She had BPD... I have, well...
Hey everyone. I will try to sum everything up as quickly as I can, but to be honest, I'm not even really sure what I'm looking for in this post. I have been reading posts in this sub that resonate deeply with me, and I'm lost, and isolated, so I just wanted to talk.
My wife and I have been married for 10 years. We have children together. She was formally diagnosed with BPD about two years ago, a diagnoses that fit much better than the incorrect diagnoses she had formally gotten before her and I were even together, mainly bipolar disorder. My wife is three years and 3 months older than me. We got together when I was 17, and she was 20. I was homeschooled by strict parents and never had a serious relationship before, as I wasn't even allowed to date. She had just moved here from out of state, following a series of abusive relationships with different men. The first time we ever hung out, I went over to her house, where we watched a movie in her room. The environment quickly shifted into a steamy make-out session, and I declined moving further and told her we'd have plenty of time for intimacy in our future, however honestly it because I was new and nervous. The first night was amazing, she thought I was sweet, we finished our movie, we cuddled all night, I woke up with her the next morning, kissed her forehead and left, I thought to myself: Wow, so THIS is what it feels like, a relationship, hanging out with a girl romantically, it felt like heaven and she seemed to idealize me. I went back the next day, and we were intimate. We talked about our future together, and it was great... For a couple of weeks. And then, she would be distraught anytime I wasn't near her, I began calling out from work, cleaning her room for her while she was gone and leaving her sweet notes, writing songs for her, but still anytime I was gone, she seemed upset. I couldn't handle the pressure, so I broke it off with her. She would guilt trip me, sex bomb me, or I would miss her and we'd get back together. I didn't talk to anyone about our relationship really, and this went on for months. Somehow I (or we) didn't fully see how abnormal this cycle was, and decided to try to get pregnant, and succeeded.
We had our first child when I was 18. I became bitter as a husband, feeling stuck and suffocated. I became a bitter husband, feeling stuck, and regretting my choices. I was a good father but my wife and I always fought, because I wanted time for myself, she wanted me near, which made me want more time for myself. I could have been more understanding and I admit fault greatly for the first 3 years or so of our marriage, not having enough empathy, and more. But a shift happened after that in our marriage, where I accepted how she was, I started spending less time in the garage, and more time trying to care for her, and it worked. Our marriage was better for a while!
Fast forward to now. I am extremely isolated, I go out socially on average less than once a year and when I do, it's of course all with male friends/relatives (and I am not complaining about that), but I get texted the entire time while I'm gone and if I dare go more than 5 minutes without texting back it's game over, and no matter what she's in a bad mood 24+ hours prior and 24+ hours after, she attempts to sabotage anytime I go anywhere alone so that I will just give up on going, even if it's taking jiu jitsu class by myself, or going to a therapy session, or even staying at home and gaming with a cousin, or stopping for groceries on the way home. She has become so irritable and I have become such a care taker for her that I feel like my entire life is consumed by my sole purpose of not triggering her. Explosions will happen, which include silent treatment, yelling, ridiculing, conversations that go on for hours or days, reality and words being twisted, her labeling me as abusive, or calling me a child, telling me that she doesn't want to be in a marriage with someone like me, that she doesn't want our daughters to be with someone like me, or my son to grow up like me. I've always been our only income and worked a minimum of 40 hours, and I supported her for nearly 2 years as I stayed home after work to watch our three young children so that she could put herself through school, I did that willingly and I'm not complaining, but whenever it got to where I was working, coming home, she left, I cooked, I cleaned, I stayed with the kids, I helped her with her homework, I rubbed her feet and back nearly every single day for nearly two years, allowed her to go out socially anytime she wanted which was about once a week or more, we went anywhere she wanted to go, I supported her many hobbies, I allowed her "break times" when she was home, I was doing everything that I could for her, while still being berated anytime I left a piece of trash on the counter, or anytime I didn't take the trash out from the night before, meanwhile she's left dishes and trash from three meals before on the counter, our entire bedroom and bathroom looks like trash because of her mess. I've tried explaining to her that I don't want to be treated with such contempt and verbal abuse or a simple mistake, and that she does similar stuff on a regular that I would never think to treat her like this over. It never goes anywhere and at most I get a "SORRY I'm stressed, if I just had more help, I wouldn't have to be like this!!!" but to me, it feels hard to even put into words how inaccurate that statement is...
The worst part is, the children experience this too. I often try to shield them by keeping them away from her when she's in one of her moods, as a simple question or even an attempted hug from them can cause her to quickly go further into her loud verbal spiral, damaging everyone around. The kids have also been berated for things that I think unfair. I've tried bringing these things up to her, but at no prevail. My two eldest kids have come to me, saying that they don't feel loved by her, because of the disconnection, the yelling, the hug refusals, and much more. I've brought this up to my wife, only for it to be turned around on me. I've encouraged my kids to bring it up to her, but they don't feel comfortable in doing so... They won't even bring it up to a therapist in front of my wife.
I feel stuck, because I do still feel like maybe I'm just not providing what she needs. That is what she says, after all. Maybe she's right. I also feel guilty for leaving since there's kids involved... I carry my kids to bed every night, my kids and I have traditions, I hug them many times a day and tell them I love them, we play, we have inside jokes. None of that exists with my wife, she won't even go and tell them goodnight. They do love her and find her in the house to tell her goodnight, where she may not even look up from her phone sometimes.
I am at a loss... She wants to go to marriage counseling with me because she thinks "we" have issues, mainly stemming from how I won't comfort her when she starts sobbing during an argument where I brought something up about her behavior, but she can't stand to talk about her BPD, I can't get her to admit fault in basically anything, her apologies are always conditional and still leave me in a spot of having to chase her and work extra hard to escape the silent treatment that I received for needing an apology for something she did, she NEVER apologizes to the kids which drives me insane, and she twists words and scenarios so I'm not sure how the therapist will help us... I don't want to give up, but I'm so frustrated. Idk...