BPD Trust/Privacy issues
Was just wondering what everyone's thoughts on personal privacy in a relationship are. I've been dating a pwBPD for nearly 4 years now, and one of our biggest issues is personal privacy. She wants full access to everything, but I, on the other hand, believe there should be a certain level of privacy in a relationship. She can be extremely jealous at times and has very bad trust issues. Since we've been together, almost everything I do is with her. I rarely do anything without her. I can count on one hand how many times I've actually gone to hang out with friends/family since we've been together.
We live together, work at the same job, carpool, and take breaks together. The only time I actually do something without her is when I go to the gym that is a minute down the road, and she sometimes goes with me as well. With that said, she still somehow thinks I'm cheating/being unfaithful. Her reasoning? I'm very hesitant to show her my phone. Now, that may sound bad at first, BUT bear with me-she doesn't want my phone just to make sure I'm not talking to other women, have dating apps installed, or have any NSFW photos saved..she wants access to every single thing.
Files, gallery, messages between me and my mom or other family members, conversations between friends, videos I watch on YouTube, almost anything that I have on there, she HAS to see if she gets a "feeling" which is almost everyday now. I'm not hiding anything or being unfaithful, I just don't like the idea of someone having THAT much access. What if I'm talking to my Mom about something family related that's private, such as information that she doesn't want to disclose with others? I don't believe that she needs access to that unless it was something my Mom wanted to discuss freely, but she disagrees.
Never in my mind would I want to go through her phone and read every thing her and her friends talk about or what conversations she has with her family members. She's also gotten angry at me before because I've listened to a certain song or watched a YT video she didn't like, so that adds to my hesitation when she asks to see my phone because I have no clue what random thing she sees on my phone may set her off, as when she splits, something seemingly normal can set her off.
This all leads to me feeling like I'm being filmed when I'm doing anything on my phone. The cameras are always rolling, so I am always having to act a certain way. This changes the way I talk to my family or friends because I know she's just going to read every single thing that's sent. The hesitation isn't because I'm talking about her in a bad light to someone or texting another woman- It's just the odd feeling of knowing that everything I send is browsed over constantly.
When we get into huge arguments, this topic is always brought up and when I tell her how I feel about it, she acts like privacy is something that is made up and that everything is public when you're in a relationship no matter what it is. She screams at me, saying that I HAVE to be hiding something if I'm that hesitant. The "feeling" is her having a dream that I cheated, therefore; she must look at everything on my phone. I listen to a song that has a girl singing, she gets the "feeling". I dress nicely to a doctors appointment, the "feeling". I want to go to bed earlier than her because I have an exam for my online class early in the morning, she gets the "feeling". It's exhausting.
It all began as her simply just saying early on in our relationship that since she's been cheated on before (we both have), that sometimes just being sure that each other are being faithful is a good thing, and I agreed. Now it's devolved into what it is now, 24/7 surveillance because of the "feeling". What are your guys' thoughts on privacy in a relationship, and does anyone else deal with something like this with their pwBPD?