u/sawgriefdrinksorrow

Just to be clear: I understand why she pulled back. That's not really what this is about. It's about not knowing whether I should grieve this friendship or if I can do anything to save it.

About a year ago I (26M) got close to someone (let's call her A, 22F) from my friend group and we quickly became best friends: we talked all day, opened up about our traumatic pasts and were always there for each other. It really felt like the kind of connection that's supposed to end up becoming one of the most important ones in your life.

Long story short, it turns out she was talking to me that much out of guilt: she thought I would feel anxious if she were to be less present, and she forced herself to talk to me so that this wouldn't happen. And the truth is that she was right: I felt like shit because I do have anxious attachment, but I still accepted and encouraged her need for space.

Despite supporting this, I still felt like crap along the way: I would interpret her distance as disinterest, her silence as hate. Several times I actually brought this up, and she quickly (fairly) started getting exhausted by this.

This next event further destroyed my trust and hope in the relationship. At one point I noticed that A was on Discord with our friend group. I just had one of the episodes I just mentioned, so it kind of surprised me that she had screenshare on. Once I joined the call, I saw that she was streaming our private messages to our friends. I saw my messages forwarded in other chats and it seems she was telling pretty hurtful stuff about me to her girlfriend. I closed the call and actually had a complete emotional meltdown over that, I felt like I had been betrayed all along. She said it was an accident and that the others likely lied to her about the chat not being visible on screen. She said that these episodes exhausted her but still did not want to hurt me like that. This event felt genuinely traumatic and still haunts me months later, and I just don't know whether I should trust anyone in the group anymore.

In the coming months, I noticed that she was becoming even less available and I actually had one major breakdown and I distanced myself from her and the whole friend group for a few days. I did realize that I could not continue pestering her about distance and availability. I started working on myself once again, picked up a DBT self-help course, followed in the 12 steps codependence program and seriously apologized to her once I came back. She accepted the apology and seemed very content with me taking action to improve. I have not had one of these anxious episodes since then.

Still, it feels like none of what I've done actually matters for the friendship itself. She's becoming harder to reach, very emotionally unavailable, and I don't even know if she's talking to me because she wants to or because she feels forced to. It feels like she doesn't care about me anymore, sometimes even becoming visibly irritated when I say I'm going through a lot. I also feel like she never took accountability for that screenshare incident, along other similar incidents that I won't get into.

I just wish this relationship would improve and feel like it did before, but I don't even know where to start. Has anyone navigated anything like this? How can I have an honest conversation about this without her feeling like it's another of these episodes? It hurts so viscerally that I feel like it's time to go, but I just wish I could stay.

TL;DR: had a friendship that felt special. She gradually pulled away, one major incident destroyed my trust and despite putting in some serious work the connection keeps fading. I don't know whether this can be saved or if it's just time to let go.

Just to be clear: I understand why she pulled back. That's not really what this is about. It's about not knowing whether I should grieve this friendship or if I can do anything to save it.

About a year ago I (26M) got close to someone (let's call her A, 22F) from my friend group and we quickly became best friends: we talked all day, opened up about our traumatic pasts and were always there for each other. It really felt like the kind of connection that's supposed to end up becoming one of the most important ones in your life.

Long story short, it turns out she was talking to me that much out of guilt: she thought I would feel anxious if she were to be less present, and she forced herself to talk to me so that this wouldn't happen. And the truth is that she was right: I felt like shit because I do have anxious attachment, but I still accepted and encouraged her need for space.

Despite supporting this, I still felt like crap along the way: I would interpret her distance as disinterest, her silence as hate. Several times I actually brought this up, and she quickly (fairly) started getting exhausted by this.

This next event further destroyed my trust and hope in the relationship. At one point I noticed that A was on Discord with our friend group. I just had one of the episodes I just mentioned, so it kind of surprised me that she had screenshare on. Once I joined the call, I saw that she was streaming our private messages to our friends. I saw my messages forwarded in other chats and it seems she was telling pretty hurtful stuff about me to her girlfriend. I closed the call and actually had a complete emotional meltdown over that, I felt like I had been betrayed all along. She said it was an accident and that the others likely lied to her about the chat not being visible on screen. She said that these episodes exhausted her but still did not want to hurt me like that. This event felt genuinely traumatic and still haunts me months later, and I just don't know whether I should trust anyone in the group anymore.

In the coming months, I noticed that she was becoming even less available and I actually had one major breakdown and I distanced myself from her and the whole friend group for a few days. I did realize that I could not continue pestering her about distance and availability. I started working on myself once again, picked up a DBT self-help course, followed in the 12 steps codependence program and seriously apologized to her once I came back. She accepted the apology and seemed very content with me taking action to improve. I have not had one of these anxious episodes since then.

Still, it feels like none of what I've done actually matters for the friendship itself. She's becoming harder to reach, very emotionally unavailable, and I don't even know if she's talking to me because she wants to or because she feels forced to. It feels like she doesn't care about me anymore, sometimes even becoming visibly irritated when I say I'm going through a lot. I also feel like she never took accountability for that screenshare incident, along other similar incidents that I won't get into.

I just wish this relationship would improve and feel like it did before, but I don't even know where to start. Has anyone navigated anything like this? How can I have an honest conversation about this without her feeling like it's another of these episodes? It hurts so viscerally that I feel like it's time to go, but I just wish I could stay.

TL;DR: had a friendship that felt special. She gradually pulled away, one major incident destroyed my trust and despite putting in some serious work the connection keeps fading. I don't know whether this can be saved or if it's just time to let go.