u/Eyem0tif

God this sucks, I'm so angry and I'm so hurt. I want this to end and I want it to have never happened. I made mistakes, mistakes I apologized for at the time and now I understadn them and I would like to apologize for them again. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I was so in my head, convinced people were upset with me or mad at me and tyring to appease that. I'm sorry for the way that made people around me feel, I'm sorry for not reaching out or communicating more. I'm sorry for tying my sense fo self so tightly to you and this group of people that the idea of any kind of change felt like rejection. I'm sorry for not being able to say any of this a year ago. Or even now to the others. But I am not sorry for being depressed.

I am not sorry struggling, or being upset with you when you spoke down to me the way you did. Or upset with her when she treated me like she couldn't care less about me. I'm not sorry for beign upset at the way you cornered my boyfriend and more than implied he should break up me. When all he really needed was support and some empathy. Your partner being depressed and isolating isn't easy and he needed his friends to lean on. Instead you pulled him aside and told him he should be wary of me because you all were seeing "some red flags." Every flag something the two of us had already addressed and disucssed, not that that mattered to you, I had told you as much the month before.

I am not sorry for wanting to celebrate my brithday with my friends and for asking over a month in advance if it would be a good idea and acting on it later. You called it sneaky for my partner to try and plan a surprise party dude. It was a surprise party??

I got medicated. Not that that mattered to you. By that time you had already begun to wordlessly ice me out despite telling me to trust my friends to tell me when they were upset with me. And it super didn't matter to you when you told me you weren't seeing enough change a month and a half after I had started medication and a month after you began your self admitted immature behavior.

I am not sorry for not reaching out last July, even though you told me I should because you needed to talk with me even if you didn't want to. I didn't really feel like it after the three months of no contact you'd initaited, telling me it would be with everyone when it so clearly wasn't.

I'm not sorry for not reaching out when the last conversations you had with my boyfriend was you airing out grievances you'd never shared with me about my behavior for an hour. And then when he told you he didn't want to talk about our relationship with you alone anymore you told him to reconsider his feelings. I'm not sorry for reaching out when you more than implied you thought he was in a toxic relationship and ghosted him when he said you'd overstepped a boundary.

I'm not sorry for being angry at you. When you told me i was inconsiderate and you compared me to you narcacisstic abuser to my boyfriend. The abuser that not even a half a year before you'd been assuring me I was nothing like. I'm not sorry for not reaching out when you told me that i shouldn't speak on things I don't know everything about. A comment that has since sparked two spirals of panic in the class I'm TA-ing about my own career field. It doesn't help that I have to see you in there every day.

I'm not sorry that I want you to miss me. I used to miss you so much more, I used to miss you so much it felt all consuming. Those hotline workers, my therapist, people who have never met you tell me I deserve better. But a year ago I couldn't see how I could find better. You were my brother, even when we fought you were supposed to be my brother. I reread notes from sophomore and freshman year. You found me broken, you helped build me up and relearn how to be loved. How to have friends. I helped you through two break ups and more than one idenity crisis. When my therapist gave me a matching diagnosis to yours I could only find comfort in the fact that you could help me understand.

You told me you never wanted to make me feel the way I did when we met. But here I am. I see you and I feel two inches tall, disposable, and insignifacnt. You make me doubt who I am, you make me doubt if I am a good person.

It took a year but now I end these periods of thinking about you by telling myself I am trying. I am growing, I am not a bad person because I made mistakes. I deserve to loved and I am likable, People like me. You are not the end all be all even if you act like it. I used to think you had all the answers, but the moment i strayed from what you thought I should be I was discarded.

I'm tired of sobbing to my partner about someone who helped me get together with him, I'm tired of sobbing to my partner about the person who helped me when he was in his deppest depressive episode. My partner is tired of the hold you have over me. I hope this letter brings me closure, or at least brings me closer to it.

I'm moving in the next week and you are too. We'll probably never talk to each other again and our last words to each other will still be I love you, something I look back on as a half true exchange.

I talked to someone new, someone who isn't you. She gave me grace, I told her I wished we had done this sooner and she told me we were both still learning how to be friends. I think I will think about that a lot. She has seen all of this and chooses to remain with both of us. I know there is no true wrong doer here so i will chose to view you as learning too. Even if sometimes I all want is for you to hurt like I do