r/FTMventing

Not much to do with being trans but if I talk about it anywhere else people tell me I’m probably a trans woman (not knowing I’m a trans man) or I get told “welcome to being a man” or whatever.
I just feel ignored, lonely, undesirable, etc. And I hate the way men are treated. I had it a lot easier when I was a woman, personally.

But now I’m in a weird limbo. I am proud to be queer but I’m not the kinda person to express it a lot and I pass as just some random dude. But I also don’t fit in with straight cis guys. Even if I did, it still seems isolating. I just hate expectations and the misandry and transphobia like I’m not accepted in any community.

Why am I a man then if I hate it so much? I don’t know to be honest. Being trans for me isn’t “I like the male gender role so I’m a man”. It’s not performing the male gender role. There’s something intrinsic in me that just tells me I’m a man. I just know I am.

That’s all lol. Even hearing about it ruins my day. I hate that I ever have to hear about it and have discovered it without ever looking for it. They really do try to force their fetishes on innocent people bc they get off on making people uncomfortable without their permission

God I am so pathetic lol.

I found a M/M pairing I like in a fandom and started reading some fics. Mostly romance and smut. I severely underestimated the effect reading gay fanfiction would have on me.

I spent last night crying and unable to sleep because I don't have a dick. I'll never have what these men have, I'll never be able to let another man touch me in that way because using my current genitalia makes me feel like throwing up. Even when I'm several years on T and post top, I'll always be a woman down there. Prosthetics sound like they would disappoint me. I know they work for many guys, but I would not be able to handle knowing it's not actually attached to my body or capable of full sensation. Phallo is ridiculously expensive, so it's unlikely I'll be getting that in the next 30 years. And I definitely won't have a dick during the prime ages for hookups. I don't even bother with dating or having sex, and I don't know if I ever will so long as I am missing the correct parts. All I can do is read about gay relationships and daydream about my life if I was born cis.

I love fanfiction but damn. Shit hurts.

I'm so sick of seeing post after post of trans men (often boys or stuck in that regressive stage) saying their trans girlfriend doesn't want them to transition. I'm so sick of seeing objectifying comments about 'trying tboy pussy' in random sfw social media spaces. I'm sick of weirdass jokes abt having ~transmasc vibes~ (followed by commentary like 'love being mistaken for transmasc cuz that's how I know they see me as a woman'). I'm sick of comments abt how trans lesbians have (or plan to) 'pass as transmasc.' The trans lesbians who claim to be 'passing as transmasc' always have the most transphobic shit to say about trans men, and I imagine this must affect the way actual trans men in those spaces are treated.

It's suffocating.

Most of my female friends are trans lesbian (because I'm a gay trans man), so that's why I see this a lot, admittedly- but their circles are just rancid, and they all have this defensive behavior, where objectification/subtle misgendering of trans men (+tme nbs) is encouraged, and anyone who pushes back gets dogpiled w claims of transmisogyny.

Should I just......stop trying to be friends w trans lesbians completely? I can't stand the way their friends talk about trans men, but more than that- I can't stand how trans men just let them, and rarely push back. I'm sick of seeing trans men (+mascs, +nbs, etc) allow themselves to exist as rugs. I want to shake some of these guys, but they're sunk so deep.

I'm feeling sad because I joined the Free Compliments page on reddit.

I wrote myself as "[Trans] male" (with the tag "trans") yesterday. They said it's not male monday so i can't post. So then, today, I posted on male monday with the same format, they said if you identify as trans you can't post on male monday

So i asked them if trans men are men and what day they'd like me to post and they just repeated back to me their guidelines. So idk what day to post

Does anyone know where i can post a cute selfie and get validation....lol. i know its odd but i enjoy it.

Thanks!!

is there a way for me to pass without taking hrt… i genuinely have no hope at this point.

Every person around me says I am entering a world of more privilege due to being a trans guy. I have a trans sister, and they say she's losing privilege by being trans, which is true, but now my parents and she (And my friends) says that because of intersectionality, I will face less discrimination than I did prior to being trans, and less hardship in general.

This is just not true. Just literally not true. First off--I'd have to actually be treated like a guy and have people think I'm a guy. Nearly everyone around me still uses my deadname / she her pronouns (even though my sister is trans and they get her name/pronouns right), or be out to the general public for me to get any 'male privilege'. I'd also need to get on T and currently my clinic doesn't want me to be on T (I'm not 'trans enough' for them). And second, being trans will not make me at all more privileged even if I was seen as a guy, trans guys have less privilege/control than cis women.

I'm not even gonna get into the whole lack of accepting queer community thing that trans men face. I just wish everyone around me would stop acting like all my problems will go away because I'm a trans man.

Much love to anyone who likes the term for themselves. I’m happy for you.

But oh my fucking god, when did it become acceptable to say this to any real person? I was outed by a friend to an acquaintance yesterday because he said this to me. I don’t pass to generally trans-aware people, but at least let the new guy figure it out for himself.

I’m not a “t-boy.” I have never called myself that or been ok with people calling me that. I’m a grown man. I have two jobs. I may be small but I’m sure as hell not dainty. Sure, I have swag, but it’s not because I’m trans.

What happened to just saying “your outfit is cool”?

So, I met this masc friend at McDonald's with their girlfriend (or boyfriend, I'm not sure). They asked for my number, and we ended up hanging out. The problem is, they're always asking me for money, food, or haircuts, but they never pay me back. Recently, they started asking me about transitioning. The girlfriend acted weird and said "ew" when I mentioned taking T.

They also added me to a group chat where there was some "speculation" about me. I think they probably told everyone I was trans, which I don't think is anyone's business since I'm not trying to be friends or date them. Apparently, they asked the group if I was trans without telling me, and they're just now bringing it up in the chat. I felt offended because they're so quick to ask and be blunt about others but didn't tell me anything. Meanwhile, this person is begging me for money behind the scenes and asking how to get on testosterone. Maybe it's a jealousy thing, I don't know.

Then, the friends in the group chat asked if I was ashamed of being trans. I'm not ashamed, but I don't think it's relevant. I guess since I was a bit flamboyant, they just assumed. Am I overreacting? Oh, and by the way, they're blocked now because as soon as we talked in private, they acted like it wasn't a big deal. What honestly pissed me off was them trying to gaslight me into saying I'm ashamed of being trans, and if I don’t tell anybody, I’d be 'tricking' them, which is complete BS, tbh. Nobody in that GC is even attractive to me by far, nor did I really care to make friends that bad with them. I mean, some of these people are not even in my state, and it’s like, why do I have to walk into every room and tell people that I meet, 'HEY, I’M TRANS,' like that’s all there is to me? Like, cis people don’t have to do this, neither do few gay people. It’s already hard, man, trying to date, and I don’t have any friends, seriously, and I don’t date, so this is just so difficult, and I don’t even like putting myself out there. I’m not a big people person anymore.

I posted this in r/trans but I thought I'd post it here mostly for advice.

I'm 17 FTM, my boyfriend is 18M, I'm gay and he's bi. Sorry for the long wall of text and if this is formatted weird, I don't usually post from my laptop

I don't really feel like I'm in a good headspace right now but I just need to get this out there because I can't see my therapist until next month. My boyfriend and I have been together for just over 1.5 years and I truly love him. He knew I was trans when we started dating, we had known each other for nearly 2 years by that point and I have always been pretty open about it (we went to the same school). When we first started dating I had a lot of issues, and one of them was always thinking he would leave me for a girl or that he saw me as a girl and whenever I mentioned it he took it very seriously, and always reassured me that he didn't and that I was a boy to him. I have had a lot of issues in my past relationships because of me being trans, and he genuinely is an amazing partner and treats me so well and so I always hoped he would be supportive. Just about a month ago, we got into a fight and it kinda spiraled. I don't remember the whole thing because it's very fuzzy and I'm trying to forget it (I know I shouldn't but it hurts to remember it I guess). One thing I remember was him saying he couldn't see me as a boy anymore. Why? Because I do some traditionally feminine things, which when I asked him to elaborate he didn't and continued talking. He couldn't see me as a boy anymore, he sees me as a girl and his girlfriend, and he's really struggling with it. I know how that might sound but he was crying, like a lot, and he hardly ever cries especially when he's driving (which we were at the time so I made him park while we talked). When he told me this all I could do was shut down and think. It really hurt a lot and I wasn't really thinking straight, and all I remember was telling him I would detransition for him. I don't know why I did, I know I shouldn't have, I know I basically lied to him. I don't know why I did it, and I shouldn't have.

It's been a little over a month since that day, and the fight replays in my mind every single day. We're back to normal now basically, but he calls me a girl now, he calls me "she", and his girlfriend. I don't like it. I hate it. I feel like I want to rip my skin off. He likes it when I wear dresses and keep my hair long, and I can't stand it and I hate him for it. I know it's not his fault and I shouldn't have told him I would detransition for him if I didn't want to, but it hurts so much. I don't want to leave him ever, I love him and besides this our relationship is truly amazing, but this one thing is huge. I don't know what to do. I want to transition, go on testosterone, dress more masculine, buzz my hair, but I don't want him to be angry. I don't want to hurt him. I hate myself for this, I know this is my fault. I just don't really know what to do. I'm sorry for the rant, I just need someone to know about this. I hate holding this to myself.

My bisexual cis bf who’s mainly only ever dated cis guys saw a photo of me back when I was forced to dress feminine and have ling hair I was around 16 and said “you should back this era though obviously it’s your choice” he’s never said anything like that before and I made sure before dating him that he was aware that I’m going to go on hormones and get top surgery and he was cool with that, and I just idk how to explain to him without hurting his feeling how uncomfortable him saying that made me

Edit: title meant to say he asked me to detransition idk why that autocorrected to t

My height is embarassing to even say out loud. Even as a girl it's horribly short. I hate it, I feel so ridiculous and inferior to everyone. It's so bad being waaaay shorter than any boy OR girl. I can't even claim that i'm a dude because of how short and feminine looking I am. I've repressed for so long but I can't do it anymore. I know that if I try being masculine/if i try transitioning i'll look dumb and even uglier than I already am. But i've seen this trans dude on here who's 5'0 with the great muscular physique i've always seen on tall cis dudes and that i really wanna have. He looks great on pics but idk how i'd look IRL if i'm this short and muscular. Should i even try ? I'm so ashamed i don't even wanna think of trying. I keep telling myself i'd look like a short compact weird girl trying so hard to be a dude :(

I'm almost 15 and have been out for four years already and am 95% stealth. My younger brother is having a Bar Mitzvah party and it is usual for the family hosting the party to make a video of like pictures of the bar mitzvah boy as a kid and pictures of him growing up etc. Against my choices, there is going to be a video that will be including me from before I transitioned and it will be shown to all 80 guests. My parents say they don't want to erase 8 years of my brothers life (family pictures from before I transitioned) which is valid but I think its unfair that I will get outed in front of so many people. The majority of the people going are family friends that knew me from before but there is also gonna be a lot of kids from my brother's school that don't know. I survived 3 years of middle school ducking rumors that I was gay (thankfully no one clocked me for being trans) but I will have to go to school with these kids in two years when they come to high school. My parents have been supportive from the start but they're also tough love people who think that its okay to out me in front of everyone I know. I already had to come out to two of my friends and one of my brother's friends when they came over and saw the family pictures on the wall of my house that my mom isn't willing to move elsewhere. I can survive with two or three people finding out from coming to my house but the one thing I can't handle is having to jeopardize my stealth to 50 people because of a video. My mom said I can't hide who I am and that I need to be more transparent but I think this is crazy. Is this a normal thing for my parents to be doing? How do I tell them my concerns without making it look like i'm trying to hide my identity? please help

I am NOT going to say the sub's name of course, but I'm really upset about this. If this is too close to breaking the rule of not mentioning other subs I'll take this post down though. There was a sub I really loved that I felt like I could really be myself in, at least regarding one specific "part" of myself, that I've sadly had to leave today. Not going to go into specifics, but basically some mods brought up gender-related discourse out of seemingly nowhere (the sub wasn't related to gender AT ALL) saying that misandry as a whole doesn't exist and that men can't be oppressed. Mods then proceeded to double down and even banned a bunch of users, many of whom were trans men specifically because they pointed out that people can still experience bigotry for identifying/being perceived as men even if white cis able bodied men aren't *systemically* oppressed for being men. The entire sub just doesn't feel welcoming anymore which I'm really upset about and genuinely cried because of how upset the whole thing made me. I kept seeing comments and posts from there saying that they're happy that all the crybaby men are leaving or calling us MRAs and attention seekers and stuff. I know it wasn't everyone in the sub and people are still trying to talk about the issue even after mods have made it so new posts that mention the discourse in support of men (not the ones being low/high key sexist towards men though : /) are getting deleted, but it just hurts to not feel welcomed in so-called inclusive spaces. Idk, I'm just sad. Sorry if this post is worded badly, writing coherent sentences can be very difficult for me sometimes.

I had PE today, i hang out with a few guys in my class, i kinda follow them around mostly because i like them and theyre the closest thing to friends that i actually want to hang out with that i have. Theyre kind sometimes ish, theyre funny and rarely actually mean, they joke about a lot of stuff, but i enjoy their humour and company in general. They say theyre very right leaning but i cant tell if theyre serious or joking because theyre friends with basically everyone no matter race and stuff.

We have PE outside as the weather is getting warmer and we were walking back to school from a lesson, they were carrying the baseballbats to bring back and i was walking with them. Im short, im left leaning and im trans. One of them decided to comment on that, "Totte (me) is pretty short and we have baseball bats", so i asked if i was gonna get murdered, i told him id push him in front of a car if he attacked, joking obviously, so he told me hed just steal the car instead, then he organised this whole plan of how one of the other dudes would hit me with the baseball bat in the head, we would all go to different locations to do different things, i think dismembering me was mentioned, kicking, drowning and using me as fuel to cook food. A lot of stuff. Throwing me out a window as well.

Uhh, yeah, i kinda joked with them because i dont know what else to do, nothing happened, we all got back to school safely and im at home.

I mentioned suicidal thoughts to them a while ago, like a year or two, because i was desperate for someone to ask how i was doing but no one ever did so i just kinda said it, and they just asked why i didnt do it, so like, they didnt really care which makes it a bit scary because what if they really wouldnt care, what if they actually do want me dead?

I like these guys, theyre usually fun and all, its not even the first time this guy "plans" on killing me, but nothing happened the first time and nothing happened this time.

One of them asked if i had done anything bad in my life and the first guy said that "being trans isnt bad in this context" with a very obvious implication that me being trans is bad otherwise. And honestly that kind of almost hurt more than the whole murder plan. Because theyre probably kidding about the murder, but not me being trans. But he did try to use my correct pronouns as best as he could, he corrected himself when he accidentally misgendered me.

I just want to be part of something.

I dont like being trans more than he likes me being trans, I DONT LIKE ME MORE THAN HE LIKES ME AND HE JUST MADE A PLAN TO MURDER ME.

Im pretty sure it was all a joke but im sad.

TLDR; closest thing ive had to friends in my class "jokingly" planned out a whole scheme to murder me because of my politics and now im sad.

Thank you for your time. I dont really want to do anything about it, just a few weeks until im leaving this school, i really just want to be part of something until then. I just wanted to talk to someone. Thank you.

UPDATE: i told my mum, i texted her and she responded that i had in fact joked back and this guy just likes being over the top so im not in danger and its fine. Yay? I dont really like how chill she was with someone telling me their plan to kill me, but ok

I think it's a mix of dysphoria and mabey internalized homophobia ??? (I'm bi)

Idk...but how do I get rid of that ???

For the most part, my cis partner of almost 8 years has been supportive and has done his best to accommodate me and my transition ever since I came out to him as a trans man 3-4 years ago. For a couple years before that, I identified as nonbinary which he also was more or less very good with, minus the occasional mistake especially towards the beginning when he was adjusting. I was also not out to anyone else for fear of my safety (bad home situation) so I understood how having to use the wrong pronouns for me with other ppl affected that. I only started the coming out process with his family earlier this year in January. I'd have started sooner but I wanted to wait til I started T and I still fear for my safety if ppl know, even after moving out of my parent's house.

But moments like these just make me stop and remember that he's still cis and won't ever really understand how much shit like this hurts.

I was showing him TikToks I had favorited on my phone and we were looking at one that said "80% of organ donors are women and 80% of organ recipients are men" and he stopped and was thinking for a minute before he said "does that mean you guys have fatal head injuries more often" or something like that.

"You guys" as in, lumping me in with women. He immediately could tell that hurt me and tried to say he meant females as if that really helps.

So that immediately ruined my mood because I'm constantly reminded of all my flaws every single day, from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep. I have really been trying to take it easy on myself and stop expecting perfection but I do not pass whatsoever, his fucking mom misgenders me every single time she speaks to/about me, and I'm so sick of being constantly reminded of being born wrong and not being able to do shit about it. I can't afford surgery, I have long hair because I'm fucking ugly and have a round face, and I feel like I'm never gonna be fucking free as myself. His family had a gathering today which I did not go to, one of the reasons being that I didn't want to get misgendered again because it upsets me so badly. But he comes home and says that to me and I guess I didn't even need to go to the gathering to be reminded that when people look at me, they'll always see an ugly, angry woman first before they ever see a man.

Now he's all huffy as if he has any reason to be mad at me when he was the one who hurt me lol, and I'm just so tired of trying to make him understand how shit like this makes me feel as if I have any obligation to. I don't really know what to say to him rn, I just feel so empty and sick of my life. I'm sick of being stuck in this hell. Sometimes I'd rather give up than fight with myself and other people for the rest of my life. I'm only 23 and it feels like it's over for me.
I guess I could just use some advice. I can't work and hardly leave the house, am borderline agoraphobic, depressed as fuck, having panic attacks all the time now, and could really use a friend.

I want to add that he did apologize, but yk, what he said was already said at that point so...

TW: DYSPHORIA, BOTTOM SURGERY, SEX, ECT...

I'm FTM, straight, been on testosterone for 1,5 years, but no surgery at all, on the waitlist for top.

It has been 1 year that I'm in relationship with my girlfriend, but it genuinely feels weird to be 100% dominant. I strongly want to, but most of the time, I feel incomplete without a dick. I've tried a strap-on, but it gives me a lot of distress to know that it isn't mine.

I know using my hands and my mouth is considered dominant enough, but I still feel heavily exposed as "not being a real man" and I hate it. I genuinely enjoy sex, but there's always these moments in which I became self-conscious and I got out of the moment...

It just feels weird that I can't just put my dick inside a woman and feel pleasure from it...

I know you cant just stop being trans but let me explain

I was able to be on T for 4 years total (non-consecutively) and get top surgery. T didnt really do much for me except lower my voice and give me a bit of extra body hair. And just a little bit of muscle. Barely any bottom growth, I'm whip-thin so really no fat redistribution. Did not get anything else. I'm sure my time on T being spliced by a year off did not help, and only 4 years isn't a whole lot anyway. And now Im off permanently. I'm physically unable to take it without endangering my health (hence the year off, I was trying to find a way to go back on T safely, then tried T again when I thought I'd found it, but it didn't work).

I don't really pass. My voice does, but I have the "T voice" so all queer people and some cishet people clock me. Since my name is very traditionally masc and all my legal documents say male/my new name, no coworkers misgender me. But all I ever get outside of coworkers and family is she/her, ma'am, etc. And I've realized lately I just do not have the emotional bandwidth to care anymore. Customers say "ma'am" and I just hit them with "how can I help you?" Some correct themselves, some don't, some look at me like I just kidnapped their firstborn child.

And even though coworkers call me by my proper name and he/him, it's only because they don't know me by anything else. I have this straight guy with a girlfriend flirting with me. He's cheated on her twice, and I think I'm the target for the third time. Won't accept, obviously. But just like the last straight guy into me, he keeps making jokes about my height and how small I am and he says it with such affection. He'd clearly say I'm "cute" if that wouldn't get him in trouble at work. I'm 5'2", like I said whip-thin, not broad at all. It's very clear to everyone that I'm trans. Especially because there's another trans guy at work who's open about it and looks a lot like me. Discouraging, given he's only 1yr on T and pre-op. But good for him for the fast progress I guess.

But like I said, I just do not have the emotional bandwidth anymore. Dating as trans is a nightmare. Straight men keep falling for me, and honestly I keep falling for straight men. At this point I've just let my hair grow out because no one near me knows how to cut curly hair and they just butcher it every time (I don't know how to cut it either and also butchered it last time). Can't shave my head because my hairline is pretty feminine. I can only afford to buy cheap clothes from Walmart or thrift, but all men's clothes are either too big, sport-related, or end up making me look tiny as fuck in the shoulders even in the rare case they fit. So I end up in the women's section anyway (how do some women's shirts have more structure and broadness in the shoulders then men's shirts??)

I was never able to replicate the way cis men are. Maybe I fucked myself over by planning on being stealth and trying to be some macho cis dude. Not toxically masculine (tried that many years ago pre-T and wanted to die because of how confining that is), but still very stereotypically masculine.

I just can't do it anymore. I can't take correcting people. I cant take people clocking me as trans or being outed because that feels so vulnerable. I can't take how hard dating is. I hate having the stereotypical trans masc/trans man voice. I'm still trying to pack on muscle but without T, it's so slow-going. And I don't even know if I'm doing it right. I think I've just genuinely lost hope and do not have the capacity to care anymore. I don't correct anyone, I wear what fits and what I can afford, and Im kind of starting to wonder if it'd be worth it to change my name again. Probably not legally because that's a huge hassle and I do still like my name. But changing it to a neutral nickname or something so people can assume I'm just a tomboy or a bit of an androgynous woman instead of trans. I guess basically detransitioning without full committal.

I know "death before detransition" and all but I dont want to die and my current lack of care for gender, gender expectations, gender roles, etc., makes me think I can possibly be fine with just being androgyne or something. And letting people refer to me however they please. I just give up, man. I can't keep doing this. I'm going to drive myself batshit insane again.