r/lostafriend

My ex best friend reached out to me tonight saying that she wanted to “right her wrongs”, she apologized to me asking for forgiveness and she wanted “to discuss things and move on”. It appeared she also wanted to reconcile to some degree.

She hasn’t been very kind to me since the pandemic. She threatened to end our friendship over minor things such as not doing a thing she wanted to do, such as hanging out in certain places despite my schedule and at the time being very poor at driving. She also would cancel plans last minute that we both made to hang out to hang out with her partner at the time several times.

One of the reasons she told that she decided to “break up” the friendship was because she blamed me for not getting over being sexually assaulted and having my assaulter try to go after her after she tried to protect me. While I appreciate her sticking up for me, I was extremely hurt when she told me to “get over it”.

She added that she was going through a lot at the time: a friend’s death, her parents divorce and some issues with financial stability, but also told me that she has a “fuck ton” of friends now. I told her that I didn’t want to reconnect for now and she said she understood.

I’m so hurt and confused. Why is she reaching out now? Is she being genuine, or she trying to guilt/manipulate me? Am I doing the right thing by distancing myself from her?

through my struggles with cptsd, I self-isolate a lot due to shame. it feels safer to be alone when it feels like being perceived means you have to put on a performance. at the same time, i do realize though that healing doesn’t happen in isolation, so i’m trying to reach out to friends to hang out, but i don’t find everyone safe.

unfortunately it seems i misjudged our friendship and her capacity to hold me. i thought we had a mutual relationship where we shared our struggles and highlights. the last time we hung out she seemed happy and like she had a good time.

but it turns out she thinks i’m too much. i didn’t realize she felt burdened by me. i had reached out several times over the past few months to ask how she was doing and wish her happy new year and happy birthday but she seemed busy whenever i did. i had a feeling and asked her straight up “can i ask if you’re feeling a type of way towards me and you just don’t want to see me? i’m feeling confused” and the reply she sent me felt so jarring and shocking.

“Hi, I love and care for you a lot. I appreciate you and our friendship.

I also think you’ve been struggling for a while and our friendship tends to orbit around your problems.

I’m busy and trying to protect my time and emotional energy. Obviously I don’t want you to feel resentful, so I want to return your stuff. But I’m not interested in hanging out in the immediate future. I hope you take this without a sense that I’m being mean but as a way to understand how you interact with your friends.

I’m sorry I can’t be there for you.

I wish I had more emotional capacity, but you have been in the same emotional vortex without concrete steps to draw boundaries for many years, so I’m drawing my own. I really hope you feel better”

😦😭

i’m not one to argue so i responded: “i hear you, and i appreciate your honesty. i do carry a lot of shame around how much i’ve been struggling, and it’s something i’m actively trying to work on but am admittedly slow on.

at the same time, it’s hard and hurtful to be described as being in an emotional vortex. i’m also sad to hear that our friendship felt like it revolved around my problems—that wasn’t my intention, but i understand that the impact may have landed differently for you.

i really do value our friendship, but i respect your need for space and won’t push beyond that”

i’m devastated though. i feel judged and mischaracterized and misunderstood. someone i thought was a safe space has turned out to be a place of judgment.

i’m trying not to let this completely disregulate my nervous system but that’s not really working 🫩

Not because of a fight. Not because anything went wrong. Just... life happened. Work, routine, scrolling. I checked my messages last week and realized my "close friend" and I hadn't had a real conversation since February. The worst part? I think about him all the time. I just never reach out. Is this just... adulthood? Or is anyone else dealing with this? (Not promoting anything — genuinely asking because this hit me hard and I want to know I'm not alone)

Hey everyone. I’m going to try and keep this short. Almost two years ago, I had a falling out with a friend group that I was close to for almost 15 years. I feel like I saw them through everything. I went through a really bad low and dark place going through a messy break up with my abusive ex/father of my two children, being so burnt out and overused at work and having to make a decision on terminating a pregnancy. I was in a really bad place and was not the kindest but had seen them through everything and hoped/wished I would have the same.

Instead, everyone turned their back on me and when I confided in my bestfriend who was outside of the group, she used that to take my place in the group.

I apologized for how I acted during a low point but was left with a lot of silence and now seeing this person make me feel replaceable, sent me to a deeper low.

I am now almost two years out and have been making peace with my past and grateful for the growth I was able to do since and have created a really beautiful life.

Last weekend I found out my ex had been lying about “events” he was taking our children too, and is now close to the old friend trip and taking my kids to their kids birthday parties and being deceitful with where they are going. My ex is really upset I am married and moving forward, though we broke up 4 years ago, and I had thought coparenting wise tho, we had come such a long way.

I am at a loss and feeling like I’m mourning and grieving all over again while also feeling like maybe I didn’t know them at all. Just looking for guidance

so my ex friend and i broke up last year (she blocked on everything without a word why). my last official message to her was sent a month after we broke up (wishing her well) but she ignored it and i never reached out after that.

fast forward to like last month, she reached out to me through instagram saying some weird jokes and saying how i was obssessed with her. but she sent it then she blocked me. i didnt really pay any mind. she then unblocked me a while back (i think to see if i would respond) but i never did. she messaged me again asking me how i was, but she blocked me again so i couldnt respond.

at this point i was kinda frustruated that she wanted to message me but not have a conversation. she unblocked me again like a week later and i sent her this "hey, i dont know if you are serious or not but this pattern of contacting me and then blocking is weird. i genuinely wish you well but please leave me alone." and she blocked me after.

part of me kinda regrets for being harsh but i dont like that she has access to me whenever she feels and also not apologize or be civil in any way. idk what to do and feel conflicted...

i had an bsf for all of highschool but a month before graduation we had a falling out. we had a school trip and she and my other friend ignored me for the whole week and basically stopped talking to me until a week later when we got back to school and they acted like we were normal.

i distanced myself after that. we never had a crazy falling out it just ended like that. i did hear from one of my other friends that they were talking about me behind my back tho later on.

it’s been almost a year now since everything happened and i found myself to find peace but after she reached out to me late last year just to say she missed me, i realized that i didn’t want to be her friend anymore even though i did miss her.

it’s been months since last being in contact but i find myself holding so much resentment towards her. i remember things she said and did throughout our friendship that were red flags but i ignored them. i always thought of her to be so confident but the more i’ve been thinking about it i feel like she was actually projecting her insecurities or making new insecurities onto me by pointing things out i was already self concious about. and also she would post stuff online for people to see and think she was cool even though it was fake.

we’re both in new environments now but it feels like she has so many friends and all that kind of stuff while i feel left behind.

it’s really been bugging me how i still feel angry towards her. i don’t want to hold resentment or feelings towards the situation and her but everytime i think of her i feel like i hate her. i hate that because i don’t like hating people i feel like it’s pointless but her, i just wish i could erase her from my memory.

guys do i need help. like fr?? or what can i do to forgive her and move onnn

I was unhealed, selfish, struggling mentally and a loser and I didn’t appreciate my best friend who was with me all throughout my tough times. Who stood by me regardless of the shit I did. We had so much fun together and made such great lovely memories. Life feels so empty without her. She was so beautiful, smart, kind, loyal, hardworking and everyone loves her. I am so mad at myself for cutting her off bc I found a new friend. I wish I didn’t mess up. I really hurt her despite knowing how much she loved me and cared.

I am so mad I wasn’t there for her major milestones when she was there for mine. I love you, T. I’m so sorry. It hurts.

Why does it hurt even more a year later?

So my son called me from college and I don't want to steer him wrong (though he would kill me for asking reddit for advice.)

My son (a sophomore) made friends with a group who all went to the same high school. So they are an established group. He goes to the same club activities and they got into a dorm hall together. They lived all year on the same floor.

He went to a school event last night and one of the girls wanted Chick-Fil-A and others wanted Taco Bell. He said anyone who wanted Chick-Fil-A should come in his car. Only the one girl wanted to. They aren't dating. He drove her there, then asked if she wanted to meet everyone at Taco Bell. She said to just drive her back to the school. Once they got back, he said, "Ok, we're here." and she said, "We can just talk while I eat in your car." They talked for an hour. Then they both went back to their own dorms.

He didn't ask her out, make a move, or refer to anything sexual. (He's very shy and would never talk to a girl he wasn't dating that way.)

He got back and one of his guy friends texted to say, "People in the group are uncomfortable with how you acted. You're out." This is the 8 friends he hangs out with twice a week at school and eats every meal with. The girls have called him before when they were "creeped out by somebody" and had him pick them up.

I thought he should text the girl (who is actually not part of the high school group but from another state) and apologize. As in "Hey. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I thought you wanted Chick-fil-a." But that might be weird too?

I don't want to steer him wrong with the social dynamics thing. But I also don't want him to panic and lose the friendship he's already established with a girl not in the group. He's pretty shocked and hurt by the whole thing. And his first reaction is always to go silent and never interact with any of them again. I know he's now dreading the last few weeks of weeks of school along with living on the same floor again with them next year. He's even rooming with one of the group next year (who doesn't seem to be in the drama).

This is long :(

I want to vent a little bit about a friendship that ended almost a year ago. I tried to keep things vague because including specific details makes me paranoid, but I don’t think it’s completely possible so I’m taking a bit of a risk here.

I was the one who initiated the confrontation, which I don’t usually do. The initial fight was about a situation that went like this:

She invited me to plans and said she wanted to leave at a certain time. I said okay. Next day, at the beginning of the plans, I mentioned I was tired (in a lighthearted way) and confirmed leaving at a specific time. She said okay. The time we agreed to leave rolls around. She asks to stay even longer. I say yes even though I don’t want to, and she can tell. I start looking annoyed (probably), but keep my mouth shut and wait. After a while she says we can go, and when we get outside she looks pissed off and starts ignoring me. I try telling her (calmly) that I wished she would’ve told me at the beginning of the night that she wanted to stay out later, because I would have stayed later for her/gone home earlier on my own/not come in the first place/etc. She ignored me the rest of the way back. I think she was just mad that I didn’t leave on my own. We lived together at the time, and it took 15 minutes to walk back to our apartment from the subway. I didn’t want to do that alone after midnight (it was 12:30-1 am). I don’t know. Maybe that was childish?

Here is where I kind of seek advice. Was I wrong to expect an apology for this? I guess there is more context to our friendship dynamic that can’t fully be explained here, but I still wonder about everything because of how it ended. It was not the first time she acted kind of immature/passive aggressive when things didn’t go her way, and I had never really reacted or defended myself before. I just kind of let it be.

Anyways, when I confronted her she got really upset. Not crying, just anger and defensiveness. I basically explained my confusion/frustration at first, but after she got defensive it turned into a conversation about her anger issues, which only made her more angry (she said she felt judged). She told me that friends need to let things go. And that she was just mad, initially, because I was mad. And then it turned into a conversation about how she wanted a deeper friendship, and she made hurtful unprompted judgments me as a person. Like, malicious comments, not even things that could be considered criticism. I also brought this up right before a really big thing was about to happen for her, and that upset her a lot. Overall she claimed it was bad timing, wrote me a long message the next day about how disrespectful I was, and asked for space.

To be honest, I’m not sure why I got so emotional during the initial confrontation, but I cried a lot. I’m not someone who usually cries, especially not in front of other people. She has a way of talking down to people, I guess, or making me feel small. It was strange because I am not the type of person to be so affected by things like that. I felt like I was losing my mind trying not to offend her, but at the same time I didn’t understand how she could expect me to be fine with being judged, put down, etc…even in a small way. Even the shallowest apology would’ve meant a lot. I wrote her a really long, deep apology afterward. I mean, I really did try.

She kind of just considered it over once I apologized and then admitted that she feels insecure about her friendships. And that was that. Maybe I should’ve been fine with it, I don’t know. I guess I was expecting something more, like, accountable? I don’t know how much is fair to expect from other people.

She asked me to communicate what I needed more in the future. It was very confusing, like the script was being flipped. Suddenly the story was: I was the one who didn’t communicate well, and so it was my fault.

I still feel confused if I was in the right or not. When I write it all out like this, it seems clear to me that she was playing some mind games because of her insecurities. But was it really worth ending everything over? There is more to the story that I’m not including here. But in summary, I tried confronting her again (after being asked if we were good), WAY OVERDID it in a very long message, got ignored for almost two months, finally had a conversation in person with her, finally got a real apology (“i took my anger out on you and i’m sorry”), but also got dismissive comments mixed in (“i didn’t know it was going to be such a big deal”), was blamed for being too emotional because I was “usually so stoic” (well…sure). Was asked if I was over it and if I could just go back to acting like everything was normal.

So then I pretended to be fine with her, moved out of our apartment and never initiated a conversation with her again (didn’t ignore her, just stopped initiating and eventually she got the message).

I still miss her. It all affected me a lot. I didn’t really expect her to reach out to reconnect, but it makes me sad that she hasn’t. I sent an apology to her over New Year’s, just saying that I regret how I handled things and I will always care about her, and hope to see her in the New Year. I got back: thanks for your message! it would be great to see you in the new year too.

Like we were coworkers or something. Yikes.

My (brand new) therapist thinks that she manipulated me into feeling like my reactions to her behavior were unreasonable. My friends (including those that are also friends with her) shared my confusion and frustration and told me that they were on my side…multiple times. But no one really stood up for me in a real way, or told her she was being unfair/hurtful/unreasonable directly. I guess she didn’t do anything HORRIBLE. But no one really challenged her version of reality that much. It always came down to whether I was willing to accept her as she is.

I have childhood friends who are loyal to the bone, and will continue being in my life forever. But still, losing this friend made me feel incredibly alone. I lived with her for three years, shared a lot of interests and memories and laughter. I never expected anything like this to happen. I’ve never lost a friend like this before. I thought she was more…self-aware? Accountable? Mature? I would’ve forgiven absolutely anything.

But then, maybe I was just expecting too much. I overwhelmed her. I don’t really know.

Anyways, if anyone read this far, thanks for your time and I hope that whatever sadness brought you to this subreddit, heals :)

i recently lost a close friend after a long cycle of closeness, misunderstandings, and needing space. they eventually decided we couldn’t be friends anymore, and i respected their wishes, but i’ve been shutting down a lot over the loss. i didn’t expect it to end this way, and it’s been really painful because they were somebody who would always be there for me.

i’m on the spectrum, and friendships have always been harder for me to navigate, so this one meant a lot because it was one of the first times where someone stayed patient with me, and it’s how we became close quickly. we spent a lot of time together and supported each other through a lot of difficult moments.

my main issue is that i tend to spiral into self-blame and get overwhelmed when confronted, sometimes without even fully realizing it in the moment. that pattern created a lot of emotional pressure in the friendship, even when i didn’t intend for it to. i understand why that became difficult over time, and i don’t blame them for leaving.

i’m trying to take responsibility for that without falling into self-hate, but i still get stuck on the good memories. i used to feel like they outweighed the bad ones, but i’m realizing i may not have fully understood how my friend was feeling.

it still hurts more than i can really explain, i still miss them so much. i know what i need to work on, but right now i’m just trying to get through it. if anyone has been through something similar, i’d really appreciate hearing how you coped.

I invited my friend for an honest conversation about our relationship. I shared what was bothering me in our 'friendship,' and even cried in front of her. She listened to everything in silence with an indifferent expression, reacted without any emotion, and then asked if we would still walk together to the bus stop to go to university. You can imagine my reaction. As you can understand, she never shared her own reasons for what was bothering her in our friendship, and that was the end of our conversation.

Envy is the worst feeling, and she was terribly envious, even though I never put myself above anyone else — not my achievements nor my successes. Let me give you an example. She wanted to be in a relationship with a guy. Every day as we walked to class, she would ask me if I wanted a relationship. I always said no, because my goal for the near future was studying — and only studying. But as fate would have it, about six months later, I ended up in a relationship — not with some random guy nobody knew, but with her friend, who lived in the same dorm section as her. And when I shared this news with her, the first thing she said was, 'Just don't make me feel guilty when you two fight.' Another example: she has always loved — and still loves — male attention. I'm indifferent to it. She likes to drink and party — I don't care about that; I actually have a negative attitude toward it. Studying never really appealed to her, while I'm deeply passionate about it. But because she has this trait of 'wanting to be the best at everything,' she constantly competed with me. And you know, there were signs: constant headaches after being around her, irritability and nervousness — and this only happened after seeing her. With other friends, nothing like that occurred. And what's most interesting — when I asked my ex-boyfriend, 'Does she act the same way around me as she does with you and our other friends?' he replied that it was like two different people. He said that with me, she was — and I quote — 'balanced and calm,' but with them, she was loud and noisy.

If she disliked me that much, if she never saw our friendship as sincere or honest (the way I tried to until the very end, trying to improve our relationship so that we could both feel comfortable and good), couldn't she have just said directly: 'I don't want to be friends with you or talk to you'?"

Hello.

I wanted to share this because I am still quite traumatized by what happened and led up to me having to block said "Friend".

First: I am autistic, found that out throgh therapy very late in my young adulthood (I am still a young adult, 20s). There are many things that I do not comprehend because I do not feel such emotions. The concept of jealousy/envy makes very little sense to me because, in my brain, one simply doens't have enough information to be jealous of what someone has. Being jealous/envious of something another person is or posesses is therefore something that kind of frightens me - especially when one finds out that a person feels that way towards me.

I also think its because I have made experiences where finding out a "friend" was jealous of me came in tandem with the attempt to physically harm me. I went to therapy and thought I had eliminated whatever it was in me that attracted those kind of friendships.

I was very wrong.

A friendship that began three years ago with a person that was very dear to me was revealed, through many behaviours of this person - to nevr have been what I thought it was.

So we met at University.

For years she would have this tendency of asking boundary-crossing questions - basically wanting to know about every detail of my life. I always brushed it aside, though I had to often set boundaries and literally tell her "that is none of your business" - which she would then after a day basically ignore and ask again. She most of all always asked questions that would make me reveal to her basically where I was in my career or life. When I told her about problems I encountered during mym university life/classes - she would not stop asking who it was that was creating me problems. She would always say she "wants to know because maybe she knows them" - which was a RED FLAG to me, always.

This behaviour is something I now know to be monitoring behaviour and something people do who are not only secretly competing with you but also jealous of you.

What led up to me blocking her was that we needed to complete interships in our bachelors. I helped her write/correct/edit her cover letters - which led to her landing several internships. I was ill for some time during my studies, so my search for interships became a little delayed. I am also a woman of colour studying in a very white country - and of course had not considered just how much prejudice, racism and the additional nonsense could impact said search.

Let's note: This "friend" basically used me to help her - but never considered to even ask if I needed help, which my therapist had to remind me of, because my autistic brain doesn't keep score. I truly enter friendships from an, in hindsight, naive place. Comparing myself to my friends, competitiveness, envy, jealousy towards A FRIEND is something unimaginable to me, because I am supposed to be your friend, and friends, in my mind, do not do such things to one another.

Know also that when I began my search, she would not stop nagging to know where I was applying to - she who already had all the internships she needed. When I asked her why she was asking me, she said it was because she wanted ideas to where she, too, could apply.

I later came to find out that the few spots I revealed to her she went on to apply, too.

Now...

Durign our friendship, there were times she had tried to position herself above me in very strange ways - which I ofc brushed aside.

This time, when I applied to the same company she interned at, I suddenly receive message from her out of the blue, where she wrote only these words:

"I can see your application."

Nothing else.

I was weirded out. Completely weirded out. My ex friend comes from a well-off family, where she never had to work. Those internships were basically her first jobs. I thought maybe she doesn't know that one is not supposed to reveal such things, maybe that's supposed to stay inside information?

So I asked her: "Ok... are you supposed to share information like that?"

This completely caught her off guard. She hadn't thought about it, and she knew not how to respond to my question - whcih in hindsight tells me it was an attempted power-move, basically trying to let me know she was above me in this scenario and could control what would happen to my attempt to apply there.

She then, after a day responded that she sent it to the higher ups. I thanked her but this weird feeling wouldn't leave me.

After I had my interview there,

hours after, I recive a message from her, suddenly telling me that she just found out that "So MaNy PeOplE aRe aPpLyInG tO tHe SaMe PoSitIoN".

Now mind you, she basically haunted me so that I would tell her when I had the interview. Had I not told her - I would probably never have received this message.

I, as a friend would never message my friend a message like this after they had what to them was a great, promising interview. In that moment, I got angry and asked her how this information was going to help me. She responded that she overshared sometimes because of her "ADHD" and that she "panics about little stuff" to which I then told her that it's inconsiderate to basically plant insecurity into other people just because she is feeling panic.

... which she found funny. Planting doubt into youur friend and then going "oops sorry it was my ADHD" is a sorry excuse for conscious, purposeful sabotage.

When I responded that I truly didn't care, whether I heard back from them or not (because it was one of the last places I wanted to intern for", she suddenly had notes to give me on my attitude for such things. Basically, this was to trigger me and then check for my reaction.

I stopeed responding to her texts from then on. What she had done did induce a an anxiety attack, and it was from that moment on that I truly realized something was up with her.

I began to think about our friendship seriously then. And only then did I begin to notice things that I had completely ignored.

The monitoring of course.

The imitating.

The numerous times she had made fun of my culture/my language.

Her boundary crossing/posessive line of questions and behaviour.

And then this sabotaging.

I sought counself with my mother - who told me that this was a jealous fake friend, who was attempting to mess up things for me.

Then I sought counself from my therapist, who said the same.

And then my brother sat me down, and had to literally tell me "Y/N, I have noticed that you appraoch the world from a very innocent and honestly, extremely naive place, and you completely miss when someone actually wants your downfall/failure."

It was quite sobering - traumatizing also. I began to isolate, and I must admmit that I will from now on be very wary of female friendships - because may had turned out similarly to this one.

I stopped messaging her or responding to her, but this girl would not stop texting me. Wanting to know whether I was hired or not, xyz...

And when I didn't respond to her, she went into a group chat with mutual friends we had, and began asking her monitoring questions there. I didn't respond there either.

Seemingly that wasn't clear enough.

Because then, on campus, she literally came to find me. And this was, besides other things that happened which go into a more spiritual spehere,

[I had a dream - a dream which in my culture can only mean a spiritual syphnoning/spiritual attack. When I told my mother and she performed a cleansing on me which is supposed to remove any and all spiritually vampiric ties, evil eyes, hexes etc - it was her who messaged me immediately after this cleansing - in my culture a clear sign that it was her who was doing these things to me - that is all I'm going to say because many people don't believ ein such things and this is not the right subreddit for this kind of stuff]

the last straw.

This to me, meant that she in a way felt as though she had ownership of me or felt entitled to my attention, presence and energy.

So I blocked her. I am very sad about it, because I really liked her as my friend. I am still shocked/traumatized that she did this to me, and I am left very confused about how I didn't see any of this.

And somewhere, I also dont trust my judgement of people anymore because i thought I was over selecting people like her as friends. But I was wrong.

I am afraid that she will not respect this boundary, too.

But yeah, that's how I lost a friend.

Please forgive any grammatical errors.

Everything feels so strange. We met in 2013 at school and became best friends. We talked every day, a lot. Time passed, and we stayed very close… 2015, we were both in college, different courses, different schools, but still really close. We’d go to the movies together, play games together… then the pandemic came, I got depressed, stopped talking to him for a few months, but then I came back and everything was fine. And everything felt normal…

Now jumping to the end of 2024 and the beginning of 2025… he started to change. He got a new job, started another college, and things became so strange. It felt like little by little we had less and less in common. On weekends he wouldn’t even reply to my messages, he’d go out with other friends, only reply on Monday, and he kept drifting away, drifting away… it got to the point where he disappeared for 14 days last year, saying he was very anxious with his phone and needed some time for himself… okay, he disappeared and then came back.

Now it’s 2026 and he’s completely disappeared. But this time it’s different. It feels like he disappeared only from me. I can’t understand it. He kept distancing himself, distancing himself… sometimes he would message me, send a meme or something like that… but now it’s been almost a month with no response from him at all. He still has me as a contact on WhatsApp. The other day he hadn’t been on Telegram for almost a month, but he logged in yesterday.

Everything is so different, so strange… I sent him a message this morning asking what was going on and, obviously, he didn’t reply. It all feels like ghosting. Even though he’s had anxiety issues in the past and has stepped away from his phone because of that, I don’t think that’s what’s happening now.

I’m really sad, honestly. Man… the friendship has become unrecognizable. It feels like he slowly turned into a different person. And now he just “disappears.” I don’t know… I miss him. I almost cried this morning. It’s been hard for me even to summarize and put all of this into words.

1. Were you able to fully forgive them?

2. How long did they ghost you for?

3. How is your friendship different?

My friend ghosted me five months ago while I been pregnant. I asked her why and since discovering Jesus she said she can’t handle other people’s energy. This is after 4 months of silence every time I tried to reach out just to check in on her. Usually once a month nothing crazy. We used to talk every day at the most, or once a week at the least.

I been there for her through rough times. she can’t handle my hard times well and usually does disappear for a bit but never longer than a few weeks. No one is perfect. We used to be the biggest cheerleaders for each other and I miss her.

I just don’t think I can ever forgive her for ghosting me and not giving me a reason until months later. I understand needing space but she is literally 35 years old. How the heck is her communication still that bad? i gave her so many openings to say what she needed to and she would just respond with “love you, I will call you tonight” and then never did.

Sorry for the long read.

I've been friends with B & L for 2.5 years. In that time, we got super close, closer than I've ever been with anyone. I moved in downstairs in the duplex they live in. We supported each other through a lot.

I had a girlfriend (K) who became a part of our group, but in time I felt it was becoming toxically codependent and I broke it off, although she still comes around.

Then I got into another relationship, I'll call her T. It was going fine, but we had a night where we were on drugs and had sex and I pushed her to continue when she said she was uncomfortable. I know I deserve to be grilled for this. My concept of consent was not right. I understand that, but hindsight is 20:20. At the time I told her all she needs to do is say stop, or no, and I would stop. She didn't. So I continued. Still, I know my behavior was gross. I should have stopped and that's not lost on me.

We talked about it the next time we saw each other and agreed it was a grey area but "its not like i told you to stop" is something she said. I did what I could to make it up to her. It seemed fine enough. I was the one who brought it up at all; she didnt really let me in in her feelings even when we talked about it. So I didn't see it as a huge deal and honestly I didn't learn the lesson that I should have.

And so a month later, there was an evening where I asked her to peg me. She said okay, but by the time I was ready she had fallen asleep. When I roused her, she told me she was tired. But we'd been talking about doing this since we got together and I thought she'd be into it once she woke up a bit, so I insisted (i recognize that was wrong) We did it and that was that. I believed that if I was upsetting her, she would make that clear. But I don't feel she did. She got up, put on a strap on, did the deed, without objecting beyond the initial "im tired".

A couple days later, I got strange unprompted DMs from a blank IG profile and they told me "i see you're hanging out with T, be careful, shes f*cking crazy". Now, T had told me she has a stalker and I told her if they ever message me, I would let them talk just to see if they'd say anything incriminating. So I entertained them. They went on to say she habitually slanders people, that she will use sexual encounters to claim sexual assault after the fact regardless of what actually happened. So...

The very next day, T went to B & L upstairs and told them *something*. K was there as well. B & L both texted me saying they were told horrible things and they believe them based on my past behavior. Given those IG DMs, I replied saying how confused I felt and that I wanted to talk, and I mentioned the DMs to say that I don't know if T is acting in good faith. But that only made L block me on everything. B actually spoke to me but ultimately said my side of the story lined up with what was said. But she was really charitable given the circumstances and gave me a lot of hope for there to be reconciliation one day. But still, it broke me. In the first few days of spiralling, I fear I held on to B a little too hard by asking her to keep coming and speaking with me. She told me she needs time away from everyone to process and I respected that boundary since then. So for now I'm on my own.

I've spent the month since then in therapy, writing apologies, reflecting. It's kinda torture to live in this house. I hear people including T coming over every weekend and I know they're going out and having a lovely time. The only one to reply to my apology was T herself. What she said was terrible. She told me I am a garbage excuse of a human being, that I prey on people's good nature, that I view women as pieces of meat, that I held her down and very intentionally r**ed her even when she said no, she will never forgive me and "thanks for staying away from me and MY friends" among a lot of other very deep cuts.

I completely understand that what I did was wrong, that my concept of boundaries and consent was skewed and that I caused a lot of pain. I have no desire to lie to myself or anyone about it. But she is claiming malicious intent and that I'm a complete monster. And it really hurts that the people I considered friends would believe that about me. The last thing B texted me was "I wont disappear on you, I promise"- but I fear she set herself up with a promise she can't keep. She's the type to intermediate, even at her own expense.

I dont blame T for going to my friends, and I actually commend my friends for how they responded. I now realize I have codependency issues, specifically as a "caretaker" and that I needed to educate myself on the concept of boundaries and enthusiastic consent. Going to therapy, joining CoDA. Looking back, I'm just as disgusted with myself as I should be. I'm trying to focus on my growth. I've never had such an eye-opening experience in my life. But T is on social media posting about "the most violating experience of my life" and describing me in the same way she did in the message she sent me. I can't help but feel like she's acting in bad faith. She has two restraining orders against her exes, how could what I did be the most violating thing shes experienced... I know I was wrong but she definitely has some very deep rooted trauma from way before we ever met.

So I guess what I'm asking yall random redditors is: is it delusional for me to still consider B & L to be friends? To hope for repair with B & L? I don't expect things to be the same, but the footsteps upstairs are loud. It's like I'm in purgatory. I'm heavily considering moving out. I'm self employed and I spend most of my time at home. I feel like an unwelcome guest in my own living space. It was so pleasant before, having awesome friends right upstairs but also maintaining our own space. Now it's just a reminder of my fuck-up. Everyone I've told about this tells me I need to give it time and things will work out. I'd really like to believe it. But writing it out like this makes it feel like a pipe dream. I yearn for B to give me some kind of update on the state of things since she gave me hope, but out of respect for her I haven't reached out.

Would you forgive someone like me if you saw that they've grown to the point where they'd never make the same mistakes? I am really starting to think I must let this go, move out and move on. Let me know what you think, random internet stranger.

Thanks for reading

I was randomly scrolling through my photos back in 2022-23 and I stumbled upon some messages, photos and memories.

He was one of the most amazing people I’ve met, so emotionally intelligent and would always make me smile. Never a dull moment with him and yet I managed to ruin everything we had. Back then, i was really struggling with depressive episodes, sh, drinking and anxiety, which would lead me to having bursts of rage and say hurtful things that I didn’t mean. He left, and obviously I don’t blame him for it, as I always (still do) want the best for him. Found myself at 3 am trying to find his socials to at least see how he is doing and where he is, but then I backed down as I don’t think this person wants anything to do to me anymore. I do remember in 2024 or maybe late 2023, i tried to reach out again only to be blocked, him saying he doesn’t want to hear from me again. I know it is my fault and I wish I could tell him how sorry I am and that I’ve changed. I’ve healed and been to therapy, to a psychiatrist and I’m different now.

I do wish him all the best but I truly think he forgot about me, and this concept is so weird to me knowing the history and friendship we had.

God this sucks, I'm so angry and I'm so hurt. I want this to end and I want it to have never happened. I made mistakes, mistakes I apologized for at the time and now I understadn them and I would like to apologize for them again. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I was so in my head, convinced people were upset with me or mad at me and tyring to appease that. I'm sorry for the way that made people around me feel, I'm sorry for not reaching out or communicating more. I'm sorry for tying my sense fo self so tightly to you and this group of people that the idea of any kind of change felt like rejection. I'm sorry for not being able to say any of this a year ago. Or even now to the others. But I am not sorry for being depressed.

I am not sorry struggling, or being upset with you when you spoke down to me the way you did. Or upset with her when she treated me like she couldn't care less about me. I'm not sorry for beign upset at the way you cornered my boyfriend and more than implied he should break up me. When all he really needed was support and some empathy. Your partner being depressed and isolating isn't easy and he needed his friends to lean on. Instead you pulled him aside and told him he should be wary of me because you all were seeing "some red flags." Every flag something the two of us had already addressed and disucssed, not that that mattered to you, I had told you as much the month before.

I am not sorry for wanting to celebrate my brithday with my friends and for asking over a month in advance if it would be a good idea and acting on it later. You called it sneaky for my partner to try and plan a surprise party dude. It was a surprise party??

I got medicated. Not that that mattered to you. By that time you had already begun to wordlessly ice me out despite telling me to trust my friends to tell me when they were upset with me. And it super didn't matter to you when you told me you weren't seeing enough change a month and a half after I had started medication and a month after you began your self admitted immature behavior.

I am not sorry for not reaching out last July, even though you told me I should because you needed to talk with me even if you didn't want to. I didn't really feel like it after the three months of no contact you'd initaited, telling me it would be with everyone when it so clearly wasn't.

I'm not sorry for not reaching out when the last conversations you had with my boyfriend was you airing out grievances you'd never shared with me about my behavior for an hour. And then when he told you he didn't want to talk about our relationship with you alone anymore you told him to reconsider his feelings. I'm not sorry for reaching out when you more than implied you thought he was in a toxic relationship and ghosted him when he said you'd overstepped a boundary.

I'm not sorry for being angry at you. When you told me i was inconsiderate and you compared me to you narcacisstic abuser to my boyfriend. The abuser that not even a half a year before you'd been assuring me I was nothing like. I'm not sorry for not reaching out when you told me that i shouldn't speak on things I don't know everything about. A comment that has since sparked two spirals of panic in the class I'm TA-ing about my own career field. It doesn't help that I have to see you in there every day.

I'm not sorry that I want you to miss me. I used to miss you so much more, I used to miss you so much it felt all consuming. Those hotline workers, my therapist, people who have never met you tell me I deserve better. But a year ago I couldn't see how I could find better. You were my brother, even when we fought you were supposed to be my brother. I reread notes from sophomore and freshman year. You found me broken, you helped build me up and relearn how to be loved. How to have friends. I helped you through two break ups and more than one idenity crisis. When my therapist gave me a matching diagnosis to yours I could only find comfort in the fact that you could help me understand.

You told me you never wanted to make me feel the way I did when we met. But here I am. I see you and I feel two inches tall, disposable, and insignifacnt. You make me doubt who I am, you make me doubt if I am a good person.

It took a year but now I end these periods of thinking about you by telling myself I am trying. I am growing, I am not a bad person because I made mistakes. I deserve to loved and I am likable, People like me. You are not the end all be all even if you act like it. I used to think you had all the answers, but the moment i strayed from what you thought I should be I was discarded.

I'm tired of sobbing to my partner about someone who helped me get together with him, I'm tired of sobbing to my partner about the person who helped me when he was in his deppest depressive episode. My partner is tired of the hold you have over me. I hope this letter brings me closure, or at least brings me closer to it.

I'm moving in the next week and you are too. We'll probably never talk to each other again and our last words to each other will still be I love you, something I look back on as a half true exchange.

I talked to someone new, someone who isn't you. She gave me grace, I told her I wished we had done this sooner and she told me we were both still learning how to be friends. I think I will think about that a lot. She has seen all of this and chooses to remain with both of us. I know there is no true wrong doer here so i will chose to view you as learning too. Even if sometimes I all want is for you to hurt like I do

I can understand they have to talk to each other since they're co workers but this one girl hates me because we are closer or were atleast and since like 2 months. Shes been making plans with my best friend in a way I could never hang out with them. It used to be all of us together despite what she felt about me bcs my best friend and I were close. But nowadays no matter what I say my own best friend doesn't get it when I ask her why im being left out. I think I lost my best friend and ive never had anyone like her in my life. I thought this person would be my forever. I miss her so much. I can only smile at her nowadays.

yesterday i faced my fears and confronted my ex friend face to face for ghosting me after i asked him to return my painting supplies in around nov. of 2024. before that we had gone on a trip to san francisco because i had some flight credits i needed to use up and there was an artist we both liked who was playing there, so my flight credits covered half his expenses. the trip ended very awkwardly for reasons that are complicated, but the TLDR was that he told me i was being a bad friend on the whole trip because i hadn’t asked him about a very specific thing he had been going through. i was under the assumption that if we were in a different state enjoying our time, he didn’t want to talk about it and i didn’t want to bring his mood down. it was a case of a miscommunication but after the trip he ghosted me and then asked for the painting supplies a month later, the ghosted me again after i asked for them back.

after that he acted very fake to me. we both attend this youth group that does camping trips and he would come up and hold me hostage for conversations acting like nothing happened. it was so confusing i didn’t really have the chance to be like hey, wtf is going on? later i found out that he had been telling people he didn’t fuck with me but was coming up and having conversations with me. once he even asked to play a board game with me.

i had found out during this time that i was obviously not the only person he had treated like shit. he dumped a friend who helped him around the house after his top surgery because he “couldn’t repay the favor, and i feel guilty any time im around you.” he said to me(multiple times) and multiple other people whenever they’d smoke (not even offering to him) that he only smoked with people he planned to sleep with. so much bs i don’t have time to get into

about a month ago i had talked about this with my new therapist and about my anxieties of seeing this guy at the youth group, and she had told me to write down a list of what he had taken from me, state a date i expected the things back and to show up to his place if he didn’t give them back. i did it, it was super scary as confrontation is something that historically hasn’t gone well for me and walked away from handing him the note shaking, but i did it. came back on the date i told him, and of course he hadn’t returned the stuff. at this point i obviously don’t really care about the painting supplies, im just done with letting people walk all over me and get away with it.

i planned to go to his apartment yesterday to get the stuff, but i saw him at the youth group so i just walked up to him instead. this is how the conversation went:

me- so am i getting my painting supplies back?

him- so i didn’t have a way of contacting you, but my cat had peed over your supplies and they weren’t able to be salvaged so that’s why they were never returned.

(his cat was rehomed a month before i gave him the painting supplies)

me- okay, i don’t understand why you didn’t tell me this sooner.

him- i didn’t have a way of contacting you, my phone was stolen.

me- that’s not true, we went on all those camping trips together. why didn’t you tell me then.

him- i was under the impression that we had estranged.

me- …you came up and talked to me multiple times.

him- no, i was respecting my boundaries.

me- by not giving me the stuff back that i let you borrow?

him- no. i think you are misremembering things.

me- okay well, i got my answer. have a good day.

i left shortly after that. was nervous as fuck the whole time we were talking but i have my closure, it’s done now! here’s hoping i respect myself enough to not let shit like this happen to me again.

I wish things were different. I wish I was different. I wish we had one last conversation. I am sorry for so many times you blamed yourself when, if I was better, those things wouldn’t even have been a problem for us.

It hurts me to see two cats, or two flowers, or two butterflies, or two birds and not being able to text you saying “this is us.” I miss our silly little conversations throughout the day. I miss our conversations that lasted hours on our free days.

You were the sweetest person I’ve ever met. You’ve helped me understand myself more, and I understood many things. I understood why I do some things, I understood why my other two close friendships ended, and I understood how bad a friend I was. You loved me; it might be the first time I felt and trusted that I was loved by someone outside of my family.

You always told me I was as good as possible, and made you feel seen and understood when, in reality, I knew within myself that anyone could do those things. I was nothing special, and you made us special.

We never met in real life, only text and voice chats, and it was crazy how much I came to trust an online friend. I am glad to have had this experience with you.

We are now strangers. I am a stranger who has a part of you in me, and you are a stranger who has a part of me in you.

I know that I will love and care for you, and I know we will never talk again or we will never be the same again. I just hope you get what you deserve in this life. You are a good person and good things must happen to you.

I just wish I was better for you.