Is this normal or am I ignoring red flags?
Hi everyone. I posted here before but deleted it because I felt guilty—like I was talking about my husband behind his back. I’m still struggling and just really need some clarity and support.
I’m 23 and my husband is 31. I’m starting to feel like there are some serious red flags in my marriage, but I keep second-guessing myself. He has BPD and ADHD, and from the beginning our relationship has been very intense. When he’s not working, he wants all of my time and attention. We’re together constantly, and I feel like I’m not allowed to have a life outside of him.
I’m a stay-at-home mom to my 3-year-old, but even then, it feels like my husband still needs the focus to be on him. When he talks about the future, it’s always just about “us” as a couple—he’s even said he wouldn’t want our kids to be affectionate with him, only his partner, which really unsettled me.
If we’re apart, he’s constantly calling, texting, or sending things on social media—even if we’re upset with each other and not speaking. He gets very easily understimulated, which turns into anger or deep lows, and the only thing that seems to help is sex. It’s been a few days without it, and he’s been very agitated. I’ve felt a lot of pressure throughout our relationship to give in just to keep the peace, and I’m honestly exhausted.
I’ve even had to completely change my sleep routine. My whole life I’ve been someone who needs to go to bed around 8:30 PM to function properly. Now I’m forcing myself to stay up until around midnight because he stays up late, and he’s admitted he feels angry when I start getting tired around 10 PM. It’s been really hard on me physically and mentally.
I spend my days at home cleaning, cooking, and caring for my child. We only have one car and very limited finances, so I rarely get to see friends or even talk to anyone. When I bring up doing something on my own—like a girls trip, going to the spa, or even getting my nails done—he says those are things we should do together. It makes me feel like I’m not allowed to exist as my own person.
I’m also realizing how young I am and how I never really got to experience adulthood for myself. My life has been centered entirely around being a mother and a wife, and I feel like I’ve lost who I am outside of that.
Another layer of stress is that he wants me to get pregnant constantly, and we’ve been trying for about two years without success. Despite frequent attempts, I haven’t been able to carry a pregnancy, and it’s been emotionally exhausting. My fertility specialist has told me that everything looks healthy and they can’t find anything wrong on my end, which leaves me feeling confused and discouraged.
Lately, my marriage has been affecting me physically and mentally. I’ve lost a lot of weight, I’m barely eating, my anxiety and depression feel overwhelming, and my hair has started falling out. I’ve also been experiencing repeated chemical pregnancies, which has been really hard on me emotionally.
On top of that, my mother-in-law is telling people that I’m manipulating him and keeping him from his family, but the truth is he doesn’t even give me space for myself, let alone time to manage outside relationships.
I feel overwhelmed, isolated, and honestly like I’m losing myself. I don’t know what’s normal anymore, and I’m scared I’m ignoring something serious. I just really need some outside perspective and support right now.