u/rookcanisite

I know you cant just stop being trans but let me explain

I was able to be on T for 4 years total (non-consecutively) and get top surgery. T didnt really do much for me except lower my voice and give me a bit of extra body hair. And just a little bit of muscle. Barely any bottom growth, I'm whip-thin so really no fat redistribution. Did not get anything else. I'm sure my time on T being spliced by a year off did not help, and only 4 years isn't a whole lot anyway. And now Im off permanently. I'm physically unable to take it without endangering my health (hence the year off, I was trying to find a way to go back on T safely, then tried T again when I thought I'd found it, but it didn't work).

I don't really pass. My voice does, but I have the "T voice" so all queer people and some cishet people clock me. Since my name is very traditionally masc and all my legal documents say male/my new name, no coworkers misgender me. But all I ever get outside of coworkers and family is she/her, ma'am, etc. And I've realized lately I just do not have the emotional bandwidth to care anymore. Customers say "ma'am" and I just hit them with "how can I help you?" Some correct themselves, some don't, some look at me like I just kidnapped their firstborn child.

And even though coworkers call me by my proper name and he/him, it's only because they don't know me by anything else. I have this straight guy with a girlfriend flirting with me. He's cheated on her twice, and I think I'm the target for the third time. Won't accept, obviously. But just like the last straight guy into me, he keeps making jokes about my height and how small I am and he says it with such affection. He'd clearly say I'm "cute" if that wouldn't get him in trouble at work. I'm 5'2", like I said whip-thin, not broad at all. It's very clear to everyone that I'm trans. Especially because there's another trans guy at work who's open about it and looks a lot like me. Discouraging, given he's only 1yr on T and pre-op. But good for him for the fast progress I guess.

But like I said, I just do not have the emotional bandwidth anymore. Dating as trans is a nightmare. Straight men keep falling for me, and honestly I keep falling for straight men. At this point I've just let my hair grow out because no one near me knows how to cut curly hair and they just butcher it every time (I don't know how to cut it either and also butchered it last time). Can't shave my head because my hairline is pretty feminine. I can only afford to buy cheap clothes from Walmart or thrift, but all men's clothes are either too big, sport-related, or end up making me look tiny as fuck in the shoulders even in the rare case they fit. So I end up in the women's section anyway (how do some women's shirts have more structure and broadness in the shoulders then men's shirts??)

I was never able to replicate the way cis men are. Maybe I fucked myself over by planning on being stealth and trying to be some macho cis dude. Not toxically masculine (tried that many years ago pre-T and wanted to die because of how confining that is), but still very stereotypically masculine.

I just can't do it anymore. I can't take correcting people. I cant take people clocking me as trans or being outed because that feels so vulnerable. I can't take how hard dating is. I hate having the stereotypical trans masc/trans man voice. I'm still trying to pack on muscle but without T, it's so slow-going. And I don't even know if I'm doing it right. I think I've just genuinely lost hope and do not have the capacity to care anymore. I don't correct anyone, I wear what fits and what I can afford, and Im kind of starting to wonder if it'd be worth it to change my name again. Probably not legally because that's a huge hassle and I do still like my name. But changing it to a neutral nickname or something so people can assume I'm just a tomboy or a bit of an androgynous woman instead of trans. I guess basically detransitioning without full committal.

I know "death before detransition" and all but I dont want to die and my current lack of care for gender, gender expectations, gender roles, etc., makes me think I can possibly be fine with just being androgyne or something. And letting people refer to me however they please. I just give up, man. I can't keep doing this. I'm going to drive myself batshit insane again.

Wordy as fuck title but that's the gist of it

I live as a binary trans man right now but recently came to the conclusion that I don't really fuck with gender as a whole. I don't feel like a mix of genders and I don't feel completely devoid, it's more like I'm spiritually beyond that? And I dont mean in a "Im better than you" way when I say "beyond that" (had someome jump to that conclusion).

I'm white, so I cant use the term two-spirit or any similar indigenous terms. But I do feel like I physically embody both masculine and feminine (though my gender is not either) and function in a sort of "third gender" way, so is there a different term I can use? I guess it's not *really* important since it'll just be for me. I don't know if I'll publicly come out as nonbinary because I don't like the idea of constantly having to assert my gender, and I worry about people seeing me as Woman-Lite. But I'd like to put a proper word to my feelings even if only I know it fits.

I don't even know why this is a thing for me. I can only describe myself as "trans" and nothing else. "Transgender" feels juvenile and non-serious. Maybe because of how the media across multiple countries has made us out to be recently. But "transsexual" feels *too* serious and also carries a lot of baggage, and I associate it with people who have gotten bottom surgery, plan on getting it, or want it even if it's unaccessible. And I don't plan on bottom surgery (couldn't even afford it if I wanted it anyway).

I guess it's not exactly bad to identify as simply trans and not transgender or transsexual. But it still feels kind of weird. Everyone else seems comfortable with at least one of the two terms, if not both. So why do I dislike both?

So I've recently started dipping my toes into the world of dating apps, and my expectations were NOT high to begin with. I'm using Tinder since Grindr seems like a cesspool only made for hookups, and that's absolutely not what I want. I've matched with a few guys now that have "no hookups" in their bios. But every time I end up chatting with one of them, they immediately say something like "lets just hang out at my place or yours and see where it goes." Like??? I KNOW that means sex. And I tell them I dont do hookups and assumed they also dont since their bio literally SAYS THAT, and then I get unmatched. Like?? Why is this so common with gay guys?? I'm not even mad about getting unmatched. I don't talk to any of these guys long enough to get attached. But why put "no hookups" if that's clearly what they're looking for?