Need help with a very codependent mom
I (41m) have always felt like every big decision I make had to be approved by my mom (64); not because I need her approval, but because she inserts herself into every decision and makes me feel like shit if I don't agree.
A little background... I am the middle child and had some mental health struggles growing up. In my mid-20s I realized that the feelings of hating my body stemmed from being trans. (I was assigned female at birth). When I told my parents there was a lot of disapproval. I finally said that if I didn't make changes I would end up ... Erm... Not being on earth.
My mom made it her personal mission from that moment on to hover constantly. If I said I was going on vacation she would invite herself. If I said no, she pulled the "you don't love me" bullshit. The hovering and constant need to interject in anything got worse as my dad's health failed.
Since his passing in 2021, she calls me everyday. If I don't answer she will continue to call and message me until I respond. If I say I don't feel like talking she gets mopey and says things like "so sorry for being a bother."
Recently I have started looking at jobs in different states. Anytime I bring up a location she makes it her mission to look up the crime rate, weather risks etc and says "we" wouldn't like it there. I have said she could stay in her current home since my older sister still lives here. Again I get the "you don't care about me" "just leave me here all alone" "are you trying to get away from me" "I'll just die and then you won't have to worry about me"
It goes without saying SHE needs counseling, medication, etc and has needed all of it my entire life but refuses.
The controlling and guilt tripping occurred while I was growing up as well and it wasn't until I started bringing her behaviors up in therapy that I learned it isn't normal.
Sorry that got long winded... I'm just looking for advice that isn't "just tell her no" because that won't work.
I included a screenshot of the message she sent me last night after I told her I applied for a position in Texas.