u/RareP0kem0n

Wondering if anyone has had this experience...

2 years ago i hit my codependency rock bottom. It had led me right into a relationship with an alcoholic i loved very much who was very sick when I met him and became sicker and sicker and very abusive. And I responded with reactive abuse. At the end it was a very emotionally abusive relationship.

when I left him I took a good hard look at my patterns and I have been working on codependency since. I'm now a far more whole person, in some ways at least. I still have a lot of work to do. But I take good care of myself, I have relationships and hobbies that are important to me. I have dated a little bit here and there and I have developed discernment for red flags in dating.

A couple of months ago my ex reached out. He has been in recovery for like nine months or something. With a short relapse four months ago. I guess the relationship was something I needed to revisit now that he is sober and we spent a lot of April together. Initially things were weird but good. However quitting drinking did not solve a lot of his emotional issues... he was at times dysregulated, verbally abusive (eg, telling me to shut up), invalidating, self-centred, entitled. Not much ownership of the trauma he caused through his addiction. The more time I spent with him the more I felt like I had to suppress myself and my feelings and make myself small so as to make him comfortable. I was consciously doing it, mindful of the fact that he is newly sober and not wanting to destabilize him.

I have always had this role with him where I am the caretaker, paying for everything, suppressing my feelings and needs. We only work when I take on that role. When I first met him that role was very natural to me, such that I didn't even realize I was doing it. Now I have enough recovery that I am cognizant that I am playing this role and that I don't like it and I don't want it long term and that would make me very unwell.

Now I am in the position of having to set boundaries and close this door, maybe entirely I'm not sure. Probably because we both have really bad attachment issues. He seems to be one of those people who I will always be connected to somehow. He weaves into and out of my life. I always hope that he is healthier than he ends up being.

I am aware that I am a lot healthier than I used to be to have this perspective on this relationship and to have the ability to set boundaries. However with that growth comes a lot of grief that I can't have him in my life based on his current emotional functioning. I have a lot of love for him as we have similar wounds so I have always thought that there is a level of empathy. I really like a lot of stuff about him but his emotional and interpersonal skills make it really difficult for me to be close to him. I think he could work on these skills and maybe be safer in the future but right now he isn't an emotionally safe person for me. I know I can't control his healing journey and I have to take or leave him as he is and his current functioning is harmful to me so I have to leave him.

Part of me wishes I didn't have the awareness that I do now so I could go back into this familiar attachment. But I'm not blind to it now. Have you experienced this grief over people you lose as you get healthier? How do you cope with it?

hello all,

I left my qualifier ex partner 2 years ago. He got a lot sicker and then did something really harmful to me that caused me to go no contact and several weeks back he got back in touch with me to let me know he has been in recovery for most of the past year. Has been continuously sober for four months after a short relapse. He has not been doing any 12 step recovery.

I re engaged, i felt it was something i needed to explore i guess, and he came over to visit and stay with me for a couple of weeks.

I will say that he is a different person now. When I went no contact with him i was convinced that he was fully a clinical grade narcissist. I don't suspect that anymore although his adhd and autism is far more apparent. He pays attention to a healthy lifestyle, goes for runs eats healthy, does weekly counselling, journals, is setting boundaries with his social circle that is full of addicts. Is in the process of getting his driver's license back, which he lost 7 years ago to DUI and he has since been too addicted to save up the fees to do the courses to get it back. Still unemployed, spends lots of his time playing video games. I don't know, mixed bag, some signs of progress.

I think that emotionally he has a lot of work to do and I can't comprehend why he isn't in AA. But i'm aware that I can't make him work his program.

The major thing I struggled with was his invalidation of the trauma he caused me, which was significant, ptsd level stuff. Instead of taking full emotional responsibility for his actions, he has this litany of rationalizations - "I was very sick" "you had poor boundaries with me, you're codependent" "that was a different time I"m a different person now" "I was angry at you I felt that you didn't care about my feelings because I was an alcoholic" He literally said to me at one point "I think you're just on your period."

I have been working my own recovery in al anon and coda and I know that I don't have to let this person back into my life if I don't like how he treats me. I feel that his taking emotional responsibility for the impact of his actions, whatever his rationalizations, is like the bare minimum requirement for him to have any place in my life. Like i don't need to let the person who traumatized me back into my life when he rationalizes and invalidates my trauma.

For people with qs in recovery, I'm curious about your thoughts on what taking emotional responsibility for actions and harm caused looks like. My basic conceptualization of what I would need to see there is him witnessing my emotions without his reflex to impose cognitive strategies that assuage his emotional discomfort.

It seems to me that he has spent no time considering how his addiction affected me or other people. All of his time has gone to cognitive strategies to lessen his own guilt and shame.

any thoughts welcome thanks in advance