $1,700 towards paying for school but apparently the payment has not gone through yet. what should I do?

i got my check for the month, I had $1,700 in my account. the check sends my available balance to $2,600. I was always told not to have over $2,600 in my account. I didn’t think this would happen because I put that $1,700 towards paying for school but apparently the payment has not gone through yet. what should I do?