I threw up throughout my whole shift, had such bad anxiety, shaking, jittery, out of breath. I don’t know how I managed to still finish all my tasks. I was alone all night in my shift too bc I’m a concierge. It would’ve been so bad if i actually did pass out.
These withdrawals remind me why I’ll never take it again. It’s so hard putting on a smile when I wanna throw up. I have to go to my other job when I get home ughhh
It hit me that I was really loved by my friends and family. The only ones who rejected me were useless men. I messed it all up due to my struggles, instability, drug use, poor emotional regulation and lack of accountability. I should’ve appreciated the ppl who were actually there for me and cared about me bc of my selfishness it’s gone. I have decided to become better and fix my life. I can’t keep playing the victim anymore. It hurts that I caused ppl pain but im feeling it now.
I was unhealed, selfish, struggling mentally and a loser and I didn’t appreciate my best friend who was with me all throughout my tough times. Who stood by me regardless of the shit I did. We had so much fun together and made such great lovely memories. Life feels so empty without her. She was so beautiful, smart, kind, loyal, hardworking and everyone loves her. I am so mad at myself for cutting her off bc I found a new friend. I wish I didn’t mess up. I really hurt her despite knowing how much she loved me and cared.
I am so mad I wasn’t there for her major milestones when she was there for mine. I love you, T. I’m so sorry. It hurts.
Why does it hurt even more a year later?
I have been in a really bad mental space since May 2025 and ever since then I let myself go. Bc of my depression it’s hard for me to shower and look good. I gained soooo much weight and feel so disgusting when I look at myself. I used to be so pretty like I loved the way I was before but now? Ew. I want my old self back again.
I’m 26F. I have two part time jobs and spend a lot of money on weed and food. I have 2 degrees but I messed up a lot in life getting into the wrong things and I majorly messed up by not having a job in my field and having less than $1K in my acc. I’m in $4k debt too. I have no friends and family bc I was not in the right head space and have been so selfish. I also had bad relationships with coworkers and managers so can’t get references if I wanna elevate. Missing shifts bc I’m high and can’t get up? That’s so embarrassing. Messed that up cause I don’t know boundaries. I’m trying to change. I gained a lot of weight and look bad bc I had a bad crisis last year but I feel like a loser and I need to get back up again. I literally can’t keep using my mental health as an excuse. I think I just don’t wanna do hard things? Idk I’m scared of failure and never want to let BPD or depression as an excuse
Every single friend I’ve lost has elevated after we stopped being friends. They’re all successful, look good, happy, great careers etc. Everything they wanted happened after I left. My life is in shambles. I’m at rock bottom. Bad mental health struggles.
I’m 26F. I’ve been in 2 relationships. They both treated me poorly and acted like I was annoying if I wanted to spend time. One broke up with me after a job promotion and the other was still talking to his ex. They both treat their partners really well…everything I asked for…The girls got it without trying. I tried to put myself out there after and all these years I think I’m only good for sex. No one thinks I’m worthy or good enough for love. I’m just pussy. I always get ghosted or blocked while my friends have/had men worshipping and begging them! I’m not good for platonic love either. I just think I wasn’t meant to experience love even though I want it just a bit. I hate myself and the way I look and am as a person. I really just want love.
Because I have made mistakes and I’ve done bad things I’m not proud of I feel like I don’t deserve anything good. I can’t be happy about literally anything. If I get a bit happy over some food, money, job, a compliment, a hug my brain automatically tells me you don’t deserve it. You don’t deserve a good life with good things. This has lead to me not taking care of myself, bad finances, no friends or family bc I don’t deserve it. I feel like I’m fake and a fraud. I feel like I’m always in trouble. I feel like I’m being punished. Im too scared to pray or even speak any positivity bc I’m scared I’m gonna get punished. I do not even say good things to ppl or say stuff like I got a job” bc im scared the universe is gonna take it away. It’s so exhausting feeling like everyone hates you and you’re meant to suffer. I throw up a lot everyday bc of the sadness and anxiety. It plays in a loop.
I literally always feel like I’m in trouble or doing something wrong and inconveniencing everyone. I will literally be at work do everything I need to do and think I’m gonna get fired, everyone hates me, they’re plotting to get rid of me. No one even said anything. It makes me so anxious to the point I start throwing up and shaking. I hang out with friends and think they hate me, i probably said something wrong, they’re just tolerating me and one day they’re gonna get fed up and start getting anxious and throwing up over it. When they didn’t even say anything. I literally feel like I’m going to be a failure in life and no one likes me and are plotting to get rid of me. I’m so anxious all the time i literally can’t relax. I can’t waste money on weed trying to get rid of this debilitating anxiety