r/BPDPartners

I’m talking the burning questions which would be totally socially unacceptable to ask normally to someone like me. Feel free to pick my brain and ask me whatever anything you’d like. I made a similar post a little over a year ago and the questions I got were fantastic, so I’m hoping that more and/or different people see this one and ask me more things!

Hey everyone. I will try to sum everything up as quickly as I can, but to be honest, I'm not even really sure what I'm looking for in this post. I have been reading posts in this sub that resonate deeply with me, and I'm lost, and isolated, so I just wanted to talk.

My wife and I have been married for 10 years. We have children together. She was formally diagnosed with BPD about two years ago, a diagnoses that fit much better than the incorrect diagnoses she had formally gotten before her and I were even together, mainly bipolar disorder. My wife is three years and 3 months older than me. We got together when I was 17, and she was 20. I was homeschooled by strict parents and never had a serious relationship before, as I wasn't even allowed to date. She had just moved here from out of state, following a series of abusive relationships with different men. The first time we ever hung out, I went over to her house, where we watched a movie in her room. The environment quickly shifted into a steamy make-out session, and I declined moving further and told her we'd have plenty of time for intimacy in our future, however honestly it because I was new and nervous. The first night was amazing, she thought I was sweet, we finished our movie, we cuddled all night, I woke up with her the next morning, kissed her forehead and left, I thought to myself: Wow, so THIS is what it feels like, a relationship, hanging out with a girl romantically, it felt like heaven and she seemed to idealize me. I went back the next day, and we were intimate. We talked about our future together, and it was great... For a couple of weeks. And then, she would be distraught anytime I wasn't near her, I began calling out from work, cleaning her room for her while she was gone and leaving her sweet notes, writing songs for her, but still anytime I was gone, she seemed upset. I couldn't handle the pressure, so I broke it off with her. She would guilt trip me, sex bomb me, or I would miss her and we'd get back together. I didn't talk to anyone about our relationship really, and this went on for months. Somehow I (or we) didn't fully see how abnormal this cycle was, and decided to try to get pregnant, and succeeded.

We had our first child when I was 18. I became bitter as a husband, feeling stuck and suffocated. I became a bitter husband, feeling stuck, and regretting my choices. I was a good father but my wife and I always fought, because I wanted time for myself, she wanted me near, which made me want more time for myself. I could have been more understanding and I admit fault greatly for the first 3 years or so of our marriage, not having enough empathy, and more. But a shift happened after that in our marriage, where I accepted how she was, I started spending less time in the garage, and more time trying to care for her, and it worked. Our marriage was better for a while!

Fast forward to now. I am extremely isolated, I go out socially on average less than once a year and when I do, it's of course all with male friends/relatives (and I am not complaining about that), but I get texted the entire time while I'm gone and if I dare go more than 5 minutes without texting back it's game over, and no matter what she's in a bad mood 24+ hours prior and 24+ hours after, she attempts to sabotage anytime I go anywhere alone so that I will just give up on going, even if it's taking jiu jitsu class by myself, or going to a therapy session, or even staying at home and gaming with a cousin, or stopping for groceries on the way home. She has become so irritable and I have become such a care taker for her that I feel like my entire life is consumed by my sole purpose of not triggering her. Explosions will happen, which include silent treatment, yelling, ridiculing, conversations that go on for hours or days, reality and words being twisted, her labeling me as abusive, or calling me a child, telling me that she doesn't want to be in a marriage with someone like me, that she doesn't want our daughters to be with someone like me, or my son to grow up like me. I've always been our only income and worked a minimum of 40 hours, and I supported her for nearly 2 years as I stayed home after work to watch our three young children so that she could put herself through school, I did that willingly and I'm not complaining, but whenever it got to where I was working, coming home, she left, I cooked, I cleaned, I stayed with the kids, I helped her with her homework, I rubbed her feet and back nearly every single day for nearly two years, allowed her to go out socially anytime she wanted which was about once a week or more, we went anywhere she wanted to go, I supported her many hobbies, I allowed her "break times" when she was home, I was doing everything that I could for her, while still being berated anytime I left a piece of trash on the counter, or anytime I didn't take the trash out from the night before, meanwhile she's left dishes and trash from three meals before on the counter, our entire bedroom and bathroom looks like trash because of her mess. I've tried explaining to her that I don't want to be treated with such contempt and verbal abuse or a simple mistake, and that she does similar stuff on a regular that I would never think to treat her like this over. It never goes anywhere and at most I get a "SORRY I'm stressed, if I just had more help, I wouldn't have to be like this!!!" but to me, it feels hard to even put into words how inaccurate that statement is...

The worst part is, the children experience this too. I often try to shield them by keeping them away from her when she's in one of her moods, as a simple question or even an attempted hug from them can cause her to quickly go further into her loud verbal spiral, damaging everyone around. The kids have also been berated for things that I think unfair. I've tried bringing these things up to her, but at no prevail. My two eldest kids have come to me, saying that they don't feel loved by her, because of the disconnection, the yelling, the hug refusals, and much more. I've brought this up to my wife, only for it to be turned around on me. I've encouraged my kids to bring it up to her, but they don't feel comfortable in doing so... They won't even bring it up to a therapist in front of my wife.

I feel stuck, because I do still feel like maybe I'm just not providing what she needs. That is what she says, after all. Maybe she's right. I also feel guilty for leaving since there's kids involved... I carry my kids to bed every night, my kids and I have traditions, I hug them many times a day and tell them I love them, we play, we have inside jokes. None of that exists with my wife, she won't even go and tell them goodnight. They do love her and find her in the house to tell her goodnight, where she may not even look up from her phone sometimes.

I am at a loss... She wants to go to marriage counseling with me because she thinks "we" have issues, mainly stemming from how I won't comfort her when she starts sobbing during an argument where I brought something up about her behavior, but she can't stand to talk about her BPD, I can't get her to admit fault in basically anything, her apologies are always conditional and still leave me in a spot of having to chase her and work extra hard to escape the silent treatment that I received for needing an apology for something she did, she NEVER apologizes to the kids which drives me insane, and she twists words and scenarios so I'm not sure how the therapist will help us... I don't want to give up, but I'm so frustrated. Idk...

by questioning the demonization of BPD, i don’t want it to come across as me dismissing anyone’s experience if they were in a toxic or abusive situation with someone diagnosed with BPD to be clear. but i don’t understand the demonization of those with this illness. i have had friends with BPD who are kind, sweet, and aware individuals. i’ve recently started dating a girl with BPD, and she’s incredibly emotionally intelligent, communicates straightforwardly, and expresses her needs to me with no BS/drama.

i’m looking up ways to support her and gain insight from those who are in romantic relationships with individuals who have BPD, and a lot of the comments just say “run”, as if everyone with BPD acts the same. so, why the demonization??

Hello! I have recently started talking to a guy and he just told me he had BPD and bipolar. This is not a deal breaker for me, I am just wondering what I can do to help him, and what works and doesn’t work in relationships like this. I have depression, ADHD, trust issues, and probably a little PTSD causing a fear of abandonment from something that happened years ago. Is it just learning him? Or is there specific things I should know/do?

I (34f) have been with my BP wife (34f) for 13 years. We will (hopefully, maybe?) be celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary this June. I love her desperately and we are not in a good situation right now.

She was diagnosed BP1 and OCD back in 2018 I believe (after we had been together for 6 years and married for 2). She had a severely traumatic childhood (SA, grooming, homelessness, witness to domestic violence, neglect, the list goes on). Her mother was also BP. Her father died in a motorcycle accident. Her brother has been in an out of prison our entire relationship for drug abuse (he likely has BP as well).

We had our daughter in 2022, something we both desperately and tirelessly worked towards for years. When she was born (it was a traumatic birth), my wife went into depression and a very bad one. She had spoken of suicide but did not try. During that time, I was battling my own demons (likely PPD) and unfortunately, in 2023, I had an affair. I have such shame and guilt over this. I will never forgive myself for this, especially when my wife was so low.

I was ready to divorce her, but her mother died unexpectedly, so I stayed. A few months later I told her about the affair and we separated. I realized how terrible I was and worked tirelessly to fix it. I started therapy, she started therapy, and we both attended couples therapy.

During 2024, things seemed to be going much better. We were reconciling. Then, in April of 2025, she began having her own affair with a woman she “met” through Call of Duty mobile. I discovered the affair in June. Over that summer, she would tell me she had stopped talking to her only for me to find out that she hadn’t. This happened at least four times. Again, that September, I was ready to divorce. She convinced me to stay and that she would get the help she needed.

Some needed background: From 2018-2022 she was unmedicated. In 2023 she began medication but her psychiatrist didn’t really care, and never spoke to her to find out if the meds were working. She never took them consistently anyway. During the time of HER affair, she had started with a new psychiatrist and was trying to get on medication that actually helped her. So last year was the start of truly being medicated for bipolar (and adhd, a new diagnosis). She was put on Sertraline, Vraylar, and Azstarys.

Anyway, we were okay for a few months until her seasonal depression hit in November of last year. Again, she reached out to the online girl. I begged her to stay with me (I know, I know) and she did. Her new psychiatrist told her she needed to start seeing a trauma therapist and begin EMDR. In January of this year, she started going to this new EMDR therapist weekly. She also didn’t miss a single dose of her medication from January until March.

During those three months, I saw how hard she was working and began to notice a difference. She was finally processing all her trauma and realizing the impact it still had on her today. However, she continually sought out the online girl. I began to notice that this girl was merely a distraction from everything wrong in her life. She even admitted to me (and still does!) that she doesn’t love this girl, doesn’t see a future with her, and that she uses her as a distraction. Every time she would talk to the girl, I would beg her to stop and stay with me. It became almost a monthly thing, and it got to the point where I could begin to predict it’s coming. I kept staying because I could see she was truly working on herself and attempting to do better than she ever had before and because I knew this girl was meaningless (as much as I was hurting).

In April, like legit last month, her trauma therapist told her that she would be a good candidate for an intensive outpatient program (IOP). She started this program about three and a half weeks ago. Her psychiatrist also stopped her usual SSRI (sertraline) and replaced it with Wellbutrin because we all noticed that Brittany’s cycling, particularly the depression part of it, was not getting any better. Her psychiatrist also hoped that beginning this medication would help her during the IOP.

Coming off of sertraline, starting Wellbutrin, and beginning an IOP was NOT a good cocktail. I am 90% positive she has been rapid cycling all of April, almost weekly. She would go from “I never want to lose you” to “we need a separation.” Of course she began talking to the online girl again. But this time, I had enough.

I told her two Wednesdays ago that I was packing my shit and leaving to stay at my parents’. SHE begged Me to stay this time. She said that with the help of the IOP she finally realized that she was lonely from missing her mom, dad, and brother and trying to fill that loneliness with the online girl. She also told me that she realized she had been harboring resentment from my affair back in 2023 (I have been asking her for the past year if my affair had anything to do with her affair and she always told me no). She also said that she knew she wanted her future to be with me and that she wanted to start focusing on her present issues as well as her past issues. She told me she wanted to make it right and work hard for me and our daughter. She then reiterated all of this in couples therapy the following Saturday.

By last Monday, she completely switched. She told me she was hopeless. Last Wednesday, a week after telling me she wanted a future with me, she told me she wanted a separation. She told me she couldn’t do our relationship anymore. Said she could not be emotionally available for me anymore. Said she needed to focus on herself. She also told me, several times, that she still loves me and is attracted to me but that she just can’t work on fixing our relationship right now. I was devastated but knew it was time for me to choose myself, so I packed up mine and my daughter’s things and went to stay with my parents.

My daughter and I came back home Sunday night under the pretense that she would be staying out of the house for her therapies. For my own mental health, I could not be around her physically and since her therapies go until 9pm, I figured I would just go to bed whenever she came home. That way I didn’t have to see her and we would remain “separated.” I also told her that if we did it this way, that she would not be talking to this online girl. Well, what do you think I found her doing last night? This morning, I calmly told her to pack her things. She had broken my boundaries too many times and it was time for her to leave our house. She started yelling at me, cursing at me, mocking me, and all in front of our daughter. She’s never mocked me, and she’s never yelled at me in front of our daughter. I tried remaining calm the entire time and just kept repeating “please do not talk to me this way in front of our daughter.” Later, I told her I found her a place to stay and she told me she would not be leaving our house. She refused to go, so now our daughter and I are back at my mom’s for our own stability and my mental wellbeing.

I want so desperately to find hope in this very hopeless situation. I keep trying to make sense of things and find certainty but of course there is none. I’m so tired of being manipulated and lied to. I’m so tired of the back and forth, and hot and cold. But, God, do I love this woman. She is my everything. She’s my life. We have history and SO much love. Yes, the last three years have been the worst we’ve ever had, but we have always been a power couple. We’ve always made it through any hurdle that came our way. Shit, people used to praise us all the time for it.

I can see how hard she is working to better herself and that gives me some hope. But I also have never seen her act the way she’s been acting this past month in our entire 13 year history. Yes, there’s been typical BP1 ups and downs. Yes, she always gets depressed from November through the holidays and again in March around her birthday. Yes, I know her so well I can tell when she’s in a depression before she can. But this past month? I’ve never seen anything like it. She is meaner than ever, cruel even. She goes back and forth between loving me and discarding me. And the kicker?? She swears she is completely level headed this past week when she asked for the separation. Level headed doesn’t act like she acted this morning.

I know it’s time to work on me. I know that the way our relationship has been going has been completely unsustainable. I’ve lost myself over this past year. I am not as present with our daughter as I need to be. It’s definitely time for this separation (and if I’m gonna “should” on myself, this separation should have happened a LONG time ago). But I am still desperate for hope. I am so scared that this separation will further cement her desire to leave. That she will fuck up not only her life and future, and but the life and future of mine and our daughter’s. But most of all, I am so afraid of losing “my person.”

I keep telling myself: she is working hard on herself, she is finally getting treatment, she wants to be better. But it doesn’t make this any easier. If you’ve made it this far, thank you. Chat GPT has been good at helping me process but doesn’t replace real people who have likely experienced similar realities. I need a big hug and some encouragement. Maybe even some similar stories surrounding IOPs, trauma, the meds she’s been taking, etc. This disease is the worst, but I know my wife is still in there.

I have to caveat that this girl has appeared nothing but sweet and kind. Introduced me to her family, planned future with me, bought me gifts, etc. but I’m so worried this is just all a facade.

My gf (26F) and I (27M) have been together for 7 months now and since then things have been totally fine. We’ve had a few small arguments, nothing major just normal couple stuff but always seem to resolve them with no lasting issues. When we first got together she told me that she had been diagnosed with BPD in her teens (she had a lot of trauma in her childhood, self-harm, SA and a bad relationship with her dad) and she strongly advised I look into having relationships with someone with BPD. I didn’t really think much of it because she’d been totally “fine” in my eyes but since looking into BPD and some of the stories I’ve read about pwBPD I can’t lie I’m a bit scared and it’s making me nervous.

Recently I’d say we had our biggest argument (I saw texts of her speaking to her best friend about a guy at work - nothing sexual but seemed “off” like she was excited about him). This led to her saying she can’t trust me and wanting to pull away and place “boundaries” as she calls them of speaking less, not seeing each other as much as she felt too dependant on me. This went on for a few weeks but we’ve recently worked through that and I’d say we’re more at the stage we were prior the argument. Before this argument we had been planning to move in together but this now seems rocky and she isn’t sure it’s what is best for us. She still never has explained those texts, her only comments were “it was a joke between her and her friend, not meant for me to see”.

My concern is this might or has triggered her, as I’ve seen a lot of things about “push/pull” moments in relationships w/ pwBPD. I’m also REALLY concerned about the amount of stories I’ve seen about pwBPD and cheating. How common is this in reality? Am I just seeing a lot of the stories as I guess I’m looking for them? I feel like even in the “good” relationship stories I’ve read there’s been some elements of cheating. Obviously the texts she sent to her best friend about the guy at work aren’t a great a look, and she was very dismissive of them (another BPD trait? Idk?). She also keeps friendships with ex sexual partners that won’t change because they’re her “friends”. I know given the chance these guys would still sleep/flirt with her and now what I’ve seen about some pwBPD this is a recipe for disaster right? If we don’t live together she’s told me it’s likely she’ll “have to” live with them (two guys in particular she’s slept with in the past) as “she’ll have no option”?

Am I overthinking it? Is this just something I’ve read too much about and scared myself? Or is there always a chance things could go left, quickly, with pwBPD. To add as well, she’s in no type of therapy and we rarely speak about her condition. Should I start by speaking to her about it (I feel like she’d be open to discussing it) and voicing my concerns?

Thank you!

Should I? We have been dating for three years and I've been open and frank with him about my past trauma, depression, anxiety, etc. He knows I have ADHD - which I use as an umbrella term to describe my experience - but when I'm splitting I know it is confusing for him. I haven't told him because I'm scared he will abandon me since it is such a stigmatized disorder. He knows I have been in and out of treatment centers before I met him but he doesn't know I went to places that specifically treat BPD patients (shout out McLean Hospital lol). Thoughts?

Mother's Day seems to be so difficult at my home. Idk if anyone else encounters this. Every year despite even the grandest of gestures, I seem to do (or not do something) to trigger my wife and somehow ruin her special day. This year, I did it in record time, around 9:15am. I'm really struggling as of late. Things seem to have spiraled after the marriage of my oldest child. I have reached out for counseling so I'm hopeful for some help. I'm not sure if this life event has caused her to spiral because things have been incredibly intense since the event. Open to suggestions here on maybe how to respond to her.

I don't know who I should talk to about this, so I came here.

I just found out that my closest friend, which is also the only one I can have deep conversations with, has BPD. And I'm not sure if I can talk directly to her about the way our friendship affects me.

The thing is, if I am to be really honest, this relationship is messing up really bad with my mental health, even if I love my friend a lot.

I tend to overthink everything about it and I always fear she may hate me or I may lose her. I went as far as I SHed in hopes she would show me that she cares about me (I'm more than one month clean now, thanks to her).

I don't really know if I am the problem or if her mood changes make me anxious and I don't know what to do. Should I talk to her about it or would it do more harm to her?

For now, she doesn't know any of all this.

Hey people wBPD.

Firstly I’m sorry you have this condition, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

I just want to ask a couple of questions, please.

1. When you split/discard - do you know some of your actions are destructive and do it anyway? Or is it uncontrollable?

2. Do you hate the person you’re discarding? Or something else?

3. What made you go back to the person you discarded. If you did go back…?

4. What’s the most extreme thing you’ve done? (Mine blocked me on everything, and called police for harassment (over 1 message - after 2 weeks of silence).

If there’s anything else you’d like to add to help understand better. I’d love to hear it.

Thank you.

I’m a 20M and my partner is 20F. We’ve been together for a while and I’m trying to figure out if this is a communication issue or if the relationship dynamic is becoming unhealthy.

The argument started really small. We were texting normally and I told her I was eating animal crackers. She jokingly asked for proof because she thought I might be lying/talking to girls, so I sent a picture of the bag. She asked to see the crackers themselves and I replied “grrr I ate the bag now” meaning I finished them. After that she just replied “okay.”

To me, that looked like a dry response that ended the conversation, so I sent a meme/sticker because I thought the convo was dead. Later she got upset and said she felt emotionally ignored and like I should’ve immediately realized something was wrong from the way she texted. She said she wanted comfort, peace, reassurance, and for me to notice her emotional shift without her having to directly explain it.

From my perspective, I knew she was stressed in general, but I genuinely did not interpret one “okay” message as “I feel emotionally abandoned right now.” I thought she was just dry texting or annoyed. The argument then spiraled into accusations that I don’t emotionally understand her, don’t notice her feelings, and make her feel like she’s “at the back of my mind.”

She also said passive communication clearly doesn’t work with me and that next time she’ll “make a fuss” or yell so I understand immediately instead of expecting me to notice subtle cues. My side was basically that I’m not intentionally ignoring her emotions — I just can’t always automatically know the meaning behind short responses without direct communication.

A friend who read the messages said the relationship feels emotionally exhausting because it turns into me being expected to mind read instead of her directly saying what she needs. Another friend said both of us communicate differently and need to meet in the middle.

TL;DR: My girlfriend expected me to immediately realize she was emotionally upset from dry texting/passive cues, while I genuinely interpreted her responses literally and didn’t realize she needed reassurance. The situation escalated into accusations that I don’t emotionally understand or prioritize her, and I’m trying to figure out if this is a communication mismatch or an unhealthy dynamic.

My exwBPD had made a new best friend a bit before we broke up. I could tell by the way she was talking about him that he was likely the new FP. Since there are some mutual friends on social media that we have I came across a post of hers. And im pretty sure she is hooking up with him. I had picked up vibes before the break up that something wasnt being said but I told my self I was just being jealous. I hate seeing things that confirm my suspicions were right. It definitely explains all the projection from her, and her having suspicions that I cheated (which I have never cheated on any partner in my life).

It's only been about 2 months now. I was the one that ended things. For several reasons. But the love is still there. I feel sick. And I know it's stupid but a part of me feels hurt.

I wish I never met her. I wish I had taken all the signs the universe gave me to run, to get the hell out of there. I regret putting in so much time to a relationship that caused me so many mental health issues. A relationship that dug up old wounds I had healed from. A relationship that drained every ounce of energy from me. I feel so stupid. I felt so worthless. I felt like I couldn't do anything right. I'm just barely starting to come around to feeling like there still could be a chance to meet the right person one day. But seeing that post just set me way back.

I was in another group that I didn’t realize was talking about the negativity and toxicity and hopelessness of BPD partners and somebody direct me to this group. I have a fiancé that has BPD and I have children with him and I’m trying so hard to make it work. He is a great Dad and works so hard for us to be supported. But he is a very negative person and can ruin any outing by being grumpy or antisocial or even any family event. I love him and sometimes I don’t know why, but I try so hard to make it work so we can be a family and not separated. I yearn for a partner who I can bring around people and not be worried about.. I wish that he was a people person, but he’s absolutely not. I want to accept this as my family and my future, but it’s so hard sometimes because I used to be the most social happy bubbly person ever, but now I feel like I closed myself off, just to not irritate him. I hate when people try to tell me that it’s not going to work. I want so hard to make this work. I’m in the process of accepting this and sometimes I’m happy because I just want us to be a happy little family. On top of raising kids I have to make sure that I don’t do anything wrong to set him off. So it’s difficult. I hate to sayit but I feel like he throws tantrums like a child so I deal with my two toddlers plus him. So being a mom is very difficult at the moment. I just want to hear other people in similar situations and see how they might make things work.

I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for 5 1/2 years. It’s been up and down and up and down down down. Everytime she splits I’m the bad guy. Everyone is. Nobody cares about her. The world sucks. What do I do in these moments. The moments when everything is my fault and everything is the world’s fault. I ask if she wants space or to be alone. Sometimes she does. Other times I’m tested. If I go to work or do errands I don’t care. If I stay I don’t support her the right way. I say the wrong things. I try to hold her. Tell her everything will be ok. But throughout the years there’s been the same fight. The same circle. I need to grow up and she’s right I do. I try to not neglect her. I try to help her but I don’t. I don’t want to go into details but essentially she has resentment towards me so we lack a physical and intimate relationship. I try to initiate things and be spontaneous but it does help. She doesn’t want me to touch her. It caused huge problems performance wise that I’m working on.

So please anyone reading.
When you’re splitting what do you need. What do you want. When you just need to get out of the house and escape where do you go. What do you and your partners do. I try to come up with ideas but she doesn’t want to or they’re lame. Or we do the same thing. Everyday is the same. How do I change everyday so she can have a normal life? What can I do to provide and support her?

Please dm me if you can actually help me. Idk where else to turn.

i struggle with bpd and im currently about 5 hours into a breakup. a lot of our fundamental issues were rooted in my insecurity and fear of abandonment. i was threatened a lot by her other friendships/relationships and at this time, i realize that and see why it was an issue and im working to improve it. we were together for over 2 years, and i feel sick at the thought of living my life without her. i have been going back and forth in my mind all day about what to do about this. i want to try and salvage things and make everything okay again, but then 30 minutes later i feel like maybe moving on wouldnt be such a bad thing. i truly believe that i have the capacity for change, and im willing to do whatever it takes. im looking for some sort of guidance if anyone can help me out. comment any questions or advice, thanks sm

My BPD mother killed herself after years of threatens and attempts. I am 26 y/o. Last month I lost my mother with her suicide. My sister and I had a very hard childhood of mental abuse and physical violation. I lived in another city since 18 but we were in contact. We saw each other frequently in my or her house. At least I thought our relationship was not that awful. I really cannot remember my childhood obviously but I know it was hard. She threw us away from house. We called our father to come and bring us. We slept in the car until tomorrow when she called and bring us back. She always blamed us for ruining her life and wasting her money, though we were good people in our own community. She used to humiliate my father and beat him severely. She blamed him for all her misery. I always had fear that some day she will kill him in one of those argues. She would tell my father she wanted a divorce, but at the last moment she would always back down. When I was a child, she would send me to convince my father not to leave. She openly wished for my father’s death in front of me.

Because of the war in my country, I was forced to stay for a month in their city because it was safer there. I myself was extremely depressed and emotionally broken, and I could no longer take care of her.

On the last day, when my father was not home, she started arguing with me and humiliating me again, and I became very angry. I pushed her away so she would let me pack my suitcase and leave. I hit her in the face with a pillow so she would move away from the doorway of my room, because I genuinely could not bear to look into her eyes anymore. Her eyes were driving me insane.

We argued, and I was truly falling apart emotionally. Then my father arrived, and she attacked him too. When I saw the marks of her fingers on my father’s neck, I lost control and told her, “I hope you die,” just like throughout my childhood when you wished death on me. She told me, “I never really meant those things.” I said, “But I truly do wish death on you.”

Then she told me, “I’m going to take 80 pills.” I thought she was lying again, like she always did, just to make me feel guilty. I told her, “Go ahead, take a hundred.” I am sure she had already prepared the pills beforehand, because I was paying attention and I never heard the sound of pills being pushed out of a blister pack.

After all those years when my father and I had to constantly stop her from killing herself — taking pills away from her, stopping her from opening the car door, preventing her from throwing herself out of windows — that night I came home and realized she had actually died.

I feel horrible. I have overwhelming guilt. I do not want to live anymore, and I feel responsible for her death.

TLDR: After a traumatic breakup (psych ward, jail, etc) I cut contact with my ex and blocked her on everything. In a state of grief I unblocked her on insta to see how she was doing. I forgot to block her again afterward and a couple weeks ago I got a message from her saying “Hi, I noticed the unblock. I just want to be authentic. Im just tired of the unspoken weight, I hope you are well.” Do I respond? I miss her so much and yet never want to see her again. Feeling very confused.

My ex and I had a very VERY traumatic breakup. Due to her severe mental health issues (BPD) and lack of insurance (meaning she couldn’t afford treatment) I ended it because it became too intense with no end in sight. She relied on me completely for everything and treated me like I was a black hole of never ending emotional support. This was all going on while I had a lot going on in my family. My mother has a progressive disease and things were getting really bad with her. After a year of being together and after about eight months of trying to fix things I decided to end it.

When I broke up with my ex she self harmed and I had to 5150 her. It was awful. Then she broke into my parents house while my disable mother was home alone. The police tried to get her to leave but she refused and grabbed onto my mom’s leg and started to pull which is extremely dangerous for my mom since she’s so fragile. The police ended up having to physically drag her away and arrested her. After that incident I blocked her on everything and changed my gate code. That was about five months ago.

On a particularly difficult day a little while ago I was missing her so much that I unblocked her on insta to see how she was doing because I heard she had gotten fired. I guess I forgot to reblock her because I got a message from her saying “Hi, I noticed the unblock. I just want to be authentic. Im just tired of the unspoken weight, I hope you are well.”

Part of me wants to respond because as someone who I cared about so much and who I once thought I would spend my life with, I hate the feeling of ignoring her. But if I respond I’m scared it’ll reestablish something I’m not ready for. At most I think I’d be okay with a couple texts wishing each other well or getting a bit of closure but I just have a feeling that won’t be enough for her and she’ll want more of me.

Hey I really need some advice on how to handle things. So Ive been diagnosed with bpd in a mental asylum, took MMPI-2 test, went to a private psychiatrist who knows me for 3 years and Im pretty sure I do have bpd.
So lately Ive met a guy and I have never ever felt this kind of attraction towards anyone. Like I actually mean it, never felt so much in my life. Our first two dates, we just walked without directions and talked for hours. Sometimes we just gazed at each other. This friday we had a date starting at 6pm that ended at 3am. It was the most romantic day of my life. At one point I asked him If I could cuddle and he said yes. We cuddled and held hands since then. We kissed first time in a elevator and it was so passionate I cant even describe it. We kissed all the time after that. He was so nice to me, offering me food, water, his coat, took me to billard etc. So the next day (Sunday) he was at a concert with a friend and he was there for like 2 hours. He texted me after midnight if Im sleeping and if im up for a walk. I said he can come by and we can spend time in my garden. So we were there until 3am and we only cuddled and kissed from time to time. He was scratching and kissing my head and gifted me his hoodie. At one point he laid on me and I just scratched his head. Like few times he just pulled my hair back and said he just wants to look at me and not to cover my face with my hair. He told me we need to be slow with everything and that he really likes me but deeper feelings take time. One time I asked if he will abandon me and he said he cant promise he wont, that he doesnt even know if he will be alive tomorrow. He talked about how everything yesterday was honest, that we need time but he missed me and wants to get to know me. Told me how he wants me not to worry but he knows I will worry so theres not much he can do.

So that was on Sunday 3am. The same day we were about to go for a walk. I texted him at like 3pm and he responded "will u be mad if we reschedule?🥺" I said I wont be and he responded to me that he needs some alone time and that he's sorry he didnt say it earlier.

So now its monday 7pm and all day I couldnt stop thinking of him. I literally cannot stop no matter what I do. I keep waiting for him to come back, I keep replaying moments etc. My heart beats so hard I can actually hear it. When Im out in town and I see a couple where a guy had black hair, I immediately think he is probably with another girl on a date.

He is a little distant to everyone and from the start he didnt respond to me immediately. On our dates he is so gentle. Always holding the door for me, kissing my hand, paying for me, asking if im cold, staying up till 3am just to cuddle me, walking me home, thanking me for today etc. We have such a similar humor, I could talk with him all day. Today all I can do since I got home is lay with his hoodie, smell his cologne mixed with cigarettes and imagine he is there with me and I can feel safe.

Please tell me what to do. I used to beg to stay and spam message my exes and omg I dont want to do that again but Im so afraid of losing him you cant imagine. All day my chest hurts so bad and Im 23 days off benzodiazepines, I really dont want to go back to that just to numb my emotions. I just keep waiting for him, writing poems, thinking I will see him in a crowd. I dont know what to do anymore.

I have recently broken up with my partner. While searching for where things went wrong i came across BPD. Read symptoms and relationship dynamics.
My partner was male and all content on BDP was usually around women but if i had to put everything on list, all points were checked.

the love bombing in initial phase, always accusing me of something to make me prove my loyalty, calling me selfish, calling me unloveable, attacking my selfworth, shouting at me in arguments, cursing me, then loving me so well, then apologising, then picking out mistakes from past to keep me in guilt all the time. goes on and on and on

some of the things he'd say when hes lashing out to me

1. (I told him i am scared of sexual intercourse becase last time i had 3-4y ago it the condom broke and i have PTSD) He did not say anything at that time but then told me EVERY GUY WILL USE A GIRL LIKE YOU FOR FUN BUT NO ONE WILL MARRY SOMEONE WHO HAS OTHER PERSONS SEMEN INSIDE THEM. (This guy had series of casual relations hookups and failed relationships but the double standards and sexual shaming !!!)
2. F**K OFF, SHUT THE F**K UP , YOU ARE NOT THE ONE, YOU DONT DESERVE ME, YOU ARE SELFISH( constantly used no mater the intensity of the fight)
3. Always Accusing me of cheating even though i had given him all transparent access to my phone my socials everything.
4. He used to make up assumptions of what i might be doing and then used to accuse me to wanting attention from other guys on the contrary when i first met him he told me i liked you because i have never seen you looking at other men like women do.
5. Dont ever show me your face again. I hate your face
6. he used to withhold affection and love to keep me in guilt.
7. NVEVER TRUSTING ME !!
8. Making small misunderstands into big breaking up kinda issues.
9. I used to pay for everything and he took pride in that.

I was left with nothing when he broke up, and after i got into my senses i was shocked that why did i stay? I abandon myself to love him more, reassure him more while he kept crossing boundaries and having double standards.

The trauma bond is real. I invested every single second of my life on him.
Always reassuring, waling on eggsehlls, making sure he does not get triggred, isolating from my friends, kept taking abuse , crying in bathrooms, crying in cabs, crying all the time. Lost weight.

I WONT EVER ABANDON MYSELF TO FIX SOMETHING THAT IS NOT MINE TO BE FIXED

So for context, I have been dating this person since roughly the beginning of September 2025 after a very short "talking stage" as we were both looking for exclusivity, both liked each other so didnt really think twice about jumping into a relationship.

Everything was pretty much perfect for a while until the cracks started to show, everytime my partner would be experiencing a minor inconvenience, I would be the one to blame for it. I am aware that people with BPD do blow situations out of proportion however despite my best efforts to calm him down and reassure him kindly, I am always the bad guy in his eyes.

I also want to point out that this is my first relationship (Im 22 btw) so you can imagine this is a lot to handle for a first time.

Furthermore, (a bit more context) my partner receives Universal credit due to his mental health problems as well as the fact that he was put in to care as a child I can only sympathise as someone whos always worked since the age of 15 and graduated University just last year. Since the very beginning of our relationship I have made it clear to him that I do not value money, materialism or anything like that in a relationship however it is clear that he doesnt believe me.

Getting to my main point now, my partner has also been an avid 🍃 smoker which was never a problem for me since its something id also partake in from time to time. However it became clear to me that he valued that more than me to the point where each month he would run out of money about halfway through and Id end up being responsible for the costs of everything. Bearing in mind I do not live with my partner full time, however I do spend the majority of my time at his flat since he had a meltdown at my place (house share) disturbing the others and getting himself essentially banned from coming. I am a huge pushover, I struggle to say no so when he asks for something 99% of the time he gets it and I think this is where our problem lies.

Even when I provide for him to such a degree I never get anything back from it. I hardly ever ask anything of him, yet I always end up folding when he asks me for things. As im writing this im lying in bed with a sick bug and this whole day ive been made to feel like a nuisance. Following from this hed just been with me a couple days ago to visit my mum who is severely disabled and after losing my dad to cancer in 2023 shes been having to rely on carers so you can imagine the emotional turmoil ive been put through as im so unsure of my mums future. Despite witnessing this, my partner still doesnt seem to acknowledge the severity of his behaviour towards me and how Im losing myself.

After another heated argument yesterday, he went for a walk and after so much emotional stress I had a panic attack. Rocking back and forth in bed, seeing things moving and being unable to stop violently shaking so I called him to come back and there was not a single moment where he felt any care towards my situation and the fact that I was scared as something like that had never happened to me before.

I apologise if my post is very disjointed, this is my first reddit post and I just need some help and others POVs because im at my limit now so any help would be appreciated. 🫶