i just want it to be a bad dream
i recently lost a close friend after a long cycle of closeness, misunderstandings, and needing space. they eventually decided we couldn’t be friends anymore, and i respected their wishes, but i’ve been shutting down a lot over the loss. i didn’t expect it to end this way, and it’s been really painful because they were somebody who would always be there for me.
i’m on the spectrum, and friendships have always been harder for me to navigate, so this one meant a lot because it was one of the first times where someone stayed patient with me, and it’s how we became close quickly. we spent a lot of time together and supported each other through a lot of difficult moments.
my main issue is that i tend to spiral into self-blame and get overwhelmed when confronted, sometimes without even fully realizing it in the moment. that pattern created a lot of emotional pressure in the friendship, even when i didn’t intend for it to. i understand why that became difficult over time, and i don’t blame them for leaving.
i’m trying to take responsibility for that without falling into self-hate, but i still get stuck on the good memories. i used to feel like they outweighed the bad ones, but i’m realizing i may not have fully understood how my friend was feeling.
it still hurts more than i can really explain, i still miss them so much. i know what i need to work on, but right now i’m just trying to get through it. if anyone has been through something similar, i’d really appreciate hearing how you coped.