I am finally happy and its being taken away
This is my first time posting on reddit and i am not sure which subreddit to post to.
I have lived quite a controlled life since i was a kid. Alot of my choices and now im realising my emotional responses too. I lost alot of friends because I was never able to leave the house outside going to school. I have never been to a birthday party or even got to go to school events that ran past 5(only exception was my prom but even then my father came and picked me up 2 hours before it ended) or go to sport matches. There was only 1 friend who i occasionally hung out with outside of school and that was allowed only because we were neighbors in our early childhood and our parents were well aquinted.
Also to preface i am now 20 turning 21 in less than 2 months. I am also now doing online college(not my choice nor am i allowed to switch degrees[thats another story in its own] ) so im either at home, or at work and church on Sundays. So as you can imagine ive been terribly lonely, lost quite a few friends these past 3 years after highschool too. I also have high functioning-GAD(generalized anxiety disoder) and have had bouts of depression as well so as you can guess its been quite a joyride(not).
So as of this year i decided to join the church youth ministry as a volunteer/leader. Its on friday evenings and i usually only get home at about 10. My father refused to transport me so my one friend and i uber there and we catch a ride with one of the other leaders home so we are in no way taking ubers home so late. My father was still quite against all of this but yeilded still(didnt stop him from yelling at me about the time and responsibilities when i go home) Anyways this has been the best decision i have made in years. I have been laughing and smiling more, its put me in positions where i have confronted my social anxiety. I have made so many friends and i have made a very nice circle of friends. Ive found a community of young adults which i didnt think i could find anytime soon. Ive been repairing my relationship with my younger sister ( due to circumstances and trauma i was not the most reliable oldest sister- i was emotionally drained 8 out of 10 times) I have refound my love for creative hobbies(writing, poetry and drawing)
Soooo heres the issue. Over this weekend my father just dropped the bomb that he forbids me from going anymore. The only explanation is its not safe anymore which ahs been a line ive been fed on the many nights after youth. Note there is hired security on church grounds until the last person has left(which is usually us as the person who gives us a ride helps with set down and we ensures that everyone of the youth has left the property-beggers cant be choosers, i cant rush anyone). I remember freezing in that moment and just nodding my head, because that is what i have been conditioned to unfortantely. I couldnt react because in that moment i had so much to do, but i was slowly breaking inside. I remember finishing what was needed to be done, going into my room and buring myself in the blankets. I cried, oh how i cried. I felt like my life was being ripped from me because why cant i just have one thing? ONE?
And now i dont know what to do. I cant talk to him about it because he is not a man you can reason with and idont have any other family member to cry to. As the oldest sister im all own when it comes to my emotions and confronting situations.
Any advice? This may be a control issue. My father seems to want to control every aspect of my life and right now i am walking outside of that box. idk, All i know is that anything i do may lead to more damage emotionally/ mentally but i really dont want to stop living my life.