bpd relationship
Hey I really need some advice on how to handle things. So Ive been diagnosed with bpd in a mental asylum, took MMPI-2 test, went to a private psychiatrist who knows me for 3 years and Im pretty sure I do have bpd.
So lately Ive met a guy and I have never ever felt this kind of attraction towards anyone. Like I actually mean it, never felt so much in my life. Our first two dates, we just walked without directions and talked for hours. Sometimes we just gazed at each other. This friday we had a date starting at 6pm that ended at 3am. It was the most romantic day of my life. At one point I asked him If I could cuddle and he said yes. We cuddled and held hands since then. We kissed first time in a elevator and it was so passionate I cant even describe it. We kissed all the time after that. He was so nice to me, offering me food, water, his coat, took me to billard etc. So the next day (Sunday) he was at a concert with a friend and he was there for like 2 hours. He texted me after midnight if Im sleeping and if im up for a walk. I said he can come by and we can spend time in my garden. So we were there until 3am and we only cuddled and kissed from time to time. He was scratching and kissing my head and gifted me his hoodie. At one point he laid on me and I just scratched his head. Like few times he just pulled my hair back and said he just wants to look at me and not to cover my face with my hair. He told me we need to be slow with everything and that he really likes me but deeper feelings take time. One time I asked if he will abandon me and he said he cant promise he wont, that he doesnt even know if he will be alive tomorrow. He talked about how everything yesterday was honest, that we need time but he missed me and wants to get to know me. Told me how he wants me not to worry but he knows I will worry so theres not much he can do.
So that was on Sunday 3am. The same day we were about to go for a walk. I texted him at like 3pm and he responded "will u be mad if we reschedule?🥺" I said I wont be and he responded to me that he needs some alone time and that he's sorry he didnt say it earlier.
So now its monday 7pm and all day I couldnt stop thinking of him. I literally cannot stop no matter what I do. I keep waiting for him to come back, I keep replaying moments etc. My heart beats so hard I can actually hear it. When Im out in town and I see a couple where a guy had black hair, I immediately think he is probably with another girl on a date.
He is a little distant to everyone and from the start he didnt respond to me immediately. On our dates he is so gentle. Always holding the door for me, kissing my hand, paying for me, asking if im cold, staying up till 3am just to cuddle me, walking me home, thanking me for today etc. We have such a similar humor, I could talk with him all day. Today all I can do since I got home is lay with his hoodie, smell his cologne mixed with cigarettes and imagine he is there with me and I can feel safe.
Please tell me what to do. I used to beg to stay and spam message my exes and omg I dont want to do that again but Im so afraid of losing him you cant imagine. All day my chest hurts so bad and Im 23 days off benzodiazepines, I really dont want to go back to that just to numb my emotions. I just keep waiting for him, writing poems, thinking I will see him in a crowd. I dont know what to do anymore.