r/toxicparents

I cannot believe I am typing this, but as I wait to speak to a therapist, my siblings and I (all adults) have nowhere else to go. Here it goes:

Growing up my parents have never had the best relationship and they would often get into heated verbal arguments and fights, and my siblings and I often thought they would be better off separated or with a divorce. Now more than 20 years later when most of the kids me included have left the house and we (siblings and dad) find out that my mom (34 at the time) cheated on my dad 20 years ago with my dad's own half-nephew (24 at the time) and even got pregnant with his baby and they got an abortion behind my dad's back. My dad even said my mom told him she was so in love with the nephew she was ready to have his baby if he was willing to marry her and she would leave behind me and my siblings (we would have been age 8 and under) and my dad to be with the nephew. Dad's nephew declined this "offer," hence the abortion.

It sounds like I am making it up typing it up but it's true. My dad is devastated and has slept only 12-13 hours the last week or so. They're tried going to marriage counseling but it seems my dad wants the divorce which is understandable. My mom is somewhat of narcissist and she apparently told me sister she is "always the one to dump people, not the other way around." She does not work/is a homemaker (which I know is a worthwhile path),but my dad has worked extremely hard to support our big family. Anytime I talk to my mom she brings up all of these excuses, like her sexual abuse as a child, my dad's cold and distant personality and overworking throughout the marriage as reasons that contributed to the cheating). I don't buy any of this. My siblings, dad and I have always felt bad for my mom because of her abuse background that happened when she was a child, but it's really hard to connect that to her actions she took as a married adult woman or even pity her. She claims that because she was an abuse victim, she has always chased love and affection (maybe also validation from men) as she lacked that growing up. I don't really know what to think or do. She sure didn't provide us with much love or affection growing up.

My siblings and i all found out about this over the phone, as we are quite far from home. Any advice is appreciated

I am a 17-year-old female. My parents have been my worst nightmare throughout my life.

So here is some backstory.

My father was a wrestler and then became a financier. He rose from poverty to the upper middle class on his own.

My mother was married off to my father when she was 18. She had me when she was 19. She got a government job 5 years ago.

My brother was born in 2011. He is the cutest, loveliest I know. We share a healthy relationship.

I was a very bright kid. I always stood in the top 3 of my classes. I was gifted with extraordinarily profound English. Teachers favoured me because my father lent money to the founder of the school. Since the beginning, my brother and I used to go to top-notch schools in our area.

My List of TRAUMAS

1. Our father forced my brother and me to run at least 4km and do other exercises when we were like 6 and 8. We were both not against physical activities, but he was very serious and aggressive about it. He used to hit us with sticks and legs when we did not run fast enough. No recovery period or holidays. We were forced into all of this every day for 3 hours after school. When I was 9, and my brother was 7, we came back from a trip. We were exhausted and thought that we could rest, but he still took us to the stadium. When he saw that we were not running fast enough, he took a stick and started beating us as if we did some horrible crime. Till this day, he boasts about the incident.
2. Our parents warned us that if we made any friends or even talked to someone unnecessarily, then we were to be punished. They even told us that teachers don't want our good, so we should only listen to them. Also, we should not talk to teachers about anything private. Only parents are the one whome you should tell everything. Even if they found out that I had brought a classmate's phone number to get some work, she would be monitoring every single word of the call.
3. I was very good at music. When I was in 5th grade, I was selected for the School's Music Club. My Music teacher was so sweet. He also started teaching me the harmonium. When my Mom got to know about this, she immediately called my teacher and told him not to take my music lessons as they had nothing to do with my future/ academics.
4. After I started going to school, my parents stopped making me wear any type of girly clothes like tops, skirts, etc. I wasn't even allowed to wear jeans. I was only allowed to wear pants, lowers, shorts and t-shirts from sports brands like Nike, Adidas, etc. Even in weddings, he would make us wear that. Even in school, they forced me to wear boys' clothes instead of girls'.
5. We were never allowed to socialise with kids in the neighbourhood or even our own cousins. Only 2-3 children were there who used to occasionally come to our house because their parents were friends with our parents.
6. My parents always controlled my hair length. Even though I was a girl, they used to get me a buzzcut. Even now, they force me to do it whenever the length of my hair crosses my ears. They would particularly get my hair cut when we had to go out on vacation or something. You cannot even imagine how bad and depressing it feels as a girl to never have long hair in your lifetime. The anxiety I experienced when I used to go to school after the haircut never became less traumatic. And when I say buzzcut, I mean it. They would say that she does sports, so it helps her with the heat and sweat. But for me, it was nothing like that. I was terribly shaken every time they did it to me.
7. They used to beat my brother and me and called it "dosage", which children need to stay in control.
8. We were not allowed to participate in most of the extracurricular activities after 4th standard. They even took me out of the annual function dance event the previous day, for which I had practised for weeks.
9. They used to overfeed us. They never wanted their children to look good. They just wanted their children to look healthy (fat) and build up. They had no concept of self-confidence for children
10. I scored a 100 in my Social Studies in the 10th Boards examination. I was very eager to pursue Archeology as my profession. But they already got my admission into a medical coaching institution so that I can study to get into medical college. A doctor has never been my dream. I argued, but they just told me that I live in this house and stay alive with their money. So Study. I was not good at science, but still I tried to make being a doctor my dream. Bout I could not. Then I failed the exam and decided to take a drop. Then the exam got cancelled and is happening again in a few days. Now they are telling me how I am lazy, and I should sacrifice my sleep and study all day and night.

These were just the broadest categories of trauma they gave me.

Recently, in a casual tone, I mentioned to my Father that I will wear whatever clothes I want and keep long hair when I become independent. It's been 7 days, and they still have not talked to me with a happy or normal face.

I will do everything to protect my brother. I will get out of this house soon by getting into medical college

I (adult F) grew up feeling like my mom never wanted me. She always wanted a boy, but instead had two girls first. My entire childhood she body shamed me, told me I’d never be worth anything, and acted like none of my relationships or accomplishments mattered.

Now that I’ve moved out, she’s started treating my younger sister the same way.

Recently, my sister called me upset. Our mom bought a car for my sister and our brother to share. They’re only a year apart and got their licenses around the same time, but my mom specifically waited until my brother was ready before getting the car.

The other day, my mom got mad at my sister for having her boyfriend over. During the argument, my sister called her a bitch. In response, my mom said the car they share is now “only your brother’s.” Not because of safety or responsibility—just out of anger.

I called my mom calmly to talk about it. I told her I didn’t think it was healthy to use possessions or threats to punish her kids when she’s angry, and that it felt like she was trying to provoke a reaction by taking the car away from my sister and giving it to my brother.

She told me it’s fine when my brother calls her a bitch, but it’s not fine when my sister does. I told her that’s clearly picking sides. She denied it.

What really got me is that she claimed my brother has never disrespected her. I’ve personally witnessed him scream in her face, call her names, and even say he hoped she would die. But she insists none of that ever happened and that only my sister and I have ever disrespected her.

At this point, I feel like I’m watching history repeat itself with my sister. I’m exhausted from a lifetime of emotional abuse, favoritism, and denial of reality.

Am I wrong for wanting to cut her off completely?

This is my first time posting on reddit and i am not sure which subreddit to post to.

I have lived quite a controlled life since i was a kid. Alot of my choices and now im realising my emotional responses too. I lost alot of friends because I was never able to leave the house outside going to school. I have never been to a birthday party or even got to go to school events that ran past 5(only exception was my prom but even then my father came and picked me up 2 hours before it ended) or go to sport matches. There was only 1 friend who i occasionally hung out with outside of school and that was allowed only because we were neighbors in our early childhood and our parents were well aquinted.

Also to preface i am now 20 turning 21 in less than 2 months. I am also now doing online college(not my choice nor am i allowed to switch degrees[thats another story in its own] ) so im either at home, or at work and church on Sundays. So as you can imagine ive been terribly lonely, lost quite a few friends these past 3 years after highschool too. I also have high functioning-GAD(generalized anxiety disoder) and have had bouts of depression as well so as you can guess its been quite a joyride(not).

So as of this year i decided to join the church youth ministry as a volunteer/leader. Its on friday evenings and i usually only get home at about 10. My father refused to transport me so my one friend and i uber there and we catch a ride with one of the other leaders home so we are in no way taking ubers home so late. My father was still quite against all of this but yeilded still(didnt stop him from yelling at me about the time and responsibilities when i go home) Anyways this has been the best decision i have made in years. I have been laughing and smiling more, its put me in positions where i have confronted my social anxiety. I have made so many friends and i have made a very nice circle of friends. Ive found a community of young adults which i didnt think i could find anytime soon. Ive been repairing my relationship with my younger sister ( due to circumstances and trauma i was not the most reliable oldest sister- i was emotionally drained 8 out of 10 times) I have refound my love for creative hobbies(writing, poetry and drawing)

Soooo heres the issue. Over this weekend my father just dropped the bomb that he forbids me from going anymore. The only explanation is its not safe anymore which ahs been a line ive been fed on the many nights after youth. Note there is hired security on church grounds until the last person has left(which is usually us as the person who gives us a ride helps with set down and we ensures that everyone of the youth has left the property-beggers cant be choosers, i cant rush anyone). I remember freezing in that moment and just nodding my head, because that is what i have been conditioned to unfortantely. I couldnt react because in that moment i had so much to do, but i was slowly breaking inside. I remember finishing what was needed to be done, going into my room and buring myself in the blankets. I cried, oh how i cried. I felt like my life was being ripped from me because why cant i just have one thing? ONE?

And now i dont know what to do. I cant talk to him about it because he is not a man you can reason with and idont have any other family member to cry to. As the oldest sister im all own when it comes to my emotions and confronting situations.

Any advice? This may be a control issue. My father seems to want to control every aspect of my life and right now i am walking outside of that box. idk, All i know is that anything i do may lead to more damage emotionally/ mentally but i really dont want to stop living my life.

I'm so tired right now and I will not give context to the reasons of our issues. I'm a young female. I pretended to fall down after she beat me and she and the rest of the family just passed by my supposedly unconscious self like nothing (I mean idk it wasn't like the real thing obviously I can't replicate going mute or fainting perfectly but still I was in a shitty situation to be in and they do not care). If you watched aot, it was similar to the moment ymir fritz fell from the spear and fritz still told her to get up. My mom did just that, after I woke up I pretended to go mute and everyone believed me I guess. They thought it was not permanent and kept talking about how it was all my fault. I gave her a paper saying I could not speak and she looked at me in disgust. Later I was crying and sobbing and begging her to treat me like a human being. Went as far as squeezing my hands to my throat while looking at her and choking. Still, nothing. Called her ex husband aka my dad crying about how she does everything for us and I am ungrateful and disobedient. I won't lie, I threatened her with some heavy shit that I would do to her which I was not obviously not going to, and I said that cuz she pushed me to the edge. I would scream and shriek and my neurodivergant brother would panic and she would yell at him and my other brother to "Don't expect me to fear this animal. DONT BE SCARED OF HER!" While terrorizing me and beating me. Does my mother even love me? I know she's not a narcissist, but she's so traumatized and messed up in the head.

For more context. I'm told by people that my reactions are always overboard. I guess it is because of what I'm feeling and that don't think before I speak. Probably some personality disorder as well. So the reason they did not care is that I usually react strongly to things and I have been for as long as the abuse has been happening.

I wanted to ask this as I saw there hasn't been a question like this for a bit in the sub (at least that I could find). I'm at this point with both parents where I am unsure what my relationship will look like with them moving forward. I have been diagnosed with CPTSD and am also autistic and found out as an adult. I know that my parents are unhealthy people but I still have guilt/feel bad around thinking they're toxic but there's part of me that believes that's definitely the case.

How did you guys come to the realization that your parents are toxic? What did you do about it? What did you do if you felt like you 'had' to stay in good standings with them? I feel kind of lost right now and overwhelmed, so anything is helpful.

Im a 17 year old girl. For context, me and my mom lived together alone for years while my dad worked abroad. I used to be very close to him and adored him till i caught him cheating on my mom by catching him using dating apps. at the time i was like 10 or so. I told my mom and she didnt do anything.

Even tho my dad lives abroad he still visits once a year in the summer. During covid my parents got divorced for like a 2 years before they unfortunately got back together. I still till this day don’t even know why they got divorced but during this period my mom was miserable and i was only 12 when she told me that my dad used to cheat on her before i was even born.

I hated him and cut him off but when my mom remarried him i was forced to rekindle my relationship with him. Like i said im now 17 and my dad stopped working due to old age so ofc he had to come live with us now. It has only been a few weeks and i hate it sm. My mom is such a pick me around him and it grosses me out sm because he is a damn CHEATER why doesn’t she care??? She is always picking his side at everything. Now comes the part that im here for.

A few days ago i was sitting with my parents and i was discussing w them that i don’t plan on getting married because men this generation suck and i gave an example by saying “alot of men don’t even know that rape can still exist in a marriage” when i said this, my dad started laughing and said “im gonna rape u and ur mom”

i was in shock and so disgusted. My mom just giggled at his joke and istg that night i sobbed till my eyes were so swollen it hurt to blink. I have always felt my dad was kinda of a perv (not necessarily towards me but just in general) but this was so weird. I get that it was a joke but it wasn’t funny and i felt so guilty for staying quite. i spent the days after that locked in my room not able to look him in the eyes and praying for him to leave the house.

They noticed i was miserable and instead of being compassionate they cut ME off because according to them “im not being a good daughter”. Today, my dad went outside to watch a football match at a cafe. I finally went to my mom to talk to her abt that joke dad said and (ofcourse) she defended him by saying im mentally ill and that it was a harmless joke, he is just my dad after all. She started yelling at me like crazy even tho i was being calm and told me im dramatic. When things calmed down tho she said i should talk to him when he comes back, i only asked of her to be by my side because im not at fault for being uncomfortable and u should have been uncomfortable too.

When my dad came back an hour later tho she beat me to it and told him, needless to say she wasn’t by my side and was just sucking up to him. Now he is the one upset with me and didn’t even bother apologizing. Am i being dramatic? I don’t know what to do. I feel so lonely and i cant speak abt this with anyone ik irl, also i want to say I don’t actually think he would ever do anything to me (atleast i hope not) but it doesn’t change the fact i was uncomfortable. Being molested or sexually assaulted has always been a fear of mine too. Plz help me. Idk if im overreacting or not

I 18F am not in a good home situation and have not been for about 2 years. My mother is very rude and uninterested in my life. My dad on the other hand is very nice and supportive but we have our differences sometimes. Anyways now onto the question, i really want to ask my grandpa for the info to my savings account (its been set up since i was a kid and the earliest i could open it was 18) I just turned 18 in april and i want the money to move out. The problem is I'm VERY nervous to ask because im sure he will contact my mom and tell her, if he did i already know her questions. "why would you need that" , "why do you want to leave" etc. ANYTIME i tell her something she does bothers me it always somehow gets turned on me. i'm currently looking for a job just in case. My boyfriend and his parents say "youre 18 they CANNOT stop you from moving out/getting the money" im just scared of the actions of asking.

1. He faked dying and I was so scared that I started to panic and sob, then when he became “alive” he just laughed. - I was so young maybe like 6.

2. He acted as if he was my baby and I was his mother. “How much do you love me? Come on kiss my cheek!” etc, but that made me feel like I have to take control in everything and that I can’t be comforted. (It’s hard to explain it)

3. Stared at women in public in front of my mom and me. Without any shame. And somehow I always thought if I send my body pictures to random strangers I’ll be loved and get the attention I never got.

4. Once my mother was crying because my wonderful dad cheated for the 102993939th time and he was smirking the whole time, and the young me was scared and didn’t know what to do.

5. Made fun of me in so many ways. He ALWAYS told me to look at my feet while walking, so when I’m old my feet will stay straight. (It was always straight)

6. No healthy boundaries, like he touched my thighs and got higher and I don’t know what would happen if I didn’t stop him. (His father literally said he’d eat me) ….

Thanks for reading..

My mom casually threatens to kill us during arguments and I don’t know what to do anymore

Body:
I’m still a minor and honestly I’m exhausted. Earlier, a really small inconvenience happened between my parents and my mom suddenly started saying things like:

“If I ever lose my mind, I’ll make sure to come after all of you.”
“You don’t really go to jail if a mentally unstable person kills someone, right?”

My dad even responded with “murder?” and she said yes.

This isn’t the first time she’s said violent things when angry, but hearing it so casually is terrifying. I didn’t record it this time, but I probably will if it happens again because I genuinely don’t feel safe sometimes.

I don’t know if she actually means it or if she just says things out of anger, but living in an environment like this is mentally draining, especially as a minor. I just want advice from people who’ve experienced something similar. How do you cope with this? And when do threats become something you should seriously act on?

So when I visited the dentist like a year ago, he mentioned that I should get a consultation about braces. He said, "Right now, it's simply a cosmetic issue since your teeth are pretty crooked and you have an overbite. But it could evolve to something worse if you don't get braces."
I mentioned it to my dad, and he said "No, you aren't getting braces if you dont absolutely need them." Mind you, he is FIFTY THREE FUCKING YEARS OLD. And he had to get braces because he didnt take care of his own teeth!
Well guess what? Last dentist appointment the dentist said "Hey, at this point it's evolved to a worse issue and you need braces. Go into an orthadontist and get a consultation." Mentioned it to my mom, she was fully onboard. But when we went to my dad again, he said no. I said "If its a financial issue, I'll wait until we have the money to get them." AND THAT BITCH HAD THE AUDACITY TO SAY,
"You say it as if its YOUR choice!" ITS MY MOUTH.
My adult teeth are feeling loose, my mouth feels crowded, I KNOW its because I need braces. But he doesn't give two shits. Please help me...

I am so done with life. I try to stay motivated, but I don’t think I can anymore not in this house. These constant fights and abuse are too much, and I don’t think I can handle them anymore. I’ve been crying every day for months. My face doesn’t even look the same anymore. I’ve gained weight, and I feel horrible.

Sorry for the rant, but I don’t have anyone else to talk to. I don’t have friends anymore, and I can’t keep relying on my partner for everything. He has a life of his own too. I can’t call him early in the morning every time just because I need someone to talk to.

This all feels so unfair. I’ve done everything right, been a good child, studied hard, got a good job and these fights aren’t even about me. My parents keep fighting, and my mom has completely lost control. I just can’t take it anymore.

I'm 16F and I know it might seem like a silly question but I genuinely feel like I need to ask this. My dad doesn't think it's a problem but I feel scared and confused about what happened.

Here's what went down. I was basically half asleep through all of this because I hadn't slept in two days and they woke me up super early to do something. At first my dad was calm, trying to get me out of bed, but then he snapped. He started yelling "the fuck are you lying there pretending to sleep" and kept hitting my arm with his palm. I didn't try to block it at first because I thought he'd stop after one or two hits, but he didn't. So I started hitting his arm back to defend myself. Obviously my hits were way weaker. Then he pulled me down off the bed, took my blanket, and said he'd make me listen to him no matter what. He grabbed me from behind, and when I asked why he was hitting me and told him to let go, he said I was hitting him too. Like he thinks we're equal now or something. Then he started saying shit like "go ahead, hit your father" while holding both my arms really tight and using one of my hands to repeatedly slap himself in the face. I was in shock. I stopped fighting back and just kept telling him he was doing it to himself and that he was being crazy. And for some reason I started crying. In my family adults always love asking why I'm crying like it's something I do on purpose. I try so hard not to cry, to keep it together, but sometimes I just can't.

He only stopped when my mom walked into the room because my little sister was crying from fear. My mom told him to stop and that my sister was scared. But my sister had been telling him to stop from the very beginning, he just ignored her. After that he started badmouthing me to my mom, something like I kept saying that he hit me, like he didn't actually do it. I said something rude back, which I immediately regretted. Then they were all "disappointed" and shocked at how I talked back to my father. After everything my heart was pounding like crazy. I was breathing so loud and I seriously felt like my heart was gonna jump out of my chest. At first I thought maybe I was overreacting, like maybe it wasn't *that* bad. But later I saw red marks, scratches, and bruises on my arms, and my whole body was sore. And two days later it still hurts.

The worst part is he genuinely doesn't think he did anything wrong. He's done stuff like this ever since I was little whenever I did something "wrong" or pissed him off. But whenever I bring it up and tell him I was scared of him, he completely denies it and says he "never laid a hand" on his kids and was a great father. When he yells it's like he's not talking to his daughter like I'm some random person off the street. There's no warmth or empathy in his eyes and some of the stuff he says genuinely freaks me out. Last September he even said they should've raised us to be afraid of them and that he should've hit us more. Like he didn't already. And whenever I try to say something back, my mom cuts me off. I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.

Me, W(19) and my boyfriend who left recently for the military, M(18) have had little over a year long relationship and still do. Before my boyfriend left and before my parents found out anything, we were sexually active- we were very careful too, making sure we did everything right. My parents are both religious and very traditional so I was hiding this from them because I was worried once they found out they would shun me out of their life and see me lowly, which my mom has expressed if she found out what she would think (,so it’s not me overthinking).
Before my boyfriend left for the military, we were intimate, and we were also intimate two months before that. After that he left and I had very little contact with him. Once he left I started to realize that it hurt when I pee a lot, including that I realized that the whole month in between me and my bf having sex- I didn’t have my period. I kept all this too myself for 3-4 days after he left because I was too scared to tell my parents. The UTI infection though started to get worse and hurt a lot more. I called my mom one morning, crying telling her that peeing hurt really bad. I was also surprised if it was due to having sex because another bad habit I did have was holding in my pee for too long. So I really thought it was that but I didn’t want my mom to think the wrong way.
Later that day she kept asking me if I was sexually active which I said no to- then she started to say “I will find out eventually so you should tell me” “if you tell me I won’t be mad I’ll just think about it” things to almost reassure me to say something. That’s when I gave in.
I told my mom I was sexually active and she got furious. I trusted her with this information because just for a moment I thought she would’ve been a bit more comforting in this situation. I asked her not to tell my dad and she told me she promised she wouldn’t even if she was very mad
She told him later that day
My dad wasn’t as mad as my mom but they are both very dissatisfied and disappointed in me. I’m in college, I’m working towards a bachelors, I have a future I want to set up for myself. And some reason they think because I was intimate that defines me as someone who has less value. My mom constantly telling me “I can’t believe you did this, you betrayed me, you ruined everything with your boyfriend, you are never allowed to see him again. “
Mind you this was after and before the pregnancy test I took out of caution even though I strongly knew I wasn’t pregnant. Yes it was negative
I feel like I ruined everything. Not with my boyfriend cause he has no idea but with my parents and their expectations, I know they are harsh but I still have that soft spot in my heart for them that aches due to the fact that they see me as less just because I wanted to be active.
Since I live under their house I have no idea if they will let me see my boyfriend as he graduates from certain stages of the military. These experiences don’t make me love my boyfriend any less but rather put a weight on my shoulders that worries me of the future to come.
Will things get better? I hate everything right now and I feel so stupid for believing my mom would comfort me during a time like that. I could’ve handled it all on my own. Instead I told her and she now thinks I’m a disgrace. What do I do and how do I combat all these thoughts now.
I hate myself

i don’t even see him as a dad. he never showed me any affection and he never taught me anything. he always acted like a baby and even the thought of talking to him pisses me off. i haven’t talked to him in months and i don’t answer his calls or messages. (my parents are divorced btw) i don’t know if it’ll change anything but i’m 16. and he was a cheater which caused them to divorce. anyway, i fucking hate him and i wish he wasn’t my dad. i’m wondering if that’s normal?

My relationship with my mom or sibling has never been supportive or just loving. Too many incidents to quote but the recent one. We had to move in immediately to a new house else we’d be homeless. My sibling lives far while me and mom live together. She and I went for house hunts, did all the grunt work— a LOT OF paperwork which was extremely twisted for me to understand. Had zero support from the sibling. This whole ordeal took two months during which I lost a lot of work because of paucity of time.

When we finalised the house mom was short of money so I gave all of my savings without a second thought because in my head it was everyone’s home. And everyone would step in to help in any way possible.

Days passed by, the sibling did not show up— neither personally nor emotionally. No guidance also from their end— they’re older to me, could’ve helped with guidance at least. On the other hand, mother keeps playing the widow victim card and yearning for my sibling in front of other WHILE I am handling everything. All of the paperwork, the running around, the deal, household chores alongside my work which still is in a slump.

The sibling did not show up until 15 minutes before moving into the new house. I am not exaggerating. I did the whole moving-packing too. They just showed up. And after moving in, they’ve been showing up every weekend…where TH were they before this?

Even after moving in some work was pending and I left for a two week work trip. In my absence, none of them got ANYTHING done. NOTHING AT ALL! The wiring is still lose, the retaining wall is a mess, water connectivity still an issue. Even something as menial as buying toilet paper has been delayed.

And my mom wants to do a 50-50.

At this point I am broke. All of my savings are gone, I’ve suffered the loss of new clients because of the time this whole thing demanded—which is 60% loss of what I currently make. Ideally, she should either return my money I. 6 months. While it still is in its real value or increase my share.

I feel like a complete villain for saying this. But when this all started, I had no such intent. With time, seeing them throw everything on me, showing up nowhere, brining me down in front of others, being unfair to me feels like the final nail in the coffin.

She’s dependent on me to the extent of expecting me to make meals after an entire day of work while she just lies in bed all day. Does not step out of the house unless I am.

I’m a 25-year-old guy from India and honestly I feel mentally exhausted and trapped in my own house.

For years my home has felt emotionally toxic and unstable because of my mother’s behavior. She constantly fights, verbally abuses, manipulates situations, creates chaos in the house, and then flips the story to make herself look like the victim.

I have a 10-year-old younger sister and most of the time I feel like I’m standing in the middle trying to protect her emotionally and physically whenever things get bad at home. Whenever my mother gets angry, she removes that anger on my little sister too. If I step in and try to stop the situation, my mother starts blaming me instead.

There have been situations where my mother tried hitting me or creating physical chaos during arguments. The only thing I’ve done is hold her hands to stop her from hitting me or my sister and protect both of us from the situation escalating. But after that, she calls her friends or other people and tells them things like “my son hit me,” completely twisting what actually happened and making me look abusive when I was literally trying to protect myself and my sister.

She has also called the police to the house three different times during arguments.

The thing is, I have no father in the picture. I’m the only male figure in the house. I’m the only breadwinner. I’m the one earning money, supporting the house financially, taking care of responsibilities, and trying to keep things together while also dealing with this mentally every single day.

At one point things got so bad that I left home for 6 months because staying there was destroying me mentally. During those months away, my mother eventually contacted me again saying she needed my help financially and needed me back home.

Before I returned, she promised me a lot of things:
- that she wouldn’t interfere in my life,
- that she wouldn’t verbally abuse me,
- that she would listen calmly,
- that she would stop fighting every day,
- that she would let me focus on my work and life peacefully.

For about two weeks after I came back, things felt normal.

Then slowly everything went back to exactly how it used to be.

Daily arguments.
Manipulation.
Verbal abuse.
Blaming.
Creating scenes.
Emotionally controlling everyone in the house.

I work in a creative field and honestly I feel like this environment has slowly destroyed my peace of mind, my motivation, and my creativity over the years. I feel emotionally numb sometimes. I feel guilty for even wanting to leave because my little sister is still here and I worry about what she will go through if I’m not around.

At the same time, staying here feels like it’s mentally destroying me.

I genuinely don’t know what the right decision is anymore.

Do I leave and finally protect my own mental health and future?
Or do I stay because I feel responsible for my little sister and the entire house?

I feel like a middleman stuck in a war that never ends.

Has anyone else dealt with a toxic or narcissistic parent while also being the only responsible person in the family? How did you decide what to do?

Since childhood I loved drawing it is one of my favorite hobby and she is aware about it and ofcourse she hated it cause she think I am not so good at it I didn't care about her opinion and draw alot, one day I come home and find out she tore all my drawings and gave my drawing copies to my small brother she loves so much when I confronted her and asked why she didn't care enough to ask me before tearing all those art of mine she just replied that those drawings were ugly and my brother needed some papers to scrabble on(forgive me for my bad grammar)

I’m considering cutting off my relationship with my parents while still allowing them to have whatever relationship they want with my children.

My mother is deeply toxic and manipulative, especially financially. She plays the victim constantly, uses people around her, and then paints herself as the injured party when confronted.

Growing up, I thought my parents were great. My mom was heavily involved in my and my sister’s lives, especially with sports, and despite not having much money, we always had what we needed. I later realized almost everything came from my grandparents, not my parents.

Looking back, there were warning signs. After my great-grandfather died, my mother quickly moved my great-grandmother into our home, then shortly after moved us into a much larger house financed largely by my great-grandmother’s money.

The real problems surfaced during college. I believed my parents and grandparents were helping pay for school, and my mother had me sign “overpayment” checks from the university over to her. Years later, I discovered those were actually student loan refund checks tied to loans she had taken out in my name without my knowledge. She pocketed the money while I unknowingly accumulated massive debt.

Around the same time, I learned she had also forged my name on a loan against my car, which was nearly repossessed due to missed payments. When confronted, she accused me and my grandmother of “plotting against her.”

Meanwhile, my parents eventually lost the house they had effectively financed with my great-grandmother’s money. She ended up in public housing and died with almost nothing.

Despite all this, I forgave my mother because I wanted to preserve the family. She promised to repay the loans.

Years later, after I’d built a successful career and family, I found out she had simply kept my student loans deferred as long as possible while missing payments and letting interest explode. My wife and I discovered this while applying for a mortgage and learning my credit score had dropped into the 400s.

That was the first time I truly snapped. Her actions were no longer just hurting me — they were hurting my wife and child too.

We stopped speaking for about a year, during which she spread rumors around town claiming I was angry because she’d helped my sister more financially than me. Eventually, I reconciled again for the sake of family and my kids.

But the pattern never changed.

My parents are low-effort grandparents who only seem interested when attention is directed at them. They constantly criticize how much time we spend with my in-laws, despite the fact that my in-laws consistently show up for our kids while my parents rarely do. Every attempt to include them in trips or family activities becomes exhausting because my mother finds ways to derail plans or manufacture obstacles.

The final straw was Mother’s Day.

We spent over $150 on gifts and dinner for my mother, despite the fact that she skipped my daughters’ soccer games earlier that day for flimsy reasons. During dinner, she passive-aggressively complained about a family trip we’d mentioned but never finalized. The truth is she never wanted to go — she has a long history of sabotaging trips by creating impossible demands and then acting disappointed when plans fall apart.

When I finally told her, “You didn’t want to go,” she shut down and ignored me for the rest of dinner. And once again, she consumed emotional energy that should have gone toward my wife and kids.

I’m exhausted.

This is only scratching the surface, but at this point I genuinely want to sever ties for my own peace. I would never stop my daughters from having a relationship with their grandparents, but honestly, my parents already seem to be drifting away from them anyway.

I’m sorry if this is long, or confusing. My emotions are all over the place at the moment, but I’m hoping getting them out will help some.

In late 2020 my child (now 17) moved out of state to live with their bio dad. Due to Covid and money constraints we weren’t really able to visit much, but we texted, called, and FaceTimed regularly. In 2023 they moved to a different state. My child constantly had reactions on their phone, including not being able to text or call me, so I had to call my ex’s phone. My child never indicated there were any problems, which I later found out was being their dad made them sit in the same room while they talked to me. My ex kept telling me things were good, child was doing well in school, etc. Throughout the time they were away my husband made multiple attempts to reach out, but never got a response, even when I knew my child had their phone. They would still talk when we called. We would later find out that my ex had blocked my husband on their phone, which actually led to my child thinking he hated them. I would also later find out that my 14 year old was left home alone for 4 days while my ex went to a music festival in another state. The trip was supposed to be 3 days (which is still not okay to leave them home alone), but they decided to stay an extra day to do shrooms (he has told me this himself). I also found out that during this time the restrictions on my child’s phone would only allow them to contact their father or his wife. He is also a yeller. He will put you down over the littlest thing, and go out of his way to make you feel like shit. This is why we divorced, however, he was never like that with the kids, he was always a loving father, so I didn’t expect it to be happening. Boy was I wrong.

Reasons for losing their phone? *Their SIBLING told them to call CPS, my child didn’t even respond. *They were late for school. Why were they late? They had to walk the 2 miles to school, while their physical health was so bad they were walking with a cane. *They didn’t turn in an assignment and got a 0 on it. The paper was done, but they forgot it at home, and my ex wouldn’t take it to the school (he was not working) because “it’s your responsibility”, which I do understand, but our child does have a chronic condition that messes with their memory.

In December of 2023 my child ran away. They were eventually found by the cops and taken home. My child begged the cop to listen, but was told they were just being dramatic. Once the cop left the yelling and name calling started. The next day (Tuesday) when my child came downstairs they were told that they were ruining his marriage. His wife also informed my 15 year old that because of them she wanted to unalive herself. Who says that to a child? (I could go on about the things she has done and said about/to my kids, but that would be even more of a novel). My child (the baby) was always the sweetest, most loving kid. They were well behaved, and loved school.

That same Tuesday I woke up to a voicemail stating that they would be here Saturday to drop off my child because they were no longer welcome in his home. At the time I had whooping cough and was incredibly sick, so I was only partially aware of what was going on. I had spoken to the cops when they were looking for my child, and once they were home my ex let me know, but ignored my calls.

When my child got back they were very reclusive, and barely left the room or talked to us. They didn’t talk to me much. I found out this was because my ex and his wife had told them that we didn’t want them back here. I assured my child that I wanted them home with me more than anything, and the only reason I hadn’t tried sooner was because their dad made it out like they were doing great. I got them into therapy, and they are doing much better. We hang out, they hang out with my husband, with friends, with their siblings. Their smile is as bright as it was when they were a little kid. And, after 6 doctors and specialists we finally have answers about their health, and they are doing much better. My ex hasn’t spoken to my child since they moved back, except the generic holiday texts he sends all of the kids. He also hasn’t paid a penny in child support since our divorce 9 years ago - I’m in the process of getting enforcement involved. My husband is also in the process of adopting my child (they are the only minor of the 3, though he plans to adopt the other 2 if they want). When I brought up the adoption to my ex he instantly agreed to sign away his rights. Not even the slightest hesitation.

All of this came up because they wrote an essay for their English class about the night they ran away, and they asked me to edit it. There was so much in there that I didn’t know about. By the end I was full on bawling. My husband got home from work while I was reading and ran to my side to find out what was wrong, because I was honestly a blubbering mess.

I take solace in the fact that my child is happy, and on the way to healthy. But I will never forgive my ex for what he put our child through. I will always carry a guilt in my heart for not doing something, though my child keeps reminding me that I didn’t know, and I tell them mom guilt is a hell of a thing.

If you’ve read this far, thank you. It ended up much longer than I expected!