90-Day Romantic Peak to "Platonic" Discard
I’m looking for perspective on a 3-month connection that just hit a sudden "Total Loss" discard. I’m a secure/leaning-anxious male, and I believe I was dating a fearful-avoidant (FA) or dismissive-avoidant (DA) female who is deeply enmeshed in a "shadow marriage" with her child’s father.
For 90 days, we were at a 10/10 level of intimacy. 5-hour dates, constant high-level text affection, and domestic integration (I was caring for her pets and handling her home while she was away). Somatically, we were all-in: we slept deeply together, and she would involuntarily squeeze my hand when I’d kiss her forehead as she drifted off. She told me she "liked everything about me" and "loved our pace."
The very night before the breakup, we had what felt like a peak connection. We spent the evening together, she was affectionate, and we fell asleep in each other's arms. I was stroking her hair as she drifted off, and she was reciprocating the intimacy throughout the night. There was zero indication of a "platonic" shift; her body was signaling 100% romantic attachment.
The child's father is in her life daily. He comes over on weeknights to tuck the child in and frequently sleeps over (supposedly in the child's room). Furthermore, she maintains a dedicated, permanent bedroom at his house and they still vacation together as a family (2 of them and the kid). She has been "family" with this man and his parents for 10 years, despite him never wanting a primary romantic relationship with her.
Two weeks ago, I asked for a healthy boundary regarding the sleepovers. She initially seemed receptive via text (her safe space), claiming she was an "open book" and didn't want me to feel "second in line." However, after that final peak Sunday night, she performed a complete "Corporate Discard" on Monday morning.
She sent a clinical text claiming the connection was "more platonic for her" and that we "weren't a perfect match." When I tried to talk face-to-face, she was cold and unempathetic, even though I kissed her that morning and we both agreed we'd see each other later. When I brought up the situation with the ex, about the sleepovers, she snapped and said, "That's been my family for 10 years, why would that change?" Mind you this is a guy she only dated briefly 10 years ago and it never worked out and they are just friends and co-parent really well together (her words)
Two days after the discard, I joined a dating app to try to regulate my own physiological crash (I've lost 20lbs in 30 days and can't sleep). She found out and reported the exact 48-hour timeline to a mutual friend, saying she "doubted I was upset" because I moved so fast. She’s now acting cold and using clinical phrases to de-personalize our history.
My Question for the Group: Is this a standard "Deactivation" response to a boundary? Is the "Platonic" label a common way to retroactively delete a romantic bond when the "Commitment Tax" (dealing with the enmeshment) becomes too high? I’m struggling to reconcile the Sunday night hair-stroking with the Monday morning deadbolt.
I've been really troubled by this. I thought we had a really strong bond. She was heavy texting all day every day including good mornings and goodnights kissy face emojis, making future plans all the way to very end. The shift happened in a 3 hour span on monday morning.