I want to transition but I told my boyfriend I wouldn't and now I don't know what to do.
I posted this in r/trans but I thought I'd post it here mostly for advice.
I'm 17 FTM, my boyfriend is 18M, I'm gay and he's bi. Sorry for the long wall of text and if this is formatted weird, I don't usually post from my laptop
I don't really feel like I'm in a good headspace right now but I just need to get this out there because I can't see my therapist until next month. My boyfriend and I have been together for just over 1.5 years and I truly love him. He knew I was trans when we started dating, we had known each other for nearly 2 years by that point and I have always been pretty open about it (we went to the same school). When we first started dating I had a lot of issues, and one of them was always thinking he would leave me for a girl or that he saw me as a girl and whenever I mentioned it he took it very seriously, and always reassured me that he didn't and that I was a boy to him. I have had a lot of issues in my past relationships because of me being trans, and he genuinely is an amazing partner and treats me so well and so I always hoped he would be supportive. Just about a month ago, we got into a fight and it kinda spiraled. I don't remember the whole thing because it's very fuzzy and I'm trying to forget it (I know I shouldn't but it hurts to remember it I guess). One thing I remember was him saying he couldn't see me as a boy anymore. Why? Because I do some traditionally feminine things, which when I asked him to elaborate he didn't and continued talking. He couldn't see me as a boy anymore, he sees me as a girl and his girlfriend, and he's really struggling with it. I know how that might sound but he was crying, like a lot, and he hardly ever cries especially when he's driving (which we were at the time so I made him park while we talked). When he told me this all I could do was shut down and think. It really hurt a lot and I wasn't really thinking straight, and all I remember was telling him I would detransition for him. I don't know why I did, I know I shouldn't have, I know I basically lied to him. I don't know why I did it, and I shouldn't have.
It's been a little over a month since that day, and the fight replays in my mind every single day. We're back to normal now basically, but he calls me a girl now, he calls me "she", and his girlfriend. I don't like it. I hate it. I feel like I want to rip my skin off. He likes it when I wear dresses and keep my hair long, and I can't stand it and I hate him for it. I know it's not his fault and I shouldn't have told him I would detransition for him if I didn't want to, but it hurts so much. I don't want to leave him ever, I love him and besides this our relationship is truly amazing, but this one thing is huge. I don't know what to do. I want to transition, go on testosterone, dress more masculine, buzz my hair, but I don't want him to be angry. I don't want to hurt him. I hate myself for this, I know this is my fault. I just don't really know what to do. I'm sorry for the rant, I just need someone to know about this. I hate holding this to myself.