u/Legitimate_Arm_9221

my anxiety’s been in my life for as long as i can remember. it’s held me back from so much. i’ve been to therapy on and off growing up but not as of the past 3 years. my anxiety’s gotten bad as this year. i just wanna hide and i feel self conscious doing the tinest things. im so tired i feel so sad i wish i could go out and talk to everyone and make friends but im so anxious around everyone and even my friends.

i thought i would grow out of it. but Im 19 now and i feel the same. i just want to feel normal

i had an bsf for all of highschool but a month before graduation we had a falling out. we had a school trip and she and my other friend ignored me for the whole week and basically stopped talking to me until a week later when we got back to school and they acted like we were normal.

i distanced myself after that. we never had a crazy falling out it just ended like that. i did hear from one of my other friends that they were talking about me behind my back tho later on.

it’s been almost a year now since everything happened and i found myself to find peace but after she reached out to me late last year just to say she missed me, i realized that i didn’t want to be her friend anymore even though i did miss her.

it’s been months since last being in contact but i find myself holding so much resentment towards her. i remember things she said and did throughout our friendship that were red flags but i ignored them. i always thought of her to be so confident but the more i’ve been thinking about it i feel like she was actually projecting her insecurities or making new insecurities onto me by pointing things out i was already self concious about. and also she would post stuff online for people to see and think she was cool even though it was fake.

we’re both in new environments now but it feels like she has so many friends and all that kind of stuff while i feel left behind.

it’s really been bugging me how i still feel angry towards her. i don’t want to hold resentment or feelings towards the situation and her but everytime i think of her i feel like i hate her. i hate that because i don’t like hating people i feel like it’s pointless but her, i just wish i could erase her from my memory.

guys do i need help. like fr?? or what can i do to forgive her and move onnn

last year i (19f) lost many of my closest friends and i’ve been in an era of really feeling like i have no one in my corner to talk to. i’ve reflected a lot and i feel like im the common factor so it must be me. after our friendships ended it felt like they both moved on so fast and replaced me and made so many friends, while i kinda stayed quiet and didn’t make friends.

last year my highschool best friend and i stopped being friends at the end of our senior year because the disrespect i got from her was too much that i had to just walk away. the friendship was very surface level and looking back it was almost fake. a little backstory is that we became a trio last year but my bsf ended up making me feel like left out and like the second option on multiple occasions. im independent so i don’t care if i am the second option, but it does bother me when someone MAKES me feel like a second option in front of my face. also she kind of acted shady one day and then when i went quiet she told my friend who asked if i was ok that i was fine and then they ignored me for a week then acted like we were fine at school complementing me. i kept my distance after that. there was no confrontation. just a drift and the end.

i also had a guy bsf whom i was super close with but the friendship slowly faded. we were close because we could actually talk and listen to what each other were going through and we would care, but further

into the friendship noticed that whenever i would share something i was going through he would be distracted and kind of not listen to me but then when he would talk i would actually pay attention. so i stopped sharing as much. why be vulnerable if they don’t care. we also went from hanging out everyday to not seeing each other for months. and when we did see each other he was always on his phone or he would cancel or say he would drive then ask me to pick him up. as of now we haven’t seen each other since december. we texted up until february when he left me on delivered after him asking me how my trip was going.

i don’t know what in doing. or why im just terrible at having friends and keeping them. am i the issue? or do i just attracts weird friends? im a quiet person so when i make friends i put in effort. i also really only make friends if someone else talks go me first. i feel like im the common pattern but im just missing something. what am i doing??? am i just boring that people dont want to be my friend??