u/smileysnail

through my struggles with cptsd, I self-isolate a lot due to shame. it feels safer to be alone when it feels like being perceived means you have to put on a performance. at the same time, i do realize though that healing doesn’t happen in isolation, so i’m trying to reach out to friends to hang out, but i don’t find everyone safe.

unfortunately it seems i misjudged our friendship and her capacity to hold me. i thought we had a mutual relationship where we shared our struggles and highlights. the last time we hung out she seemed happy and like she had a good time.

but it turns out she thinks i’m too much. i didn’t realize she felt burdened by me. i had reached out several times over the past few months to ask how she was doing and wish her happy new year and happy birthday but she seemed busy whenever i did. i had a feeling and asked her straight up “can i ask if you’re feeling a type of way towards me and you just don’t want to see me? i’m feeling confused” and the reply she sent me felt so jarring and shocking.

“Hi, I love and care for you a lot. I appreciate you and our friendship.

I also think you’ve been struggling for a while and our friendship tends to orbit around your problems.

I’m busy and trying to protect my time and emotional energy. Obviously I don’t want you to feel resentful, so I want to return your stuff. But I’m not interested in hanging out in the immediate future. I hope you take this without a sense that I’m being mean but as a way to understand how you interact with your friends.

I’m sorry I can’t be there for you.

I wish I had more emotional capacity, but you have been in the same emotional vortex without concrete steps to draw boundaries for many years, so I’m drawing my own. I really hope you feel better”

😦😭

i’m not one to argue so i responded: “i hear you, and i appreciate your honesty. i do carry a lot of shame around how much i’ve been struggling, and it’s something i’m actively trying to work on but am admittedly slow on.

at the same time, it’s hard and hurtful to be described as being in an emotional vortex. i’m also sad to hear that our friendship felt like it revolved around my problems—that wasn’t my intention, but i understand that the impact may have landed differently for you.

i really do value our friendship, but i respect your need for space and won’t push beyond that”

i’m devastated though. i feel judged and mischaracterized and misunderstood. someone i thought was a safe space has turned out to be a place of judgment.

i’m trying not to let this completely disregulate my nervous system but that’s not really working 🫩