Researched BPD in relationships, now I’m worried
I have to caveat that this girl has appeared nothing but sweet and kind. Introduced me to her family, planned future with me, bought me gifts, etc. but I’m so worried this is just all a facade.
My gf (26F) and I (27M) have been together for 7 months now and since then things have been totally fine. We’ve had a few small arguments, nothing major just normal couple stuff but always seem to resolve them with no lasting issues. When we first got together she told me that she had been diagnosed with BPD in her teens (she had a lot of trauma in her childhood, self-harm, SA and a bad relationship with her dad) and she strongly advised I look into having relationships with someone with BPD. I didn’t really think much of it because she’d been totally “fine” in my eyes but since looking into BPD and some of the stories I’ve read about pwBPD I can’t lie I’m a bit scared and it’s making me nervous.
Recently I’d say we had our biggest argument (I saw texts of her speaking to her best friend about a guy at work - nothing sexual but seemed “off” like she was excited about him). This led to her saying she can’t trust me and wanting to pull away and place “boundaries” as she calls them of speaking less, not seeing each other as much as she felt too dependant on me. This went on for a few weeks but we’ve recently worked through that and I’d say we’re more at the stage we were prior the argument. Before this argument we had been planning to move in together but this now seems rocky and she isn’t sure it’s what is best for us. She still never has explained those texts, her only comments were “it was a joke between her and her friend, not meant for me to see”.
My concern is this might or has triggered her, as I’ve seen a lot of things about “push/pull” moments in relationships w/ pwBPD. I’m also REALLY concerned about the amount of stories I’ve seen about pwBPD and cheating. How common is this in reality? Am I just seeing a lot of the stories as I guess I’m looking for them? I feel like even in the “good” relationship stories I’ve read there’s been some elements of cheating. Obviously the texts she sent to her best friend about the guy at work aren’t a great a look, and she was very dismissive of them (another BPD trait? Idk?). She also keeps friendships with ex sexual partners that won’t change because they’re her “friends”. I know given the chance these guys would still sleep/flirt with her and now what I’ve seen about some pwBPD this is a recipe for disaster right? If we don’t live together she’s told me it’s likely she’ll “have to” live with them (two guys in particular she’s slept with in the past) as “she’ll have no option”?
Am I overthinking it? Is this just something I’ve read too much about and scared myself? Or is there always a chance things could go left, quickly, with pwBPD. To add as well, she’s in no type of therapy and we rarely speak about her condition. Should I start by speaking to her about it (I feel like she’d be open to discussing it) and voicing my concerns?
Thank you!