u/iamweirdhehh

I am so mesed up because of my parents i have become toxic i am unnecessarily fighting with my partner he is nothing but understanding but in the end ofcourse he gets hurt i am so done with myself i cant anymore i feel so stupid for treating him so bad he said that we should just take an hour space and talk with each other or we will keep fighting but i cant do space i dont feel nice i end up having panic attack and cry a lot but i pushed his buttons and now that i have ruined everything i dont want to talk to anyone i hardly have 2 friends i just want to uninstall instagram and talk to no one for days i am just done with this life Correct the grammar

I wish I could control my emotions and not feel so much all the time because of my dysfunctional house. I don’t feel good anyway, but nowadays I’m just constantly sad. Nothing makes me happy anymore literally nothing. In fact, I wake up and don’t even give myself a chance. I’m just frustrated and sad.

My previous therapist said I had generalized anxiety disorder, but before we could continue more sessions, I had to stop seeing her because she wasn’t helping me. I have another psychiatrist now, and you know what the scariest part is? What if she examines me and tells me there’s nothing wrong with me that it’s just stress and the effects of living in such a household? Then what would explain my behavior? I’m sure something is wrong with me, because if not, then I’m just straight-up toxic. That thought is really sad.

I am so done with life. I try to stay motivated, but I don’t think I can anymore not in this house. These constant fights and abuse are too much, and I don’t think I can handle them anymore. I’ve been crying every day for months. My face doesn’t even look the same anymore. I’ve gained weight, and I feel horrible.

Sorry for the rant, but I don’t have anyone else to talk to. I don’t have friends anymore, and I can’t keep relying on my partner for everything. He has a life of his own too. I can’t call him early in the morning every time just because I need someone to talk to.

This all feels so unfair. I’ve done everything right, been a good child, studied hard, got a good job and these fights aren’t even about me. My parents keep fighting, and my mom has completely lost control. I just can’t take it anymore.

My mom often shouts and says hurtful things, even though most of her anger is actually meant for my dad. Somehow, I end up getting hurt by it too. She never lets me speak because she worries my dad might use my words against me, so in a way, she thinks she’s protecting me.

Afterwards, she vents to me about everything she’s feeling, and I don’t mind listening because I understand she has suffered through more than 25 years of a difficult marriage. But what frustrates me is that she never really listens to how I feel.

In the end, she asks me things like, “Why don’t you smile?” or “Why are you always so gloomy, like you’re carrying the burden of a hundred people? Let it go and be happy.” And honestly, it feels both ironic and frustrating.

I understand that my dad was never good to her, and now she’s finally letting all those emotions out. But sometimes I wonder ,at what cost?

Because of all the toxicity in this house, I hate what I’ve become. I don’t even recognize myself anymore. It feels like I’m turning into a damaged piece of something that was once whole. Every argument, every harsh word, every bit of negativity has slowly chipped away at me, and now I’m left feeling emotionally exhausted and broken.