r/BPDlovedones

How you gonna fumble a man with a stable job, income, savings, good credit, car, has 2-3 close friends, all about her and worshipped the ground she walked on, didn’t mind going out of his way to spend time with her, put miles on his car, spent a fortune on gas, fortune on oil changes, paid medical bills for her while asking nothing in return, got her flowers for no reason, got her gifts for no reason, spoiled her for Christmas and Valentine’s Day, had dates and events planned, takes care of his mental heath in therapy, was willing to change for her, endlessly defended her when everyone else said she was full of shit, overlooked red flags and chose to keep loving her, had eyes for nobody else and would’ve loved her forever, family oriented man who’s family liked and welcomed her, doesn’t need sex and is content with basic affection, constantly hyped her up and told her how beautiful she is, was reassuring, careful of triggers, literally scheduled an evaluation to fix an issue in the relationship (potential ADHD on my end), wanted to be able to provide and take care of her so she could pursue her desires, spent HOURS researching BPD to try to understand. I could probably keep going. Meanwhile she has no job, no money, no car, no license, no savings, medical debt, still lives with parents (which is fine, I do too but I pay half of everything), refuses help for mental health treatment. Again, could go on. But it was “my loss” apparently.

Has anyone else seen the rise of videos saying “being a parent with BPD is insane because wdym my child causes me to split”

And in the comments it’s being defended as acceptable “because they can’t help it” and someone commented “child = the ultimate favorite person” with dozens of likes on it.

I’m appalled! Fp is a very bad thing and hard to deal with as an adult, I can’t imagine being a child and dependent on that person as well.

Lots of people defending and justifying poor behavior toward their kids and others saying they shouldn’t post that because it “demonises the disorder” and “makes people not want to understand them” when it should be “get help” and “this isn’t okay”, not “oh no people will see me for who I am and I can’t play victim”

It confirmed I was right to walk away from my ex w bpd, I was her fp and she put me through hell and im glad we never moved in together. She has kids, so do I.

Thankfully mine were never exposed to her wrath directly, though she said nasty things about them and I when I left, even made fun of my child’s special needs. She hid that side of her well, even from her friends and family and seeing the Tik Tok comments it seems quite common.

And yes not all are that way. But too many are.

Can someone explain to me why they will cheat on you, lie to you, manipulate you, and still play victim?

They will even admit to doing all those things but still play the victim

Has anyone else experienced this? Why do they do this? Are they that delusional?

I have posted in this subreddit before and I have long been a lurker on here as I have delt with three people with bpd, each leaving me deeply traumatized. It has taken me years to come back to myself, learn proper boundaries and learn to spot the signs of splitting and if I am a fp.

From my years of toxic friendships with people with bpd I like to think I have gotten very good at sensing who may have the disorder and choosing to stay far away for my own boundaries. At work, a new woman started and during her orientation I got an immediate sense that this is someone with bpd. I of course wasn't going to socially isolate her, nor share this assumption with coworkers. If she does have the disorder, I understand it is not her fault and it is not my place to investigate or make her feel anything negative.

We shared a lunch break and I wanted to get to know her and help her feel welcomed since I did feel bad for my initial internal judgement. It didn't take long until the subject of mental health was brought up and... I was right. She indeed suffers from bpd. She shared with me her experience destroying her life multiple times and she explained how many people with bpd end up repeating patterns of destruction.

It was very vulnerable of her and I shared my experience with being the target of a scorned bpd suffer once I set a boundary or they split on me. And she explained why I may attract these people often. She explained people with bpd will often target kind, open and sensitive people and when they split they will target the most present aspect of someone to destroy. Like a impulse they cannot help it. She explained her own experience doing this to several people. And then explained that once she destroyed her life beyond repair and had nothing left, she finally sought help and took accountability. I was proud of her for it, and while I am paraphrasing her she did explain many people suffering from the disorder do not want to get better, many will keep repeating the cycles of abuse and destruction until there is nothing left.

It was a good conversation and felt like closure for the pain the other unhealed sufferers caused me. I do my best to make sure this coworker feels included and if we take lunch breaks together I am happy to chat but I maintain strong boundaries. No personal information being shared, she cannot have my phone number, no hanging out outside of work, essentially we are coworkers nothing else. She understands these boundaries and is very respectful. She seems very healed and is of course not responsible for the actions of others, but I still have a ways to go in feeling comfortable around people with bpd. People like her give me hope that you can turn a new leaf.

What is it about us, the people who love the pwBPD, that makes us take them back after they have broken our trust? Normally, people break up with cheaters, liars and toxic people, but when it comes to pwBPD, so many of us take them back even after they have left us after treating us so badly. So what is it about us that makes us easy prey for their manipulations? Are we gullible, hopeless romantics, desperate, kind hearted or what? For me, I would say I didn’t have enough self-respect to break it off earlier. Now, I have grown in self-respect, I won’t take her back unless she shows changes after many months of sobriety and therapy. Otherwise, it’s no contact. So what is it about us that we love such unworthy people?

Hi everyone. I posted here before but deleted it because I felt guilty—like I was talking about my husband behind his back. I’m still struggling and just really need some clarity and support.

I’m 23 and my husband is 31. I’m starting to feel like there are some serious red flags in my marriage, but I keep second-guessing myself. He has BPD and ADHD, and from the beginning our relationship has been very intense. When he’s not working, he wants all of my time and attention. We’re together constantly, and I feel like I’m not allowed to have a life outside of him.

I’m a stay-at-home mom to my 3-year-old, but even then, it feels like my husband still needs the focus to be on him. When he talks about the future, it’s always just about “us” as a couple—he’s even said he wouldn’t want our kids to be affectionate with him, only his partner, which really unsettled me.

If we’re apart, he’s constantly calling, texting, or sending things on social media—even if we’re upset with each other and not speaking. He gets very easily understimulated, which turns into anger or deep lows, and the only thing that seems to help is sex. It’s been a few days without it, and he’s been very agitated. I’ve felt a lot of pressure throughout our relationship to give in just to keep the peace, and I’m honestly exhausted.

I’ve even had to completely change my sleep routine. My whole life I’ve been someone who needs to go to bed around 8:30 PM to function properly. Now I’m forcing myself to stay up until around midnight because he stays up late, and he’s admitted he feels angry when I start getting tired around 10 PM. It’s been really hard on me physically and mentally.

I spend my days at home cleaning, cooking, and caring for my child. We only have one car and very limited finances, so I rarely get to see friends or even talk to anyone. When I bring up doing something on my own—like a girls trip, going to the spa, or even getting my nails done—he says those are things we should do together. It makes me feel like I’m not allowed to exist as my own person.

I’m also realizing how young I am and how I never really got to experience adulthood for myself. My life has been centered entirely around being a mother and a wife, and I feel like I’ve lost who I am outside of that.

Another layer of stress is that he wants me to get pregnant constantly, and we’ve been trying for about two years without success. Despite frequent attempts, I haven’t been able to carry a pregnancy, and it’s been emotionally exhausting. My fertility specialist has told me that everything looks healthy and they can’t find anything wrong on my end, which leaves me feeling confused and discouraged.

Lately, my marriage has been affecting me physically and mentally. I’ve lost a lot of weight, I’m barely eating, my anxiety and depression feel overwhelming, and my hair has started falling out. I’ve also been experiencing repeated chemical pregnancies, which has been really hard on me emotionally.

On top of that, my mother-in-law is telling people that I’m manipulating him and keeping him from his family, but the truth is he doesn’t even give me space for myself, let alone time to manage outside relationships.

I feel overwhelmed, isolated, and honestly like I’m losing myself. I don’t know what’s normal anymore, and I’m scared I’m ignoring something serious. I just really need some outside perspective and support right now.

Did yours early on or in the dating stage blatantly go through your phone? For me I'd give him my phone to look at a reel or photo and I'd be distracted like eating and he would be immediately scrolling through my reddit app, my messages and social media. Then I would question why he would do that and he responded he was just bored.

I'd leave to use the toilet and he somehow had memorized my lockscreen code and went through my phone... No permission

Later on I needed to show him one message about some good news on a friend, he grabbed my phone and started scrolling through ALL the messages between me and this friend and he landed on one where I was talking about him. I tried to grab my phone back but he refused. I said nothing negative, just the way you'd talk to a friend about the guy you're dating and vetting. he went on a full on split and spiral, angry, moody, threatened to hit items, accused me of breaking up with him. That was the first time I was scared of physical abuse and really saw the potential for him to explode in seconds.

Of course, after a 3 hour circular argument, I ended up being the one that had to apologize. fml.

before learning about BPD I was at the lowest point in my life continuously caused by the same man on/off for the last 8 years. I never understood what relationship I had with him but nonetheless it always became completely destabilizing.  Some point after I broke down crying in his bed asking why he kept doing things to hurt me (I had trouble functioning after weeks of splitting and being used as emotional regulation) his sibling let slip that one of his many therapists over the years discussed with him the possibility of BPD. 

I stumbed across this subreddit while looking up resources for BPD thinking I could be helpful and act perfectly he would stop mistreating me. While reading through posts I saw what I was going through....for like years being discussed over and over. I finally had a name for what was going on, y'all helped me not feel so alone. After months of push/pull I realized that I didn't have to keep being bullied, degraded, and disrespected by someone who told me they loved me.  I started going to therapy, addressed my own issues of why i kept going back, I enforced a hard boundary and have been 2 months mostly NC.

I'm making this post to say that just being able to read similar stories helped me feel seen at my lowest. i just wanted to thank everyone for being open with their struggles it helped me see i wasn't alone. Not everyday is easy but it gets better even when it feels like it can't, i hope everyone is able to get free as well.

(Whoever posted book recommendations for: "The body keeps the score" Bessel van der Kolk and "why does he do that" Lundy Bancroft, that was extremely helpful!)

So I of course see posts on the front page and check other subs etc. A lot of posts are made with text images and the comments are saying if my partner ever spoke to me like that I would leave or this isn't love. The crazy part is the messages are TAME compared to even the smallest bpd episode message. I see these messages and think man that hurdle is passable as I look back at old messages being called the absolute worst possible things a human could think of. Things I wouldn't even say to my worst enemy let alone somebody I thought about marrying and go yet I stayed. Friends/family/therapists see the messages and go do you really think this is love and I just can't help but try to defend them by saying they have BPD as if this absolves them of all the trauma and pain they caused.

we broke up because he said that pedophilia is fine if the child was unwatched, and that my own csa was deserved because i went alone with someone i deemed as a friend of my own age. oh and it turned out that he lied about every single piece of his upbringing was made up. but he’s not angry at me and he wishes me the best lmao bye

Was just wondering what everyone's thoughts on personal privacy in a relationship are. I've been dating a pwBPD for nearly 4 years now, and one of our biggest issues is personal privacy. She wants full access to everything, but I, on the other hand, believe there should be a certain level of privacy in a relationship. She can be extremely jealous at times and has very bad trust issues. Since we've been together, almost everything I do is with her. I rarely do anything without her. I can count on one hand how many times I've actually gone to hang out with friends/family since we've been together.

We live together, work at the same job, carpool, and take breaks together. The only time I actually do something without her is when I go to the gym that is a minute down the road, and she sometimes goes with me as well. With that said, she still somehow thinks I'm cheating/being unfaithful. Her reasoning? I'm very hesitant to show her my phone. Now, that may sound bad at first, BUT bear with me-she doesn't want my phone just to make sure I'm not talking to other women, have dating apps installed, or have any NSFW photos saved..she wants access to every single thing.

Files, gallery, messages between me and my mom or other family members, conversations between friends, videos I watch on YouTube, almost anything that I have on there, she HAS to see if she gets a "feeling" which is almost everyday now. I'm not hiding anything or being unfaithful, I just don't like the idea of someone having THAT much access. What if I'm talking to my Mom about something family related that's private, such as information that she doesn't want to disclose with others? I don't believe that she needs access to that unless it was something my Mom wanted to discuss freely, but she disagrees.

Never in my mind would I want to go through her phone and read every thing her and her friends talk about or what conversations she has with her family members. She's also gotten angry at me before because I've listened to a certain song or watched a YT video she didn't like, so that adds to my hesitation when she asks to see my phone because I have no clue what random thing she sees on my phone may set her off, as when she splits, something seemingly normal can set her off.

This all leads to me feeling like I'm being filmed when I'm doing anything on my phone. The cameras are always rolling, so I am always having to act a certain way. This changes the way I talk to my family or friends because I know she's just going to read every single thing that's sent. The hesitation isn't because I'm talking about her in a bad light to someone or texting another woman- It's just the odd feeling of knowing that everything I send is browsed over constantly.

When we get into huge arguments, this topic is always brought up and when I tell her how I feel about it, she acts like privacy is something that is made up and that everything is public when you're in a relationship no matter what it is. She screams at me, saying that I HAVE to be hiding something if I'm that hesitant. The "feeling" is her having a dream that I cheated, therefore; she must look at everything on my phone. I listen to a song that has a girl singing, she gets the "feeling". I dress nicely to a doctors appointment, the "feeling". I want to go to bed earlier than her because I have an exam for my online class early in the morning, she gets the "feeling". It's exhausting.

It all began as her simply just saying early on in our relationship that since she's been cheated on before (we both have), that sometimes just being sure that each other are being faithful is a good thing, and I agreed. Now it's devolved into what it is now, 24/7 surveillance because of the "feeling". What are your guys' thoughts on privacy in a relationship, and does anyone else deal with something like this with their pwBPD?

I know people have gone through the random breakup text then vanish. What i mean is one day they just *poof* gone, no responding to texts, nothing. just as if they never existed? No communication about leaving etc. just one day texts then next day gone for good?

idk if im blocked or not, she has never blocked me prior even during some bad splits. And i dont care enough to figure that out.

was just wondering lol weirdest shit ngl its ight, two days after this happened, started talking to someone else much healthier and hasnt started lovebombing me 😊 and she knows everything and knows not to rush.

Mine would be when we were driving (she was driver) and she straight up zoned out hard on the road and almost got us T-boned by a passing car by almost a hair. I screamed and was rattled for the rest of the ride because at the speed that car was going, we would have been done and because I just saw her zone out behind the wheel. I also can’t drive medically so there was no switching drivers. Tell me why she got angry I got upset😭 She kept asking for reassurance that I didn’t hate her forever and even parked the car for an “are we good” conversation. Like she straight up was upset that I got scared that we were almost T-boned and she somehow managed to make me the bad guy in that scenario

I was dumped two months ago by my ex (PWBPD); I was her longest-ever relationship, but despite that she dumped me and moved on to someone else.

In the past, she used to block and unblock an ex of hers.

Could she be doing the same with me? The difference is that she was the one who left me, not the other way round.

Or is she not getting back in touch because she’s ashamed?

Also, she’s had many relationships and casual flings, all of which have failed.

Could the length of our relationship help? Or do they just need to keep believing in their made-up fairy tale where we’re the monsters and they’re the victims?

It seems like, since the begining of the relationship, he has hated me and thought the worst of me, in-between telling me otherwise. He argued with me, accused me of things, and blamed me for all of it. He only apoglized when I pulled away, admitting to treating me badly, and promising to change. But he was quick to go back to blaming me and denying any wrongdoing. I rarely tried to hold him accountable, and the few times I did, he turned it around on me. He said he was a nice guy, everyone thought so, and they'd disagree with my perception of him. As time went on, he took out all of his frustrations on me, everything wrong in his life, in the relationship, was my fault. He threatened to leave during every argument. After I went back to his country with him, he constantly threatened to kick me out.

He said I was ruining the relationship for questioning his intentions, due to his hot and cold behavior, and contradictory statements talking one day about a future together, and then asking me what my plans for the future were the next. He seemed to resent having to help me, or do anything for me or with me. After a year he started accused me of ruining his life daily. He talked about breaking up repeatedly, and said I made him feel like a bad person. He told me, when I complained about how he was treating me, to leave if he was so bad, questioning why I stayed if he was, and telling me he wasn't forcing me to. He begged me not to when I tried, and promised to change. He went months after that being mean to and telling me in every argument, or disagreement, he didn't love me and never did.

He was mean to me, avoided me, and called me codependant and needy when I got upset over that. He went from, in the past getting upset with me speaking to my friends, and wanting all of my attention, to encourging me to talk to these same friends and getting annoyed when I didn't. For years it seemed he followed a cycle. Nice one day, mean and/or distant (often both) the next. He would start and/or esclate arguments, which he blamed me for, and would leave the room giving me the silent treatment for days. He did this back to back at times. He spent little to no time with me, and was mean to me whenever he was around me. Every time I went home, I wanted to stay back, but he'd beg me not to and tell me he needed me. He'd tell me for months after that he didn't want me around.

He told me to go home. He said he didn't force me to come back, it was my choice, when I asked him why he begged me to if he didn't want me here. He said he didn't love me, and when I said he used me then, he'd backpedal and say he was on the fence or was confused. I tried to get help from family to leave, and they wouldn't help. He complained about that, though he said he didn't want me gone. When it seemed they were going to help, he called them, and I believe sabotaged it but denied it, and then went back to complaining. Days after we got married, he threatened to divorce me. When we went to America last, I wanted to talk to family, and he begged me not to. He promsied everything would change. He said if I wanted to leave, he'd help me.

We came back, nothing changed. He kept promising to it would, and telling me he needed me here. He promised to change, to get better, and akwnowleged for the first time in years he has BPD. After I got upset with him several times over things he did, he started to complain about that, and saying that he wanted me gone, that he hates my family for not helping me, and that he is stuck with me. Over time, he has started to become more frequently hot and cold. One day telling me he loves me, spending time with me, talking about the future. The next day being distant, easily annoyed, disinterested, and complaining he needs space, seemingly bothered by my presence. This happens multiple times per week. Arguements, usually caused by me being upset with him, or criticizing him, brings it out him the most.

In the past week he's told me he wants me gone, and to go home, whilst also talking about moving out and a future together. With as much as he says he wants me gone, and acts like he can't stand me, and doesn't care, I think that's the truth. But he says he doesn't mean it, that he is angry, and that he means it when he's talking about wanting a future. Today, during an argument, he talked about divorce. Then said he didn't mean it, then when right back to saying it in another argument we had, and said he didn't mean it again. He refused to help me leave before, when I wanted to once we were back, though he said he would. He told me to do it alone. In America, twice now, he is has threatened to leave during arguments and acted like he was going to.

Last year, he suddenly worried about me slandering him, and ruining his life. He wanted me to delete videos, and photos, which were innocent but he said could make him look bad. He said he worried I'd send them to his teacher, or someone, but also said I could show my mother. I asked when I'd do that, and he said if we broke up. He has used his mother, and has tried to use mine, against me, attempting to convince them I am the issue. He got angry when I refused to delete anything. He said notes I have, about our issues, and the quantity of them could make me look abused, but denies I have been. I think that he wants me gone, but worries I'll slander him, and also doesn't want any part of it. Does it seem like that to anyone else? And has anyone else experienced this?

I (M24) broke up with my ex-pwBPD for the second time yesterday morning. She was dismissive and self-centered and manipulative, but like an idiot I believed her when she said she'd change and prioritize our relationship over anything else.

Then she cheated and the last bit of empathy/love/hope I had for her died and I spent two weeks planning my exit strategy. I called up old friends to reconnect, I allowed myself to truly let go of her internally, and gathered her stuff in a bag to have a mutual friend bring to her when it was time.

I am 100% sure I made the right choice. I was getting to the point where I couldn't really feel emotions (other than sadness and anger) and I was physically repulsed by her touch. I know this was the right thing to do.

And yet...

I went NC with her and I told her I would to her face. I blocked her on everything and ignored her in person whenever she would show up to try and talk to me (we attend university together).

However, in the past 24 hours I have received:

1 email titled "don't ignore me"

multiple calls from a private number

1 really ugly voicemail

To top it off, I went to karaoke last night with a different mutual friend and she somehow managed to figure out where I was and asked him if I was cheating on her with some other bitch (the irony is crazy). She then informed him that she was at the bar next door and waiting for me. I left the bar ASAP and went home and locked my doors before I went to bed because it wouldn’t have surprised me if she tried to sneak in while I slept.

I've never been stalked like this before and I'm scared. I also feel somewhat guilty because I know that I triggered her fear of abandonment and she's suffering but I don't know how to explain to her that she causes people to abandon her with her actions.

Have any of you had similar experiences and if so, how did you manage to protect yourselves?

Hey there!

So my ex broke up around two years ago, we were together for around 10.

And the first thing im gonna say is, i was not perfect. This is the burden ive been carrying since the day she broke up. That i couldve been better - because i actually could. Issues with work and at times being not able to trust her. I would become annoying, asking too many questions.

Nothing i would describe as being abusive, but yeah - annoying at times.

Now, she ist not diagnosed. But the things she did and said are kind of the reason i am here now. Regularly yelling in fights, sometimes literal screeching. Threats of breaking up so i would back down, verbal abuse, threatening to crash into trees whiles driving with me in it, threats of suicide and even threatened to kill me once.

Theres probably stuff im missing. But thats just to give you a general idea.

She once suggested she might be bpd. Thats it. Suffice to say, she never had to experience anything like it from me.

And i sit here with guilt, that i couldve saved it if i had been better. That the bpd thing im reading about is just pure cope, and me trying to dodge responsibilty.

My brain is scrambled.