r/AvoidantBreakUps

I really need someone to tell me why i shouldnt call him right now. Im crying so hard and i know hearing from him will make it all better even just for a brief moment and im dying for that relief.

I used to think my ex was gaslighting me. Like, genuinely manipulating me on purpose. I'd bring up things he said or did and he'd look at me like I was making it up. I'd say "why are you trying to hurt me?" or "why are you lying to me?" And he'd just look exhausted and say "please believe me, I'm telling you I don't remember." Still Id be like, I cant believe youre acting like you didnt say that to me.

At first, I thought it was bs. Classic gaslighting, right? Making me question my reality so he could avoid accountability. But something didn't sit right with me. The look in his eyes wasn't manipulative..it was like confusion mixed with embarrassment. Almost scared. Like he genuinely had no idea what I was talking about. That never sad right with me either..

So I started studying him. I know that sounds weird, but I couldn't let it go. I knew he loved me. I knew something else was going on. Around this time I was already into neuroscience as a hobby..nothing major, just reading studies and articles because the brain fascinated me. Then I fell down the rabbit hole of attachment theory and everything started clicking into place.

What I Discovered About Avoidant Memory Gaps

Turns out, avoidant gaslighting isn't always intentional manipulation. A lot of the time, it stems from actual memory gaps caused by how their nervous system responds to stress and emotions.

Here's what happens..

Avoidants suppress their emotions constantly. It's not a choice they're making consciously in the moment..it's an automatic survival mechanism that developed in childhood. As a healed fearful avoidant, I can tell you I use to do this. When emotions come up, especially intense ones like anger, hurt, fear, or even love, their nervous system sees it as a threat. So it does what it's designed to do and that suppress it, push it down, disconnect from it. Its not on purpose nor do we know exactly what we're doing. We just want to feel better like anyone else.

But here's the thing about suppressing emotions..you can't selectively numb what you want. When you push down the hard feelings, you also dull your ability to encode memories properly. Emotions are actually what help us form strong clear memories. When you're experiencing something emotionally, your brain is like "this is important, write this down clearly." But when you're suppressing those emotions as they happen? Your brain doesn't encode it the same way. The memory gets fuzzy, fragmented, or sometimes doesn't form at all.

So avoidant gaslighting stems from memory gaps not to intentionally gaslight you. They actually dont remember telling you some things.

I have now weighed myself and have lost 19 pounds in a month and a couple weeks of the break up. My cortisol levels are through the roof and I have barely been eating. I have no motivation, I don’t sleep well at all and doing small tasks seems like a huge to do. I was wondering if anyone else is going through this. This is the hardest break up I’ve ever had to go through and honestly I feel so lost

My brain that was already laden with intense rumination/mental health issues refuses to shut up about the whole avoidant discard situation, as much as I am trying to focus on self healing.

Something that my brain keeps coming back to is how they met my words of kindness with cold silence. I specifically cited how the action of ghost a friend of 10 years after he initiated physical intimacy and a romantic weekend together had caused hurt…but that I still believed he was deserving of support, connection and love, and that he was enough.

It really confused me as to how he could be so cold and indifferent when I was trying to be as kind as possible and considerate of his feelings even while I was hurting so much from his actions. I thought to google how avoidants respond to kindness and came across an article from the magazine psychology today. And now I am crying all over again at how horrifying an existence it must be to have avoidant attachment.

“This is why people sometimes push away the very thing they long for. Why someone can say, “I want connection,” and then panic when connection appears. Why they can initiate closeness and then retreat the moment they receive a response. Nice gestures awaken a part of them that is unprepared, unpracticed, or unregulated. These patterns or adaptations may originate early in life, when an avoidant attachment style was the safest path, or later, when avoidance mixes with rigidity because the less one takes in, the less one has to control.”

I didn’t know what PMDD was until last year, when my out of control hormonal brain behavior lead me to react in an unhinged way to his ghosting(when I was on birth control, I had stayed more or less quiet, regulated and barely message him when he first ghosted)

if I as a woman could be so unaware of this neuroendocrine disorder that has been recognized in the DSM5 for a little over a decade - how many people with disordered attachment like avoidants are similarly unaware of their own attachment issues, and don’t know how to seek help and improvement?

Now I just feel pity. For him and so many others.

- Don't ask them about themselves

- Don't care about their emotions

- Talk only about yourself

- Treat them like an accessory and an instrument

- Don't treat them like a fully human being

- Don't ever chase them, instead ignore them when they deactivate or shutdown

- Make sure to keep hugs to below 2 seconds

- Better no hugs at all

- Delegate tasks to them in the house

- Allow them to be your servant

- Don't share meals, eat alone

- Go find someone to have an affair with and make it obvious

- They have an issue with you? Deflect it

- Get defensive

- Tell them to stop bothering you

- Look at them with disgust when they share feelings

- Spend a long time doing your own thing (and maybe emotionally cheat on them meanwhile)

- Keep talking about someone else with adoration to their face

- Don't make eye contact longer than half a second

- Keep your body and feet turned slightly away from them

...

Basically, massively neglect and objectify them, while unintuitive, this is how to keep them

For an FA, create constant toxicity, chaos and abuse. Verbal abuse masquerading as teasing with gaslighting will be especially effective! Learn to neg 24/7 and mix praise with insult. The "spark" they lost will return 100-fold, trust! And make sure to promise to protect them but never really do and DARVO them when they call that out

Forgot: stonewall them when they voice any discontent with you!!!

Still want them?

something that I noticed when dating him was this: he never got jealous or possessive of me like ever. for example, i would tell him there's a guy in my dm hitting on me or could even be a guy from real life and he wouldn't care.. at all.

he would even treat it like it's normal / ignore me.

it's weird how these people have no emotions.. and how unloved and uncared they can make you feel.

If you break no contact, if you look for reasons to continue to hold on and if you continue to use the nostalgia and life you shared as a means to keep them in your life.

They can't regret mistreating you and they can't miss you if you're always around, always trying, always trying to fix something that in most cases, is no longer fixable. It's done. Finito. Finished. It happens to the best of us, but you have to move on.

The only way your ex will regret the ways in which they treated you is if you never speak to them again and that you become absolutely ruthless about your goals, your life, and focusing 1000% on you. You cannot perform your way into this, you either have the discipline to do this or you don't. If you don't have the discipline and still want a shot with them, then you can keep orbiting around them but as long as you're available to them after they've left you and mistreated you, you will always be replaceable. You will always be easy to leave. You will always be easy to mistreat. And your ex will never learn anything about the breakup.

In essence, this post is not about engineering revenge or doing a tit-for-tat. There's no such thing as revenge when you're working on yourself and removing your focus off of them and putting it towards yourself. You can't pretend your way into this, you literally have to just do it.

As for me, I'm committed to never speaking to my ex ever again. Not as an act of cruelty or revenge but because that is how I'm choosing to move forward with my life; I have no desire to revisit what we had, nor do I have any desire to create a space for her in my life. I don't want to be friends with her. I don't want to be cruel or unusual towards her, there's just no necessity for her to be in my life. She is not an asset towards my own development, she's not someone that I want to continue contributing to my life in any capacity.

Our relationship was fantastic and really great too, however, that was then and this is now.

She broke up with me and I opened the door for her to walk right out of it. When I closed the door, I processed the breakup, I learned a lot about how I spent the last 5 years and now I'm focused on moving forward.

I will never speak to her again. I'm not punishing her nor am I being petty. I'm choosing myself. I chose her for 5 years and I'm glad that I did. Now I'm going to spend time choosing myself and prioritizing myself. Prioritizing myself means focusing on my healing, surrounding myself with people who show up for me in the same ways that I show up for them, hobbies, my career, finances, building myself to the person I want to be proud of 10-20 years from now. That entails never speaking to her again and never looking back.

I think it's perfectly okay if some of you want to get your ex back, I don't think there's any right or wrong way to approach this. If the relationship was healthy and your ex is receptive and you guys are actively working towards a better communication (and have a plan of action on how you will move forward together), I don't think there's anything wrong with that. My hope is that you still prioritize yourself until they demonstrate that THEY are actively creating a place for you in their life.

My relationship ran its course and I got exactly what I needed out of it. I'm not cutting her off for the rest of my life to engineer regret in her; I recognize that it will be an inevitable side effect after enough time has passed but overall, that's not my goal.

On the other hand, I also know if we don't give our exes time to process and make ourselves completely absent from their lives, they can't recognize the good we brought into their lives and the lessons they learned with us.

Our exes at this moment are mostly focus on self-discovery and finding dopamine hits wherever they can find it, they're not wrong for that but as long as we're available to them, they will continue to overlook us and they'll see us as a depreciating asset: something that is too old and reliable, something that is unremarkable and maybe even annoying.

If you don't want to be annoying and you want to make impact in someone's life, they have to miss you, they have to see you as someone who is working on themselves and is so involved in their own self-interests and goals that anything else has to come second. Fixating on your ex needs to be your very, very, very last priority if you want a chance at them coming back into your life.

If you're trying to move on, they shouldn't even be on any kind of priority of yours, you should be working hard to eliminate them from your psyche. Time alone doesn't do that, intentionality, getting rid of old things that remind you of them and anything that prolongs your attachment should be in the garbage, donated or sent back to them.

It's taken me a long time to even get to this place of acknowledging that I don't want her in my life in any capacity. I no longer feel guilty about it nor do I feel a twinge of sadness. I just know that if I'm not ruthless about me, nobody else ever will and if I don't love myself, I will always be reliant on the whims of someone else's intentions or inactions and I deserve so much more.

And so do you.

tl;dr YMMV but if you want your ex back, remain scarce. Let them put some effort into communication and develop a game plan on how you both will get back together and create a brand new relationship to enter. That can't happen if you're constantly around, not developing yourself and growing and just being lackluster about your own life. Don't treat your life as lackluster just because they're not in it. Depression is not easy to navigate but you have to literally fight for your own sanity.

If you're committed to moving on, never look back. Never speaking again is a choice I'm making for myself but I recommend you do what works best for you; not out of malice but because you deserve to focus on you and to pour into yourself.

Again, nothing wrong if being friends later on is your aim but again, YMMV and only you know what works for you. For me, closing this door, never looking back or revisiting the memories is how I choose myself. Ruthlessly, relentlessly and without compromise.

The greatest love of all is the love you give to yourself.

As the title says, how long did it take for your avoidant to come back again? 1 month, several months, several years? And what was it like?

It’s been 39 days since my avoidant broke up with me.

Wowwwww.

Yesterday I was in the pit 2 weeks post dump and 2 days after seeing him and him acting like I was dirt… right.

Today I got the fuck up and went on a lovely run in the fresh air, it really is medicine I promise you.

I had so many epiphanies on my run. Why the fuck did I stay in that so long? Why am I letting him make me feel so shit and anxious now? It really really is his loss

He can say and think what ever the hell he likes about me. I’ve been kind throughout, respectful, have not contacted him once since replying to the dumping (which i accepted and wished him well) and have no acted out in any way since his cruel treatment of me 2 days ago where he told me he owes me nothing and then hugged and flirted with someone he has had sex with in front of me to get a reaction.

I just ran and thought what the actual fuck am I doing moping in bed trying to ubderstand him or when he will message me. So what? Why the hell would I want to allow someone who has shat all over my effort, never taken accountability and then been vile to me, ever ever back into my life. Literally good riddance.

It is so important to be the better person. So, so important . They WANT you to react, show you care, ask about them. It feeds them.

I’ve decided not to block him. I’ve deleted socials instead because I think regardless I need to just detox and get to the gym and do healthy habits. For now I think I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of me coming across bothered. I’m literally just going to pretend he is a ghost. He is muted, his number is deleted, photos are so far in a vault app.

So excited to get the fuck through this. Very aware I’ll wobble again and this is a good day but honestly , exercise is key , it really is. It calms your anxiety down so much you can actually think clearly.

I can now finally remember how anxious and miserable I’ve been for 4 months trying to hold the emotional weight of my relationship, trying to be good enough and walking on eggshells ; all whilst being made out to be putting ‘pressure’ on him for not understanding what he’s been through. It’s always one rule for them and one rule for you.

So many better people out there. Take their nice qualities, and never go for one that has their horrible ones again. See this a positive shift in your life because it is.

THEY LOST YOU!

You KNOW you were loving and kind and always there and when the evil dust settles they will remember that too and run along back to you again, Hansel and grettling you to make sure ur still there to eat the crumbs.

The sooner we all realise that the crumbs are poisonous the better.

The only possible ever ever ever circumstance you should ever ever CONSIDER taking them back is serous apology, serious accountability, serious effort to change their emotional issues and yourself being in a strong enough place to comfortably walk from that at the FIRST sign of the cycle starting again, not the second or third.

Just get up, get on, stay busy, and think of them as the heroin they are. Great , addictive, but they will KILL you an you need to stop teasing yourself with it. Go cold turkey.

It's been 45 days of NC since Feb 19th, when I last messaged my ex (he left me on read). Here are some things I've noticed during the 45 days:

Backstory:
- My ex is (most likely) a fearful avoidant with low emotional maturity and covert narcissistic defensive traits (not full-blown NPD)
- We were in LDR, so there's zero chance of bumping into him randomly in the city
- We don't follow each other on any social media, so we're in the dark about each other's lives

I still think of him daily, but not obsessively.
He's more like a dull ache in the background, but he's no longer popping into my mind every 30 seconds or so. I can focus on more things now without thinking about him all the time.

I realised I don't even want to reach out to him anymore.
I spent the past three years trying to tell him how I feel and how he hurt me. He always deflected it back, making my reaction the problem instead of what he actually did. There's nothing I wouldn't have already told him tens of times.

As long as he's not done the work, I don't want him to reach out to me either
If he were to crawl back now (after his current rebound fails), I wouldn't want to hear from him unless he could demonstrate that he's actually put in the work on himself and there has been some significant change. I haven't blocked him on WhatsApp (our main platform) because he's never harassed or excessively texted me at any point in our relationship.

Stalking on his WA online status has gotten rarer
Nowadays, I only check his status maybe every three days or so. There used to be a time where I would check his WA online status once an hour just to see if he was still living by his routines (he's very predictable) and whether I could see signs of his evening activities that there's problems with his rebound (they live several timezones away - if he was talking to her, he would always be online between 10 PM and 1 AM). At some point, I realised that the info about him being online just triggers me. He has a picture of two of them as his profile picture, so as long as that stays, I assume they are still together.

I've stopped blaming myself as the one who drove him away
My ex was a master gaslighter and manipulator, and made me believe that my being "difficult" and "overemotional" was the reason we couldn't be together. I've now started realising that I never created the attachment wounds that he has. I might have triggered them, but they were already there. The rebound is still in the honeymoon period and thinks she might have won the jackpot, but she'll eventually face the exact same issues with him as I did.

I've started accepting that who he was in the end was the real him, not the version in the beginning
Like most of the recently separated in this subreddit, I used to cry that he would come back and that we could be like we were in the beginning, when everything was still great. During the NC - and the fact that he hasn't reached out to me either - I've started to slowly accept that the version he was in the beginning was just a mask that he used to hook me, because I guess deep down he knew at some level that the real him would never be seen as attractive. The real him - when he's not performing - is an emotionally immature avoidant, an only child grown up in a home with a distant father and overbearing mother. The way he grew up made him the way he is - I didn't cause him to behave in a certain way. I finally saw him for what he is, asked him to heal the wounds I saw, but he chose to monkeybranch instead to someone who doesn't ask him to face himself.

I've realised that I need to heal my own wounds too, to avoid attracting avoidants in the future
During the NC, I've had to come to terms with the fact that I, too, need to heal from the childhood trauma that led me to get attracted to a person who treated me so badly. I have C-PTSD from emotional childhood abuse, anxious attachment and codependency. I got attracted to him (and men like him) earlier because I thought that I was not worthy of love simply by existing - that love has to be earned through performance. He wasn't my first avoidant, but he was definitely the most devastating one. I never want to go through this again.

I've accepted that it's best for me to stay single until I feel more healed and confident in myself
It's lonely being single, not going to deny it. But going on apps, while I'm in the process of healing, would only distract me from my goal and would create a high risk of ending up together with yet another avoidant because I refuse to face myself. Yes, I am angry with my ex because what he did has made me lose my basic trust in other people, but I hope it's only temporary. Taking even a few years off dating life to finally heal old emotional wounds that I have been avoiding for 35+ years (I'll be 43 this year) is a small time if it means I never have to go through this again. I'm on medication for depression and anxiety, go to therapy and attend 12-step groups (ACA, CoDA). I'm slowly learning to re-parent my inner child.

Hope this gives hope to someone. It's a cliche, but it does get better.

Having spent some time reading posts on here, I have to say I’m quite envious of those who are able to just cut contact and never see or hear from them again. I wish I could have that choice, it’s honestly a dream.

My DA ex isn’t even an ex. We became very emotionally close working in the same team over a couple of years. Everyone at work thought we were sleeping together because I guess they felt this kind of vibe between us but we were never inappropriate or crossed any physical boundaries or even met outside of work. He did message me daily and a lot for years, having increasingly deep conversations and being occasionally flirty but in a cautious way. Eventually I was leaving for another job and I confessed my feelings to him in a message and he ghosted me which was incredibly hurtful.

I felt really bad that I was abandoning him (I had left him in a toxic workplace we both hated) and stupidly messaged him weeks later saying I’d still be there for him if he needed me, not expecting anything. He replied right away and our friendship quickly picked up again. Turns out he was applying to where I had moved to. He literally ended up following me to my workplace and to my exact team where I work now.

However some time after I found out that he had actually started a relationship with someone that he had been casually seeing for years. He started this relationships before we stopped speaking. He kept this secret from me for many months, telling me he didn’t want any relationship. This totally shattered my heart.

If we were not stuck working closely together I would have gone NC and have gotten over him. Instead I have to see him all the time. He messages me a lot daily, and gets anxious if I stop replying or take too long or my replies are dry. He insists on seeing me for lunch at work daily. Any slightest shift in my mood or tone or behaviour he will pick up immediately and I feel like I can’t escape him. He won’t let me go and has said so. He is also still flirting with me. But also telling me I’m one of his best friends but also only just friends . We are very close and I help him a lot with advice that he asks for and he has helped me. It’s complicated and confusing and there is a lot of push and pull from him but I can’t create awkwardness at work if I were to suddenly just stop everything.

Basically I’m trapped, suffering because I have to hear about how amazing his new relationship is, how it’s the only person he’s ever really loved, and watch him do all these exciting things with them. Meanwhile he will barely meet outside of work as it seems to make him weirdly nervous.

I’m desperate for advice on how to protect my sanity. Leaving my job is not an option (too complicated to get into). Has anybody else been stuck in this situation where you can’t just go completely NC? Especially with an avoidant that won’t let you go? How did you deal with it?

Feeling a lot more down today and just wanted to hear others experiences.

I know that this sub Reddit can definitely be skewed towards a negative outcome as most of us who have reconnected wouldn’t be on this sub. Just wanted to hear others experiences and see if this has happened for anyone.

I know the right move is to fully give up and move on. But it’s been nearly 40 days of no contact and I miss her dearly. She still follows me and all my friends on instagram so I’m still hopeful.

Any response is appreciated! Thanks

My ex left me three weeks ago. Basically he is the textbook definition of a dismissive avoidant. I don't want to have to expound on what happened in this post, but pretty much how your typical relationship with a DA would go is what happened in our relationship.

One thing I've learned recently is the term intermittent reinforcement. This explains why it is so hard for me to get over him despite him treating me like shit. I've read that this is usually done by narcissists and emotionally abusive people as well.

Now one of my biggest hurdles with my ex was the fact that it was impossible to communicate with him. If I communicate through chat, he would ghost me for at least three days. If I communicate with him personally, I would literally have to ask him yes or no questions just for the conversation to actually progress, otherwise its just silence from him. Now, I understand that avoidants need space to process things, but during this space its just complete silence from him. No reassurance, no telling me that we'll resolve it when he's a better headspace. Just complete radio silence from him, leaving me to carry all the emotional weight on my own.

Recently I saw a post of one person venting their feelings of how their partner would just go silent whenever she'd like to communicate. Basically the same situation as I'm in. A lot of the comments have been saying that this is emotional abuse. So did I basically experience emotional abuse as well?

Share your most disturbing and pathetic stories about how they triangulated you with others

I’ll go first:

My ex worked with a girl he was obviously simping/mirroring who was hired at his job conveniently around the time he started devaluing me.

This new supply was the type who loves attention from anyone and I kid you not, she takes photos of her shits inside of the toilet and shows it to all the guys at work as some sort of power play and to make sure they saw her as “one of the guys”.

When he told me that, instead of getting angry and jealous, I just said “wow that’s really attention seeking” and he was furious.

Triangulation has to be one of the worst tactics they pull out because it just speeds up the never ending treadmill you’re on to chase their love and affection.

I truly wish I never met him.

We started off as friends- online friends which i didn't think too much about. He confessed his feelings to me after 5 months of friendship which I didn't much for. And after flirting for two months, he asked me out to which I said yes.

I was with this man for seven months. He was avoidant to began with. What all he did to me? To began with- His confession of his feelings to me was total sham. He wanted to learn that art of manipulation and was using me for it.

He, for 7 months made me believe, that I was the women he wanted from starting. That he always wanted me. That he is very serious about me. But, that wasn't true. He had a crush. He wanted to make her jealous so he asked me out. His two friends who knew about it and are female, didn't encourage him to come clean or anything- just enabled him.

After our third date, on which I gave him a will you be mine letter, to which he responded yes- He goes back and messages his crush if she wants him. I got cheated on first day of relationship.

I trusted him and believed him that he wanted me badly and I ended up getting physical with him on that basis- misrepresentation of facts. It's something I truly regret.

oh, it gets worse.

When confronted, he initially promised to built back trust and said ily for first time. He took it back the next day and broke up with me. Three days before my dad's death anniversary and a week before my exam. I was barely functioning at that time.

He returned my belongings and wrote a very abusive message to me at 3 in night blaming me for everything. Blaming me for checking his phone and shouting on him too much. I developed severe insomnia after that and began drinking. Running away from life by taking trips after trips.

On Friday, he wrote me a very cruel letter saying he's got a new girlfriend and that he wishes to archives me. I got an apology from him three months later, but only because he wanted to clear his conscience- to never contact him again.

I am broken for last few days - unable to function and having panic attacks. I would appreciate some advice on how to heal. I am a college student and in third year, yet struggling a lot.

TLDR- Cheated on first day of relationship, manipulation, took my virginity 15 days after he asked his crush if she wanted him (that happened when I asked him if he wanted to be mine, to which he said yes), hide critical things, blamed me for his faults, manipulated me for seven months, used me.

Yesterday it happened, it all came back to me again. I was busy at work, and was listening to one song that I remember from past year when we were still talking and it was great, and just like that when I'm doing well and I met someone else (in talking stages), I still think of her, can't erase the image in front of me, yesterday particularly I felt tears building up but I stopped the feeling.

She was definitely FA we were in LDR, she broke up because we were too close emotionally, after I asked if I could be hers, she said yes. If only I knew I'd wait and hold it, but I loved her from the first day and wanted to be with her, we didn't even have a chance to meet in person.

I still miss her as a person, not the idea she made me feel like no one else in 36 years of my life, she was attractive to me and also as a person, but avoidance killed us, with that said I'm not a victim here I wish I handled us differently, and acknowledged certain things but at that time it was hard for me, it was bas timing and situation, but I was loyal to her and stayed true until the end of our contact and after.

Hi everyone, so I wanted to see if I was not alone in this discard situation. I (30M) and her (25f) - Everything was great and growing into a real relationship for 3 months. Suddenly after a few great weeks of growing into dating/dating and the “I like you a lots” and future talks, and a great weekend together in a matter of 2 days later without warning I was ambushed and emotionally whiplashed.

Basically she weaponized a lot of vulnerable things I trusted her with and used them against me for reasons not to be with me. They were things you’d be able to sit down and talk about others were just gaslighting, random, and honestly excuses. For example “we argue all the time” yet we never did…Couple topics were even things I said in deep convos about 1.5/2 months ago that weren’t even things significant enough to end a relationship nor were brought up again throughout it.

At the end, there wasn’t any real sympathy or empathy just someone trying to cut and run and putting it all on me. I didn’t even have time to think or discuss, and when I did get a chance to explain things in reassurance, it was like i ruined her plan… 3 days later ended ended because it was a “feeling” and nothing was ever explained or closure.

Is this normal or?

I’m looking for perspective on a 3-month connection that just hit a sudden "Total Loss" discard. I’m a secure/leaning-anxious male, and I believe I was dating a fearful-avoidant (FA) or dismissive-avoidant (DA) female who is deeply enmeshed in a "shadow marriage" with her child’s father.

For 90 days, we were at a 10/10 level of intimacy. 5-hour dates, constant high-level text affection, and domestic integration (I was caring for her pets and handling her home while she was away). Somatically, we were all-in: we slept deeply together, and she would involuntarily squeeze my hand when I’d kiss her forehead as she drifted off. She told me she "liked everything about me" and "loved our pace."

The very night before the breakup, we had what felt like a peak connection. We spent the evening together, she was affectionate, and we fell asleep in each other's arms. I was stroking her hair as she drifted off, and she was reciprocating the intimacy throughout the night. There was zero indication of a "platonic" shift; her body was signaling 100% romantic attachment.

The child's father is in her life daily. He comes over on weeknights to tuck the child in and frequently sleeps over (supposedly in the child's room). Furthermore, she maintains a dedicated, permanent bedroom at his house and they still vacation together as a family (2 of them and the kid). She has been "family" with this man and his parents for 10 years, despite him never wanting a primary romantic relationship with her.

Two weeks ago, I asked for a healthy boundary regarding the sleepovers. She initially seemed receptive via text (her safe space), claiming she was an "open book" and didn't want me to feel "second in line." However, after that final peak Sunday night, she performed a complete "Corporate Discard" on Monday morning.

She sent a clinical text claiming the connection was "more platonic for her" and that we "weren't a perfect match." When I tried to talk face-to-face, she was cold and unempathetic, even though I kissed her that morning and we both agreed we'd see each other later. When I brought up the situation with the ex, about the sleepovers, she snapped and said, "That's been my family for 10 years, why would that change?" Mind you this is a guy she only dated briefly 10 years ago and it never worked out and they are just friends and co-parent really well together (her words)

Two days after the discard, I joined a dating app to try to regulate my own physiological crash (I've lost 20lbs in 30 days and can't sleep). She found out and reported the exact 48-hour timeline to a mutual friend, saying she "doubted I was upset" because I moved so fast. She’s now acting cold and using clinical phrases to de-personalize our history.

My Question for the Group: Is this a standard "Deactivation" response to a boundary? Is the "Platonic" label a common way to retroactively delete a romantic bond when the "Commitment Tax" (dealing with the enmeshment) becomes too high? I’m struggling to reconcile the Sunday night hair-stroking with the Monday morning deadbolt.

I've been really troubled by this. I thought we had a really strong bond. She was heavy texting all day every day including good mornings and goodnights kissy face emojis, making future plans all the way to very end. The shift happened in a 3 hour span on monday morning.

I’m sorry; this will probably sound harsh to people who are avoidant. But I’m spiraling today. I’m jealous, I wish I could deactivate. I wish there was a switch I could turn off; I wish I could just go on dates and move on.

I loved that man with everything. I did not question his love for a single second. I loved him. I do not deserve this for loving someone with all my heart. This is not fair. I never played with anyone’s heart, even though there were other guys around. I worked hard to be where I am today. I thought I found my person for life. I wish I could just turn it off, 'intellectualize' it, and move on. He is probably happy and moved on.

I feel so sick. I miss him so much. I can’t tell anyone; this is the only place I feel I can bare my heart. I’m so sorry. Please, tell me how do I turn it off?

I am missing him hard these days and I just can’t get my head around to the fact that o deeply miss him and care about and I can’t believe that from his side there is nothing. How is that possible? Then again I feel like if he felt anything even just 1%of what I feel for him he’ll reach he would do something. But he choses everyday to stay away from me like i am the plague like i did something horrible to him even though he broke my heart and it’s all the around. I wish i never meet him and never had given him the chance to broke me like he did.