u/Bubblesansbubbles

I (26F) just left a 6+ year relationship and I feel like I’m dying. I need advice from people who healed from emotional dependency / trauma bonds.

I’ve been in an on-and-off relationship with the same person for more than 6 years. He cheated on me multiple times throughout the relationship, and every time we broke up it was because of betrayal, lies, inconsistency or emotional neglect.

I know people will probably ask why I stayed, and honestly I ask myself the same thing now. The answer is: because I loved him deeply, because I’m extremely attached, and because despite everything he genuinely did love me in his own way. He wasn’t a monster. He was loving at times, affectionate, emotionally intense, and we shared an incredibly deep bond and familiarity. But he was also avoidant, emotionally inconsistent, insecure, dishonest and unable to give me the stability and emotional safety I needed. My brain also struggles to stay angry at people. I’m very empathetic and when I see where people are coming from it is hard for me to stay angry.

The relationship became a cycle of:
- closeness → distance
- reassurance → anxiety
- love → emotional neglect
- rupture → reunion

And every time we got back together, the relief felt so intense that it reinforced the attachment even more.

Two years ago we got back together after another breakup and things were actually going well for a while. But eventually the same issues came back. I started feeling emotionally abandoned again. I didn’t feel protected, considered or prioritized enough. I constantly felt like I was fighting for emotional connection while overgiving and overcompensating.

I’ve always been extremely loving, loyal and emotionally invested in relationships. I tend to overgive, struggle with boundaries, and tolerate way too much because losing people terrifies me. I grew up in a very unstable environment, experienced abandonment in childhood, and I know this relationship triggered those wounds massively.

I also have OCD, chronic anxiety and I’m neurodivergent, which makes attachment and trust incredibly difficult for me. I’ve always tended to “attach” to one specific person very intensely. Even with friendships, I’ve experienced unhealthy attachment and devastating grief when relationships ended.

The hardest part is that despite all the pain, he became my emotional home. Even when I wasn’t happy, he felt familiar, safe and regulating to my nervous system. I always comforted myself by believing we would eventually find our way back to each other somehow.

But now I found out he cheated again. And something finally broke in me.

I always told myself that if he ever cheated again, I would leave. So I did.

The problem is: I feel like I’m in withdrawal from a drug.

When I lose contact with him, I genuinely feel like I’m dying:
- I can’t eat
- I can’t sleep
- I can’t focus
- I can’t function properly
- all I do is cry and obsess

I wake up thinking about him. I go to sleep thinking about him. My nervous system keeps screaming for the one person who hurt me.

That’s the part that scares me the most:
the only thing that seems capable of soothing me is HIM.

And I know going back would only restart the cycle and destroy me further. Yet, I can’t bring myself to give him his stuff back, because it’s the only thing I have left. Once we give each other our stuff back, I won’t have anymore excuse to see him..

In past breakups I tried seeking comfort or reassurance from other men, but it always backfired because:

1. I struggle deeply with trust and connection
2. it was often just a way to soothe abandonment panic
3. eventually I always went back to him

This time I genuinely want to heal in a healthy way.

I am in therapy and have been for years. I read a lot about attachment, trauma bonds, emotional dependency, nervous system dysregulation, etc. Intellectually I understand what is happening. I know my brain is in withdrawal and that this relationship activated childhood wounds.

But nobody explains HOW to survive this emotionally.

I feel terrified because previous breakups took me years to fully recover from emotionally. I’m scared of the intensity of this grief and attachment. I’m scared I’ll never feel safe or connected with anyone else again. I’m scared that no matter how much clarity I have, I’ll eventually become so emotionally desperate that I’ll go back. But still, I hate the idea that we are done. I thought we would spend our life together.

At the same time, I know I deserve better. I know I deserve honesty, consistency, emotional safety and reciprocity. I know love should not feel like constant anxiety and survival.

So I guess I’m asking:
Has anyone here genuinely healed from this kind of attachment / emotional dependency / trauma bond?

How did you survive the withdrawal phase without going back?
How did you learn to self-regulate when your nervous system was completely attached to another person?
How long did it take before life started feeling real again?

I’m not looking for judgment. I already know the relationship was unhealthy.
I’m genuinely trying to understand how to heal because right now I feel completely lost.

I (26F) just left a 6+ year relationship and I feel like I’m dying. I need advice from people who healed from emotional dependency / trauma bonds.

I’ve been in an on-and-off relationship with the same person for more than 6 years. He cheated on me multiple times throughout the relationship, and every time we broke up it was because of betrayal, lies, inconsistency or emotional neglect.

I know people will probably ask why I stayed, and honestly I ask myself the same thing now. The answer is: because I loved him deeply, because I’m extremely attached, and because despite everything he genuinely did love me in his own way. He wasn’t a monster. He was loving at times, affectionate, emotionally intense, and we shared an incredibly deep bond and familiarity. But he was also avoidant, emotionally inconsistent, insecure, dishonest and unable to give me the stability and emotional safety I needed. My brain also struggles to stay angry at people. I’m very empathetic and when I see where people are coming from it is hard for me to stay angry.

The relationship became a cycle of:
- closeness → distance
- reassurance → anxiety
- love → emotional neglect
- rupture → reunion

And every time we got back together, the relief felt so intense that it reinforced the attachment even more.

Two years ago we got back together after another breakup and things were actually going well for a while. But eventually the same issues came back. I started feeling emotionally abandoned again. I didn’t feel protected, considered or prioritized enough. I constantly felt like I was fighting for emotional connection while overgiving and overcompensating.

I’ve always been extremely loving, loyal and emotionally invested in relationships. I tend to overgive, struggle with boundaries, and tolerate way too much because losing people terrifies me. I grew up in a very unstable environment, experienced abandonment in childhood, and I know this relationship triggered those wounds massively.

I also have OCD, chronic anxiety and I’m neurodivergent, which makes attachment and trust incredibly difficult for me. I’ve always tended to “attach” to one specific person very intensely. Even with friendships, I’ve experienced unhealthy attachment and devastating grief when relationships ended.

The hardest part is that despite all the pain, he became my emotional home. Even when I wasn’t happy, he felt familiar, safe and regulating to my nervous system. I always comforted myself by believing we would eventually find our way back to each other somehow.

But now I found out he cheated again. And something finally broke in me.

I always told myself that if he ever cheated again, I would leave. So I did.

The problem is: I feel like I’m in withdrawal from a drug.

When I lose contact with him, I genuinely feel like I’m dying:
- I can’t eat
- I can’t sleep
- I can’t focus
- I can’t function properly
- all I do is cry and obsess

I wake up thinking about him. I go to sleep thinking about him. My nervous system keeps screaming for the one person who hurt me.

That’s the part that scares me the most:
the only thing that seems capable of soothing me is HIM.

And I know going back would only restart the cycle and destroy me further. Yet, I can’t bring myself to give him his stuff back, because it’s the only thing I have left. Once we give each other our stuff back, I won’t have anymore excuse to see him..

In past breakups I tried seeking comfort or reassurance from other men, but it always backfired because:

1. I struggle deeply with trust and connection
2. it was often just a way to soothe abandonment panic
3. eventually I always went back to him

This time I genuinely want to heal in a healthy way.

I am in therapy and have been for years. I read a lot about attachment, trauma bonds, emotional dependency, nervous system dysregulation, etc. Intellectually I understand what is happening. I know my brain is in withdrawal and that this relationship activated childhood wounds.

But nobody explains HOW to survive this emotionally.

I feel terrified because previous breakups took me years to fully recover from emotionally. I’m scared of the intensity of this grief and attachment. I’m scared I’ll never feel safe or connected with anyone else again. I’m scared that no matter how much clarity I have, I’ll eventually become so emotionally desperate that I’ll go back. But still, I hate the idea that we are done. I thought we would spend our life together.

At the same time, I know I deserve better. I know I deserve honesty, consistency, emotional safety and reciprocity. I know love should not feel like constant anxiety and survival.

So I guess I’m asking:
Has anyone here genuinely healed from this kind of attachment / emotional dependency / trauma bond?

How did you survive the withdrawal phase without going back?
How did you learn to self-regulate when your nervous system was completely attached to another person?
How long did it take before life started feeling real again?

I’m not looking for judgment. I already know the relationship was unhealthy.
I’m genuinely trying to understand how to heal because right now I feel completely lost.