Is anyone else suffering of bad nightmares about their avoidant post breakup? I’m one month out from the breakup (he ended things). I have these awful nightmares that wake me up each night with my heart absolutely racing and beating out like crazy.
If you had these types of post breakup nightmares, how did you get through them/how long did they last?
I want to move on actively move on from my ex, but physically cannot. He seems a lot more capable in this sense. I've been told by people I talk to about the situation that I sound addicted to him. I also feel like the trauma from the Intermittent Reinforcement and the need for me to rationalize his DA behaviours/borderline emotional manipulation in the relationship make it harder for me to shake the grief. I've read on differentiation and how you need to focus on yourself. However, when I try to write a list of things I like to do or find joy in my days I struggle (other than when i'm hyperfixated on memories with my ex). I know I am stuck and I need a way forward. I don't want to be in this sadness and pain forever, even when I realize the relationship was not the most healthy and from the outside everyone seems to wonder why I didn't initiate the breakup with my ex for their unhealthy behaviours/how they treated me (they broke up with me). How do I move from regretful to thankful/acceptance.
First posted in r/Anxiousattachment - redirected here by a commenter.
I (F-AP) was broken up with approx. 1 month ago after 1.5 years of dating. My ex (M-DA) often experienced shutdowns when I expressed my emotions and/or needs, these shutdowns lasted a couple of days, during which he would pick up the phone only to tell me he didn't want to talk to me and needed "space." I still, now, feel highly responsible. I struggle to not blame myself for the relationship falling apart, especially for my inability to honour his boundary of space. I had such visceral reactions (i.e., nausea, puking, panic-spirals) to space/no contact. My anxious attachment was well under wraps for the first 6 to 8 months of the relationship - until he started to take space without indicating when he'd or if he'd return - this escalated my anxiety x1000. I was no longer able to manage and regulate myself. I didn't overflood him with messages, but often reached out in heavy tears. Over time, we both noticed that the pattern continued to accelerate and occur more frequently. Is it normal as an AP with a DA to feel like the sole responsibility of fixing the cycle sits with you because your emotions trigger the DA shutdowns, even when you try to express them in the most "secure" manner possible - would the DA always see it as an attack? I felt that as the AP, the success of the relationship was only on my shoulders and I was made to believe I was the one required to change. I blame myself for all the times I let my protests slip out and now I cannot stop ruminating on where I might have gone wrong and if I had been able to act differently would this have improved the relationship and/or his perspective of it. As the AP I always felt like I was trying to fix my issues for the DA, but that the DA wasn't trying to fix their issues for me.